I sat down beside her, putting my arms around her. She dropped the doll on the floor and hugged me back. “I heared the fight with mama,” she whispered. I nodded. “I’m sorry about that, little buddy,” I whispered back. “Now, listen, Reenie. I have to talk to you.” I held her out in front of me, gazing at the innocence in her eyes.
“I can’t live here with you anymore, alright? It’s not your fault—whatever bad happens in your lifetime, in mine, in your mama’s, or your daddy’s—it will never, ever, ever, be all your fault. Remember that.” She didn’t respond. I sighed. “You’ll never be able to see me again, Reenie. But I’ll see you. Okay? Yes, you can look at pictures and things, but it won’t really be me. I’ll be inside of you. But you won’t be able to see me.” She seemed confused.
“Will you be invisible? How will you get inside of me?” I felt my knees buckling beneath me. “No, Reenie, I won’t be invisible. I’ll just be magical. I’ll fly inside of you. I promise.” She smiled. “Will you have wings?” I choked on tears. “Yes, baby, of coarse I will. And you’ll be able to talk to me. When you pray. Just ask for Abby. I’ll always be there. Can you do me a favor and not forget me? No matter how old you get, or how far apart you feel from me. And, when you get older, no matter what, don’t you ever leave home like I am, okay?” Reenie nodded.
“I won’t. Do you swear I can still talk to you?” I put out my pinkie finger. “Of coarse I do. I pinkie swear.” She locked her finger in mine. “Abby?” I put my free hand on her face. “What?” She began to shake. “Will it hurt when you’re inside of me?” I shook my head and threw my arms around her, holding my breath in. “No. No, I promise, I won’t let it hurt.” She kissed my cheek. “I love you, Abby.” I kissed her back. “I love you even more, forever, Reenie.”
About an hour later, after setting up my room exactly like I wanted to leave it, I stole out of the house. Reenie was taking a nap (she never took naps), and Mom was locked in her bedroom, listening to The Beatles to calm herself down.
I walked out of the house easily. No one tried to stop me or chastise me for going out, leaving my mother in such a vulnerable mental state. For the first time ever, in my life, I felt in control.
I rode my bicycle to Starlight’s, the restaurant where I had caught my first glimpse of my best friend in five years. It was like going back to that bittersweet day that had both sparked my passion for living, and tied me to the edge. I could hear all of the things that were said that day, feel the presence of everyone who had been there. Even the air smelled the same. I thought of how I could have changed the outcome of my life—by never going to Starlight’s with my friends that day, by never becoming reunited with Zac.
I don’t think I ever ended up actually going inside the restaurant that day. I just sat there for a few hours and looked at it, wondering. Maybe all of this was my fault. I didn’t have to spend as much time as I did with Zac…I didn’t have to get into the uncomfortable situations I did with him, hurt him like I did. My life had been awful and wonderful when I had let myself be with him. That had just confused me even more—and it was all me.
Chapter 19-Freedom
