Author: Christine
E-mail: Xanderette43@hotmail.com
Spoilers: This takes place at the end of season three’s episode ‘Helpless.’
Disclaimer: I don’t own the Buffy characters sadly enough, but if I did,
then I’d have Xander dressed in leather all the time... :)
Dedication: To Karen because you always make me laugh, plus you gave me
inspiration for the title.
Author’s Note: This is just pointless W/X fluffy goodness, as Xander would
say.
Buffy shrugged. “Nothing's really gonna change. The important thing is, I
kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror.”
Oz nodded. “Bright side to everything.”
Buffy smiled at Oz as she reached for the jar of peanut butter. She grasped
it in her hands and tried to open it, but the top wouldn’t come off. She
gritted her teeth and tried again, but the top didn’t budge. She looked up
to see Xander standing there next to Willow smirking at her.
“Give you a hand with that, little lady?” he asked smugly.
She glared at him playfully. “You're loving this far too much.”
Xander grinned. “Admit it. Sometimes you just need a big strong...”
The top of the jar didn’t move. He twisted it again, but it still it didn’t
pop off. He kept smiling nervously at Buffy, but eventually he gave up. “Uh,
Will? You wanna give me a hand?”
Willow rolled her eyes and took the jar from him. She hit it a couple times
on the counter and opened it up. “Here you go Buffy.”
Xander stared at her. “Hey, how come you didn’t tell me to bang it on the
counter?”
Willow giggled. “Well at first I was gonna, but just seeing you try to act
all macho and stuff was too much... I wanted to see if you could actually
open it without assistance.”
Xander stuck his tongue out at her. “Well at least I’m not the one who
ruined your mother’s lingerie when we were six.”
Willow’s eyes grew wide. “No, don’t you dare Xander! That was a secret
remember?”
Xander grabbed a spoon and stuck it in the peanut butter jar. He smiled
devilishly at her and pulled the spoon out and licked it. “Hey guys wanna
hear a funny story?”
Buffy laughed, “Sure Xan, I’m all ears.”
Oz nodded his head in agreement. “Cool.”
Willow shook her head. “Xander....”
Xander looked at her and wagged his finger at her. “Now Willow, the people
wanna hear this funny story... you wouldn’t want to disappoint them now
would you?”
Willow glared indignantly at him. “Fine, but just know I have stories about
you too.... like the time you built that ‘spaceship’ in the old birch tree
in my backyard and decided you could actually fly it and then you ended up
breaking you arm and your elbow when you fell out of the tree.”
Xander glowered at her. “Hey but at least I’m not the one who thought it
would be fun to play James Bond in the middle of the night with
walkie-talkies and talk with a British accent while doing it.”
Willow stomped her foot. “That was your idea!”
Xander thought for a moment, and then smiled sheepishly. “Oh yea, heh,
nevermind.”
Buffy sat at the counter with tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.
“Tell the story about the peanut butter Xander!”
Xander cleared his throat and started his story. “Ok, so there we were, age
six. I was over at Will’s house cause we were having a sleepover, and her
parents had gone a dinner party and the baby-sitter never showed up, so Will
suggested that we play ‘dress up.’ cause her mom didn’t let her if she was
around.”
Willow interjected for a moment. “My parents are irresponsible and weird...
no one else would leave two six year old kids home alone... ok ok go on
Xan.”
Xander nodded and continued. “So yea Willow wanted to play dress up, so we
ran upstairs and went into her parents closet in search of clothes to wear.
I found this cool Hawaiian shirt that her dad got from Maui on their
honeymoon, and also a pair of shorts that were just a little bit too big,
but then I found a belt so I wrapped that around the shorts. Willow in the
meantime found her mom’s lingerie and pulled out a little polka dotted
number. It was this silky bra and underwear and it had little silver polka
dots sewn on to it. She put them on and grabbed her dad’s Yankee’s hat and
told me to wear it cause it would make my outfit the best... I did and we
walked downstairs to her kitchen cause we were hungry. When we got
downstairs -”
Willow interrupted him and whined. “Xander do we have to continue this?”
Buffy raised her spoon in the air. “Continue Xander, I give you
permission.”
Willow turned to Buffy and made a face at her. “Not fair.”
Buffy shrugged, “Hey Oz don’t you wanna hear the rest of the story?”
Willow looked over at her boyfriend and made a ‘don’t you dare say yes’
face. Oz nodded his head. “Yea, this is better then watching tv.”
Willow sighed and waved her hand. “Fine fine, let’s hear the rest of what
Willow did to her mom’s clothes and kitchen.”
Xander smiled gleefully and continued the story. “Ok, so there we were in
her kitchen and Will thought it would be cool if we made a drink, so she got
out the blender and plugged it in. I got out the orange juice and grapes
and she went into the cabinet and pulled out two jars of peanut butter...
she likes creamy, I like chunky. So anyway we start adding the ingredients
into the blender and Willow thought of putting chocolate in there too so she
found the bag of snickers in the cabinet and put them in there, wrappers and
all. I found the top to the blender and gave it to Willow who put it on and
pressed the ‘blend’ button. It was going good for a while until she stopped
it to look at the gross stuff inside. She turned it on again, but forgot to
put the top back on and all the stuff flew out and went all over us and the
rest of the kitchen. She hit the off button and I wiped a huge glob of
peanut butter off her face. She turned to me and started to cry because her
parents would be really pissed off, so I just stood there hugging her and
telling her that we would clean it up and no one would know it happened.
She said ok, so we got off the chairs we were standing on to reach the
counter and I took her hand and we went into the closet to get the cleaning
supplies. On our way back though, we didn’t see this huge pile of chunky
peanut butter on the kitchen floor and Willow slipped and fell right on it.
Her mom’s lingerie was covered in it on the front, and a few of the polka
dots fell off. I helped her up, but she slipped again and brought me back
down with her and I landed on top of her and face first in the peanut
butter that was on the floor. Her parents at that moment decided to walk
in the door and see us covered in peanut butter and snicker’s wrappers. We
had *quite* a talk that night didn’t we Will?”
Willow nodded her head vigorously. “Ohhh yea. I still remember my Dad’s
face when you stood up and had peanut butter dripping off your nose.”
Xander laughed. “Yea, and we had that two hour bath in order to get the
stuff off of us?”
Willow giggled. “Yea, and if you look real closely at my ceiling in the
kitchen, you can *still* see the grease stains from the peanut butter.”
Buffy had tears streaming down her face from laughing so hard. “So how long
did it take your parents to clean all that up Will?”
Willow thought for a moment. “Had to be at least three hours because the
peanut butter and the wrappers stuck to the floor, ceiling and walls like
glue.” She shook her head, “I’m just glad we didn’t get in that much
trouble.”
Xander smiled. “Hey Will, wanna tell them about that time where you tripped
Cordy in the bus cause she made fun of me?”
Willow rolled her eyes. “Xan, I think everyone’s had enough of our stories
for one day.”
Xander tapped his finger on his knee. “Oh! Wait, no I gotta tell the story
about that one time when we went to Disneyland and when Donald Duck came up
to you, you got so scared you peed your pants and -”
Willow grabbed a spoon and scooped out a glob of peanut butter. “Xander if
you don’t shut up right now, I’ll be forced to use this.”
Xander smiled and ignored her. “So her mom had to take her to the bathroom
to change, and when we started walking again, Goofy stopped us and went up
to her and tried to hug her and she threw-up on him and started crying
hysterically.” He stopped for a moment and started laughing.
Willow glared at him. “Not funny! Goofy was scary ok?”
Buffy chuckled and winked at Willow. “So what did you do when you saw
Mickey?”
Willow was about to answer her when Xander interruped her. “Oh well when
she saw Mickey she -”
Xander stopped talking when an enormous glob of peanut butter whacked him in
the cheek. “Hey!”
Willow danced around in her chair. “Yes! Gotcha!”
Xander glared at her and continued the story while wiping the peanut butter
off his face with a napkin. “So when Willow met Mickey -”
*Whack*
Xander was hit in the face again and he turned to Willow and got up off his
chair. He took his spoon and pulled out a gigantic glob of peanut butter
out of the jar and put dropped it in his hands and walked over to her and
proceeded to smear it all over her face. “There we go, all better.”
Willow screamed, jumped up and wiped her face with her sleeve. “Xander!”
She grabbed the jar of peanut butter and her spoon and started to chase him
around the kitchen. He ran out the back door and she followed him. Buffy
turned to Oz and shook her head while laughing.
Oz smiled and looked out the window to see Willow knock Xander to the
ground, climb ontop of him, and throw her hands up in the air in victory.
He turned back to Buffy. “Some people never learn.”
The End
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