When you hear me speak of it you will think me mad. You will think me crazy and dimented. You will wonder how an intellegent man, still in his youth could have made such a choice. I have made a choice. My decision, my reason and my explination with unfurl as you read this document. I will be so bold as to ask you a favor, read with open eyes, do not jam them shut and grope blindly through my writtings. Do not close your head and go deaf to my reasoning. I have made my decision, and it effects many many people aside from myself and aside from she. Read carefully, read in between the lines, read what I did not write and what I erased. You must take my literal meaning and twist it and strighten it out. You must find out what I really mean and why I cannot see things as I should. Only when you have finished living my life will you realize my delemma. It exsists and you will know it as I do.
I madly dreampt day after day, night night, insitution by blessed insitution. NO, they were not mental insistutions, they were places to sit. Places to lay down and fall asleep. They were places to keep my dry and give me food. They were not places to live in. I never told anyone of my desire for flight, nor of my want to be rid of that desire to fly. It was not hard to keep a secret in those places, because no body ever cared enough to listen to anything I had to say. Yes, I could talk to myself, and I did, I could have been my own best friend. However, I was not, I am not so easy to get long with, but I can be toerated.
I left those places at the age of fifteen, when I found a job in a florist shop. I received food and shelter for my services and a small wage with which to keep myself busy on the weekends. I didn't go to see any movies, and I didn't buy hats nor many clothes. I saved almost ever cent I earned because I knew that I would need it one day. When I stared down at a dolar bill I didn't see a candy bar, but myself a year from now, not having enough money to pay the rent. I kept ever cent I earned because I knew that I would need it someday. I liked to buy books when I would allow myself to spend money. I read all the books I got within the week that I bought them and then I would read them again. Sometimes my friend Motoki would lend me books from his house, or even give them to me. And what I loved, and still love about Motoki, he did not give the books to the poor, ignorant orphan who had nothing, he gave them to me, his best friend and his equal. He has never pittied me and we are brothers.
I never minded working in the florist shop. It was not hard work and I became friends with my boss and his family. My duties were not hard. I watered the herbs every day and I gave the mist to the delecate tropical plants, American H2O was never quite could enough for them and if they had water in it's liquid form and not mist they would have died. I spent almost my entire day in the large green house feeling as though I might be in the rain forest, or whatever a rainforest felt like. I trimmed the big plants and seeded the vacant soil so that the new plants could grow and the old plants could survive in my rainforest until a home could be provided. Many times the older plants were passed over by the customers, the new ones were bought and taen home. No one ever wanted to take me home with them. Perhaps this was because of my dirty baseball shirt or my often uncomed hair. It did not take me long to realize that I could not be taken home with someone else so easily anyway. I was an adult and it was too late for me. I had been on my own since my parents had died and I never wished to belong to someone ever again. That was the day that I shook the man's hand that had been so kind to me and left his house. I took the old plant because no one else wanted it except for me, plus, it did not belong with anyone else but me. I tried to buy it but the man ended up giving it to me, wishing me best of luck.
When I left that place I decided that it was the silken roses that I would miss the most. I had spent the last couple of years caring for them and watching them. Roses are beautiful to look at and to watch. Now I know that there is beaty and kindness in all people, but then it was my firm belief that every seeming rose had a thousand or so thornes, and if they could prick you, they would. As much as a loved to gaze upon the roses, I did not touch them much. I bought a package of rose seeds that day to, but I never intened to plant them.
When I was seventeen I began to receive a steady flow of money from my parents' estate. With this and what I was able to earn from my job as a short oder cook, I rented one room appartment (unfurnished of course). I never bothered much about cooking, I couldn't count myself either good at it or bad at it because I had never had a chance to try it. And so, knowing myself a fast learner I may have fibbed a little in my application. Alright, so I handed them a big fat lie, but today I find myself all th better for it. My first two weeks were hell. My boss was the worst kind of perfecionest, a consistant one and everything had to be perfect. I screwed up a lot, I'll admitt. I messed up orders but more importantly I couldn't figure out how to manipulate this cooking thing to my advantage, there were no short cuts to be found anywhere. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not like that, I don't mind short cuts through life now and then, but I do not build my life ariund them. After about a month of nearly being fired, I began to get the hang of it. I started to relaize, or maybe I finished realizing that I needed to do this, it wasn't a choice I could make. I needed this job, so I did what I had to do, I cooked. I cooked and I baked and I deep fried. And at the end of every week I got paid.
One night I was at that gas station, fishing around in my wallet for two damn cents because I could never managed to unclentch the gas gun at exactly four dollars. There was a man beside me, still pumping gas into his black car, I still, do this day cannot figure out what kind of a car it was. Just a car I guess. He had long white hair, I guess I will tell you that it shimmered at the risk of sounding like a shampoo salesman. It shimmered and his eyes twinkled as well finding great relief in something. I reasoned that he saw me searching through my beat up leather wallet, cursing under my breath. He them spoke to me. He politly said excuse me and lifted his hand in greeting. I returned his greeting and closed my wallet, resolving to give the cashier an extra whole dolar. I wonder if I have to tell you how that annoied me. How much it perterbed me that I knew something was there, but I could not grasp it.
The man's name was Art, he offered to take me out to coffee right there at the damn gas satation. Being a free man and being thirsty, I agreed. We went to a diner for coffee, someplace that I had never been in before, but I had viewed it from outside. We ordered, and we struck up a conversation about something or another, I cannot remember now. I do remember though, how at ease I felt in the company of Art, I trusted hin fully within the first hour were together. Perhaps it made what he was about to tell me, a little more easy to swallow.
I have quite a past, and a future too, so I am told. I will try to explain myself. Art sipped his coffee and told me that I am a prince from another millenium. I know every girl out there in her prom dress wishes and wants with all her heart to be a princess. That is not the way I saw this news. I asked the man if he was fucking crazy? Those were my exact words. He smiled and shook his head, no. He was not crazy, he was a guardian, the closet thing I had to a guardian he told me plainly. When Art said that he was a guardian, I knew he had made a mistake in coming to me. I did not need a guardian. I destory people who try to protect me, so I must be alone. You empathize with me but you think I am a sad person. What I say is the firm truth. The only way for me to live is by myself.
I must confess that although I sometimes wished to believe Art, I was a long way from it. He seemed like a very decent man, I mean he was a nice guy, he deserved to be believed. It is a sad truth that in this life...people do not get what they diserve. I saw him at least once a day now, usually on the street. One thing would lead to another, we would get to talking and he'd treat me to dinner. I was tight money wise, I will admit that openly, but I was never rude. Everyday I would try my damndest to pick up that damn check, but everyday I would fail.
It was then that I believed him. Art came to my house and told me that he had another story to tell me. For the past month or so, when we would go out for dinner, he would tell me these wild stories. He had said they were stories of me, my past self-Prince Endymion. I took them in stride and enjoyed hearing them. They were really interesting stories. But I never believed them, not a one.
At the age of eighteen, I was begining to feel comfortable in my life. I should have realized the danger in this sooner than later. I went to work, filled orders, got in my car and drove to the gas station, barely making it everyday. My car was no giant gas consumer but I still only managed to keep the tank a third full at any given time. I guess this is entirely my fault since I could never allow myself to dish out anymore cash than a few bucks on anything I felt I could literally live without. I figured that if I ran out of gas money, or my car broke down, I would simply buy a bike. There was still something down inside of myself that did not trust me. Not with money, not with anything else. I pay for the misttrust ever day of my life, and I proabably always will.
After about a month or so of these daily conversations Artemis asked to have an audiance with me, at my home. I was a little reluctant at first but, for the most part I was veyr comfortable around the man. So I said sure, why not?
There was one problem concerning my resolution; there was something about his frankness that truly made me want to believe him. Something very true about his mysterious eyes fixating on me in a deathly serious way.
That evening Art appeared at my apartment absolutely drenched. Naturally, I invited him in and offered him some coffee and some dry clothes, both, which he declined. Actually, I can't say that Art declined anything per say, he just did not except anything, he did not say a word. Believe it reader because it can never be anything but true...
Then Art's fingernail sharpened into a metal point and he did something that only he would ever do. As I was still trying to grasp his finger magic he slit his wrist. The cut itself was no more than an inch wide but blood poured quickly from it. His face was a calm as it had always been. I suppose that it was a good balance for mine.
Frightened into action I seized his arm, now my palms were wet with blood. A slimy and sickening feeling that I would be getting used to in years to come. However, one this day I was not friendly with the redness, the feeling of death when it is close to you. I was frantic, cursing and shouting at the man. Why had he done it? As I clung to his damaged arm he out a reassuring hand over mine and made me shut up and face him. "Endymion, look at Me." he said staring easily into me, I must have been terribly transparent (it would not happen again). He repeated the command several times as I remember it, until I stiffly obeyed. His face was free of pain, his voice. There was not trace of agony or complaint. So I listened to the man, I was bitter and envious of his mastery over himself. Clearly, I was jealous of the man with the eyes of soft stone that never once wavered. I listened to him and listened hard.
Check two on the completion scale, I earned my black belt in six months and still maintained a moderatly high GPA.
I stayed at the temple over a month and then I left with Artemis. It turned out that I wasn't the only student of Artemis', there was another, a girl. Apparently she was 14 years old, four years younger than I. She lived in England and acording to Artemis, she had had more action in her life in the last six months than I had had in my months and months of vigorous training. This angered me slightly, I didn't think it was a very nice thing for him to say.
Minako Aino was her name, code name: Sailor V. She had modeled for a comic book seies with the same name a year ago. When I met her she seemed congenial enough, dedicated to her work. She was not shy, but quietly reserved, and I had a thought that we would never be truely good friends because of our equal reservation. Artemis told me to have an open mind. He put me up in a very nice appartment, one with three rooms and a queen sized bed...ooo it was plush let me tell you.
The Nega-force
::=Empire of evil energy=::
Mamoru,
They asked to meet me that night, at a coffee shop around the corner from my building. I was there at the appointed hour, ready to believe something that would most likely be unbelievable. Unbelieveable, well shit, tha's what it was. but then again what wasn't. I did not think that Artemis would keep anything from me, I never thought that. This was the very first time that my past came back to haunt me, the first time of many to come.
Sailor V responed to every disaster that she was able, now that I had come to England we would work in a partnership situation. I would have a costume, a respectable one Artemis promised me. My first impression was that this Negaverse was the sole issue in this crime fighting business, one good, one nemesis. My first impression was the wrong impression. It turned out that the the Negaverse accounted for only 18% of the trouble Sailor V had come across. The majority of the problems were just your normal things; thefts, robberies, fights. To our knowledge these things were not connected to the Nega-verse.
My first encounter with the Nega-vese was one extremely early morning, on my first day of classes. t four o'clock in the morning Artemis pried me out of bed. Actually it proceeded more hastily, soemthing like this.
To make another mildly long story short, I arrived there in time to see Sailor V jump off of a building as a hole was blown in the roof and somthing inside burst into flames. She hit the ground in one piece, stumbled but caught her balance. I was about to run and meet her when Artemis grabbed my arm. I starred back at him and saw that he was pointing to my left, I turned around and this is when I saw the man.
He was rookie a rookie aprentice, the one who got his hands dirty. His name was Jadeite and he was one cocky bastard. A blond man dressed in a simple gray uniform. He stood next to me, glaring at me. When he spoke I was sure that it was the rigid, stiff gray uniform that kept him on his feet. He and Artemis exchanged some harsh words and he demanded to know who the hell was I. I stood there stypidly, very mute, with a blank look on my face. That morning Artemis was issued a warning. Jadeite said that maybe the girl could hide but he was out of luck and nhe would pay dearly for it. He was gone aftr that.
Understand me reader. There is a part of me that wishes to burry the past and live for the present, but there is another part of me. There is a very small piece of me that holds dear the past and her name is Felisha. There was a time, a sweet time when I was truely happy there in England. Heed my warning and do not laugh for this comfort I can afford you, this was a time before my future and a time before Serenity.
In late August of my 18th year (I am a Leo) I began my training at Hawaki Shrine. Here I would learn endurance and lack of self. My birthday came and went as silently and skittishly as my 17th had come. No pity please, I do not accept pity. It is very, very difficult to miss something that one has never possesed. It is extremely difficult...but not impossibly.
The temple itself was rather far from my appartment, a good hour trip some days. Efficiency is preferable to waste in my eyes, so I sold my appartment for next to nothing. I was accepted as a guest at the shrine that same month. *As blind as I was, I have never worn glasses. Someone should have handed me a white stick and shoved me off of the premises. When I was finally 18 years old, Artemis threw a pole at me, a long, wooden rod. Very brown, very lean. Instead of groping around with it in my little world of darkness, used it in self defense. Defense was always necessary, Artemis literally refused to spoon feed me anything. He fought with me, and he fought to win. He neverhonestly hurt me though, he would stop himself in the last second. I will always admire Artemis' many skills. He has complete and utter control over everything, even though he does not.
The small shrine was nestled amungst a wood of cherry trees. Here my eyes got their first true glimpse of nature's beauty. It would snow pink petals each spring, I was told. Even in the late summer, when I was able to observe the trees.
My room was small and as bare as it could be, I was satisfied with my arrangements. Two people lived their with the cherry trees and the shrine, a priest and his grandaughter. The old priest could never have taught me even half of what he was capable, this was clear. He did not attempt such a task. Self discipline had been taught to me by Artemis, my almost guardian, the old priest taught me self-endurance.
He took me into the wood and showed me a flat rock. It was absolutly drenched in the sun's rays. He said to me "sit on it". I did so swiftly, with no complaint. Once h saw me seated, he left me alone and promised to return soon to fetch me.
I sat and I sat. I continued to sit there. My mind was clear but far from blank. I thought of many things on that golden rock in the wood. I thought of my friend Motoki, someone who I hadn't thought of for months. I wondered about him, aswell as my friend the florist. I wondered briefly if I had in fact been raised by him, or had I been raised at all? I thought probably not. I then began to clear my mind or at least attempt it. My attempt failed miserably and I went back to waiting. I waited for a long while, a very long while, hours in fact. When the priest finally did return it was beginning to become dark. I must have let my anger be known though my ever persistant voice. I wanted a reason, why had I been sitting out their for the whole day? I had wasted my whole day on this rock an now my back ached and my mouth was very dry. I had had no food and I was extremely hungry. The damned voice concealed nothing. The priest explained everything to me, slowly, roughly, I began to understand.
The day represeted my entire life, I was hungry yes, and I was in pain. I needed to learn to be conntented with myself, I needed to learn to be conntented in my life. "Time is an illusion." the old man stated, "and so are you Mamoru." A jagged little pill to swallow, but there it was in all it's ritiousness.
It was that same day that I found out that my conventional training was over, now came the real life stuff. I recieced this note in my mail box, it was from Minako and Artemis, it read as follows.
The Nega-verse
The Dark Side
We need to talk...
I, prince Endymion had had a very, very brief love affair with a Lady Beryl. To make a short story even shorter I broke it off, I was never in love with her. I understand that she was still in love with me. That was then and this is now, she was currently the emperess of this Negative Universe. Artemis claimed that one needed to know one's past to know one's future. I did not reply.
"Mamoru, hello, hello good morning." He shook my shoulders in an effort to rouse me. I blinked several times as I remember it. Then the warmth left my body as he pulled the covers off of me and proceeded to direct. "Wake up now. We have an emergency. We need to go now." I was yanked out of bed by my wrists and I landed on the floor still very not awake. Artemis scowled over me and began to walk calmly over to the door. I remained limp on the floor looking at him, brining him into focus. The clock on the wall read 4:34AM.
"Never mind, she'll do it alone." Artemis remarked. My musscles tightened and a scrambled to a sitting possition.
"Wait, wait! I'm coming." I yelled in retort. I then managed to stand up and ready myself. My she, I knew Artemis had meant Sailor V, the thought of her going it alone for the umteenth time while my resume sat sorely blank sickened me. I pulled on my uniform, how was I doing on time? The clock said 4:51. I tore my appartment up searching for my mask damning it from a distance. I finally came accross it on my way out the door. Artemis shook his head and it to me. I snatched it up and we ran down the empty hall and out of the building.
Artemis explained later that if he stayed in England he was going to die. Beryl knew how to find him and staying meant the death of the defenders, namely us. I asked if that was out name, the defenders. He smirked at me and frankly answered that he didn't give a shit, we laughed and that was the last time that I saw the man.
As I mentioned before, her name was Felisha and she was a beauty. She had a prettier heart than ever I had known and I am lucky enough to have achieved it. I am sure that I am still in her heart as she will always be in mine. Also, I am quite sure that she will never ever forget me, because this is a gift of eternal life only bestoved upon first loves.
If you know my future you are beginning to hate me, but this has to be said if only for me to hear. I met Felisha at my school on a Wensday. On Thursday I got up my courage and asked the angel if she would come out with me on Friday. By Friday night we had fallen deeply in love with one another and that Sunday we were married.
"You should marry me Mamoru." She said to me.
These five words are forever inside of me. They have torrmented me to the brink of insanity, and they have been my great comfort. They have earned their place in my heart.
Now, partaking in the sparest plan of my life, I followed her lead and prepared to be spontaneous. Frightened, not like I was.
"I think I should marry you." I murmured. Felisha's face turned snowy white and she became terrified. I suddenly came to my senses and prepared to slam my foot down on the brakes. I was unsure of myself.
We were alone in the church, no family, no friends. When the minister married us we stood akwardly side by side, still wearing our school uniforms, jackets removed, white collared us, exposed. We exchanged our one dollar rings and kissed ineptly. Then we left the church, it as drizzling out now and I made some comment jokingly about that being some sort of bad sign. Dinner was short but she never once let go of my hand. Maybe she was nervous or maybe she just wanted to sit there silently holding my hand. Either way was okay with me. I guess I'll never know if felisha was joking about getting married, but it did happen, joke or not.
Her stepsister lived in the area. Her name was Helena and she was five years Felisha's senior. I only met her once when I was dropping Felisha off after our first date. She seemed like a bit of a snob, but a good conversationalist. She didn't mind speaking with me for a good fifteen minutes. Of course, that was before she found out what had happened. According to Felisha, when Helena heard that she and I had gotten married she had flown into a tantrum. She tore through their appartment screaming and sobbing, trying to get her way. Felisha had cried herself I guess, but in private, not anywhere near Helena.
Helena asked Felisha what the hell she was supposed to do with this. Did Felisha know what marriage was? Yes? Well then what in God's name had she been thinking marrying me? Marrying anyone at her age. How was Helena supposed to protect Felisha now, and who was going to tell Mum and Dad. Felisha said that, of course she would explain it to their parents. This is when Helena began to cry as I remember being told. Where were we planning to live? What about school and her future?
Now, when I told Minako about the marriage we had been in our partnership for a couple of months. I just said it, I was married, there. This is my seconed most vivid memory of Minako. Her face froze and she glared at me questioningly.
I left our meeting one hour early, not even inquiring after Artemis, who I hadn't seen in a good month. I had to meet Felisha outside her house. She said that she couldn't be there for a coupld of days. Helena was always tearing up, but what was worse is that she'd become overly sisterly in the last day. She kept silent, but she would constantly hug Felisha or put a hand on her shoulder. Felisha would try to hug her back, but when she did helena would pull away from her, Felisha could not take it anymore. So it had come to this, my wife would come to live with me for a few days. On the way over I tried to reason wether this would make my appartment our appartment. After carefully cosidering it I came up with an answer of no. She had said a few days, not forever. I supposed forever woud have been completely fine with me. As I pulled up to the sidewalk in front of her house I was absolutely absorbed in puppy love. I must have had a very foolish look on my face. My haze sooon cleared and my vision was shattered as I saw Felisha runing towards the car. Not jogging and deffinatly not happy. She had this look of sheer fright in her eyes. Felisha had left her suitcase in the open dorrway, and it was while I glanced at it in wonderment that I saw Helena. She stumbled down the stairs and into the sunlight. It was dusk but I could still see the crimson sadness that decorated her face. I was now half in and half out of the car trying to straighten things out in my head. It was then that the sistuation mde itself painfully obvieous. Felisha fumbled with the handle of the car door as she reached it. She was pulling frantically on it but it would not open. I quickly sat back down and reached over the passenger seat to unlock the door. As I did so Helena began to scream. She called me a thief, among other things. I was a heartless liar and a bastard. After cursing at me horribly she told me to stop, she began to sob, now she was pleading with me. These two extremes mingled in my head for a moment and caused some sort of temporary deafness.
Minako finally decided to warn me; a seed had been planted that day and I shouldn't expect that it would simply end there. It wasn't going to end with Felisha now living with me. She thought that this idea was a bad one for both of us. I told her that this was none of her business, she didn't know us. Minako and I didn't speak about much for a long time afterwards. We kept our conversations formal and on topics of business, as to best not complicate things.
I received a note from her one day. I had not expected it so I hesitated to read it. Married life was complicated enough with out reality entering into it. I did end up reading it though. It explained what had happend to Artemis, this I was anxious to hear. He had been atacked ne night, about a week after we had last spoken to him. He had barely excaped with his life and now he had been forced to hide. Something inside me did not like to think of Artemis as hidding from anything, but I made myself except it. Minako said that the man was disguised as a cat, a white cat with a crecent moon on his head. The moon was so that we would know him from the ordinary cats. This reminded me of a cartoon show and I suddenly pictured Artemis in a big white cat suit with his distinguished face poping out of the front. I then made myself be serious. Minako went on to say that she would be at the train station at 9:30 that night. Then she added something very sternly. She expected that I would be there at 9:30 as well.
I knew what she was doing, she was trying to scold me by way of a challenge. Something along the lines of, ok big boy, you think you can handle reality well fine let's see you deal with this one.
Felisha made me regret it every night that I left the appartment. You see, at this point the Nega-verse had made some heavy duty changes. Jadeite's power had been upgraded to double his usual strength. He was screwing with city life now. I was gone half of the time and sleeping or studying the rest of it. I came home with these odd bruises and burns on me, Felisha took noticed and began to ask questions that I could not answer.
Living with Felisha seems like a very long time ago. We were very lazy, hardly ever leavig the appartment. It almost seemed like; if I kept her here with me always, then life would always be good. It was another world in my apprtment when she was there for that week, but it was a sleepy, satisfied world. I'd bring her a little something everyday if I could, on my way back from 'work'. Something sweet like cookies or candy. One time I bought her flowers, I spent 30 minutes looking over the roses but ended up buying dasies. Life got stranger by the day but love was sleepy and life was good, for a moment or two.
I met Alan by chance, while I was staking out an office building downtown. He asked me if I was waiting for someone. I said no, why? He said that I had been walking around the building for a while. I didn't tell him this, but we (Artemis, Minako and myself) had our suspicions that this building was Nega owned and opperated. I told Alan that I was just out for a strole.
I found out later that day that Alan and Minako were friends. However, when I mentioned Alan Minako's face began to flush and she stopped breathing for a moment.
We went to bed one night, Felisha and I and at about 1 o'clock someone began to bang on my door. I got to my feet giving Felisha a look over, she had woken up. She sat up in bed directly. I made my way through the darkness to the door. I asked who it was, then the man called out Felisha's name. I repeated my question and received the same answer. I looked to the bed where Felisha still sat, and though I could not see her, I heard her just fine. She told me to open the door, then I heard a rustle of sheets as she ran to my side.
The next day at school would be my last day. Minako had relaid a message from Artemis, we had to leave England, she didn't know why though. I supposed I would find out after school, or that night. I was supposed to meet Sailor V at that same building that I earlier mentioned. It had become evident in the past few weeks that this was no lagitimet business, not with beryl at it's head.
The next day at school I kept my eyes on Felisha but I never confronted her. It was she who came up to me that the end of the day. I tried to kiss her on the cheek, an akward move on my part. She would not have it and she pulled away.
Her family was against it and she realized that she would need her family to make herself a future, more than she would need me. I'll leave it at that for both our sakes. The rest stings to the thought, and it is in her words not mine. She left me, and that is all I need say.
Continue to next chapter
"Y-Yes?" She stuttered. I just stared back at her blinking wildly, a deer caught in the headlights. "Y-You said yes..." She repeated. I thought back a moment, had I sad yes? I could't quite remember. It appeared that this whole spontenaity gig was new to the lady too. So was positively without direction and I found that it suited her. She grabbed my arm and led be out of the store. It was a gray afternoon now but there was no rain, just clouds. She then openned my hand and produced a second ring, one identical to hers. I guess she had bought it when we first went into the shop. I looked up and grinned slightly.
"You said yes right?" She giggled biting her lip nervously. I nodded slowly.
"I said yes...right." I announced finally.
"So you can feel it right? The connection between us?" I gazed widly into her. Did she mean the sweet simplicity of it all? The love, the haze of euphoria that clouded over me whenever we saw each other?
"Felisha." I whispered wholy unable to express myself. Her beautiful idealism surprised me and I knew that I wanted to marry her.
"Felisha, marry me?" My 18 year old-self stumbled clumbsily over her but thankfully I landed in her arms, orshe in mine. She threw her arms around me in a wild, lovely answer of yes.
Felisha told the same thing to both of us. She said that nothing had to change, we could still attend school and she would still live mostly at home. At this point Helena locked herself in her room and began to whale, not concealing one tear.
Felisha had said that she didn't know about the future just yet. I was okay with that.
"In your dreams." She narrowed her eyes, slightly knowing her error.
"No, in reality." I corrected. Minako's lips parted slowly. She then began to shake her head gently. I hadn't known what to expect from Minako, she was very unfamiliar to me, even after our months together. When Minako had said that it was in my dreams to be married I must admitt that it stung. I hadn't expected it. I did not understand what she thought she knew about me, not at the time. I do now. ""Do you have anything to say?" I offered. Minako lowered her eyes but brought then up again quickly. What did I expect to hear?
"Is there an appropriot answer, I mean something I can say to, maybe..." I stopped her with my shaking head but sh persisted. "Don't you think it's a little wrong?"
"Don't tell me I was wrong." Minako became more annoied with me.
"Fine. All I can say then is be careful." She replied distancing herself from the topic, or trying to anyway. However, love is clingy. I asked her what she meant by that. I was angry with myself, clearly and I was looking for someone to scream at, and Minako was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She answered that she meant exactly what she had said. I sat back in my chair an grumbled slightly, folding my arms.
"I can't imagine this." She murmered trying to look at me. I tapped my foot anxiously under the table. So I had been wrong hadn't I? I didn't understand then, when Ihad been wrong to marry this girl then why did it feel so good? I could almost taste the forbidden apple on the back of my tounge as Mianko tried to return to business. We got nothing done that day.
Felisha was screaming at me to go, I think but all I could see was Helena stumbling slowly towards the car in her bathrobe speaking to me in some strange language.
"This is bullshit Mamoru, you know it isn't right." She cried. "She is too young! She is too young damnit and she has a family. She isn't like you!" Helena cried. I then closed my eyes and gripped the steering wheel with all my might. I began to tremble softly with rage at what I had just heard. My compasion dissapeared in that second and I jammed the key into the ignition and started my car up. I couldn't hear Felisha speaking to me, not really. I heard only my anger and the deafness that surrounded me.
Helena must have seen that I had no intention of stopping to 'release' her sister. This monster was roaring back into his hell and dragging her little sister along behind him. I openned my eyes and saw a blue shirt silding down my windshield. Helena had ripped open Felisha's bag and now sh was throwing all it's contents at us, at the world, at me. As I slammed my foot down on the gas I let out a scream , I allowed myself that. One angry, god awful shout to make sure I was sill myself. As we peeled off down the street became decorated with splotches of color. We drow away from the storm of color and into what seemed to be sunlight. I openned my window and leaned my head on my fist, I did not say anything and Felisha began to weep.
"Where were you last night?" She would ask.
"I was out, I went out to check on something." She then pouted her lips and rubbed her eyes. Now, I realized how suspicious this made me sound but I did not want to lie to her, and I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I didn't want to lie to her but I would if I had to.
"Do you still...nevermind." She stopped herself. That nevermind simply tore me to pieces indside. I had a job to do, one that I had never remembered formally agreeing to. Plus, I had never been particularly good at juggling. Felisha meant a lot to me.
She once asked me what it felt like to be utterly alone in the world. I let it role off my back, as I had always done when asked and made a little jest of it. I told her that being alone wasn't much different than having a family, yah how the hell did I know. I had gotten over the lonliness, it had been safely packed away and I was sure that the package would explode one day. But what continuosly bugged me was the fact that I didn't even know who I really was, I had no connections. No real past. Felisha leaned her hed on my shoulder and told me that family wasn't all that great, she thought it was over rated in fact.
He said that he had seen myfriend. Ah, yes I said, my friend I had forgotten. Actually I guessed that Minako was probably snooping around here as well.
"Minako." He said, "Right?"
"Right." I replied with a puzzled expression on my face. I wondered how he knew her.
"Oh so you are more than friends?" I asked. She told me no, they were just friends. I didn't believe her. Over the next few days her affection for alan became more and more apparent, but I didn't think it was anything more than a school girl crush. I was not a very good judge of love I do not think. No, I supose not.
"Get out of here Mamoru. It's my father." I would have liked not to be affraid but I was suddenly very scared. Scared to lose her. I was right to be scared. I opened the door slowly when Felisha had quickly put some clothes on. Her father came into view and I met him face to face, not like a coward. He did not speak to me, he only grabbed Felisha's arm and pulled her out of the darkness. My face froze in anger and I seized her back from the light. In one moment she turned to me, and she looked at me, then she shook her head. No. I let go of her that night. I closed the door behind her and walked slowly over to the window to watch her leave. It was just one of those things that I did when I did not know what else to do. When Felisha and her father exited the building Helena was waiting for them by the car. She tried to say something Felisha I think, but Felisha paid no attention. That night I did not sleep. That night I stood looking out the window, waiting for her to run home to me.
She never did.
"This isn't going to work Mamoru. I'm sorry."
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