Author:Linda Gentile
Email: AndieWtter@aol.com
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters they belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and th rest of Satan's minions. Don't sue No tengo dinero!
Rating:If you watch the show you can read this
Spoilers:"Something Blue"
Note: Ok well this story basically takes place after the worst line ever spoken from Willow's mouth! I wanted to slap her when she said it. I couldn't do that so I wrote a little fic instead.
Note2: This is NOT a happy fic.
Note3:I might write a sequel I dunno. What do you think?
Summary: A little story about what could be happing in Xander's life and is written in his POV during the Ep "Something Blue."
I really hate seeing her like this; Willow is my closest friend and the fact that I can't make her feel better is killing me. I can't believe she is drunk I had hoped I would never see her like this.
"We all have pain Will."
"Oh like what 'oh poor me I live in a basement' yeah that's dire."
I can't believe I just heard those words and from Willow's mouth. The safety pin clutched in my hand is about to go right through my palm. I have to get out of here; I turn and walk out when I really feel like running out crying. As I step out of the Bronze I look at my palm; blood is trickling out. I do nothing I am used to this sight by now; and I continue my walk home.
I am now in my basement watching the blood flow from my hand. I decide to clean it off; this mark is more visible than the others. I clean it off and I am regular Joe again it is as if nothing ever happened. Safety pins have become my best friends lately. They help me with my pain unlike my other 'friends' who haven't even noticed how much I've been suffering. Plus the razor cuts were getting to hard to hide.
I still can't believe that of all people Willow can't see what I am going through. I mean she is the person I have been closest to my whole life. Her trivializing my pain to 'living in a basement' cut me like a razor. Ok I lied that cut like a razor. I can hardly control it anymore it is becoming a reflex for me; before I knew it I was rolling up my sleeve razor in hand and cutting my upper arm. I know how deep to cut so that it wont leave a scar; that's how good I have gotten at this.
I mean I have been doing this for quite a while; the first time I left a scar was after Buffy ran away. It was my fault that she and everyone else was suffering afterall. The biggest scar I have is on my right forearm; I made it the night of the wharehouse incident. I didn't care how deep I made the cut. Honestly I didn't care if I died. There was alot of blood that much I remember before passing out along the side of the road. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital. Why you ask? Because one of my friends found me? That would have been nice,but no it was some kid from school, Jonathan. I told them I was mugged and gave them Spike's description; hey it wasn't a total lie. I wore long sleeves for a while and no one was any more the wiser; they still aren't.
I watch the blood flowing out waiting for the physical pain to overcome the emotional; but it doesn't. Is it that I am becoming imune to these cuts? Or is it that the emotional pain is becoming to intense. A scary thought crosses my mind; and I wonder if it is only a matter of time before I accidently on purpose make the cut too deep. I am taken out of my thoughts when my mom inforrms that Willow has come to see me. I tell her to wait a minute while I quickly bandage my arm.
I can't believe I actually thoguht Willow was going to apologize. I can't believe Willow and I have become so estranged. I barely know who she is anymore and she definately doesn't know me. She has no idea how alone I feel; how worhtless I feel. She doesn't know I keep a supply of razor blades and pins in my drawer. She doesn't know that the only comfort I have recieved in months is through drawing my own blood. She has no idea how bad things have gotten with my parents. I never thought I would be saying that Willow Rosenburg wouldn't even notice if I died. I fear that if things don't start getting better soon; I will put my theory to test.
*The End*
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