Funny Quotes
Forgive your enemies but remember thier names - JFK.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
It is better to be hated than to be ignored. - Nirav M. Desai
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P.Jones
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
These are my principles. If you don't like them, then I have others.
I like pigs. Dog look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.--Winston Churchill
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite. -- Woody Allen
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing. Confuse the real with the ideal, and
your mistake will never go unpunished.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for and institution. - Mae West
A man is oncomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Bachelor's should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.
- Oscar Wilde
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it. - I forgot
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Don't think of me as your boss...Think of me as your best friend who's ALWAYS right.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I am If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman. without prejudice...I hate all men equally.
Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the final masterpiece.
A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one thats both is dental.
Chinese food is like sex. After half an hour you're hungry again.
A PROFESSOR IS SOMEONE WHO TALKS IN SOMEONE ELSE'S SLEEP
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
* Conserve water
- Shower with a friend
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."--Christopher Case
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
