"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Stephen Wright
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." --Dave Barry
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." - Fry and Laurie
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting; fleeing; feeding; and mating." -- Some Psychology professor somewhere...
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown
SAMUEL CLEMENS AKA MARK TWAIN
"I never let my schooling interfere with my education."
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
WOODY ALLEN
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
"Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love"
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
YOGI BERRA
"Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future"
"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
"You can see a lot by observing."
"I made a wrong mistake."
"Cut my pizza into 4 pieces, I don't think I could eat 8."
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
GROUCHO MARX
"Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
"I remember the first time I had sex, I kept the reciept."
ALBERT EINSTEIN
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
"Imagination is more important that knowledge."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits."
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
"Go see it, and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it."
"This book has too much plot and not enough story."
"Don't pay any attention to the critics - don't even ignore them."
"I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead."
"If you don't disagree with me, how will I know I'm right?"
"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
ANONYMOUS
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone."
"Man who run in front of car get tired."
"Man who run behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day."
"Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannnot walk."
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth."
"War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night."
"It takes many nails to build crib, but just one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there."
"Man who stand on toilet high on pot."
"Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget."
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
"Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you." -ANONYMOUS
MISCELLANEOUS
"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." -GEORGE BUSH
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." -SENATOR JOHN GLENN
"It is better to be looked over that to be overlooked." -MAE WEST
"Knowing is half the battle." -G.I. JOE
"We are what we pretend to be, but we better be careful what we pretend." -KURT VONNEGUT
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -OZZY OSBOURNE
"Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes." -ROBERT MAYNARD HUTCHINS
"There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way." -CHRISTOPHER MORLEY
"There is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about." -OSCAR WILDE
"Politeness is the art of choosing among one's real thoughts." -ABEL STEVENS
"A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience." -OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES SR.
"Use soft words and hard arguments." -UNKNOWN
"Whatever you do is insignificant, but it is very important that you do it." -GANDHI
"True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing, and in knowing that you know nothing, that makes you smartest of all." -SOCRATES
"The first of April, some do say,
Is set apart for All Fools' Day.
But why the people call it so,
Nor I, nor they themselves do know.
But on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment.
-Poor Robin's Almanac (1790) "
"Men are nearly always willing to believe what they wish." -JULIUS CAESAR
"Income tax has made more liars out the American people than golf." -WILL ROGERS
"I would like to be Jupiter, and lie down in the firmament and make love to everybody." -ROBERTO BENIGNI
"If I had a flower for everytime I thought of you, I could walk through my garden forever." -IRISH SAYING
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." -NEW TESTAMENT, HOLY BIBLE, KJV, JAMES 1:5
"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil." -NEW TESTAMENT, HOLY BIBLE, NIV, 1 TIMOTHY 6:20
"Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young." -SIR ARTHUR WING PINERO (1855-1934)
"Scratching is one of nature's sweetest gratifications, and the nearest at hand." -MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE (1533-1592)
"Don't be Humble. You're not that great." -GOLDA MEIR (1898-1978)
"I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I had no idea about." -Elliot Abrams (B: 1948)
"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
