Hanging By A Moment
Author: Tara
Email: ScoobyLuvr@aol.com
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. They belong to a whole slew of
people including Joss Whedon, Fox, and the WB. Lifehouse and their people
own "Hanging by a Moment." I'm just borrowing everything for a little while.
Rating: PG
Feedback: Please...it really helps my self-esteem. :)
Summary: A response to Raven's Bard's challenge.
Authors Notes: Here's the requirements for the challenge:
Songfic for Lifehouse's "Hanging by a Moment"
-Bronze must be included at some point
-Anya must be included (at least at the beginning)
-must be 5th season (okay, I didn't really go with
this part. I
tried, but this idea had been bugging me for a
while and I had
to write it like this. I hope that's okay.)
Hanging by a Moment, by Lifehouse
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me
Now I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There is nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That could change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Hanging by a moment here with you
Good-byes are never easy. At least they aren't for me. I don't know what
bothered me most - the fact that it's so hard to say farewell or the surprise
that I'd actually thought it wouldn't be hard. Either way, I'm finding
myself recollecting memories that make this place so special. Wow. The
Bronze is closing. I knew that it wouldn't stay open forever, but I never
thought I'd be here to see it go.
I haven't even stepped foot in the place in over three years. It wasn't that
it became run down or any less fun; I just grew up. It was a teen club and
I'd left my teenage innocence behind long ago. Still, it held so many
memories that I'm actually regretting not spending more time here. This
couch has been here for as long as I can remember. In fact, there's still a
discolored spot on the arm where I spilled my punch during some school dance.
I wonder what will happen to it. It'll probably be trashed - my stain's not
the only one.
Whoever owns the place isn't dumb. For the last night of operation it's
packed - probably because of the free drinks and live band. A year ago three
new clubs opened up across town. The Bronze just couldn't compete. They
didn't go out without a fight, but they did back down gracefully when it
became apparent that "new" meant better.
"Hurts to see it go, huh, Xand?"
I turned at the voice and gave a grim smile. Buffy sat down next to me and
stared out across the dance floor. I nodded.
"A lot of stuff happened right here, started right here. It's a part of us
whether we want it to be or not," I replied, gazing out at the grinding
teenagers. Did we ever dance like that?
Buffy just leaned back and watched. Her outfit made her fit in well: black
form-fitting pants that flared at the bottom and a pink top with a scoop
neck. She was beautiful. But her features had aged from a girl to an adult.
I didn't have any room to talk. One year on the Hellmouth can wear on a
person. Twenty-four years can really ride you hard. We were the only ones
who got to find out.
Willow left after Tara died while stopping another prophecy. Losing two
lovers in a five year span was too hard. Houston's not that far, just a few
states over. She writes regularly, but never visits. Buffy and I went there
last year for a week. Texas agrees with Willow. I'm glad she found peace.
Giles died six months ago. He managed to survive all the vampires, spells,
and demons the Hellmouth threw at him, but cancer didn't care. I think it's
harder to see someone go naturally when you know there's nothing you can do.
At least we got to say goodbye. The new watcher is young and inexperienced,
but he tries hard. We're working on him.
Anya. Damn, even her name brings angry tears to my eyes. If our
relationship ever fell apart I always thought that I'd be the one to break it
off. She was so devoted and I loved her, really loved her, but she seemed
more dedicated than I could have been. I'll always love her, and I know she
still loves me, but a demon and a human can't be together. It's against the
rules. I've had time to get over her; two years apart can do that. Doesn't
make it hurt any less, though.
****** (Flashback)******
"It's okay, Anya, just hang on!" I rushed frantically into the emergency
room with my girlfriend in my arms - my dying girlfriend.
"Can somebody help me?!" I screamed at a nearby nurse. "Please!" I begged,
pleading with my eyes.
Anya's blood had soaked through both her shirt and mine. The gaping wound in
her stomach and throat kept pouring blood. I'd never seen so much red at one
time. I choked back a sob and glanced at the hurrying nurse.
I'm not sure when the evening went from great to dreadful. We were laughing,
carrying on after dinner and walking home to my apartment. Then, I reached
to hug her to myself and I felt her pull away. Glancing back, I saw the
vampire attack and bite her throat before my smile even left my face. She
refused to wear her cross that night. It didn't match her outfit. Damn her
for being fashionable.
I threw myself at the vampire and knocked her away. We grappled until I had
an opening. As I raised my stake I heard Anya squeal in mixed horror and
pain. Turning quickly, I saw a second vampire ripping into her abdomen.
Shoving the stake into the heart of the first vampire, I turned in one fluid
motion and stabbed the other. The ash and blood mixed like an erupting
volcano. It was eerie.
Now I stood in an emergency room covered in tears and blood. The nurse took
her out of my arms and placed her on a gurney. Silently, I watched them
wheel Anya through double doors before I collapsed on the linoleum floor.
The surgery on her throat went well. She had full function of her voice and
her windpipe wasn't crushed. Unfortunately, the damage to her stomach had
been too severe. Internal bleeding was slowly draining her life as I sat
there watching. I knew it and she knew it. My girlfriend was dying,
courtesy of the Hellmouth.
"Anya," I managed, grasping her hand. She was conscious, but I wasn't sure
if that was good or not. Who wanted to be awake while they died?
"I'm dying," she rasped. I nodded, not even trying to argue with the obvious.
"It happens," I said with a sad smile.
She nodded slowly and looked away. "It doesn't have to; not to me. I don't
have to die."
Again, I couldn't argue. She was right. With a simple yes or no Anya
wouldn't have to die tonight. She could live forever and never have to face
the bitter truth of humanity. It was the reason we were out tonight. It was
a celebration dinner because she had decided to say no to D'Hoffryn. He had
offered her powers back and she never said yes or no. After a little alone
time with me, she told me her decision. No. She wanted to spend her life
with me. She loved me enough to give up eternity. Only she never thought
she'd be the first to go.
I couldn't say anything. Whether she lived or died she'd still be lost to
me. There was no way for us to stay together if she became a demon again.
"I love you, Xander."
"I-" I started, but she cut me off.
"I know, you love me, too. But I'm not the only one," she said, smiling. It
was a genuine smile, no anger, sadness, or regret.
That night we said goodbye and Anya became a vengeance demon again. Somehow
I think the role may acquire a new job description. Who said fate doesn't
have a sense of humor?
*****(End Flashback)*****
"Xander," Buffy said, and it was evident by her tone that it wasn't the first
time. "Xander!"
Shaking my head, I turned to look at her. The light from the dance floor had
crept over to her edge of the couch and shrouded her with graceful hues. The
light pink of her shirt and golden strands of her hair framed her face and
made her eyes shine. They were tired and had seen entirely too much, but
they still gleamed with life and warmth. She was simply beautiful. I wonder
if she even realized it. Nah. Even the light was attracted to her.
Something about Buffy Anne Summers made the rest of the world disappear and
leave me breathless. Damn.
I gulped. "Yeah, Buff?" I asked, giving her my best smile.
"I asked if you wanted to dance, but you seemed to be off in La-La Land."
I smiled again, that playful grin Buffy always called 'lopsided.' "You know
me too well. Like I said, a lot happened here over the years. It brings
back a lot of memories."
She nodded. "Yeah, this is where it all started. I mean, when we all came
together and decided what it would take to bring down the nasties took place
right here. I kinda feel guilty that I haven't been back in such a long
time. Now, we only have one night left to make memories." I didn't say
anything; she hit the nail on the head.
"So, are you up to one last memory? Dance with me, Xander," she said,
grabbing my hand.
I looked out at all the teens and their style of dancing and raised an
eyebrow.
"Sure, but not in here." It was her turn to raise an eyebrow.
"Huh?"
"Come on," I said, leading her out of the club.
I led her down the well-lit sidewalk, away from the music and gyrating
bodies. Someone in Sunnydale finally wizened up and decided that a few
lights couldn't hurt the crime-rate. Our hands remained clasped as I pulled
her into the soft glow of a street lamp. Stopping, I felt a faint drop of
water run down my neck.
"It's going to rain," I said, staring at her.
She looked up into the dark night sky and searched for the heavy clouds.
Looking back at me, she cocked her head. "Where are we going, Xand?"
I rested my other hand on the curve of her waist and started to sway. "Right
here."
I saw the confusion in her eyes before she looked around, straining to see if
anyone else was nearby. There was no one. "Um, you usually need music to
dance."
I shrugged. "We'll make our own." I began humming a soft tune and pulled
her closer to me. She smelled like vanilla. We danced in the orange
spotlight for a few minutes before she began humming a new song. I let her
take the lead while I pulled back a little and gazed at the face of my
slayer.
There was a scar over her left eye, left by a Grephlon demon we fought last
summer - think of an over-grown Edward Scissorhands. It had faded over the
year but the line still ran from her eye into her hairline. Moving my hand
from her side, I lifted her hair and gently traced the raised tissue. As my
fingers ran over her eyebrow I felt her shudder.
"Xander," she shakily said, eyes still closed. "What are you doing?"
I let my hand fall to the curve of her cheek before pushing her hair behind
her ear. Leaning down, I whispered. "I'm falling even more in love with
you."
The words were out before I even knew what I was saying. It was the truth.
Buffy stood in my arms and looked like she belonged to me. On some primal
level, she did. I had whispered worords that most people never said until they
were deep in an intimate relationship. Maybe it wasn't the best timing, but,
damn, it sure felt right.
She suddenly stopped dancing and became stiff in my arms. Before she could
pull away, I tightened my grip on her arms.
"Xander, I-"
"No, Buffy, just listen. I'm sorry I threw that on you all of a sudden. It
wasn't planned and it wasn't the best idea in the world, but I meant every
word." There was no turning back now. What the hell, I had nothing else to
lose. Whatever happened now, happened.
She tried to push me back but I held my ground. "No! I'm not going to move
voluntarily this time. I'm standing firm on this decision, Buffy. I love
you. I always have. Anya even knew it. No matter how much I loved her and
tried to be devoted she saw through it all. Don't you get it? You're all I
know. You're the only reason I'm still here. Look around you, Buffy! Do
you see anyone else? I could have left a long time ago but I didn't! Hell,
I'm living my life for you! It's all I know how to do." I was near tears
now. They had already left her eyes and settled on her cheeks. It just made
her more spectacular.
I finally let go of her arms but she didn't move. She just stared into my
eyes with a look of realization. Had she been blind all this time? Maybe
she never noticed my love before, but she sure did now.
"Buffy, I don't have much to offer. I can't make promises of wealth or a
life of ease but I can promise affection, faithfulness, and love." The rain
fell at the same time as my tears. Her hand reached up to brush them away
but she couldn't distinguish the different drops. It didn't matter-they both
stung.
"I don't know what to say," she whispered.
"Just give me the truth, Buffy. I'm starving for it. I made a headfirst
dive into dark water. Was it worth it?"
Her hands shook against my face in sync with her lips. "Yes," I heard her
say before our mouths met in a fury of emotion. That yes was so full of love
and conviction that it shook me more than the kiss. She meant it.
The kiss ended and I hugged her to me, burying my face in her hair. The rain
pelted down on our bodies but it didn't matter. She said yes and she meant
it.
"Xander," I heard her say. "It's raining. We should probably go in."
I gave an awkward nod into her hair but didn't let go. "Give me a second,
Buff. I'm hanging by a moment, here. I'm not ready to give it up just yet."
I felt her hug me tighter and pull back. We stared into each other's faces
before she reached out to give me a tender kiss. "Me either, Xand. Me
either."
The End
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