AUTHOR: Emily
E-MAIL: DoylesPrincess@aol.com
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to the King Of Crack himself, Joss Whedon. He doesn't deserve them! Then again, I have been kinda mean to them lately myself… what has Joss done to me?!?! "Adam's Song" belongs to Blink182.
RATING: Nothing worse than the show - **WARNING** Character death
FEEDBACK: It gives me happies.
DISTRIBUTION: My site, Doyle's House Of Pies. Anyone else, ask.
NOTES: I wrote this story before, in the form of a letter. I decided I didn't like that, so I changed it.
DEDICATION: To my sister Diana, because she let me read the lyrics to her Blink182 cd, without which I could never have written this story.
*I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest
Who'd have known?*
Alexander LaVelle Harris. With a name like that, I should have known I'd be cursed.
I'm one of those kids that have no fond childhood memories. My childhood consisted of drunken fights and an alternate reality in which I had the perfect family. Back in the days of pretend and make-believe, I could do that.
I can't remember a time when my parents weren't fighting. Back to my earliest memories I could remember the screaming, and the sound of my mom hitting the floor. I would close my eyes so tightly, trying not to let the tears fall. And I would be in another world. The superhero killing the bad guys, saving the innocent. The little boy with the puppy and the white picket fence, the dad who played baseball with him and the mom who made brownies as a surprise. But if only I had been able to save my mom…
One day I tried that. I was five at the time, and I could hear my parents screaming. I decided I was a big boy now - I could handle him. After the years of playing superhero in my other world, my father would be nothing.
I remember climbing out of bed, peering out of a crack in the door. I reached the top of the stairs, and peered over the railing. My dad struck my mom across the face, and I was filled with so much anger and fear, I didn't know how I would handle it. It's amazing the things a five year old can feel.
My anger eventually overcame my fear of my father, and I screamed. My father looked up at me, his eyes flashing with rage. But then there was that fear again - and I went running as fast as possible back into my room. But my father followed me, and I was introduced to his belt.
The next morning was the first day of kindergarten. My mom got me all dressed up - I was a kindergartner. I could make some new friends. She told me not to tell anyone what happened, because daddy would be taken away and then we wouldn't have enough money to keep our house. I smiled at her, told her I loved her, and left.
I met Willow that day. She was playing in the sandbox, and a stuck-up brunette stomped over to her. I later found out her name was Cordelia. She was making a sandcastle, not bothering anyone. I stood there, and watched as Cordelia loomed over her.
"What are you doing?" Cordelia asked.
"Making a sandcastle. Do you want to help?" Willow smiled up at her, her eyes sparkling. She thought she had made a friend. Cordelia smirked.
"Please. It's a stupid castle. I can make much better ones than that." And before I knew it, she had stepped on the sandcastle. Willow stood up, tears filling her eyes.
"That wasn't nice!" Cordelia only smiled, flipping her hair over her shoulder and walking away. I wanted to go after her, and yell at her, but I could only focus on the little red-haired girl. I walked over and kneeled down next to her.
"Are you all right?" She sniffled, wiping tears from her eyes.
"I was just trying to be friends with her." I smiled at her.
"Well, I'll be your friend." Her eyes lit up again, almost forgetting about the sandcastle.
"Really?"
"Hmmm-hmmm. I'm Xander."
"I'm Willow."
And that began our life-long friendship. She would sleepover, and I told her about my other world. I even let her be part of it. When she was there, and they were fighting, we'd go to that magical place and forget about all of our problems.
I was about fourteen when I gave up on that world. I gave up trying to be the hero, because I knew the bad guy would always win. So when my father would get drunk, I'd just lock myself in my room, and call Willow. She'd keep me from crying and trying to save they day. We were always there for each other, and I always put her first. Until Buffy came.
When Buffy came, I knew she was different. She was who I had tried to be for so long. She could fight and kill the bad guys, something I never had the strength for. Maybe that's why I liked her so much…
But her arrival put a major strain in mine and Willow's relationship. Willow finally had a girl best friend, and I began to ignore Willow and pay attention to Buffy.
Buffy never cared about me the way she did Angel, or they way I did her. I tried that relationship, but I knew it would never work. I had hoped it might, that maybe just for once I wouldn't get rejected. Turned out that once again, Xander Harris couldn't win.
So then, instead of going to Willow, I went to Cordelia. Our enemy since kindergarten, I somehow fell for her. That killed Willow when she found out, and I never thought I could ever hurt anyone as badly as I hurt her. Turned out I was wrong.
Cuz then I noticed Willow. After years of being given that chance, it took that long to sink in. We knew what we were doing was wrong - I had Cordy and she had Oz. But we couldn't keep our hormones straight, and that ended up almost costing Cordy her life.
We graduated high school, and I was the only one not accepted to any colleges. Eh, I never liked school anyway. But Willow and Buffy were leaving me behind - onto bigger and better things. I'd never amount to anything. That's what my father had always told me. I guess I proved him right. Hope I've made you proud, dad.
I was always the jokester. Said things at inappropriate times, but made people laugh. I used it to hide my pain. After Buffy came, I stopped talking to Willow about my parents. I told her things were getting better - not sure if she really believed that, though…
Buffy never knew. She never had any reason to. She had so many other things going on, she didn't really have time to hear my stories of pain and suffering. And Cordy betrayed the trust I had given in her. I suppose I deserved that.
And you wonder why I now feel so alone. My whole life I had Willow by my side, but I lost her. Buffy left me, and so did Cordy. And Anya? Well, she just didn't want to hear about any of it.
They'll probably wonder why I did it. I never opened up to them, so they had no idea that I had actual thoughts and feelings besides the jokes and sarcastic remarks. Anya will come down those stairs, find the blood on the sheets, and scream for my parents. My father will be too drunk to make sense of it all, and my mother will be too beaten to call the hospital.
When Anya will try to reach Buffy and Willow, they'll be in class. Or Buffy will be out with Riley. They won't find out until tomorrow.
I make the cuts, trying to hide my pain. I'm a pro at it - shouldn't be too hard. I don't scream, because I know this is the only way. I'd never amount to anything more than who I am right now -
So I lie on my bed, and I see the room spinning around me. The life draining from my body by each second that goes by. I close my eyes, fighting back my tears. I have no regrets in my actions. And I'm there again. I'm in my world - where I have a perfect life. Willow walks over to me, our child in her hands, our dog running up to us welcoming me home after a long day of work. Willow was who I had always pictured in my dreams, but I was too late to notice that. And as I lay there, dying alone, I never thought it would come to this. I figured I'd prove my father wrong eventually, but now I'd never have that chance.
I would not longer be able to inflict any more pain on those I cared about, and my suffering had ended. I didn't know what would happen next, but anything was better than this.
*The choice was mine
I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone*
THE END
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