AUTHOR: Tracy Girlie
E-MAIL: bushman@total.net
SPOILERS: Oh, everything. Just to be sure
RATING: G. Very solid G.
DISTRIBUTION: Just ask, and it's yours. This and all my fics can be found at Laura's archive at http://members.dencity.com/romantical1/tracyfic.html
DISCLAIMER: They belong to Joss. And those creeps at Fox, and some people I've never hear of at Kuzui and Sandollar. Mutant Enemy is Joss', so I think that's covered.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I want to personally thank Laura Smith and Amy for coming and playing with me in my sandbox about three weeks ago. I miss you guys!
FEEDBACK: AH! The all-important feedback. Well, I'd just like to say... If you like it and you know it tell me so (clap clap). If you like it and you know it tell me so (clap clap). If you like it and you know it and you really want to show it, if you like it and you know it tell me so (clap clap).
Jesse had this thing where he always sounded like he knew what he was talking about. I know most people think I don't think about him any more. But I do. I don't think of him a lot, but every few days, something will catch my attention and I'll think of him. Sometimes, I'm sad at how it all turned out. Sometimes I'm angry with him for dying - for getting captured and turned into a vampire. Mostly I just miss him and his stupid sayings. That was his deal -- even if he had no clue, he could make it *sound* as if he had the exact score. That was his gift. Some people have great teeth, some people are smart - Jesse had faux-confidence.
And as I stand here, watching these proceedings, I can't help but wonder how much he influenced me with that stupid worldly ignorance he constantly fed me through junior high. How much of it seeped into my subconscious and influenced decisions I made? The paths I chose? Too many to count, probably. But the question I'm left with is, did he set me on the path that led me here? Did one of his little blurbs of 'this is how it is' lead me to make the choices that leave me here, in this chapel, on a glorious Saturday, watching this wedding unfold before my very eyes? I mean, most of the time, Willow was there to separate the fact from crap out of Jesse's speeches, but there was one instance that stands out in my mind where she was nowhere to be found, and I *know* that it was that conversation that counted.
I wonder how much I missed out on by listening to him so closely that day? How expensive his lesson really was to me.
I watch Anya make her way down the aisle, coyly smiling at most of the men in attendance as she does so. She even stops to give me a slow wink, even though we ended long ago. I have a feeling she's really digging the bridesmaid thing way more than she would being the actual bride. For all her clinging, she really prefers being in control of a gaggle of men.
'Anya is the sort of girl you date.' It's almost like I can hear Jesse's voice in my head, telling me about all the different kinds of women. He'd managed to break them down into three categories by the wise old age of thirteen. There were the women you fooled around with, the women you dated, and the women you married. I can hear the conversation in my mind, just like it was yesterday, as I turn to watch Cordelia begin her trek down the aisle, commanding the gaze of every man within one hundred yards with her poise and confidence. I'd bet that's going to piss Anya off something fierce. My gaze remains on the dark-haired woman walking down the aisle, but my mind drifts to a scene long ago.
"Xander, man, you gotta loosen up a little. You can't obsess about one girl so early." Jesse was standing on a bench in front of the school, balancing an open pudding cup on his head as he spoke. "I mean, Ginny's nice and all, but she's going to lead you to a world of trouble."
I broke my gaze from the petite blonde who was reading across the grass from me and glared at him in the sunlight. "Explain to me how this is different than your little thing over the Queen Witch known as Cordelia Chase," I demanded.
Jesse hopped down neatly and caught the pudding cup with one hand, bowing a little at the end of his demonstration for emphasis. "Cordelia's my fool-around girl. Ginny is the sort of girl you marry."
"What?"
Jesse slung an arm around my shoulder and took on the tone of an older brother. "There are three types of girls, Xander, and you can't settle down too early, so you'd better learn 'em now." I rolled my eyes and got comfortable on the bench. This was going to be a long one. "There's your basic fool-around girl - the one with curves in all the right places, but who you know you could never have a day-to-day relationship with. They're either too beautiful, and you'd have to defend your position all the time, which is tiring, or they're just plain annoying. Fool around girl." He spoke the last part very slowly, as if he was afraid I wouldn't grasp the concept. He then held up two fingers in a grand gesture to indicate he was moving on. "There's your date girl. This is the girl who is pretty, the one who will remind you to do your homework and give you a little nookie on the side. These are the girls you take to dances, to the movies. These girls are your steady-but-not-too-serious squeezes. You with me so far?"
I nodded tiredly, wondering how he could make so much sense, and yet be so annoying, at eight-thirty in the morning. "And Ginny is the girl I marry?"
Jesse shoveled a spoonful of butterscotch pudding into his mouth and spoke around it. "Hell, yeah! Ginny is the sort of girl you marry. So's Willow. They're the girls who are dependable. The ones you can build a comfortable life with after you're done playing the field. They're the ones you settle down with when the fun's over. So, you can't be thinking about Ginny now, cuz she'll suck you into husbandhood faster than you can burp the alphabet."
I remember turning this over in my head and absorbing it. It all made sense, in a way. I remember looking away from Ginny and watching as Willow got out of her Dad's car and began walking towards us. Jesse noticed her too and nudged me in the ribs. "I'm gonna marry Willow," he declared.
My eyes widened and my throat went dry at that thought, even all those years ago. "No you're not!" I replied. "If anyone gets to, it should be me."
Jesse snorted lightly. "Nah. You'll screw it up long before that. I'll marry her, you'll see."
Willow reached us by that point, and I sat there, staring at her in shock as I thought about her and Jesse living happily ever after.
"Hi guys," she said brightly, bouncing on the balls of her feet and swinging her arms a little. "Whatcha talking about?"
"We're arguing over who gets to marry you," Jesse replied, winking at her. She turned a shade of red, similar to her sneakers, and opened and closed her mouth rapidly. "I'm in the lead," Jesse continued, reaching out and pulling her down to the bench beside him, farther away from me.
Then she giggled and the tension in my stomach seemed to break up and drift away.
With I shake of my head, I bring myself back to the present. Cordelia is almost at the top of the aisle now, and she turns and gives me a sympathetic smile as she takes her place, letting me know that this isn't going to be as hard on me as I think it will be.
But she doesn't know how I feel like I've already lost so much. Every move, every sentence, every thought, after that conversation with Jesse, was tempered with the notion that Willow wasn't the sort of girl you dated. She immediately became an off-limits girl for me, just from that one bit of 'wisdom' that Jesse shared with me. I regulated her to a 'buddy' in my world, which, I'm the first to admit, was probably a mistake in retrospect. I could've *dated* Willow. I could have been the guy who took her dances and the movies. The guy who got to hold her hand and kiss ice cream off her nose. But that stupid, stupid, thought that Willow wasn't a date-type girl held me back. I can't believe how much that one conversation held me back. Right up until senior year, with that kiss in Willow's room before Homecoming. I've replayed that entire scene in my head a million times, and I still have yet to find a flaw. Except that we stopped kissing - that was the part I didn't like so much. But after that month, she went back to Oz, and I lost out. That was when I began wishing that I'd thought of her as my date-girl a hell of a lot sooner.
I watch Buffy begin her trek down the aisle, resplendent with happiness for her friend getting married today. With Buffy's arrival, the dynamic changed. We lost Jesse, and we learned that the forces of darkness were very real and fought dirty. There's so many memories of near-misses with Willow during that chapter in my life that it's almost painful to think about for too long. I can remember the time I thought they were going to kill her, when they wanted to bring the Master back - I was so terrified I was going to lose her. I remember that once Angel had unhooked her from that chain, how I'd cradled her and we'd watched Buffy smash the Master's bones to bits. I was trembling so much that I had to hold my jaw closed to keep my teeth from chattering. That was the first time I nearly lost her. There've been dozens of times since. Between the comas, the crazed Slayers with knives, the blown up school, and the regular old vampire attacks, it's a wonder we're all here today.
I let my gaze wander to the ceiling of the chapel, painted brightly with angels. I can't believe I'm here, that this is happening. I only have a few regrets in my life. And listening to Jesse that day tops the list. I missed out on so many things with Willow because his advice stuck in my subconscious. I should've started dating her right after that night they tried to resurrect the Master. I should have never let her go back to Oz after the fluke. I should have ditched Anya and been there for Willow after Oz left. So many shoulds.
The wedding march has started now, and I turn with the rest of the guests and gaze expectantly at the back of the chapel, waiting for the bride's glowing entrance. And she is glowing, her eyes radiating happiness even as her skin shimmers alongside her gown. Willow has always been pretty, but sometime toward the end of high school, she blossomed into stunning and never looked back. My eyes are moist as I watch her walk with her father up the aisle.
I remember with a twinge of sadness how sure Jesse was that it was going to be him waiting for her at the end of the aisle. After she met Oz, I was sure he was going to be in the monkey suit, grinning ear to ear with the happiness of being the man Willow chose to live her life with. But it's not. It's someone who learned a lesson a long time ago and clung to it through all the bad times life dealt out.
When she gets to the end of the aisle, I offer her my arm and smile. "Hi," she whispers nervously. "There's so many people here!"
"It'll be fine," I whisper back, making her giggle as her veil billows a little with my breath. We take our places and stand and listen as the judge begins the service, but I'm already swept away somewhere else in my mind. I repeat my vows as I stare at her reverently, wondering whether to curse Jesse for keeping me from her for so long, or thank him for giving me the idea in the first place that she was who I wanted to spend my life with.
Willow's luminous eyes as she repeats her vows make the decision for me. I'd walk through fire to thank Jesse in this instant.
I don't hear the rest of what the judge says until he gets to the important part "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."
Damn straight, buddy. I lift her veil back, examining her face as it comes into full view finally. I lean into Willow, loving how she tilts her head up at just the perfect angle, and we melt into each other. Her lips are smooth and warm, and I've never felt more *alive* in my life. We break the kiss, but don't move apart, taking this time for just us.
"Hey," she whispers. "We made it."
"Hard to believe with our track record, isn't it?" I murmur. She smiles and in that instant, my eyes fill up with tears. Happy tears, that we're here and we're in love and it's wonderful. Sad tears that some of the people who should be here to share it aren't. Tears because I'm so grateful that I didn't lose her after all.
She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheeks softly, smiling gently at me. "Happily ever after begins now. So no crying."
"Of course not," I agree, returning her smile. I stare at her for a moment longer, reluctant to share her with everyone else at the wedding.
She giggles and stares back at me, and just like that, like it's happened a million times before, she reads my mind and completes me with one sentence. "Yeah. I love you too."
The End
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