Author: Emily
E-MAIL: DoylesPrincess@aol.com
DISCLAIMER: All characters in this story belong to Joss Whedon. The song "I'll Remember You" belongs to Sophie Zelmani.
RATING: PG
NOTES: I got the idea for this story from my friend Linda (who gives me bundles and oodles of ideas) Thanks bunches, Linda! Also, this takes place a few weeks after "Passion" and is also based on the theory that Jenny Calendar is really alive.
*It's daybreak, and you are asleep
I can hear you breathe now
Your breath is deep*
I had been supposedly dead for about a month now. But I hadn't completely died. No one knew - only the doctors who had saved me, the police who had helped me hide from Angel. I was supposed to leave - but I had to say good-bye.
He had given me a key months before - before Angel had turned. Told me if I ever wanted to drop in or anything -
I didn't want to go at night, in fear of Angel. I went more towards sunrise. I walked up to the door and tested the doorknob first - to my surprise, it was unlocked. I didn't think he'd be the type of person to leave his door open - unless he wanted people to come in. Like Angel. Then I realized - it was because of me. He wanted to die because of me. I quickly pushed that thought out of my mind - he had just forgotten to lock it. Of course he did.
I placed a rose and the disk on the table and walked up the stairs to his bedroom, the sun streaming in through the blinds. I looked at the clock - 5:34. He'd be getting up soon, I guessed. I never really got the chance to know…
He rolled over, moaning in his sleep. Judging by the look on his face, he hadn't been sleeping well, or not at all. I couldn't help but feel responsible for that. And there was this part of me that wanted to wake him up, tell him that I was okay. But I couldn't. I sat down on the edge of his bed, watching him sleep. I only wish he was sleeping peacefully…
*But before I go
I'll look at you one last time
I can hear a heart beat
Is it yours, or is it mine?*
I knew that this was my time to say good-bye. I had been given the chance and I had to do it. I ran my hand through his hair, his expression softened at that. Maybe somehow he knew I was there - I sighed, not really knowing where to start. When I finally went to speak, my voice cracked, and I let out a sob. Thankfully I didn't wake him.
"I'm - I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. And yet that's all I seem to keep doing. I never meant to. If I could do everything all over again, tell you the truth from the beginning - I would. I would do anything to take back the ways I've hurt you - " And everything that seemed to be coming out of my mouth were apologies. At this rate I would apologize forever.
I didn't know how I was supposed to leave. At this point it might be next to impossible. I kept wondering if I'd ever see him again. I would like to believe that this wasn't it - that this wasn't our final good-bye. There was so much between us that we hadn't resolved - I looked away from him, my tears blurring my vision. I had to wait for my eyes to refocus themselves before I would look back at him.
*I look at your lips
I know how soft they can be
Did they know what they wanted
The times they kissed me?*
I had done so many things to hurt him - and yet he had managed to forgive me. It seemed that our whole relationship had been based on us and our lies to each other, and how we had eventually managed to forgive each other.
I reached over and traced my fingers over his face, trying to preserve the way he looked, who he was. He sort of smiled at that, I couldn't help but smile back. Somehow, I had a feeling that it was the first time he had smiled in weeks.
"Jenny?" He said it so softly I wasn't sure if he had said anything at all. I looked at him carefully, he was still asleep. I couldn't tell if he was dreaming or if he really knew… I could see a tear escape from his eye that was tightly closed, I quickly wiped it away. I didn't want to see him like that…
*And your hands, that I've held in mine
Now they're reposing on the pillow
Will they ever miss me sometime?*
He reached up when I touched his cheek, grabbing my hand. I almost pulled away, but decided against it. Instead I held it tightly, not ever wanting to let go. I sometimes wondered how he really felt about me. I know I had fallen in love with him. I wasn't sure if I'd ever stop. But did he love me as much as I loved him? Or at all?
He never said it. Hence the doubt in my mind. If he loved me, I was feeling beyond guilty for what I was putting him through. I know how I felt right now, and he wasn't the one who had supposedly died. I guess I was afraid to know. If he didn't love me, then I was really truly alone in this world. Maybe if he had said it - maybe I would have asked him to stay with me that night. To not leave me alone at that school. We both should have known better - I was just trying to right all my wrongs, he was just trying to help Buffy. But we should have known…
*I'll remember you, you will be there in my heart
I'll remember you, but that's all that I can do
But I'll remember*
I know I should have left already. I had been there too long - but there were so many unanswered questions, so many things I still needed to say to him.
"Oh God - " I exhaled heavily. "Rupert - I want you to know so many things. Things I don't know how to say, things I don't have time to say. So I'll just start babbling and pray you don't wake up. I've apologized enough, so no more of that. I just want you to know that I loved you more than I have anyone else. I would have done anything for you and still would, if only you knew I were alive. And I'll come back someday, if I can. If Angel's no threat to me, if I can feel safe here again. I don't mean to cause you any pain in my leaving, but I know you'd understand." I glanced back towards the clock - 5:51. It was getting late.
*Your eyes, that always make me shiver
Now they are closed
They just sometimes twitch a little*
His eyes moved, it startled me. I would have given anything to see his eyes looking at me again, like I was the only other person in the world. But he would always get distracted, some big crisis would occur and he'd have to leave. Right now, I wouldn't care.
To be anywhere with him right now, even one of his boring book conventions. I would be happy. I wouldn't feel like I couldn't breathe, that my heart was being torn out of my chest. It's funny how the only times I felt that way were around him. They were mostly unhappy feelings, for obvious reasons. Feeling let down by him or feeling I had let him down. Why did I let him do this to me? Because I loved him more than anything or anyone in this world. That's why.
I heard his clock click again - 5:56. I leaned over and kissed his forehead, my tears spilling onto his face, then I kissed him lightly on the lips. I ran my hand through his hair once more, and looked at him. I tried to capture his image in my mind, so I wouldn't forget - but I knew I wouldn't.
I began to walk down the stairs, looking around his place once more. I glanced into his kitchen, the tea pot was already sitting out on the counter, just waiting to be used. But I hadn't said it. I didn't say good-bye. I fought with myself for a minute, then crept slowly back up the stairs. He was still sleeping. After struggling to find my voice, I finally managed to get it out.
"Good-bye…" I looked at him once more, then went quickly down the stairs before I changed my mind again.
*And your body, I could hold for an hour
It sent me to heaven
With it's heat and power*
I reached the bottom step and headed towards the front door. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out his key. I opened the front door and put the key into the lock, then grabbed the disk and the rose off the shelf.
"Don't die on me, Rupert. I'll be back someday - " With that I closed the door and locked it, checking the handle to be sure.
I was stepping off his doorstep and heard his alarm go off. I turned back around, wanting to go back. The alarm was turned off and I could see his shadow in the window - I smiled and walked away from it. I went to his car, the window rolled down. He would never learn, would he? I reached in, put the disk on the dashboard, the rose over it. Hopefully he would get it. I looked down the street a little, and, as promised, a cab was waiting to take me to the airport.
I wasn't going to break my promise. I would come back someday - whether that was in a year or ten, I wouldn't know - but I would never forget.
**********
A few minutes later, Rupert Giles walked down his steps to the front door, and attempted to open the now locked door.
"That's funny…" He muttered to himself as he undid the locks and left. He walked out to his car and got in the driver's side, and saw the rose on the dashboard.
"Angel…" He grew angry and dropped it outside the door, then saw the disk. He picked it up, and read the label. "Angel's restoration…" He looked around, and saw a cab driving out of the parking lot. "She is alive…" He smiled, a tear slipping down his cheek. He opened the car door and picked the rose up off the ground, then left for school.
*I'll remember you, you will be there in my heart
I'll remember you, but that's all that I can do
But I'll remember*
The End.
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