The sun was setting gracefully, seeming to take forever. I made a place for myself to rest, beneath the tree, in the thick pool of wet sap that had spilled out onto the ground. I closed my eyes gently, squeezing more tears out. My hands and feet dug themselves deep down into the sand, and I imagined that, if I dug down even more, I could reach the center of the earth. That made me cry even harder. I knew that I would, eventually reach there. I was going to hell. The Bible had taught me, all through my life, that suicide was some sin. I was evil. Pure evil, and I would pay for it eternally. I was too young for this. I deserved something more. I knew that.
Night came and spread over my tortured, lonely body like an open fire. I found myself at the mercy of the sky, gazing up at it longingly, watching the stars dance and fade above me. Memories of the night I had spent under the stars with Zac filled my mind. He had known my secrets, my depths, my passions. We were so innocent. He had exposed a naivete within me that I hadn’t realized I had even possessed. I imagined that these were the same stars, gentle, vibrant, and wondering, looking down on me.
I held my breath. Rising to my feet, I found the strength to smile. I put my soiled hands together softly, relaxing when my palms touched. I stood like that for what seemed an eternity, struggling with words to the sky above, begging for forgiveness, chastising myself, expressing my love for the people close to me. I couldn’t say enough; these would be my last words. There were a million things I could have told that night; things that my shyness corroded.
I had spent months planning this out. More like years, when I thought about it. I found the spot where the imprint of Zac’s body had been, and laid down against it. The sand felt hot and real—it was as if he were still there, holding me, saving me. I knew he didn’t want this. He would get that letter, someday, possibly years from now, and cry. I hated to do this to him. I wept some more, for him, for myself, for the life I was abandoning, for the future I was killing. There was nothing else left to do. I pulled the familiar knife out of my pocket, holding on to it as if it were my lifeline. Against the moonlight, it seemed almost like a prize; and, to me, it was. I was blind, shaking, and more frightened than I had ever been in my life. Some old, beautiful, soothing love song slipped out of my lips, and was carried away into heaven by the breeze. I pretended that Zac was holding me again, whispering to me, promising that I would be all right.
“I love you,” I whispered, to nobody in particular. I gazed up at the sky for the last time. A shooting star illuminated the world for a moment, and distracted me. I felt the sharp pain, in my wrist, slicing through my entire body. I looked down at my feet and saw blood mixing in perfectly with the waves, and I screamed.
I thought about freedom then. Beautiful, glorious, heavenly freedom, bringing me to my absolution. It was an imperial night; it felt like Home there. For one small moment, before I lost control of myself and everything went completely black, I could feel myself flying. I had known this feeling so well as a child, and I had forgotten. I remembered it now. For that one, incredible, vital moment in time, I was experiencing happiness.
