More Poems

LEAVING HOME

At first, it was a hard concept for me & I would not hear of it
A faithful woman stays with her man until the end
After all, he needed me didn't he?
But then, it almost came to an end
He did things I never thought he would do
It broke my heart, it destroyed everything that I believed in
And that's where my journey began, when I vowed never to let it happen again

The first time I left him, I left in fear, my heart was pounding & I was
afraid for the unknown
I felt vulnerable, afraid & alone
What happens if the car breaks down, what happens if I run out of money,
what happens if he tells me to never come back?
All I wanted was my husband, I wanted him to put his strong loving arms
around me and tell me that he would take care of things, that everything was gonna be alright
But that man was not to be found

He called me and all I wanted was to reason with him, to make everything right
But that man was not to be found
So it made me tough: I thought, if I cannot have it the way that
I want, the way that I need
then I am not going to have it his way either
After all, the man I spoke with was not my husband
And I was not going to deal with that man any longer,
I was not going to succumb to him

The second time I left him, the fear was lesser
I learned that the less trauma I was exposed to,
the stronger I became
The earlier that I left, the better things were
I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing and that I had learned a valuable lesson
I felt proud because I was taking care of my children
I felt proud because I did not let them down this time
I felt proud because I was able to tell them "you can ALWAYS count on me,
I will be strong for you"
The third time I left him, there was no fear, my heart had stopped pounding
The only thing that remained was a strong conviction
I had keys in my hand, a plan in my head, and a purpose in my heart
I had goals and I had strength that came from within and from above

I said goodbye to that weak woman, the vulnerable one, the one to be pitied,
the one without options, who sat around letting things happen to her.
In the end, there was nothing to gain by doing that,
and everything to lose.

As I became stronger, I saw that my vet was intimidated by that strength.
I found I had a new power,
a power to influence him by refusing to let him influence me.
I liked that!

I am happier now and so is he.
No traumas this month, nothing to regret, nothing to apologize for.
Happy healthy children.

Sally Huffman, 6/2000