Quotes from the characters of Buffy

3/2/00 Updated

Xander (to Riley): "There's no way to politely ask you this, but did they put a chip in your brain?"

Willow: "That was the funnest coma ever."

Buffy: "Faith, these are innocent people." Faith: "No such animal."

Willow: "She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going 'Ooh. Check me out, I'm wicked cool. I'm five by five.'" Tara: "Five by five? Five what by five what?" Willow: "See, that's the thing. No one knows."

2/20/00-2/22/00 Updates

"Cordelia, Doyle! [pause] I mean, um, Wesley. [pause again] Wesley. Let's just, um...no more fighting, all right?"-Angel "You called him Doyle."-Cordelia "It just happened. I hope Wesley's okay with it."-Angel "Oh, who cares about him? This is about Doyle. You never say his name."-Cordelia "I say it."-Angel "No, you don't. Look, you don't have to be Joe Stoic about his dying. I mean, I know that you have this unflappable vibe working for you, but...you don't have to do that for me."-Cordelia "I'm not unflappable."-Angel "Great! So flap."-Cordelia [a long pause as he thinks about what he's going to say] "I miss him."-Angel "Me too."-Cordelia "I've been around death before. A lot. I've lost people, I've killed people."-Angel "And you ARE dead. [realizes the error of her statement] Sorry."-Cordelia "It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it happen."-Angel "Angel, it wasn't your fault. It hurts."-Cordelia "Are you all right?"-Angel

Buffy: "She killed Kendra." Spike: "Dru bagged a Slayer? She didn't tell me. Good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose."

Drusilla: "Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She's a bad example, and will have no cakes today. Shhhh."

Drusilla: "Are you lost?" James: "No. My mom's just supposed to pick me up is all." Drusilla: "Do you want me to walk you home?" James: "No, thank you." Drusilla: "My mummy used to sing me to sleep at night. Run and catch The lamb is caught in the blackberry patch... She had the sweetest voice. What will your mummy sing when they find your body?" James: "I'm not supposed to talk to people." Drusilla: "Oh. Well, I'm not a person, see, so that's just..."

Spike: "A bear! You made a bear!" Buffy: "I didn't mean to!" Spike: "Undo it! Undo it!

Jack: "What are you, retarded?" Xander: "No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything."

Xander: "It's my thing." Willow: "Your thing?" Xander: "My thing!" Buffy: "Is this a penis metaphor?"

Doyle: Angel Investigations is the best! Our rats are low... Cordelia: Rates! Doyle: It says rats.

Cordelia: I don't know. I'm not getting Everyman. I'm getting...uh... weasel! We don't want weasel. Doyle: I don't know. I think people'll be pouring in once they hear about our low rats.

Xander (taunting the fear demon): "Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?" Giles: "Don't taunt the fear demon." Xander: "Why? Can he hurt me?" Giles: "No, it's just... tacky."

Giles (excusing himself after Ethan is arrested): "If you don't mind, I'm just going to go watch them manhandle him into a vehicle."

Buffy: "Thank the Lord." Oz: "You're welcome." <-If you didn't watch that epidsode, well the clever part was that Oz was "God" at the halloween thingie they were at when she said that.

Xander (thinking that no one can see or hear him): "I'd offer my opinion, but you jerks aren't gonna hear it anyway. Not that didn't go college boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out with my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care. Buffy: What is wrong with you?

Xander: "Au contraire, mon frère." Buffy: "Mon frère means brother." Xander: "Mon girl-frère."

Xander: "Pfffft. Nothing can defeat the penis!" (notices how loud that was) "Too loud. Very unseemly."

Buffy: "Want beer. Like beer. Beer good." Xander: "Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying?"

------------------- Older Quotes....the ones I've had before I've updated

Cordelia: "What?" Giles:"I'm sorry...your hair." Cordelia:"There's something wrong with my hair? Oh, my God."[She exits] Giles:"Xander was right. It worked like a charm."

Xander:"I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you ever met-by day-by night, it was booze, whores, abd fur flying....Were there any whores?" Buffy:"He was alone." Xander:"Give it time."

Xander:"We could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledge hammer, but gosh, we did that last night."

Snyder to Xander:"Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event."

GRRRRRRR to Snyder lol. How badly he treated Xander!

Giles:"The She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and lures innocent virgins back to her nest." Buffy:"Well, Xander's not a...I mean, he's probably..." Willow:"Going to die!"

Xander:"Principal Snyder! Great career fair, sir. Really. In fact, I'm so inspired by your leadership-I'm thinking principal school. I want to walk in your shoes. No not your actual shoes, of course. Because your a tiny person. Not tiny in the small sense, of course...Okay. Done now."

Mr. Whitmore:"How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?[Xander's hand shoots up.] That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris. Not a poll."

Cordelia to Xander:"I think you splashed on a little bit too much obsession for dorks."

Cordelia to Buffy:"God what is your childhood trauma?"

Xander:"A slayer? I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention getter."

Xander to Cordelia:"You wanna be a member of the scooby gang you gotta be willoing to be inconvienienced now and then."

"Bottom line is even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what, are we helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come, can't help that. It's what you do afterward that counts. That's when you find out who you are." -Whistler

Xander:"Can I just say one thing? HEEEEEELP!"

Xander to Ampata about twinkies:"It's a delicious, spongy, golden, cake, stuffed with a delightful, white, creamy substance of goodness. And here's how you eat it....Good huh? And the exciting part is, they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce. So it doesn't leave you with that heavy good feeling in your stomach."

Buffy: "Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the last two years? The fights, the weird occurences- how many times have you washed blood out of my clothes? You stil haven't figured it out?" Joyce: "Well it stops now." Buffy: "It doesn't stop! Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you know how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys, or God, even studying. But I have to save the world. Again."

Willow:"I know-we could go to the Bronze, sneak in our own tea bags, and ask for hot water." Xander:"Hop off the outlaw train before you land us all in jail."

Angel:"I want to learn from you." Whistler:"Okay." Angel:"But I don't want to dress like you."

I will have more very soon. :o) Please! If you know a good quote that I don't have posted, please E-Mail it to me!!