Author: Emily
E-mail: DoylesPrincess@aol.com
Disclaimer: All characters sadly belong to Joss. Please don't sue! I'm a poor college student whose only job is volunteer work! I have no money! :-(
Spoilers: Season 4 of BtVS, and my story "I Never Thought I'd Die Alone". Without that, you'll probably be pretty much lost.
Rating: If you watch the show, you can read this.
Distribution: My site, anyone else, ask.
Feedback: It gives me happies!
Notes: I've been trying to write a sequel to "I Never Thought I'd Die Alone" for months... the right inspiration didn't hit me until now.
Dedication: To everyone at Elmwood, because you've all kept me going through some very hard times in the past few months, and give me a reason to get up in the morning. God only knows where I'd be without you...
"I believe you don't know what you've got until you say good-bye..."
-Savage Garden, "Affirmation"
I don't know what made me come here. One minute I had been in my room, working on my psychology paper - the next, I was filled with a sudden feeling of panic.
Xander.
I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew something was wrong. I began to re-evaluate the past few weeks, and realized something - I couldn't remember the last time I had seen him. It had to have been at least three weeks, if not four. The demon activity hadn't been too bad - Buffy had been able to handle it on her own. And I guess I had just gotten so caught up in school and Oz that I really hadn't gone to see him, or even picked up a phone and called him.
I made it to his house in 20 minutes, and had tried knocking on his door a few times. There was no answer. I almost turned around, assuming that he wasn't home. Something stopped me, and I reached for the doorknob. It opened easily as I turned it.
"Xander?" I called for him, quietly the first time. When there was yet again no answer, I let myself inside.
I wasn't prepared for the sight that awaited me at the bottom of the stairs. I could barely hear myself scream his name as the room became a blur - his body, lying still on his bed... his eyes wide open... the blood that turned the white sheets red...
I was afraid to go near him, but something made me go to him. I leaned over him, staring straight into his eyes. Tears streamed out of my own eyes, spilling onto his face. I lost count of how many times I said his name, sobbing into his shoulder, and praying to anyone who would listen to bring him back to me.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was die... I didn't want him to go alone... We had done everything together our entire lives, and I couldn't picture living my own life without him in it.
I don't know how long it was until someone found us down there. The paramedics came and put him into a body bag, zipping it closed so I wouldn't have to look at him anymore.
Buffy and Giles were there soon after, and Buffy was crying - and it even looked like Giles had, but not in front of us. He was and always would try and be strong for us.
That night, everytime I closed my eyes all I could picture was him on his bed...so still... looking past me with that dead look in his eyes...
When I did manage to sleep, all I did was dream about him. My dreams went back to when we were in kindergarten, and the first day I met him. How he was the only person that was nice to me, and willing to be my friend. And how many times he had saved me from the cruelty of Cordelia.
Then I dreamed about Jesse. He had entered our lives soon after, and the three of us never left each other's sides... They were both gone now, and I was the only one left of our group...
I dreamed about Buffy coming to Sunnydale, and how that managed to change our friendship forever. I was so jealous of her, because suddenly there was a new girl in Xander's life... and he stopped paying attention to me.
Lastly, there was the fluke. Since that happened, nightmares have plagued my head so many times... always the same. We were always back in that warehouse, and I always had to see the expression on Oz's face, his heart breaking... And it almost costing Cordelia her life...
And everytime I have that dream, I always wonder afterwards what would have happened if I had gone after Xander sooner, if Oz had never entered my life...if only I had told Xander how I felt sooner - what would he have said to me? It's too late for that now, I guess I'll never know...
I called Cordelia early the next morning, trying to explain what had happened to her. I told her the funeral was tomorrow, and she said she'd be there later that night. I didn't realize how hard it would be to call her and tell her what had happened. Maybe because the truth was settling in, and it was becoming more of a reality...
Xander's mother wants me to speak at his funeral. I guess I kind of owe it to him... I owe him that much at least. But there's something inside of me that doesn't want to let go yet, and my speaking would be a form of a good-bye. I'm not ready for that yet... Not right away... And I never thought I'd ever have to say that to him... Not so soon...
**********
Cordelia got here late last night, Angel and her friend Doyle with her. She didn't say much - which was strange for her. Cordelia Chase shall never cease to amaze me...
"Would anyone care to say a few words about Alexander?" The words hit me hard - I had been debating over the very moment for 24 hours. The minister looked as though he were going to continue when I stood up from my seat. He nodded his head at me, and backed away from the podium. Buffy squeezed my hand as a form of encouragement, and I began to go up there.
I walked past his casket and made my way to the front, and looked out at the people who had come to say good-bye.
It was mostly friends. His father wasn't there, but his mother was, along with his Uncle Rory and a couple scattered relatives whose names escaped me. I took a deep breath, and tried not to look at the casket as I spoke. I couldn't believe that Xander...my Xander was in there, ready to be put into the ground forever... thinking about it made it worse...
"Hello...uhhh...I'm not really sure where to begin...there's so much to say, but no place to start..." I paused, another wave of tears hitting me. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go on.
"Xander...was a remarkable person. A friend. My best friend..." Tears streamed down my face...with the amount I had cried in the past couple of days, I didn't think that I had any left.
"I'm sorry...I don't think..." I stepped back from the podium and I saw Buffy stand up, and she began to head towards me. I had to do this. I shook my head at her, letting her know that it was okay to sit back down. I saw her hesitate, but Giles took her by the arm and she sat again.
"One of Xander's greatest traits was that he could always make me laugh. He always knew what to say to me when I was upset... anything could have happened that day and he just knew how to make it better. He'd show up with some chessy 80's movie, microwavable popcorn, and about 4 cartons of ice cream. He didn't always know when to be serious, but I guess it was just a defense mechanism of his..." I looked straight to his mother as I spoke, because part of me blamed her for this. If she had only stood up to his father, maybe he would have had a better life. Maybe he would have been able to turn to his parents for help.
"We told each other everything. Our deepest, darkest secrets that no one else knew... A few years ago, he stopped that... He told me that everything was okay, and not to worry about him... Part of me wanted to believe that... I guess I should have been a better friend to him, asked him more... been there more for him... as he was for me..."
"I'm glad that I have so many wonderful memories of him. Of course, with the good always comes the bad - but we always made it through. We'd help each other through it. Without him, I don't know what I'm going to do... Without him, I don't feel like me anymore... I feel like a large part of me is missing, and it's so hard to think of him not being here..."
"I regret not seeing him in the past few weeks. After a life-long friendship, I shouldn't have let anything interfere with that - and I did. I can't take that back now. It was a time that he needed me the most, and I wasn't there for him. Xander, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." I could hear my voice cracking, but I had to continue.
"I guess that old saying 'you never know what you've got until it's gone' fits in here. I never realized how much I took for granted his being here... how I could always depend on him to be there for me... as a best friend should be... as I wasn't for him..."
"I live in a place that you should see that the last time you say good-bye to someone could really be good-bye forever... But I don't want to say it. I'm not ready yet. So Xander, wherever you are... You were my best friend... I loved you more than anyone I ever have in my life... and probably ever will in my lifetime. I can't say good-bye to you here. It's too final. I just have to believe...that someday... I'll see you again. Whether that's tomorrow or 75 years from now, fate's got to run it's course... We know that better than anyone... I love you, Xander, and I'll see you soon..." Buffy was there to meet me when I stepped away from the podium, and I fell into her arms, sobbing as though I'd never stop. I don't think I'd ever cried so much in my lifetime all combined...
I went home right afterwards, I couldn't watch them lower him into the ground... and I couldn't be around his family, pretending as though they really cared...
They say that in time, all wounds heal. They never go away, but they heal some. From this point, I can't possibly see how that's true. Thinking of a life without Xander is like thinking of a life without air, being able to breathe.
***********
Buffy and Giles have helped me a lot. Almost a year later, I've finally learned how to smile again. But it doesn't make the pain go away.
I don't know why he gave up like that, and there are days when I'm so angry with him for not asking for help... for letting me in... I don't know why he felt like he couldn't come to me, he had always been able to before...
We had this game when we were little, when Xander's father was on one of his drinking binges. We'd pretend we were somewhere else - anywhere but there.
I still close my eyes, and pretend that he's here with me. Making me laugh again - what I'd only give to hear him laugh, to see his smile...
It had taken me a year to get a small part of my life back, but there was still one thing that I had to do before I could work on getting the rest of it back...
I sat on his grave, inhaling the fall air. It was always so quiet in the cemetary during the day. I close my eyes, trying to imagine myself in a better place...
We're sitting in front of the TV, popcorn and two containers of ice cream sitting in front of us. He's laughing at whatever movie he's chosen for the evening, and I stand up. His eyes don't move off of the screen. I lean over and kiss his forehead.
"Good-bye, Xander..." He grabs my hand, looking up at me, still smiling. After a minute, I let go.
When I open my eyes again, I'm back in the cemetary. A smile stretches slowly across my face. I stand up from the grave and kiss the top of the headstone and back away from it.
"Good-bye..."
The End...
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