I had planned all along how I would handle this. I knew my friends would feel terrible if they knew what was really going on. If you love enough, you lie a lot. My heart beat loudly in my chest, a sledgehammer to my emotions. Was that what crushed me? Ugh.
“Look, guys,” I said gently, motioning for them to look inside. They smiled sadly, already feeling that something wasn’t right. “I was looking through my closet a few days ago, and I found this box. I’d like you guys to have the stuff in it. I just don’t have any use for it anymore.” Cloe eyed me. “Of coarse you do, Abby. This stuff is about our friendship. Put it away. We don’t need it.” I made myself blush. “Alright, I will miss it. It’s not that I don’t have a use for it, it’s just that—well, I didn’t want to seem like a momma’s girl or anything. Mom told me I had to give this stuff back. Our little house is too small for all of it, according to her. She said she’ll toss it if I don’t get rid of this. I hate to lose these memories, but I’d rather you have them than the Dumpster.” They both seemed suspicious, but nodded. “I agree. Thanks. Sorry about your mom hating our childhoods.” Cloe said softly, flashing a smile at me as she and Amber pawed through the box.
When they got to the bottom, they both paused. Amber picked up one of two small books I had left there, and examined it. “Abby, isn’t this your diary?” I nodded timidly as she ran her fingers down the leather bonding. “Yep, that it is. And my poetry book. I didn’t want Mom to find them. You know. I was hoping you could watch them for me. Just until I find a place to hide them.” The two girls looked at each other. I could sense how worried and unsure they were. “Well, um…what if one of our parents find it?” I shrugged. “At least it won’t be my mom. She’d kill me.” Amber sighed and slid the diary under her mattress carefully. “I don’t want to be responsible if something happens to it, or somebody finds it—“ I cut her off. “You won’t be. And I won’t blame you. I promise.” I rose to my feet, letting go of the hatbox.
“I guess I have to go now. I have places to be, okay?” They sat on the floor, both of them completely paralyzed with uncertainty. “Can you guys do me a favor and not read the books? I mean, you can eventually, in a few days. But not now. I’d like you to wait.” They both nodded obediently. “I love you guys.” I whispered, hugging both of them. They embraced me back hesitantly. Then, stepping back, I said my trademark words. “Goodbye.” I walked out of the house on silent sneakers, a cookie hanging out of my mouth. I munched on it thoughtfully, while fidgeting with the letter in my pocket at the same time. I had written it last night, when it seemed important. It was the most meaningful thing I would ever write in my life.
My suicide note.
Chapter 17-Mother
