~*MY STORY*
It Could’ve Been Worse
She said we’d be friends forever. Lisa and I declared ourselves best friends right form the start. Right away, we just clicked. We had a lot in common, and we knew we’d always be there for each other, which was always a great thing to have.
It all started when I met this gut Jason. I started to go out with him and continued to see him for 7 months. He was my first true love. I know I was only 13 at the time, but he made me feel so special, like I was important. I never felt that way about anyone before.
Lisa knew I loved him more than anything. She was the only person I really opened to. I could tell her anything, and I certainly told her a lot. I knew she never meant me any harm. She always said, “Melissa, you know I care, but I don’t understand why you waste your time with him, all he does is use girls then breaks there hearts.” I didn’t listen though. I thought he was everything. Nobody could take him or that feeling away from me.
When Jason and I broke up, I was heartbroken; I cried constantly. I’d be on the phone with Lisa and she’d be trying to calm me down. She told me I was so much better than he was, and that any guy would be lucky to have such a caring and loving person like me. She came over to my house a couple times, and just let me cry on her shoulder. I knew I had found a truly good friend.
One night, all of my friends were going to the mall. Unforginatly, I had to go on a trip with my family. The next day when I got home, I called Lisa; I couldn’t wait to hear what had happened the night before. “How’d it go?…Who was there?…Was Jason there?”
“It was okay I guess.”
“Well was Jason there? C’mon, this was the first Friday night I wasn’t at the mall, I have to know.”
“Yea I know, everybody was asking where you were.”
After that, it was silent for a minute. I noticed she was very quiet. I kept trying to get her to tell me what had happened, and finally, she did.
“Was Jason there?” I asked again.
“Uh, yea, yea he was there.”
“Is there something I don’t know about?”
“Listen, last night, me and Jason just started talking, and he kind of…. kissed me.”
I didn’t have a clue as to what to say at that point. So I just said the first thing that came to mind. “Well did you kiss him back?”
Then she became quiet again, I knew the truth. But I thought, “hey it was only a kiss, right? She’s still a true friend.”
The next morning when I talked to her. Right away, she said, “Melissa I have to talk to you.”
“Something wrong?” I asked.
“This morning, I talked to Jason, and…he asked me out.”
“Well what did you say?”
“I couldn’t say no, after what happened on Friday night, I’d feel terrible.”
I guess at that point she didn’t care what she had done to me. I made the mistake when I didn’t tell her I was upset about it, I didn’t think I had to, she knew, I know she did. I kept trying to convince myself that their relationship wouldn’t last long. I was waiting for her to realize that what she had done to me wrong. I knew that Jason had liked her the year before, which deep down, kind of got me a little scared. I was always thinking, “What if she takes him away from me? No she would never do that to me.” I had that attitude throughout our whole relationship.
But now, over a year later, they are still together. I can’t even describe the pain I went through with just the thought of them being together. I always have this mental picture of them holding hands, laughing together…just being together; it makes me feel like crying. I remember when he had his arms wrapped around me, how safe I felt. We could be walking through the woods late at night, not a single light within a hundred feet of us, and I’d still feel completely safe, because I knew he’d protect me. But now he’s protecting her form danger, not me, and that’s exactly what kills me. When his beautiful blue eyes looked at me, and he said he loved me more than anything, all I thought about was how much I loved him too.
I remained friends with Lisa throughout everything. Instead of me constantly talking about Lisa, it was her. I felt that I had to listen to her. She was always there for me, and I thought it would be unfair of me, as a best friend, not to be there for her. She’d be telling me that she’s never been so happy before in her life and I’d want to say, “I’ve never felt so depressed in my life.” I don’t know why I remained friends with her, after all the pain she put me through, but nothing was worse than losing her, too.
It got to the point one night that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was talking to her, and she had just told me that they had slept together, and how special it was. When she told me that, I felt everything in my body go dead. The worst thing is that she told me as if it was supposed to make me happy or something. From that night on, I started hurting myself. I cut my wrist, and one time overdosed on pills. When I cut my wrist, I had no intent to kill myself, I just needed physical pain, to overcome my emotional pain, and it seemed to work. The one time I overdosed, I was serious. Right after I did it though, I regretted it. I had gotten into the habit of cutting my wrist more frequently. When a couple of my friends found out, they became worried. They knew it was all because of Jason. Even though they didn’t see why I was so attracted to him, they still tried to help. I became close to a couple of people I met along the school year. They aren’t as close to me as Lisa was, but they still helped me through my struggle of depression.
Jason was always very controlling, often times, if I didn’t do what he said, he’d threaten to break up with me. The first couple months him and Lisa were going out, I loved him still the same. But after awhile I lost total respect for him. He treats her even worse than he treated me. He has threatened to break up with her numerous of times, and a part of me feels sorry for her. She couldn’t understand why I loved him so much, and for some really odd reason, I don’t understand why she loves him now.
Even though Lisa and Jason are still together, I have finally learned to let go and overcome my jealousy. I will indeed always love him, but I realized that it was just time to move on; he was no longer mine. It still does hurt a little when I see them together, but not nearly as much as it did before. Thankfully when I overdosed on those pills, it only caused me to throw up a little, but now I realize, it could’ve been worse. Every time I think about how I could have killed myself, I get these terrible flashbacks; it was the worst thing I ever did in my life. I used to think he was the only person I could ever live for, yes I did love him, but no guy is ever worth hurting yourself over. I wish I had thought that at the time.
