AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: At the end of the 2000-2001 school year, Xander makes a decision,
as does Cordelia, and it effects stuff.
SPOILER: THIS TOUCHES ON A SPOILER THAT COULD BE TRUE FOR THE END OF S2
ANGEL!!! If you haven't read stuff and want to know nothing that may or may
not happen, ignore this fanfic. And write me emails begging for current
stuff 'cause I need the love.
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my
name in print =)
FEEDBACK: I'm missing it like candy.
RATING: TV-PG. I think
DISCLAIMER: Except for Ilana, who is introduced in another fic and for now
that's all you need to know, I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does.
*I* should have custody of them though, not him, because all he does is abuse
them and it's unfair and they hate him for it. Bonnie Raitt owns the song
throughout.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic goes back and forth between Xander, Anya's and
Cordy's POVs, as you'll be able to tell.
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close
Don't patronize
"So you got invited to her wedding?" Anya asked. "That's pretty....well,
that's something I would do."
I had to smile at her. It was the innocent way she said it, with so much
brutal honesty that you almost had to laugh. It was pure Anya.
"So are you gonna open it?" she asked. "Just rip the damned envelope and
get it over with."
I fingered the white embossed paper in my hands and knew she was right,
knew that I should open it and send a reply card that I wasn't going to
attend, but I didn't. Instead, I set it on the floor and shrugged.
"Nah, I'll worry about it later. Let's go get something to eat? Are you
hungry? How's Chinese sound?"
Anya was quiet for a second, but finally she got up and kissed my
shoulder before I put a shirt on. "All right. I could eat egg rolls."
"Cool. Come on." We left, and I did my best not to think about the
invitation on the floor by my bed, and the woman who'd sent it to me just to
push the knife deeper into my back.
***********
"This one?" Helga asked.
I barely had to glance at the dress to know it was wrong. "No, something
sexier."
"Yes, miss. Be right back."
The sales girl went into the back room of the shop and I started eyeing
the special order gowns in the catalog. They were beautiful, all what I
thought I might want. I'd looked at three or four sections of gowns I might
want when I found the one I did want.
It was tea length, white organza silk with hand-beaded detailing and
Australian crystal straps. It was available strapless as well, and there
were matching beaded shoes.
It was me.
But it wasn't Danny. Not even a little bit.
Not that what he wants matters much to me. What I want doesn't matter to
him, that much is obvious. Just because the guy is heading up one of the
world's biggest Internet companies doesn't mean he has to stay in the US. I
couldn't care less if they deport him.
Then I think about the three million dollars he's promising me, and I
start to rethink my decision.
"How's this one, miss?" Helga asked, holding up a short, flirty gown that
was all wrong. It was just completely wrong for me.
But Danny would love it.
"Yes, that's it," I said solemnly.
"Miss, if you don't mind my saying so--"
"What I mind is that you seem to lack the brain cells to ask me my first
name. It's Cordelia."
"All right, Cordelia, I think a wedding dress should be something you
beam over. It should be the most important purchase of your life."
I sighed. She was right. She really was.
"Okay, then I'd like to order this dress," I pointed to the one in the
book, smiling.
She smiled back. "Very good choice mi--Cordelia. Let's just go in the
back and take some measurements, then we can get it all into the computer."
**********
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark
In these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't
No you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
After we went out for Chinese food, Xander took me to a late movie, then
out for ice cream. I don't know if he really wanted to avoid going home, or
if he just wanted to be out, it was hard to tell. We came home and made
love, as usual, and then he fell asleep beside me, snoring with his mouth
open.
I've been lying here for hours thinking about him, and us. Something's
not right, and I can't figure out how I can or can't fix it. I don't know if
I want to fix it.
I just wish he would open up that damned invitation so I'd know if that's
really the problem. 'Cause my heart says that it's not, but my head says
that it couldn't be anything else.
I just wish I knew.
***********
"You're really not going?" Buffy asked, closing the back of her SUV with
her foot so she could hang onto Ilana, who was squirming in her mother's arms.
"I'm really not going."
"Xander," Willow said softly, "It would be good for you to see her. It
might give you some--"
"Closure?" I asked. "This isn't an episode of FRIENDS, Will. What I
need is to stop......to stop worrying about whether or not the guy deserves
her. Cordy's a big girl. I'm sure she's fine." I quickly hugged Buffy and
Willow, shook hands with Giles and kissed Ilana's forehead.
"Don't came back with a tattoo, okay?" I teased her.
"Don't give her any ideas. She's already taken to drawing on her arms
with magic markers." Buffy laughed. "Call us, okay?"
"Yeah." I waved and watched them drive away. Then I walked back home and
found Anya waiting on the bed.
Naked.
"Welcome home," she smiled. "Wanna see what I bought at the mall today?"
Before I could answer, she dangled a pair of handcuffs in front of me.
"Let's play."
***********
I'll close my eyes
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me
Xander cuffed me to the bed and we had sex. There was no love there at
all. And that was when it hit me.
Around four a.m., I finally started poking him with the key to the
handcuffs, which were now around his wrists, until he woke up.
"Wha? Wha?"
"You don't love me, do you?" I asked.
***********
Morning will come
And I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
"And then, after we say 'I do' and you kiss me, we'll--"
"Danny, stop." I rubbed my temples to try and ease the throbbing in my
head. "It's late. I'm tired. Can't we finish this tomorrow?"
"No! The wedding is tomorrow."
"But I--"
"Cordelia...."
I shut up and let him babble on until he fell asleep. And then I
realized I couldn't stay.
As soon as the ceremony ends, I'm outta here.
And I'm going home to Sunnydale. For good.
**********
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark
In these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't
No you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me
If you don't
"What?" I asked, suddenly wide awake. I stared at Anya, who'd pulled one
of my Cowboys ROCK tee shirts on.
"You don't love me." it was a statement, and she seemed to be convincing
herself of this as she said it.
"Anya--"
"I know you don't." she took Cordelia's wedding invitation out of its
"safe place" under the top sheet of my bed and handed it to me. "Go. You
know you want to."
"But--"
"No buts. I'll be moved out when you get back."
I leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now get out of here so I can cry my eyes out and throw
out your clothes."
"I just need one thing from you first."
"What?"
I held out my hands. "Uncuff me?"
**********
The wedding was set up just how Danny wanted. A big, floral, outdoorsy
thing.
And from the moment Wesley started to walk me down the aisle, I knew he
hated my dress. Why should I care what he thinks? Just because he's paying
for it, he should set all the stipulations for our green card marriage? I
don't think so.
"Dearly beloved," the clergy began. "We are--"
"Wait!"
I glanced at the floral-decorated entrance to the red carpet that
should've been white and there he was.
His hair was wet, as if he'd gotten caught in the rain we'd had this
morning, and his shoes were muddy.
I'd never seen him look hotter.
"I'm sorry, Danny." I handed Aura, my maid of honor, the bouquet and
dashed over to Xander. We kissed and I felt the world around us disappear.
I felt whole again.
"Excuse me!" Danny screamed. "Is there gonna be a wedding here today, or
not?"
"Yes," Xander said. "There is."
"Xander!" I glared at him. Then he got down on one knee.
"Cordelia Chase, will you marry me?" he held open a velvet box with a
beautiful amethyst and diamond ring inside.
"Duh!" I shouted, laughing. We kissed and he put the ring on my finger
and we kissed some more. Then he walked me down the aisle and, after Danny
threw a tantrum and ran out, the minister married us.
It was absolutely perfect.
I got my dream wedding after all.
The End
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