By Emily
E-mail: DoylesPrincess@aol.com
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, even though he doesn't deserve them cuz he's just so mean to them! Then again, I'm not so nice in this story either..so...it's Jossified! The song "Anyway" belongs to Shelby Starner.
RATING: PG
NOTES: This story just kinda popped into my head the other night when I wasn't really feeling myself, and just felt like writing something kinda depressing. It takes place after "Innocence" and is from Jenny's point of view.
MORE NOTES: Well, it's finally finished! After writing half of it like 6 months ago, I finally got up the energy (and got over the writer's block!) and finally finished it. I feel so proud of myself now... :-)
I hadn't talked to him since the night they found out I wasn't who I said I was. Since he had told me to leave. That was two weeks ago - and up until tonight I had managed to stay strong, wouldn't allow myself to cry. I don't know what exactly it was that triggered it, but it did.
I had left later than I usually did, probably around 6:30. I was walking to my car when I saw his still sitting there - completely deserted. And I knew he wasn't training with Buffy, or talking to her and her friends. I had all I could do to keep myself from going back inside, begging to talk things out with him. I don't know how long I had been standing in front of his car, but I heard Willow and Xander coming out, and I got to my car as fast as I could.
Funny how I had faced so much in my life but two high school students could scare me away.
I had to go to the store, but decided not to. All I wanted to do right then was go home - maybe catch up on the sleep I knew I wouldn't get. I had felt bad lying to him all along, but after he found out was worse. They way he would purposely avoid me, the way the only people in this world I cared about turned against me.
I should have been honest, I know that now. I'm pretty sure I knew that then. But I was scared. Scared of what might happen, and what eventually did. And even though I was hanging out with a bunch of high school students, I actually felt I fit in somewhere.
I had never really gotten along with my family. In fact the only reason I agreed to watch over Angel was so I could get away from them and all their ways. Yet I never thought I would get so involved with anybody on my missions...or so hurt.
I was always the complete outcast of my family. I had my ways and they had theirs. I did what I pleased - mostly to their dismay. They grew used to it. I even ran away when I was 17. Somehow they found me, were planning to disown me, (not that I would have minded) when my Uncle Enyos came to my rescue.
Oh, good old Uncle Enyos. He died coming to tell me that Angel didn't suffer enough. I don't even think any of them even knew he was my uncle - although I'm sure at that point I could have died and they wouldn't even have batted an eye.
Well, maybe that's a little harsh. Snyder wouldn't have anyone to blame for the computer network shutting down. Bitter, I know, but it's how I felt...
I finally got home, being overwhelmed with my thoughts. I walked into my dark and empty apartment - not even a cat to keep me company. Maybe I should get one of those - at least maybe it would listen to me.
I turned on the light on the table by my couch and knocked over a pile of papers. I silently cursed to myself and went to pick them up when I noticed a book I had borrowed - one he had said was his father's. I left the papers on the floor and picked it up. I sat on the couch, leafing through it, the musty old book smell filling the air. That's when it finally hit me.
The words got blurry and I couldn't stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks, hitting the pages, staining them. I tried frantically to wipe them away, but there were just too many coming too quickly. I closed the book and held it close to me...I figured maybe it was the only thing I had left. I had destroyed the one good thing I had in my life. The one bit of stability I had left and I blew it. Sure, he hadn't been honest with me right from the start, but at least when he was I could have confessed to my betrayal. Maybe that's what had hurt him so badly. He had to admit to things he never wanted to - and it was the same thing for me.
I had been Jenny Calendar for so long I almost forgot who I really was until Uncle Enyos showed up. I had been the person I had always wanted to be - there were complications, sure, but I didn't feel so tied down. So forced into something I didn't want to be.
Personally I never would have pictured myself falling in love with someone like Rupert Giles. He was so stubborn... and, my God the tweed - but I had managed to see past all that. He fit the saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" perfectly. He was probably the kindest and most caring person I had ever met. And he actually trusted me. Someone actually cared for me and worried about me and with my lie I ruined it all.
He really didn't know me at all. He probably thought he did up until a couple weeks ago, and I had never been able to explain myself. Partially because I was too afraid to even try, partially because I knew he probably wouldn't even listen.
I hated myself for hurting him the way I did. He didn't deserve that. Believe me, if I had a time machine I would go back and redo everything. But the damage had been done and I would have to deal with the consequences of that.
And still I didn't understand it all. After everything we had been through together, how he could just forget me like that. Refuse to talk to me, to listen to what I had to say. That hurt me probably as much as I had hurt myself. Yet even after all the pain and all of the hurt I still loved him. I wasn't ready to give up on what we had, even if it took years to repair.
I guess I don't really remember going to sleep that night, but someone knocking on my door woke me around 9:45. I got up off the couch, not having any idea who would possibly want to see me - especially at this time. I took a quick glance in the mirror and confirming my suspicions that I looked absolutely horrible I went to answer the door.
"Rupert." He was standing there, hands in his pockets as usual. His eyes were downcast and you could tell it had been extraordinarily hard for him to come.
"Uh - maybe I should come back another time..." He turned to leave, but now that he was here, I wasn't going to let him leave til I got to say something. I stepped outside the doorway and into his path.
"No. We need to talk." He looked at me, concerned.
"What's wrong? Have you been crying?" He reached out, as though to touch me, but pulled back. I looked away awkwardly.
"Don't worry about it. Come inside." I stepped back through the doorway. To my relief, he followed and closed the door. "Have a seat." I gestured to the couch and picked the book up from where I had put it down when he knocked. "I found this before." He took it from me, looked it over, smiled a little. Maybe that was a good sign. I sat on the edge of the coffee table.
"I had forgotten...That I lent it to you..." He skimmed through it, almost to make sure I hadn't damaged it in any way. I supposed to he had every right...
"So - what made you show up here?" I asked, afraid of what he might say.
"Uh - Willow, actually. She said she saw you standing outside of my car today..." Damn. I was so hoping no one had seen that.
"Oh."
"So I supposed I was wondering why..." He kept his eyes focused on the now closed book, but you could tell that he wanted to look up.
"I don't know why." Yeah, that was a great answer. Probably on the top ten worst excuses list. What was I supposed to say? That I missed him so much that I had to be near his car so I could almost feel like he was there? Now how pathetic would that have sounded?
"You don't know why?" I couldn't tell if he was seriously asking that or if it was a rhetorical question. I could do nothing but shake my head, he sighed heavily.
"What?"
"I...well... I've wanted to come here...to see you...to talk to you..." I could tell he was having a hard time talking to me.
"Me too. Look, Rupert, if there was any way I could change what happened - "
"You would. I know. But you - "
"Can't. Exactly. But I would like a chance to explain myself to you..." I looked at him, attempting to make some form of eye contact. He still refused.
"I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I'm not sure I'll ever be." My heart sunk. He was here to basically tell me he never wanted to see me again. Not exactly what I was hoping for. "Maybe in a little while - a few months, maybe..." He stood up off the couch, ready to leave. I did all I possibly could to keep from breaking down in front of him. "I should probably go..." He went to leave, I stood up.
"Please - " My voice just came out in a cracked sob, just as I had tried to avoid. He stopped walking but didn't turn around. "Rupert - I don't think I can do this much longer..." I could barely speak at this point, and I collapsed onto the couch, burying my head in my hands. I knew he had come back in when the door closed. He sat down on the edge of the table and put his hand on my shoulder.
"Jenny?" His voice was filled with so much pain and worry it made me cry even harder. I had caused that. I inhaled deeply and ran my hands through my hair, he reached over and wiped away my tears. I wanted to smile - in that one gesture he had given me so much hope. And he was actually looking at me now - concern filling his eyes.
"Rupert - I...I don't even know where to start..."
"It's all right...You don't have to..." He was trying to calm me down, but with each word he said, it only made it worse. I could tell he didn't know how to deal with me right now - normally I was the strong one. I never fell apart like this...he had every reason to be concerned. I had to make a choice now…whether we dealt with this tonight or at another time. I wanted to face things now, get them over with. He didn't. He wanted to leave…he probably had more important things to deal with. And because by pure chance Willow had seen me by his car, he thought I was stalking him or something. Well, I don't necessarily know if he thought that… I regained my composure for an instant.
"You can leave…it's all right. You're right. We'll…uhhh…we'll talk another time." I stood up and away from him, walking to the corner of the room, back facing him. It was easier to tell him to leave that way.
"Jenny, I'm not going to leave you like this…" I could almost feel him walking towards me, and I refused to turn around until I could see his shadow in the place of where light had been. I turned around, startled to find him standing as close as he was, and he looked down at me. "Please, we'll talk…" Now Rupert Giles was a hard man to read…I couldn't really tell if he was being sincere or he just didn't want me to completely lose my mind. But I couldn't really picture him staying for selfish reasons, so I pointed to the couch.
"Let's…uhhh… sit back down…" I walked slowly over, taking my seat carefully, he did the same. Both of us were silent until he was brave enough to speak first.
"We need to start somewhere…" He began, and I knew he wanted me to begin. I sighed heavily, nodding in agreement.
"Yeah…" I looked at him, suddenly angry with myself. "You know, I'm sick of dancing around this." I stated flatly, he was surprised by sudden change in tone. "I was stupid. I was wrong. I lied, and I should have told you. But I didn't." I leaned back on the couch, waiting for him to reply.
"You did. We both did. One would think that would cancel things out…" But he had that tone in his voice… that "but it doesn't" thing going. And I knew that it didn't…I couldn't pretend it did. We both hurt each other in such different ways, you couldn't even compare the two.
"But they don't. I know that. Look, Rupert… you… you may think that you know me… but you really have no idea…" Ugh…I hated when he got that puppy look in his eyes.
"You never really gave me the chance, now, did you?" His voice was barely a whisper, and it made it harder for me to continue.
"No, I didn't. You know so little about me…but what you do know? That's all real. That's who I am… but you don't know anything about my past, who my family is, what my purpose in life is… " Why did I suddenly get a feeling that this was going to turn into something bigger than I wanted it to become?
"That's right…I don't even know your name, do I?" Ooh…that was bitter. But I deserved it, but couldn't look at him in the eye.
"Rupert, I don't even know who I am anymore… I've defied my family, and am not the person who everyone here thinks I am. So we're both in the same position here."
"So why don't you tell me? Tell me about your family, and your past, what led you here, why you lied to me for all those months? Why won't you tell me?" His voice was harsher than I had ever heard him use, full of both pain and anger. I didn't particularly like it, but as before, I managed to deal with it.
"Because you wouldn't understand. You don't come from the same line… my family… it's hard to understand them. Yes, you had your sacred duty that you had to fulfill, and you did it. You became a watcher and that's what you were destined to be. What was I destined to do? I was destined to watch over a vampire, who over 200 years ago my elders cursed because he killed one of the most prized members of my clan… I was supposed to make sure that he had no happiness… but how was I supposed to do that when I became so close to all of you? To you? I couldn't tell you then…I was trying to back out of it, to get someone else… I hoped to never have to tell you, or if I did…that it wouldn't be under the circumstances that it came out in. And I'm sorry for that, but I just didn't think you'd understand…"
"You're right. I really can't understand. Because I know nothing about having to keep my identity a secret…I know nothing about rebelling against my family, about wanting to forget about my destiny and to try to have a normal life. I know nothing about that." And then I realized…we had a lot more in common than I had originally thought. His past and mine were both so similar…but I was just too blind to see that. And as the realization dawned on me, he stood up out of his seat, refusing to look at me. "I've got to go…" He said, then turned to walk out the door.
"Rupert…"
"I don't want to hear anymore…" He put up his hand, as if to stop me from speaking anymore. And I tried, to say something, anything to get him to not leave…but I couldn't find my voice. He walked out the door, and I broke down again. The damage had been done… and I wasn't sure then if I would ever be able to repair it. God, I could be so stupid sometimes! It was one of my worst traits… I was just too talented at ruining a good thing. Did I still love him? Yeah. Of course I did. But it would just take some time for me to fix it…if I ever could.
*Take this common thread
Pull it from my dress
If you're gonna take my life
Take my thoughts
And take my head
Cuz I've been pretending
Too long anyway
If you'd just break my heart now
That's all I'd have to go through today
So you think you have my soul
But all you have is an empty book
The pages were torn from the binding so long ago
Even before you
Cuz I've been pretending
Too long anyway
If you'd just break my heart now
That's all I'd have to go through today
Do what you know to be right
And if that means you go
You leave tonight
Wish you could've seen my face
When you turned around
I've been pretending too long
I couldn't say
If I still love you
After today
If I still love you
Anyway
The End
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