by, T.C. Healy
Email: tc_healy@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: Nope, don’t own ‘em...wish I did. All hail Joss Whedon and
Mutant Enemy! Oh, yeah...don’t forget the WB and Fox Television. ;)
DISTRIBUTION: At Sunnydale Guide/Hyperion
https://www.angelfire.com/tv2/sgtvs_hyperion All others only have to ask.
Like I would say no....
SPOILERS: Through “Billy”...three days after the episode. Mucho Angst
here, folks. And a happy ending...well, kinda.
Wesley’s POV
RATING: PG-14
FEEDBACK: Oh surely.
I wish I could take it back.
Take it all back. What I said. What I did. The whole bloody night, in
fact.
I told her I would come back to work; try to get back to a normal existence.
That was three days ago and I’m still sitting here in my flat, staring out
the same window, trying to come to terms with the monster I became and
knowing I never will.
She said it wasn’t my fault. She told me I was under the influence of
Billy, but I know better. Every syllable I uttered, every strike of my fist
was me, or rather the part of me I never wanted to face. It was the part
created by my father and nurtured by my mother. It was a part that festered
deep within me, just waiting for the right moment to surface.
And thanks to Billy, it did.
Damn him, and damn me for allowing this evil to come out. Because of it, I
hurt the one person that I...
Oh God, Fred.
How could she forgive me? How could she say I was a good man after what I
did to her? Every day she calls, wondering how I am, and begging me to come
into work. But how can I come back and face her when I can’t even face
myself?
I feel so humiliated, so...dirty. I always believed I would never be like
my father; never be as cruel or hard as he has been. But after that night,
I don’t know anymore. I don’t know who I am, but I’m certain I know what
I’m capable of.
The horrible things I said to Fred; the vicious strikes on her beautiful
skin, that was straight from the past, in bold and vivid color. I can still
see the terror in her eyes and hear the tremor in her voice as she pleaded
with me to stop. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. The beast within me would not
have ceased if it were not for her strength.
And yet, she still calls. I betray her trust, nearly murder her and she’s
still worries about me. When I called her a remarkable woman, I was clearly
understating her gifts. At first I thought it was her intellect and
innocence that was so attractive. But after that night, I now know it’s her
ability to forgive that makes Fred such a wonderful woman. After everything
I did to her, she forgives me and trusts me.
I only wish I deserved her trust and forgiveness.
There is a knock at the door. I know who it is before I even answer it.
Fred is standing there, doe eyed and dressed the same way she was the first
time she stopped by. Even after almost a week, I still find it hard to look
at her. This time, instead of standing outside in the hallway, she comes
in. God, I wish she didn’t do that. I hear myself pouring out apologies
like a picture filled with water. I feel as though I can’t quite apologize
enough for what I did. No matter what I say, it can never take back what
happened.
But she smiles and graciously accepts each and every apology as she had for
the past week. She then reminds me, once again, that it wasn’t my fault and
that I really needed to return to work. In my heart I know she’s right. I
know I should be able to overcome this. But every time I look at her, I’m
reminded that deep down I’m no better than the monsters I fight.
Fred doesn’t see that, though. She still sees the good man she’s trying so
hard to convince me, exists. For the first time since that night, we talk.
Really talk. At first she keeps to a “safe” subject, telling me about work
and how Cordelia and the others are doing. But soon our conversation turns
back to that night. I really wish it didn’t. My heart aches whenever I
remember that night.
I can feel the lump in my throat grow, as she talks. She tells me about how
she felt that night, and every night after. She admits she found it
difficult to talk to me after the fact. Part of her was still afraid and
hurt over the things I said and did, but that part was disappearing little
by little every day. She then asks me how I feel.
I just sit there in silence, afraid my words would betray my sorrow and
shame. But my silence gives away my feelings better than words ever could.
Silence that stretches like a great chasm, keeping us forever separated.
Fred stands up, walks over to me and proceeds in sitting by my side. Any
other day I would have welcomed her closeness. Before that night, I would
have given anything to be able to smell her perfume or touch her silky skin.
Tonight however, I have the overwhelming urge to flee; escape to the
safety of loneliness. I don’t...and she remains by my side.
Then she does something completely unexpected. She places her head on my
chest and takes my hand in hers, telling me that no matter what I believe,
she still knows I’m a good man. And there, in her arms, I cry. My tears
spill down my cheeks, releasing the pain and sorrow I carried like a badge
all my life. She holds me, comforting me with her soft voice and her kind
words.
I know I can’t take it back. I can’t change what happened that night. But
perhaps, with her help and kindness, I can start over.
The End
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