), and remained
supportive even though I did an evil thing.
Author's Note: I won't blame any of you who might write me with flames. LOL.
Granted, it's a departure from what I usually do (and something I've said
very specifically at times that I would *never* do.), but the idea came to me
and wouldn't leave. So, my apologies in advance. And I'm also sorry if I
send any of you into alcoholism with this fic.
Another Author's Note: In case you haven't guessed by the above mentions,
this story *is* B/X. (Sorry. Again.)
So many days with him, so many nights, and I'm just realizing it now... Or
maybe it's that I realized it a long time ago, but was too worried about the
consequences. I've seen those eyes before, sometimes night after night in my
dreams, but I've never really had the opportunity to look into them, to see
what he was seeing, to feel his heart pound.
He made me feel beautiful.
The kind of beautiful that, if you're lucky, you only get to feel once a
lifetime. I've felt it before, though. With Angel... Angel made me feel
that way, whenever he glanced at me sideways when he thought I wasn't
looking. He made me feel loved and special and warm inside.
But it's different now. Now, all I can think of is his breath on the back of
my neck as we hunt together, and how comfortable and on fire I feel, all at
once. I can look into his eyes... There's no tragedy there. Just friendship
and passion and acceptance, and something that I can't yet describe.
Yes, maybe I fell in love with Xander a long time ago.
**********
"Whoa, Buff!" He tossed her a stake. "Let's make a coat rack out of this
one, okay?"
"As opposed to all the other ones?" she called out over her shoulder, ducking
the angry vampire's blow. She grinned at the demon and then spun around,
knocking him over with a sound kick to the neck. He landed on his back and
looked up at her with undisguised hatred.
"I'm going to kill you."
"Yeah, yeah," Buffy said mildly, slamming the stake into his chest. He
exploded in a cloud of dust and ash.
Buffy turned around and lifted her hand.
Xander ducked.
She looked hurt. "I was going to give you a high-five!"
"Oh." He grinned sheepishly. "I thought that maybe you were in the moment."
"Oh, Xander." Buffy smiled up at him as they began to walk. She nudged him
gently in the ribs. "I don't need a special slaying moment to hit you. I
hope you realize that."
Xander nodded. "Yep. And don't think that that, in any way, stomps all over
my masculinity and hangs it out the window naked so that people can laugh at
it."
Buffy nodded decisively. "I won't."
**********
Sometimes I think about what my life would have been like if Buffy had never
come to town. I probably would have ended up marrying someone, having a
couple of kids, and becoming a banker or something... I don't know. Even the
thought of life without her in it seems so much more boring than what I have
now.
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm in love with putting my life on the
line while I help her patrol. It's not like I'm in love with the idea that I
could die at any moment when I'm around her. It's not even like I'm in love
with the idea of danger itself. It's more like...
More like I'm in love with her.
I always thought it was just a crush, you know? Because after Buffy,
Cordelia came into my life, and it was wonderful. Sometimes. And Anya, who
made me feel strong and smart and sexy all at the same time, which, let me
tell you, isn't something I'm that accustomed to. And then there was Willow,
who everyone-- even myself, sometimes-- was convinced I would end up with. I
still wonder about her. I still think about her. I still love her, in my
way.
But, Buffy...
Ever since I first saw her, I felt like I was falling. And the wind was
blowing at my face and I was terrified and excited at the same time.
Skydiving. But, now that it's just the two of us, I wonder. I wonder if
it's possible. I wonder not only if she's feeling it too, but how deep my
feelings actually go.
*Am* I in love with her?
Sure as hell feels like it.
**********
Buffy unlocked her door and entered, waiting for Xander to follow before she
closed the door. He took a tentative step inside the apartment and then
thrust his hands in his pockets, exhaling deeply.
Buffy made her way over to the couch and sat down, gesturing for him to join
her. He looked around again, nervously, as though he knew something was
coming but didn't know what. Buffy smiled as he sat next to her, and looked
at him contemplatively. "Do you want something to drink?"
"Ah, no. Thanks." His hands were trembling.
"Listen, Xander... I wanted to talk to you. It's sort of important, I think.
But I don't..." Her voice cracked. "I don't know how you'll react, if you
even want to know."
Xander took her hand gently, looked into her eyes, and gathered his courage.
"Just tell me."
Buffy stared up at him and opened her mouth to speak. "Willow and Oz are
getting married."
He let go of her hand and sat back, disappointment welling in his chest.
That was it? That was the important something that he had felt was going to
happen tonight? He forced a smile. "I figured that it would happen sooner
or later," he nodded.
"You... Are you upset?" Buffy watched him closely.
"No," he replied, too quickly. "I just thought you were going to say
something different. I guess I'm a little surprised, though, even though I
knew they were going to get married eventually. Why didn't Willow call me
herself?"
"Your answering machine is broken," she reminded him. "She did call. About
forty times. Then she just asked me to tell you and have her call you."
"Oh." Xander rubbed his forehead; it was suddenly aching. He slung his
jacket over his arm. "Well then. I'd better go... call her."
"You can do it from here," Buffy offered.
"No. No, thanks. I need to be getting to sleep, anyway." He stood and made
his way to the door. Buffy followed after him, uncertainty and a deep,
private sort of pain in her eyes. At the door, Xander looked down at her,
and forced another smile. He leaned down and gave her a swift kiss on the
cheek. "I'll call you later, Buff."
"Bye, Xand," she called softly as he made his exit.
Buffy went back over to the couch and leaned her head back against the
cushion, closing her eyes. A long sigh escaped her mouth.
"What am I going to do now?"
**********
So, he was disappointed that Willow was getting married. I guess that
answered my 'could it be' question. And I'll admit that it hurts, even
though I knew what he would say. But, there was a little bit of hope
somewhere in me. There had to be. Hope that he would... What? Take me in
his arms and kiss me, I suppose. Say that he was happy for Willow and look
like he meant it.
It was because of that stupid hope that I always get myself into these sorts
of situations. I fall in love with men that I just can't have. Either
they're a vampire or a jerk or someone who dies... Or someone still in love
with my best friend.
I shouldn't have volunteered to tell Xander about it. God, that heartbroken
look on his face as soon as the words were out of my mouth was enough to make
the most evil demon in the world want to comfort him like he was a puppy who
had just gotten his tail closed in a door. I hated being the one who made
his face look like that. I hated being in the same room, even the same city
with him when he made that face.
He's not the best actor in the world. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if he
had been a better actor, or if he...
If he loved me.
Yeah, that would make it good.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Say nothing and hope the
feelings go away? Or say nothing and know that the feelings never will?
**********
"Willow." Xander smiled in relief. "I'm sorry to call so late."
Willow sounded groggy. "Not late," she corrected, "Early. Very, very early
in New York." She cleared her throat and then paused. "That's okay, though.
I've been needing to talk to you. Did... Did Buffy tell you?"
"Yeah. She told me. Congratulations."
"Thanks." Willow's voice was brimming with happiness. "You wouldn't believe
how sweet he was while proposing. He was so romantic, everything that I had
dreamed of when I was a little girl... We're coming back to Sunnydale for the
wedding, of course. We want you guys to be a part of it. As a matter of
fact, Oz was going to ask you if... Xander?"
"Yeah," he responded thickly.
"Are you okay?"
"Why do you ask?" He licked his lips, on the verge of hysterical laughter.
"I was just listening to you talk about the wedding. What were you about to
say?"
"Oz wants you to be his best man," Willow said hurriedly. "But never mind
that now. What's wrong? Is-- Are you upset that I'm getting married?" Her
voice was hesitant.
"No, I'm not." Xander looked down. "It's not like that. I really am happy
for you guys."
"Then what is it?" she persisted.
He smiled to himself. "How is it that you know me so well, Willow?"
"Twenty years of study," she shot back, and he could hear her grin. "So I'll
know if you're lying to me. Just tell me what's going on."
"I think I've fallen in love," Xander whispered. "With someone who... I
shouldn't be in love with."
"Oh, Xander," Willow said mournfully. "Another Cordelia?"
He chuckled. "No."
"Another demon?"
"No."
"Another Slayer?" she tried.
"Hey, I never really fell for Faith," he defended. "She just took advantage
of me."
"Did you just dodge the question, or am I hearing wrong?" Willow prompted.
"Well, your hearing was never really that great," he mumbled.
Her voice was soft, affectionate. "It was always perfect when I was
listening to you. So this is about Buffy?"
"Yes."
"What's the problem?" she asked. "You guys are great friends, you love each
other, you take care of each other, and Goddess knows that neither of you
have had a date in a million years. This has potential wonderfulness."
"You think? I mean..." Xander paused. "What if I try for it, and she's not
interested? It could ruin our whole friendship. Or what if we *do* get
together, and it doesn't work out? Or what if--"
"Xander," Willow interrupted patiently. "Have you ever thought that you were
in love with me?"
"What?"
"I know that there was a time when I was in love with you," she clarified.
"But what I want to know is, has there ever been a time when you felt that
you were in love with me? Deep, the kind of love that hurts, in your gut?"
"Yes."
"And do you know what kept us from really exploring that for each other?" she
asked bluntly.
"Um, no?"
"Yes, you do," Willow laughed. "It was these fears; these insane fears.
'What if she's not interested? It could ruin our friendship. What if it
doesn't work out? It could ruin our friendship.' I know friendship means a
lot to you, Xander... Hell, I don't think I would have been able to exist
during high school without having had you as my best friend. You're loyal to
a fault. And that's good. Unfortunately, it can also be a pain in the ass,
because it means that you're willing *not* to act on things if there's the
*slightest* possibility of messing up a friendship. If you and Buffy are
really friends, if you ever have been really friends, then you need to see
what can develop, instead of watching it pass you by."
"Yeah." Xander smiled. "You're the perfect example of that, Will. ...I
love you."
"I love you too," she said loftily, hiding a giggle. "So, I helped, right?"
"Yeah, you helped," he confirmed.
"Good. Now I'm going to get off the phone and get back to bed, because it's
four in the morning and I'm exhausted."
"Okay. ...Goodnight, Willow. Congratulations," he repeated. "Um, again."
"Goodnight. Sweet dreams."
Her phone disconnected. Xander looked at his phone for a moment and then
grabbed his jacket, and headed for the door.
He would save the thinking for later.
**********
So I know I might be making the biggest mistake of my life. So I know that
this might be thoughtless, selfish and just plain... stupid. I might be
putting Buffy in a position that makes both of us uncomfortable. But...
But, I might not.
I'm not sure what's going to happen. So many things could. I know what I
*want* to happen, though, and that's going to have to suffice for now. I'm
going to have to suck it up and let Buffy know just how much she means to me,
and why. Or maybe I'll whine for her love and then slink away with my tail
between my legs. Either way will work, I guess, as long as the end result is
her knowing how I feel.
And I can spend my life thinking about what could have happened. And I can
spend my life knowing that I should have told her, no matter what the outcome
was... Even if there was a chance of her wanting me, I'd regret that form of
non-action. Because I love her. God, I love her. So I have to force this
through. I have to tell her before I swallow or blink and find that my
courage is gone.
Willow always gave me the best pep talks. It's one of the things I grew up
loving her for. She always knew the exact thing to say to get me back on
track. And I am happy for her, I really am. If anyone deserves happiness,
it's Willow.
And me, I hope. With Buffy.
**********
A harsh knocking woke Buffy up, and she stumbled off the couch, brushing her
hair back. She picked up a stake at the counter and blinked a couple of
times before pulling the door open with a swish.
Xander stood there.
His eyes were red and bloodshot, and he was breathing heavily. He stared at
her for a long moment and then, trying to catch his breath, he stumbled into
the apartment. Buffy set her stake down and helped him over to the couch,
letting him lean against her.
"Xander?" she asked incredulously. "Did you run all the way here from your
place?!"
"No," he panted. "I drove. But I ran from my car to your door."
Buffy laughed and then socked him lightly in the stomach. Xander grinned.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, suddenly worried again.
"I just wanted to tell you..." He gulped. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight?" she asked in confusion. "You drove back over here to tell me
goodnight? You could have just called."
Xander stiffened. "I'm sorry for bothering you."
"No!" Buffy slumped, not able to find the right words. "I just meant that I
was surprised."
Xander stood and glanced at her, and then he began pacing. "How do you feel
about me?"
"What?" she asked blankly.
"How do you *feel* about me?" he repeated, fear knotting his stomach.
"How do I feel?"
"Yes." Xander cleared his throat. "Do you... Why can't you... Don't you
love me, even a little bit? Because we have a problem, and I don't know how
long I can keep quiet about it anymore."
"What's the problem?" she asked, almost amused.
"The problem is that I love you. And that I needed to say it. And that...
if this ruins us as friends, I'm never going to forgive myself," he said in a
rush.
"No," she disagreed. "That's not the problem. And the problem isn't that I
don't love you enough. The problem is that I love you a little too much, and
I think it's starting to kill me."
Xander stared at her for a moment, and then a broad smile broke out over his
face. In two strides he reached her and lifted her off the couch, pulling
her close, feeling her arms slide around his neck and lock there, feeling her
breasts crush against his chest in the intimacy of the moment.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered, his breath warm against her lips.
"I'm the Slayer," she announced quietly, "A coward when it comes to love."
His eyes met hers for a split second, hazel on blue-green, and then he
lowered his head to hers, catching her lips with his own. The kiss deepened
and he licked at her mouth slowly, tasting her. Buffy moaned quietly, wound
her arms around him tighter and let him ravage her mouth, as quickly and
slowly as she had ever dreamed. Xander lifted her higher in his arms until
her feet were dangling and groaned when she lifted her legs and wrapped them
around his hips.
Finally they broke apart, still intimately coiled around each other, and
Xander rested his forehead against hers.
"So, you came to say goodnight?" she asked with a slow grin.
"Yeah." His voice was husky.
Buffy looked at him seriously and then dropped to the ground, taking his
hand. She lowered her lashes at him, flashing him bedroom eyes. She led him
quickly to her bedroom door and then leaned up to kiss him once more before
turning the knob.
Her words were silky, full of happiness and warmth.
"You can say it in the morning."
The End
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