I walked into my home, only to find my mother sitting in the living room, braiding Reenie’s hair. Each braid was so tight and meticulously woven. I recalled the day Diana had taught Mom how to do that. How they used to spend hours a day holding Zac and I still as they braided our hair into matching manes of dreadlocks, while talking about the day that their children had brought them. I missed that terribly. I felt so sick.
“Abby, are you all right?” Mom, standing up, asked. I hadn’t realized I was staring. I nodded and turned around, walking up the stairs. “Are you sure, honey? You look a little pale. Did something happen?” I shook my head frantically as I felt my insides coming up. “I—“ I dashed into the bathroom and hung over the toilet, letting the chunky vomit spill inside. In an instant, Mom was standing over me, holding my hair back, telling me that everything was fine. When I stood up, not feeling any better, she put her arm around me and tried to escort me to my bedroom. “It’s okay, honey—I’ll clean this up. Let’s go get you into bed, all right? I’ll get you some water to wash the taste out. Just lie down, Abby, I’ll be right there.” I always felt more like her dog than her child. I hated being told what to do. Everyday, it was always, “do this, do that, don’t live.” She never treated the family puppy, Jack, that way even.
“Mom, I’m fine, all right? There’s places I have to be—I’m going out. I’ll be back before dinner.” As I hobbled back down the stairs, dizzy, Mom grabbed my arm. “Abigail, do you honestly think your loving mother would let you go back out there and throw up again? No, honey, I’m sorry, but I can’t just do that. Now, that’s enough. Let’s get you to bed.” She took my arm and tried to lead me in the other direction. I pulled away. “Mom, look, I told you, I have to go somewhere. You wouldn’t think so, but it’s very important. And I’m not sick. I just ate too much. I’ll see you later. Goodbye.” As I put on my coat, Mom reached out in front of me and locked the door, from the inside.
“Abigail King, do you think I’m stupid? You and Zachary go out alone, every single day, and we never see you. His family never sees him, either. We know what you two are doing. And I can’t stand for it anymore. I won’t stand for it anymore.” I smiled weakly. “You are insane. You don’t know anything about what we’re doing. If you did, you would know that you have absolutely nothing to worry about. He respects me, Mom. Unlike you, obviously. You don’t even find your own daughter worthy of your trust?”
She sighed. “You expect me to? You stay out until one in the morning, and he brings you home. That hotshot rockstar dream-lover of yours, who you don’t even know. You’re nothing but a groupie to him. He doesn’t respect you at all. How could he?” That set me off. It was then that I noticed how shallow my mother was. I hated her right then.
“What the hell do you know? Dammit, Mom! Zac is more than the classical rockstar image that you have painted him into! You don’t even know him. He is nothing, and I mean nothing, like anybody thinks. Oh, yeah, and I’m his friend, not one of his fans, like you seem to think. You loved this boy once! How can you turn your back on him?” I pushed passed her, and ran to the backdoor. I had to get out somehow. I hated this place.
“Abby, where did I go wrong? Why are you so hurt and angry all of the time? Reenie says that you always cry, and Amber and Cloe say that you ignore them. What can I do?” I shrugged. “You believe them? Reenie’s little, and my friends are stupid. They don’t know me either.” I shook my head and threw open the door. “Nobody does anymore.” I ran outside, jumping the fence as my mother called out my name. I didn’t know where I was going. I hoped nowhere.
I had ignored the knife in my pocket until it slipped out and fell onto the street. I looked down at it, against the sunlight, and I panicked. What if somebody had seen it? They would think that I was out to hurt somebody, the way so many people in the sick world did. Scooping it up, I ran as fast as I could, like I had so many times before, to the beach.
I knelt down beside the tree, under the shade, where nobody could see me. The waves rolled in on the shore, the way I imagined thunder rolled in the sky. How come you could hear thunder, yet never see it? Why did the thought of that terrify me?
I pulled the knife out. It was so sharp, tender, and beautiful. I longed so deeply for it. It was my little way of flirting with suicide, safely. I hadn’t done it in months; not after Reenie had caught me with the pushpin jabbed into my arm. She knew. I secretly wished she would understand that it was wrong and tell. But I had loved her, and lied. It had been an accident, I had said. Still, though she believed me, she had prayed for me. I knew that she was afraid. She had reason to be.
I was about to do it again.
As I usually did, I fondled the self-destructive object for a minute. Touched the point, made sure it was sharp enough, and then cried, because I knew it was sick. Then, my soiled hands would pray, asking for forgiveness for the sin I was about to commit. My little pre-cutting ritual. I did it every time, just to save myself from the wrath of the Hell I feared so much.
Now, taking a deep breath, I broke the skin on my wrist. It wasn’t even that bad. And, for a brief moment, it felt so good. I closed my eyes and let the hot, crimson liquid flow down my arm, into the sand. Then came the pain. This was my favorite part; it took my mind away from everything. I walked over to the water, submerging the cut into the ocean, watching it drift away as I winced at the sting. It hurt so much. Then, I heard the voice.
“Abby, is that you, girl?” I whirled around, breathing heavily. Amber, the friend I hadn’t seen in days, was coming towards me. She had a friendly smile on her face, trying to seem gentle and peaceful, the way that she wasn’t. She was shaking almost as much as I was. I didn’t know why; maybe it was out of fear that I would reject her and runaway again. I just stood up, pulled my sleeve over my bleeding wrist, and waited for her to make it to me.
“Hey. Thanks for not running away. So, how’s life been treating you lately?” I forced myself to look at her and smile back, just as timidly. I wanted her to go away. I was silently praying for her to leave, so that she wouldn’t know. It would kill her. Amber pretended to be so tough, but she really wasn’t. She kept her pain and regret a secret, so no one ever understood her. She kept them out, in the same way that I did. We had to keep the people we loved alive. It was too much responsibility.
“It’s been good. And yours?” Amber shrugged. “Um…so-so. What are you doing here?” I looked up at the sky. I had never noticed how blue it was. “Well, I’m thinking, I guess.” She waited for more. “I come here a lot, just to let things come together. It’s really peaceful here. It’s kind of my utopia, or something. You know.”
She nodded. “Yeah, it is nice. I can see why you like it here.” Then, she stared at the sand, admiring my bare feet. “Abby, why didn’t you tell us about Zac Hanson?” She looked into my eyes. I didn’t think anyone in town knew about it, except for my family. I didn’t know what to say.
“Cloe saw you two here, sitting together, writing something. I don’t understand. You could have told us, you know. We’re really glad that you finally have a boyfriend. It doesn’t even matter that he’s two years older than you.” I exhaled. “Oh, no, Zac’s not my boyfriend. We go way back—we were sort of best friends when we were little, and when he got a record deal, he had to leave. I mean, yeah, he moved around a lot anyway. He spent a lot of time in South America and Oklahoma, but we’d still keep in touch. He and his family finally, somehow managed to buy their house here, too. They vacationed there, next door to me, whenever they got the chance. And then, the record deal came. They sold this house and moved temporarily to LA. I was only eight or nine at the time. Zac was ten. I hadn’t seen them since. It was the time to see each other again.”
Amber smiled. “Jeez. You think a lot of him, don’t you?” I nodded. “He’s awesome. I’ve never met anybody like him, you know? He’s so unique, and I guess I admire that about him.” She sighed.
“That’s great, I guess. Great. All right, but that’s not really why I came to talk to you.” I waited. “You know, your mom has been calling me and Cloe all the time, asking what’s going on with you. We’re all clueless. She says that Reenie says you cry all the time. We’ve never seen you cry. Only when you ran away from Zac at Starlight’s. That was all. Now, I am positive that something’s very wrong. I don’t know what it is. I was hoping you’d tell me.” I turned away.
“You are all crazy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. Maybe Reenie hallucinates or something. I don’t know. But I’m fine. Honest, I am.” Amber shook her head. “Abby, what happened to you? Suddenly, you’re avoiding your friends and family, lying to everyone, disappearing constantly. What is he doing to you?” I glared at her.
“He isn’t doing anything to me! Leave Zac out of this, will you? My God! Whatever I feel is not his fault, okay?” Abruptly, without any warning, she grabbed my arm and twisted it. The blood had soaked through my sleeve. She shrieked and clasped her hands over her mouth, turning away. “Oh my God! Abby!”
She melted to the ground, sobbing hysterically. “Oh my God, oh my God…” I ran to her side and threw my arms around her, sobbing with her. “Amber, shut up! Just shut up! It was an accident, all right? I’m okay, girl. I’m okay. Everything will be fine. Just stop screaming, Amber, please?” She hugged me, crying into my shoulder now.
“What did I do? I can’t believe I let you do this to yourself…I didn’t know, Abby. I’m so freaking sorry! I love you, girl. I don’t understand this. I’m so lost. Why you, Abby? Why do you do this?” I could feel her trembling. I didn’t know what to say, how to make her understand. I had to lie again. “Amber, shhhh. It was an accident, I told you. I cut myself on a rock. I’ll be all right, girl. I swear, I will. Don’t be scared. Shhh. It’s all okay, I promise.”
I felt so dizzy. The blood was running onto Amber’s clothes now. Large green spots spun around my head, and I began to feel lighter. It was if I was floating. “Abby, are you gonna throw up?” Amber asked, holding my head between her hands. I became aware that I was no longer able to hold myself up, and I collapsed. Amber screamed and jumped to her feet, shaking me. “Abby, wake up!” That was the last thing I heard before the blackness became my world.
Chapter 9-Grown
