Author: Brooke
Email: absolutxandman@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. I wished I owned the
two Xanders’ from "The Replacement" though. Buffy and
friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century
Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show.
Summary: It’s short Xander POV. Just read.
Spoilers: I’m not good with eppy titles, but it’s
pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5.
Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know.
Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you
liked it. Whatever. Just write back!
Authors Note: This takes place before "The Body",
since I wrote it before that episode
Dedicated to Shawn. Happy BX b-day :)
Hindsman Park is beautiful at night. The stars
gleaming, contrasting almost blindingly against the
hazy black sky. The warm Southern California air
caressing my skin, both heating and cooling in a
perfect mixture. The dewy grass beneath my bare feet.
I love this.
If Buffy weren’t by my side I probably wouldn’t have
realized this aspect of this otherwise ordinary place,
and I certainly wouldn’t come back night after night
if she didn’t come with me. So we come to this, our
spot, every night after her patrol, just to think. We
don’t even really talk, we just sit in comfortable
silence.
Nobody knows that we do this. Come here. Not even
Anya. It’s just ours, mine and Buffy’s. Something that
nobody else in the word can touch. The one thing that
belongs to just us, the only thing that I’ve ever
really shared with Buffy.
Sometimes, well most times actually, when I’m supposed
to be ‘reflecting’, as Buffy calls it, I just sit and
watch her. If she knows, she doesn’t say anything. She
just sits, basking in the moonlight staring at the
stars. I always wonder what she thinks about when she
seems lost in them, but I never ask. When she gets
like that I feel like my voice will just end the
silent world of perfection that she created for
herself. I’m always just content to watch her dwell in
it for a few hours each night.
I’ve even caught her watching me. I’m just like her. I
know when she’s staring, but I don’t say anything, I
mostly keep my eyes focused ahead. I let her find
whatever it is she’s looking for in me and believe it.
Just like she does with me. But I have to admit, a
precious few times I have turned to meet her gaze.
Those are the nights we spent just looking at each
other, finding what we need in each other and taking
it. It’s like for these few hours that we sit here
Buffy is mine. She wouldn’t like the idea of
ownership, but that doesn’t change the fact. I belong
to her, too, while we’re here at least. I mean, a part
of me always has and always will, but while we’re in
the park Buffy accepts it, covets it.
It’s during these nights that I realize that I’ll
always be Buffy’s even if on the most miniscule level.
Sometimes when I wish my feelings for her were
different I call myself sick for loving a woman who
will never love me the way I’ve always wanted. Those
are the times when we’re fighting or I’m questioning
her. I do that a lot while we’re here, but she’ll
never know. Buffy will never know that I’ve come here
with her as a friend, watched her sit in the moonlight
until I hated her, and walked out of the park by her
side more in love with her then I ever thought humanly
possible. More than I should for someone who is just
my best friend. But I’ve realized that it’s…weird. My
feelings for Buffy. It’s the kind of thing that only
makes sense when you say it in your mind and you know
that you’d never be able to repeat it out loud and
have it make any kind of sense.
I do know that I used to have a puppy love for her. An
innocent childhood crush. But now, five years later,
it’s more. It’s so much more. It’s true. I know all
there is to know about her. The good and the bad; I
think I know even more about her than Willow, which
was a weird crossing point for me personally. I was
used to just knowing the superficial information, now
I know the secrets that she has only repeated the one
time to me, and she will not repeat them again to
anyone else.
Yes, we exchange secrets. We’re twenty and we make
each other pinky swear on the big stuff. It feels good
to get back to the way I was when I was a kid. I
didn’t know Buffy when she was a kid, but I like to
think that while we’re sitting here I get a glimpse of
how she was, like we’re bringing a degree of innocence
back into our tainted lives. It feels even better that
she trusts me beyond a shadow of a doubt, just like I
trust her.
Sitting up here I’ve told her things about myself that
I hadn’t even told Willow. It’s weird how Wills always
got both of our secret stuffs, isn’t it? I tell Buffy
the things that tear me up inside day after day, and
every night she makes them go away. She doesn’t have
to fight them physically, although I know that
sometimes she wishes that she could. It’s just how she
listens to me, really listens and takes in every word;
and how she asks and prods until I’ve said everything.
Before we started doing this I had never figured Buffy
as one who would look deeper into me and know when I
was holding back, but that’s just what she does. Her
very presence stills something in me, chases my fears
away, makes me breathe, and my heart beat.
I turn my gaze now from the sky to her and watch her
contently, and after a moment I feel my lips curl into
a small smile. I see Buffy glance at me out of the
corner of her eye as I continue my dedicated study of
her. She still doesn’t turn completely to look at me,
but I see her lips crack into a grin. I scoot as close
as I can to her, sliding easily along the wet turf
beneath me, only stopping when we are sitting side by
side. I lean in as close as I can to her face, not
touching, but just close enough to be annoying.
Even I get tired of silence sometimes.
I get no reaction, so I lean in even more until the
tip of my nose is touching her cheek. And finally
Buffy giggles and asks, "What are you doing Xander?"
"Trying to seduce you." I say matter-of-factly. This
particular game started as a result of boredom, I
don’t remember whose. Too much quite makes even the
most patient of us restless. Oh yeah, I remember…I
started this. You now, just a little outlet under the
guise of some platonic fun. I always tell myself that
when Buffy lets me get this close to her face without
hitting me. If Buffy needs ‘Xander the girl
interchangeable brother type’, then I can do that. If
she needs some lighthearted flirting that won’t lead
to anything, I can do that too. I’ll be anything for
her, anything she needs.
"Is it working?" I ask, my nose still against her
cheek. "Am I wooing you with my irresistibly manly
Xanderish charms?"
"Oh yeah. I want on." Buffy joked back, still not
looking at me.
"In the middle of the park? Kinky." I laugh, pulling
away from her, "I like kinky."
Buffy pushes my shoulder in response and I fall on my
side melodramatically and play dead. I open my eyes a
little to see Buffy crawling towards me, just the
reaction I was hoping for, and I clench them shut
again. I feel her straddle my stomach and say
menacingly, "I’ll give you something to play dead
about."
I love being this close to her. The whole world fades
away when we’re like this. It’s times like these that
make me hope for the impossible. That maybe someday
Buffy will want me. But at the same time whenever I
think that I want that now, I wonder if I would want
things to change between us. I wonder if I want Buffy
the way that I want to want Buffy.
I open my eyes before I dwell on that anymore. I don’t
like thinking about not wanting her any more then I
like thinking about wanting her and not having her.
When I see the look in her eyes though, more important
issues come to mind because I can see what is coming
next.
"Nonononononononononono!!!!!!" I laugh out in rapid
succession.
That doesn’t stop her. Why do I always think begging
will stop a Slayer?
She starts tickling me unmercifully as I squirm on the
ground, my head tossing form side to side while I try
to dislodge her from my body. Buffy’s laughter breaks
through the still night with my cries as I struggle,
with no avail, to get up.
I love making her laugh. Watching her clear blue-green
eyes light up, and the finest of lines form on her
cheeks. I love knowing that I am responsible for
making her feel that way. "Can’t…breathe." I strangle
out in a fit of laughter as the assault continues.
I finally gain enough strength to control my arms at
reach up to tickle her back. I know Buffy’s ticklish
riiiggghtttt….there.
"Ahhhhh!!!!" her high pitched shriek rises above the
laughter as my hands hit her sides just above her
waist. This gives me the opportunity to roll her off
of me and gain my breath as we lay side by side in the
grass, looking at the sky again.
It’s beautiful. What we’ve created for ourselves here
in the early hours of the morning in the middle of
Hindsman Park. Just me and my best friend. The girl
I’ve watched grow up. The woman who I trust with
everything I am. The owner of my heart, even though
she never expressed an interest in the property.
This is the most perfect time of my day. In my life. I
wouldn’t change it for anything.
The End.
Go to:
Main Page
Angel Fanfiction
Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fanfiction
Crossover Fanfiction
