The Operation

March 17

"Dear Diary: Philip is back! Oh how I have missed him, and this place in general, even though the break was only a measly week long. They always talk about people going to Florida for spring break, but how could they do it in a week? Not that I don't dream of going away to somewhere for even a few days, if I didn't have all these expenses to worry about. I sometimes wonder how anyone without a scholarship could afford private colleges, or even would want to spend so much money to attend them. Then, I think about the fun and academic benefits I'm getting here. Nothing in life is cheap, after all.

Anyway, while I was stuck home with my bratty siblings, he was camping with his buddies. He has spare money to spend on such things, I guess. Well, today is the start of the rest of the semester, back to college and Phil. Apparently he missed me too, since right after he came back, he invited me to his room. He had a new tape by a singer named Edie Brickell, pretty good actually. We talked, kissed, and made love. Now I know why they so many times use so many crude words to talk about sex, it is too furiously physical to warrant any phony niceties. At least when it is good, that is.

It is so good to have someone like Phil, someone to have a good time with, but know that he's a nice guy. He's different then Stephen, a fine example of what happens when I take risks and follow my emotions. People like him are the reason I have so hard of a time sharing my feelings; who knows who to trust? Well, here's Amanda, so I better close. Oh, I have to ask her for those notes too. Till later, T."

"Whatcha doing, Tanya, writing your deep sordid secrets down in your diary?," Amanda asked knowingly as she came into their dorm room, "Oh yes, how was your night with Philip, hmmm? While you were in bed with him, I was stuck in Professor Henry's class for seventy-five minutes. How in the hell did you talk me into taking that class! Musta been drunk or something at the time."

Tanya agreed with her, registration was the day after a big Thursday party (read place to get beer). "If you are going to ask me in that tone of voice, I'm not going to tell you." She'd ask for the notes later; Amanda sometimes annoyed her being so curious about her private thoughts and experiences. Just because Amanda was an extrovert about such matters, she didn't have to be too. Some things were meant to be private, though she often broke down and told Amanda about them because the feedback was very helpful. A little quid pro quo was worth it for the wisdom Amanda could offer, though it was not always agreeable to Tanya. She often was amazed how confusing college life was, even in her third year of it -- she no longer expected life to be simpler with time. It only got more complex. Well, at least she didn't have to worry about a boyfriend; one small, but important concern was at least now secure. Let's see, only a hundred odd problems to go ...

It's a Saturday night; Phil should be out at a movie or dinner with Tanya, instead he's in library trying to get enough information to do a ten page history paper for Monday. Why was he doing it now? Well, first of all, he kept putting it off and putting it off to tomorrow, which eventually must come. Second, he has a gigantic astrophysics test on Monday that he had to ace if he want a decent mark to make up for that midterm he messed up. How does that professor expect anyone to study during spring break? How could she have it the day we came back? Unbelievable, that's what it is, unbelievable. Professors obviously are getting back at their students for not paying attention or caring what they say everyday, when they do an inconsiderate thing like that. No, there wasn't another way to explain it.

Well, since he was only taking the history class because it was a requirement (What is the value of learning about white dead people, anyway? Kind of sick in a way to be so concerned about them, wasn't it? Now, physics was alive, it was happening, it was physical. It was ... well you get the idea.), he wasn't that into his work. Actually, he was concerned about Tanya, a vastly more important thing at the moment than even physics. Sometimes biology wins out, you know. She seemed very upset about something all week, something she didn't want to talk about. Well, she liked her privacy, but she never was like this for so long. Maybe, he should ask her roommate Amanda about it.

Amanda. She's probably out dancing with that her current boyfriend, while he was trying to get into the French Revolution. He decided if he had to learn about dead people, he could at least learn about people who got dead in interesting ways.

Amanda was out dancing, while Tanya staid home to continue to worry and be anxious. She wished she had the nerve to talk about it to Philip, or even Amanda, but she didn't even know if her fears were warranted yet. Yes, it was over a month since she had a period, but such things happened, didn't it? Philip wore a condom, which is, if she remembered it right, about 95% effective. That was damn near perfect, even without using pills, which didn't agree with her at all. Well, there was one was to check to see, of course -- a simple EPT, early pregnancy test. Just pee into this -- why is it so small?-- and see if you get a "+" (time to freak) or "-" (time to thank God, an act for such special occasions). It would be all over in fifteen or so minutes, and Amanda isn't even around to know.

A "+". Ahem, these things aren't that reliable, are they? Of course not, nothing less than ten bucks could be that reliable. We must spend a decent amount of money to submit to the fact that we are one of the tiny minority we forget about when we have sex. Security will not always come from that seventy-five cents put into the machine in the laundry room. Sex is too fun for it not to have risks, but it's fun enough for us to put a lot of effort to forget about such things. It is only 8:35; still time for Tanya to catch a movie with one of the women on the floor, and forget about it.

Tanya couldn't forget about "it" for long. She decided on Monday that she had to be sure what her situation was. There was still the chance that she had nothing to worry about, that the laws of probability didn't choose to decide to pick her to serve as an example. After her first class, instead of going for a quick bran muffin as was her usual habit, she went to the library and got a copy of the yellow pages. That's the way to do it, let your fingers do the walking.

Family Planning Information -- See "Birth Control Information Centers". Ok. She found a clinic called "Western Women's Center" that advertised in bold letters: "Abortions” and underneath talked of pregnancy testing, counseling, and birth control. "All services confidential", also caught her eye. This seemed like a good place, and it was not that far from the Morrisville Mall -- she knew the bus to take.

The clinic was on the second floor of a building in a middle class residential neighborhood. She wondered how many of the residents were aware that people were having abortions about five blocks from their high school, probably some that went to the high school. The clinic took up a large part of the floor since it offered many services, including maternal care. It was a bit drab looking from the outside, but inside was spartan but relaxing. She walked up to the front desk past a moderately full waiting area; she had called earlier, and was told that there was a cancellation of the twelve thirty. She checked in and was told a doctor would see her in about a half hour, so she should make herself comfortable. She sat down and did some reading she had yet to do for the class she skipped today -- she was behind schedule, which bothered her a little. She tried to reassure herself that it was that touch of flu that she had that caused her to fall behind, but being on scholarship makes one a bit more concerned with grades. Finals were coming up, after all.

She was glad to see that the doctor was a woman; she felt rather uncomfortable coming to the clinic in the first place, a male doctor would have made it worse. She was also surprised when she wasn't asked to put on one of those moronic gowns that you always see in hospitals -- the ones that always have your ass sticking out. She was asked to remove her jeans, blouse, and underwear so that she could be examined. The procedure was benign enough, but the verdict was not -- pregnant.

Philip wondered where Tanya was, as he called about her about the same time she was waiting for her appointment. She usually was in her room, lying down for a little while before her swimming practice. Amanda was there and was likewise curious where Tanya was -- no one saw her for most of the day after her first class. He told Amanda to have Tanya call him back when she came back.

He wondered if Tanya's absence had anything to do with how she was acting recently. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere for some reason that she didn't want to discuss. This was not really that surprising since she is a rather private person, and rarely talked about her feelings or even her family. She didn't even open up much to him, and they were sleeping together.

This hurt him, hurt more than he thought it would. Such feelings were rare to him, someone who seemed to have a relatively carefree existence these days. Sure, maybe it was because he never worried about things, but worrying never gets you anywhere, does it? He was somewhat worried about Tanya though and thought he knew the reason. He believed that he was falling in love with her, which wasn't surprising with how great a woman she was. Yeah, she wasn't a Miss America, but the special ones rarely are. Tanya was beautiful though, but there was more to it than that. She was smart, thoughtful, and kind. When he thought about it, and rarely did since thinking too much often meant worrying too much, he wondered why she picked a guy like him. Oh well, it was probably another family problem, it did seem hers had quite a lot of them. Tonight he'll talk about it with her.

"Dear Diary:

Positive. After a short time, I was told that I was positively pregnant -- for at least a month, which makes it around the time spring break was over. I still can't really believe that this happened to me; it's not like we were irresponsible. Phil uses condoms, always does. Heck, it has become part of our usual foreplay, quite enjoyable in a way -- gave the whole act a touch of righteousness to it. Yeah, condoms aren't 100% effective, but hell neither is the pill, and who gets pregnant on those? Shit.

How can I even mention this to Phil? Sure, he's equally responsible, but what if he doesn't agree with me on what to do? What do I want to do, in heaven's name? Finally I find a boyfriend who I have a good time with and who is a good guy, and this happens. Asking why seems fruitless and dumb, but why me? Why?

I must stop this and think. What should I do? First thing I have to do is to decide what I want to do before I talk to Phil. I need time to think about all this, that's for sure. Let's just list my options, good enough for a start. There's adoption -- nine months and then I give away the child I served as an incubator for. Impossible. There's keeping the baby, which would make full time college impossible, and therefore bye bye scholarship to the place I believe is an important part of my career. That surely doesn't seem that great of an option. Then, there's abortion -- killing the life inside of me so I can go on with my life. Possible, but morally and personally questionable. It's so great to have all these choices, yessireee.

Having Tanya avoid him all of yesterday was bad enough, but for Phil to wait to dinner to find out why was even worse. Something serious was wrong, and he feared that somehow he was the cause of it, though he had idea how. He had doubts that it was just some family matter, she would talk about that to him by now. No, it had something to do with the two of them. But what? He checked his watch and discovered that he was too early for the dinner that would answer that question.

The Commons. It was on the top of a small hill, but there was nothing in it that warranted such a position. It's food was about average for colleges, which was nothing to be proud of, but what did anyone expect for a place that had to make food for four thousand students? The food was paid via meal plan -- mostly by their parents, and the money they had could be used for other things.

Phil found the food to be passable, but liked the place for the interaction of students that occurred. He was a pretty popular guy on campus, and was rarely alone when he ate his meal. The commons was a place to take you mind off studies and just plain talk with your fellow students -- and a lot of them besides for all dorms, all majors, and all clubs/sports came here to eat, even if they usually stuck together by their interest or whatever. Phil enjoined such a wide variety of people, and discovered some really great guys (and gals) who he wouldn't have knew any other way. His years as a summer camp counselor at his local Y, and his camp experience in general was a big reason for this, and he hoped to get in some field where he could enjoy similar interactions. Three years in college hadn't helped him decide though, nor did his interest in physics.

He was not going to do his usual practice of having dinner with a large group of fellow students this time, of course. Tanya asked for a late dinner to avoid such crowds -- the last half hour of dinner was relatively empty. Dinner was in full swing now, and Phil didn't want to see anyone he knew at the moment. He wanted to consider the possibilities of what Tanya wanted to speak to him about some more, but still couldn't fathom what was wrong. He wandered off toward the library to glance at the current Newsweek to kill the time till Tanya was due.

Tanya was not in any better spirits as the time of their meeting was getting nearer. She had decided earlier that day, while her foreign policy professor droned on about US-France relations under the current Socialist leadership, that she would have to speak to Phil to get insight on what her decision should be. She hated to make the whole thing an impersonal balance sheet of pro and con, instead she felt the best thing was to look at the three sides of it: her, Phil, and the unborn thing in her body. Thing? Well, person then, though she could not consider the um ‘thing’ in her body quite a person yet. It was too soon, so undeveloped, and not even quite real yet. Anyway, her decision would be based on as much on the other two parties as on how it would effect her -- at least she thought it ideally should.

She could not think of the idea of adoption since the whole thing besides being personally unthinkable was kind of a great big game of chance. How did she know how good the care would be with the adopted parents? Knowing that her child was to be raised by someone else would be agonizing enough, but the lingering belief that s/he could be taking cared of in an inferior matter was a worse thought. No, adoption was not an option.

Having the baby was not that great of an option either, though she understood that life could not always be planned. She was only in this college because of a full time scholarship which she had to work her ass off to keep, besides her work study job at the bookstore to buy odd and ends plus books. Her divorced mother definitely couldn't be expected to help that much with time or money since she had two other children to worry about. Her divorced father was a legal aide attorney and barely could handle his new wife and child support. The other family members that she was close to had their own concerns, monetary or otherwise.

Then, there was herself -- she hoped to go from college to law school, if she could get some kind of scholarship or even work for a year or so to get the money some money for it. A child would seriously alter her plans since no way could she even go to college full time -- and definitely not here since the scholarship was only good as long as she got grades, grades that she couldn't handle with a child. She probably could finish college in a little more time somewhere else, but where would she go from there? How could she go to law school was a small child to care for? There was other possibilities -- maybe a paralegal or something, but such things were a big step down from her hopes. She also could wait longer, start law school later when the child was older or take longer to finish.

She felt selfish when she thought about what was the cause of these worries -- the child didn't ask to be brought into the world, nor was such a person inferior to her plans. But even if she did want a baby eventually -- the concept personally wasn't in her thoughts lately -- what kind of life would she really be giving to her offspring if she had it in such circumstances? How fair was it to bring someone in to the world with less than all she could offer? But did a job really matter that much? Then, she thought, do I want to be like my mother, a legal secretary with all her brains since she never got a chance to go to law school? Questions she didn't get a chance to answer yet.

Then, there was Phil. How could he alter my situation, if at all? She knew that he had more money than her, look at that camping trip he got to go one for spring break, and his talk of a trip to Florida in the summer. He too was at the college to get ready for a good career, only his field was science and the ass could get good grades nearly without studying. His family seemed a lot more normal than hers, and perhaps could help them out some way, though she didn't want to owe that much to anyone. Besides, they lived far away from her family, who she needed for emotional support. Still Phil had something of his own to offer, be it money or help that would help them out and make the situation better.

But what would a child do to his plans? Would he want such an intrusion and injury to his plans that would be seriously affected? Would he be mad or blame her for some reason for not taking some precaution against this, something he gladly did? Not that he ever said anything about such things, but who knows what he would think when he was told? He seemed much too pleased with his life to add such an intrusion of it, a living and breathing one. But who knows?

Though Tanya was very happy with her relationship with Phil, in more ways than one, she knew that it wasn't that serious. Love definitely didn't enter the picture, and she doubted it would. It was not that she had a lot experience in boyfriends to serve as points of reference, but it didn't feel that way to her. She knew she had to hear other opinions to get a good idea of the solutions possible, and how could they really were.

She had to tell Phil about her pregnancy and let him think about it so she could find out his true feelings about it. She wanted to be somewhat alone with Phil when she told him, and his dorm was surely not a place for that. Amanda didn't know about this, besides she had a paper to type -- she always did that in their room since she had to do it with music in the background. Maybe supper wasn't the place, but perhaps afterwards she could ask Phil if he could take a walk with her to talk. That seemed like a decent idea, and suddenly noticed the time.

Phil waited anxiously for Tanya to broach the reason why she asked him to dinner, but dinner was over without any mention of anything special. "Is she trying to torture me?" he thought, but all she talked about was the international law paper she had due at the end of the week. He started to wonder why she even took such an obscure subject that had nothing to do with anything important (science), when he noticed she was finished. She hesitantly asked if he had time to take a walk around campus to talk about something. "And miss out hearing about law on the high seas?” he said, but noticed she was not in the mood for humor. He nodded.

After silently walking through the campus for a few minutes, Tanya took a deep breath to get all the courage she could muster and knew it was time. "Phil," she started calmly as she could, "I'm pregnant." The first thing he felt was shock. Of all the things that she had to speak to him about, this was not on his list of possibilities. He wondered how long she knew, remembering her erratic behavior the last week or so. He asked and was told how she somewhat expected it for a while, but only found out Monday -- explaining where she was all day. They walked a little more in silence, each deep in thought and concern.

Phil was slowly catching on to the fact that he was to be a father in seven or eight months, something obviously not on his agenda. Condoms apparently aren't 100% effective was next on his mind, but he never really trusted that something you could buy in the machine for under a buck was that good anyway. Parenthood however was suddenly on his mind, the idea frightened him greatly, but he never feared a challenge yet, so why start. He knew he had to say something to the news, but what? What could you reply to such news? A quick glance at Tanya reminded him of the immediate -- he had to concern himself with her needs, she was in the here and now, which he was more secure in anyway.

"Well," he said finally trying to sound supportive, "this is a bit of a shock, isn't it?" She nodded to the obvious. "We need to talk about what to do, I guess. The future never seemed to be that important to me, as you probably know", he continued trying to think of what to say. "A child, well, that is a helluva step to the future for me, but life is fill with such surprises."

The idea that Phil felt the only way to go about this was to have the child brought up front to Tanya that this was not what she really wanted to do. Having a child was just not in her game plan at the moment; it just would mess up the plan of her life. She could not see herself with a child at twenty, nor could she see herself married to anyone, especially Phil. Nor did she want to raise a child as a single parent. She still hadn't thought this through because she felt that her thoughts were only one side of this decision; after all she wasn't the only one who had a stake in the matter. Besides that, no decision seemed to be palatable for her; they all seemed horrible in one way or the other. It even seemed horrible to her to feel that having a baby could be considered horrible, but then she thought of all the children born unwanted or in lousy situations, and she felt that was equally horrible.

Phil apparently thought the only thing that could happen was that they have a child, the consequences or alternatives not clear to him. She feared his tendency to only think about the present or near future hurt his idea of the future farther off. Not that she was one to know of what the future would bring, it always felt far away to her too. Perhaps she was jumping to conclusions about Phil's feelings since she really didn't know him deep down. She would have to broach the subject.

As they came to the back exit of the campus and wandered out, Phil heard Tanya ask about the alternatives to having the baby. Since she said up front that adoption was not something she could emotionally handle, abortion must be what she was considering. The word came to his mind with all the shocking connotations. Was she considering having this "operation", as so many people seemed to feel it only was? One side of him saw the pull of such an easy way out to such a problem, it solved a lot of problems now that the future would bring -- he was all for putting off problems to the future. But, the other side, the moralistic side, shunned the idea. In high school, he wrote a paper against the Roe v. Wade decision and felt strongly about his arguments. Now, however, only one real thing hit him -- she was thinking about killing his child; yes, it was both of theirs, but as much his as it was hers. The idea of killing a life that he help create was an idea too abhorrent for him to even consider. How could such a caring and feeling woman like Tanya even think about such an act?

"Tanya," he replied with great feeling, "I feel that abortion is murder." Seeing the shocked looked on her face, he added more softly, "I feel deeply about this, Tanya, after all we're talking about our future child here -- yours and mine. I rarely have to do anything that really matters, but when I do, I can't go against my feelings. No matter how hard or inconvenient a child is for a person, I can't see how you could allow an operation that kills a living being. Especially if we could take of the child decently, like we can."

"I understand you, Phil," Tanya answered, "but what is the price of this decent treatment to us and the child? How decent could we take care of the child in our situation? My family can't help much, heck I don't know how my parents survive as it is, and yours is no gold mine either though better off. We can't live off them anyway, it wouldn't be right."

She seemed to be only concerned with selfish reasons about how the child would effect their life. Sure, it would be hard at first, but they'd make it -- life never promised us a rose garden. He agreed that it would be a burden to his family to add on the care of a child, but they'd support them. It was not like the child was the result of some careless sexual acts; they took good precautions each time. They both were intelligent and hard working people; they could get survive this well enough. No need to kill a life because of some problems that would occur.

Tanya was hurt by Phil's accusation that she was only thinking about selfish reasons why an abortion would be best. Did she talk about the pregnancy she would have to go through and the birth of a child that she did not want now? The pregnancy that already caused her morning sickness, which she mistook for or hoped was just flu? Or maybe, the fact that almost three years of hard work would lead to naught when she would have to drop out to care for the baby she didn't ask for, and was surely not ready in her life for. How that child would put her career plans on hold for god knows how long, as she struggled to care for a child?

What about Phil? Yeah, maybe Phil's family could help, but they lived in a different state then hers, and she had no plans to go there since she did not love Phil enough, if at all, to marry him or change his life for him. That would leave her as a single parent unless she wanted in a marriage that was doomed not to last. Or it would force Phil to move away from his home, without having the help of his family to help them out.

No, she did not mention any of this for she believed Phil was really thinking her selfish. Besides, deep down she could not be angry with Phil for she understood his beliefs, and the pull of the seemingly unrefutable strength of them. Anything would be better than murder, wouldn't it? Even if it would mess up both of their lives, if not completely, at least in a great many ways that she could now only consider. Ways that at first seemed something you could overcome, but after a while you learn to live with. Well, she did not want to live with them, no matter what he believed. If that was selfish, then she was a selfish bitch.

All she could say was that he wasn't thinking of the problems they both would have to handle with a child. She added, "A child that should only come in to the world wanted and loved by two parents who love each other equally well. Call it idealistic if you want, but that's what I believe. And sorry to say Phil, even though I like you a lot and care about you equally well, I don't love you in such a way."

Problems. Well, true he surely was not very well at thinking about the problems his activities would bring after they occurred, but then he was a hedonist, wasn't he? Nonetheless, did not some things in life come with the rule that you had to take the consequences? No matter how bad they were, he might add. Though he admitted to himself that he seldom if anytime had such a thing occur, this seemed to be something that fell in that category. He couldn't believe, especially with the things they had to aid them, that they couldn't handle this. He as strongly believed that they had no right not to handle this, it was their responsibility.

This did seem rather simpleminded to him, but like that famous formula, E=mc2, some of the most important things in life was plain and simple -- thou shall not kill was an example. Murder of human beings be it via the death penalty, a gun, or by a scalpel was wrong. The alternatives may be hard to sort out, but that didn't make taking a human life right. He understood the hardship that both of them would go through, but was that more important than life?

Both had to sort out their feelings on the matter, having heard each other's opinions. Tanya had to think about the fact that she was now sure an abortion, no matter how unpleasant it was for her to think about what she was doing -- something Phil made clear to her -- while the other half of the cause was strongly against it. Phil had to think about what to do since Tanya, the person who could have an abortion without his ok even though he too was a parent of the unborn child, wanted one apparently after considering the decision thoroughly. After they walked back to the campus in silence, they agreed to at least a day of contemplation. Neither knew what help this would be.

Phil had here a problem that was rather new to him, a moral one that was bigger than any other such problem like when he was eight and stole that comic book from the corner drug store. A special problem seemed to warrant special techniques or perhaps special counsel. After some thought, he decided to see the college's minister/counselor, who he never met, but heard good words about. Apparently he was an easy going, about forty, and who was someone that you could go and just talk to, even if you haven't gone to church in years. In fact, Phil presumed the guy would be damn surprised if he recognized someone, since so few people actually went to church these days.

After his classes and a meeting of the physics club, he went to meet the minister at the time he set up earlier in the day. Phil's first impression of him was much like he expected. The minister shook his hand and said his name was Fred and sat down. "Well, Phil, I'm glad you came to see me," Fred said after a moment, "it is always nice to feel that us clergymen still mean something to young people today." He smiled. "What can I do for you? You spoke of a problem you wanted to discuss," he prompted.

A problem. Yes, one could call it that. Phil cleared his throat and silently hoped that the minister would be of some help with this problem. "Well, I have a problem, one that has to do with my feeling of morality, and I felt perhaps a man of your background could help me. I rarely, if ever have to even consider such problems, you see, and I'm rather mixed up on what to do."

"Well, I would hope I could be of some assistance. I also would like to assure you that all that we say will be just between you and me, think it as confession, though I'm not a Catholic priest, as you know. Morality is a cloudy subject, I might add, and often it is up to the person to decide what is best. Insight, however, is always helpful, and I hope to add some to your problem."

"Up to me to decide," Phil thought, "how could I decide on such a thing?" Such hopelessness soon past, however, and he assured himself that he could handle this. "Well, it is like this ..., " he told Fred about how Tanya got pregnant unplanned and about each of their situations. Then, Phil told him Tanya's belief that the best thing to do was have an abortion, a decision which he felt was morally repugnant.

"I can't decide what to do. I feel so helpless while she is considering such an act, especially since we have the means to support a child. The child is both of ours, but we both have greatly different opinions on what is right. I want to do what is best for both of us, but also I can't help thinking that abortion is never a choice I could make unless the mother's life was in danger."

"What about rape or incest?," Fred asked, playing devil's advocate.

"Well," Phil replied thinking once more about such cases that always made moralizing seem so complicated to him, "I see the extenuating circumstances of such cases. I, however, believe strongly that we are talking about a life here. Besides, this situation is nothing like that, nor is Tanya some poor indigent on welfare or anything."

"You are aware of the wide range of feelings about abortion in the religious community, feelings that often lean toward accepting abortion in various circumstances. The cases you indicated are the major examples, but there are many more depending on the religion. People are even more complicated, as you and your girlfriend is an example of. Makes life complicated, doesn't it?"

"Apparently, I have a extreme view in the matter," Phil replied.

"Not really, Phil. Even those who support a woman's choice to have an abortion in theory often feel differently when the child would be theirs. Nevertheless, those who do decide to have an abortion usually thought about it thoroughly and deep down feel it is best for them. I'm certain this is the case with Tanya, who sounds like a woman who would be especially sure before making such a decision. I believe you could do little if any to change her mind."

"But what about how I feel?," Phil asked a bit forlornly. "I am after all the father here and should have some say in the matter, right? How fair is it for her to make the decision to end the life of my child?"

"Situations like this are never easy to handle," Fred said in a resigned voice, as he sometimes lapsed into when such troubling problems was discussed with him. Often the kids who came had relatively small problems, which at the moment look much bigger than they were. Some, however, were like Phil. "Life hands us such decisions to bear now and then, thank God it is not more than it is now. I have nothing to add to your moral beliefs on abortion, something I feel is something each of us must decide for ourselves. On the issue of who has the greater right, well I fear it is a solomonic judgment or nearly so. Do you feel one side of this decision has more rights?"

"More rights?," Phil asked confused.

"I mean does one side have a greater stake in the matter or a greater right to decide what is best?," Fred replied.

"Well," Phil considered his answer for a moment, "it is true that my girlfriend will be the one who would have to have the child, but does the fact she has it for nine months to herself mean she is better than me? Sure the law says that is the case, but I don't agree with the law in this case, for does not the same law also support abortion? I'm no sexist, I would be there for her to help take care of the child. I think we are about equal in this matter."

"You said that you would be there to take care of the child, Phil, do you plan to marry her? Or live with her?"

This hidden assumption of his suddenly struck Phil as moronic. Didn't Tanya say that she didn't love him as she would love a child, that is enough for marriage? Living together wouldn't work any better, so how could both of them take care of the child together? The logistics was unclear, but they were intelligent individuals, they would figure it out. He suggested this to Fred.

Fred was not so certain that the situation would be settled in a way both of them would feel good about. He knew however that for someone who was against an abortion, this was not seen as an unconquerable barrier. He knew that when you was Phil's age that the future looks much rosier and secure than it really it. He also knew that it would be damn hard for him to bring this point across to Phil. He silently asked for some guidance and brought one last thing to the light. "Your girlfriend is secure in her decision, yes?"

"Apparently, but who's to know what she would think given time to think?," he added hopefully.

"Well, that is always a possibility, but one should not hope too much for things that are probably not going to occur. Now, I know you care deeply for this woman, but also that you feel she is seriously wrong in this case. What can you do? A person's moral judgment is their own, Phil, and I think hers is set."

"But, what do you think I should do? I can't tell her that I support her decision, nor could I see how I could handle the fact that she would end a life that is partly from me."

"If you came to me thinking I could tell you a way to get her to change her mind, you are mistaken. Nor, can I tell you that what would happen will be fair -- none of this is fair Phil. What I could tell you Phil is that if you support her or not, she will likely have an abortion, and it will just cause her more pain. You need not support her decision, but perhaps you might somehow support her. You may be a part of the child, but it is now connected to her -- it seems she has the upper hand somehow here, even if it doesn't seem quite right to you."

"Am I to just surrender to her decision?," Phil asked a tad shocked at what he was implying. This session didn't seem to be that much help so far, especially since he knew deep down that he hoped for some relatively simple solution to his quandary. Shouldn't a minister know what is best in such matters of morals? What hope was there if even he didn't know who was right? Such feelings of overall despair, a feeling he couldn't remember having ever before stopped him from condemning the man for not accepting what seemed like the only moral thing to do. This feeling of assurance seeming shaky in the midst of his confusion on other concerns of the abortion, Phil felt his feeling of righteousness somewhat diminishing. How could he think such a matter was so simple?

He still felt abortion was abhorrent, nothing he believed could alter this belief. Nor could he imagine that a part of him would probably be destroyed (would it have been a son or a daughter? look like him or Tanya? questions that he feared would haunt him for a long time). Reality, however hit him on other matters, that is Tanya. The unborn child was part of her right now, as Fred reminded him, and she would feel she had the upper hand in the decision. If she believed abortion was justified in this case, wouldn't it be up to her to decide -- wouldn't it be morally right for her to make such a decision for it was her body? Yes, the child would be equally his upon birth, but now it was solely a part of her body, and he gave in to the fact it was her decision to make. The unfairness of it all was hard to bear, but he guessed life was never as normal and decent like his without some such calamity that demanded us to act like human beings and decide what to do. Human wisdom again showed its ugly side.

"Dear Diary:

Just think, a couple weeks ago the only thing I had on my mind was finishing papers and getting ready for finals. Well since I am a member of the Allison family, I guess my life demands that I go through trials and tribulations like all the others. This is just my initiation into the wonderful mixed up world of my family's penchant for crisis, a crisis for my very own.

Of course, I can't handle this so lightly, it is nothing to be anyway facetious about. I decided that an abortion was best pretty suddenly it seemed, but I guess that deep down I knew I wanted one much sooner. Phil's abhorrence to the idea brought my feelings to light and made me less secure in my decision now that the father of the child (they call it an embryo, like this can distance me from the fact that in seven or so months it will be a child) didn't support my view. I felt before that his decision warranted as much weight as my own in my final decision, but I have come to feel that he was wrong -- and I can't agree to his decision or his assurances for that matter. His view of the future seems like a dream world to me.

He called me earlier today. He surprised me by telling me that he would not stop me from doing what I feel is best, though he couldn't support my decision for an abortion. The conversation was very uncomfortable (the subject matter makes this not very surprising), but it also seem to portend to the fact that our relationship has been serve a disastrous blow that a more deep relationship may of overcome. Our relationship, I fear, isn't such a deep one, and this episode of reality may just knock it down. Anyway, his acceptance of my decision, even if it bordered on helpless submission to the inevitable, means a great deal to me. Till next time, T."

After writing this entry in her diary, Tanya looked at the time. It was but nine o'clock on a Friday night, and she was alone in her room. Friday was the night when she either went out someplace with Philip, or spent time with her friends. The night was often filled with parties, which she didn't like that much, being a person who liked to be in smaller groups. Unlike Philip, she usually had her meals with a few of her friends, friends she had grown to like and trust. The last couple weeks were different, however, with her pregnancy taking up most of her time either worrying or otherwise. She wound up not having anything to do today while others had dates or was elsewhere.

As she laid on her bed thinking about this, Amanda came in, surprised to see her. Amanda's date fell through because of an emergency turned up (in the form of his high school sweetheart), and she too was trying to figure out where to go. She, however, was sure that some party or whatever would attract her fancy. They may be boring sometimes, but it was a way to past an evening. The sight of her roommate reminded her of Tanya's mood especially during the last few days, and now seemed a good time to try again to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Tanya, what are you doing here?"

"Oh," she answered without much energy, "everyone had something to do, and I decided to take the night off." Amanda's constant need to be doing something during the weekend seemed to her a bit crazy, one could read a book now and then on a weekend, and not be a total loser.

"What about Phil?," she heard he was going to be at the party of a guy he didn't like that much. Phil much rather go out someplace with Tanya, who Amanda knew he liked more then most of the women he went out with. Phil was good for Tanya, gave her some chance to have a good time.

"Oh, he had some party planned, and I wasn't in the mood."

This didn't satisfy Amanda since she knew something was going on between the two of them, Tanya avoided any talk of Phil when she tried to get her to tell her what was wrong. Amanda cared deeply for her roommate, she seemed to be a reflection of her thoughtful and less carefree side -- one always needed a compliment now and then to keep one in check. Something was wrong, and she feared it was serious. Was the couple breaking up? If so why? "Tanya, I know something is wrong between the two of you. For one, Phil much rather be with you than at the jerk Ralph's party (her discovery that "to ralph" meant "to vomit" was no surprise when she thought about his personality). Besides, something has been wrong for over a week that you never wanted to talk about. Why not? Don't you trust me?" Actually, Amanda was a bit hurt that she wasn't told; their confidences gave her more pleasure than Tanya knew.

Tanya felt split. Her need for privacy for such an intimate matter was deep, but also was her need to share it with someone who would reassure her. She knew of Amanda's feelings on the issue of abortion. Amanda was an outspoken voice (Tanya couldn't see Amanda not being outspoken anywhere, she'd probably talk at her own funeral) on the campus' Women's Caucus -- an umbrella organization for all the women related groups on campus and women students in general. She also knew that she'd soon have to set up the operation, as she tried to think of it as with little success. She had little trust in her ability to do it alone.

"Amanda," she started giving in to her need for support, "I'm pregnant." Bypassing Amanda's shock, she continued, "And I have decided to have an abortion, a decision Phil feels is abhorrent. Now, my relationship that was so full with pleasure and great times has seemed to come to an end with this. Not that I blame Phil for his feelings for me, what I'm doing is rather horrible. But, I have come to the conclusion, it's all to the best. So, why is it that I still feel for terrible? Why?" She tried to hold on to her composure and succeeded barely, helped by the fact that she had cried silently and alone often by now.

Amanda's shock quickly receded and her feminist spirit came out. A woman's right to abortion was one of her strongest held beliefs, perhaps because of its importance especially for the rights of women to decide what to do with their life. She remembered a television movie that was on a couple years before with a favorite actress of hers, Amy Madigan, named "Roe v. Wade". She dreamed of being like Sara Weddington in front of the Supreme Court (or any court for that matter) defending a women's right to be equal to others. No matter why she decided, Amanda trusted a woman's judgment, but then remembered that a friend was involved here. A person , not just an idea. This was rarely the case for her, and she knew that it demanded care.

"Tanya, I trust in your decision. You are one of the most intelligent and thoughtful people I ever have known, so I know that for sure. Talking about it would help, wouldn't it?," she asked hopefully, her need for reassurance coming out.

Tanya was touched by Amanda's comment, which reaffirmed her belief that Amanda was probably the best friend she ever would make here. Her best friend back home moved further away than she had when they went to college, and she felt a great loss because of it. She was relieved to be able to empty out her bottled in emotions formed by her pregnancy. She especially talked about her fear that sometimes still she feared her decision was the wrong one.

"Phil's comments still come back and haunt me, Amanda. It seems so simple, I'm planning to end a life that would soon be a child. A life that came half from him, half me. No argument, however complex, seems to overshadow this, no matter how much I reassure myself otherwise."

Amanda's strong belief in the right of abortion often overlooked such concerns, which she put aside as not equal to a woman's right over her body. Nevertheless, her belief was more than just feminist furor, it was based on her deep felt belief that a woman should have control over her body, especially those things that were special to her alone. "The life is not a child yet, Tanya, but a part of you. Why should an embryo or fetus takes precedence over you, especially when it will seriously hurt your life."

"But," Tanya questioned, "isn't that a bit of an exaggeration? Yeah, it will really hurt my plans and all, but my life?"

"Yeah, your life. A baby will end your stay here, and who knows how long it will take you even to get graduated, forget about law school."

"But what about Phil?"

"What about him? Is he the one who has to have the baby? Does he have a scholarship he has to keep up with to stay here? And is he thinking of your welfare in all this? No, he only cares about someone not even born yet. He's a good guy, but here he has his priorities out of whack."

"What about the 'embryo', a word which I still think is just a way to forget about the fact a living unborn child is involved here. Phil's accusation of murder often come back and haunt me." Tanya thought long and hard after she decided that time with Phil that abortion is what she wanted, and she believed her decision to be just and the best. This didn't take away the feeling that the decision was a horrible one to make, not that the alternatives were any better. She didn't forget this, something she feared many women tried to do.

Amanda wasn't totally sure of the strength of Tanya's concerns, but relished being her devil's advocate -- she was on the debate team and often tried to get Tanya to join. Amanda realized that she often forgot about the horrible decision an abortion was for a woman to make, but didn't see conservatives offering many alternatives to it. This made her rather cynical at times, but she tried to hold that back now. "Tanya, I'm not going to tell you that an abortion is a great thing to go through, or that it is simply an operation. I hate it when people think that we women think like this. I think it is a necessary evil, which doesn't make it any less your right."

Tanya was reassured by these comments, which she knew deep down was true. It would not make her decision much easier, nor would it make the abortion any more pleasant. It did however give her a friend who would her carry through with the decision she made, a decision she understood Phil found totally wrong. This would be a source of sorrow for her, but she had to go on with her life. And have an abortion.

Amanda had secretly called Phil the Saturday before to ask him if he'd relent and be with Tanya when she had her abortion. Phil again said that he could not offer his blessing or have any part in an act that he felt was equal to murder. Amanda had told him the abortion would take place the Wednesday after, so Tanya could have it before school ended. She wanted it done and finished, so she decided to stay after her exams to the end of the week. This would allow her time to have the operation and rest a day or so before having to leave for home -- the dorms closed on Friday. It and school would thus be over, though only the latter could really be forgotten.

So today the act would be done. Phil still could not believe that Tanya could do such a thing with his disapproval. Nor could he talk to anyone about it, even to his best friend Mark who he confided in when he needed to. This seemed different, something that he couldn't share with anyone because of the deeply private and personal involvement he had with it. Besides the ending of the life of his unborn child, he knew it would end his relationship with Tanya. A relationship he feared was getting more serious than he thought it was, surely more seriously than Tanya saw it. Tanya, he knew, probably felt it was a good time -- after all wasn't that what Philip Jackson all about? Perhaps, he did not deserve a woman like Tanya, someone who he guess he really didn't know.

Perhaps, he did know her, knew her too well not to slowly fall in love with her. Her decision did not change that, but it did change the carefree style of their relationship, which was what made it work. No talk of commitment or anything, just a good time between people who liked each other. It probably was good for her to have such an experience in life, especially in college. She never claimed that it was anything else, nor did he.

His, well he guessed it was love, for her did not make her decision any more right, nor his feeling of injustice any less strong. He knew that he seldom thought about such things since life seemed rather easy going for him, but now he knew what the pro-lifers meant when they spoke of the death of a human being. In addition, he wondered how many other fathers out there felt the injustice of having no say in the decision to have an abortion. There was a difference between the rights and equality of women and ending the life a human, especially without the consent of one of the parents.

"All set, Phil? Finished packing?" his roommate Ralph asked as he entered the room. Phil was leaving to go home in less than an hour.

"Yeah," Phil answered resigned to fate, "I guess everything's done by now."

It wasn't however, since Tanya and Amanda was still in the waiting room of the clinic, anxiously waiting for Tanya's turn. Tanya spent most of the time thinking about all that had to be done before having the operation done. First, she had to figure out where to have it done to ensure the best environment and doctors -- luckily when she called that hotline Amanda found for her, the clinic she went for her pregnancy test fit the bill nicely. Then, she attended the suggested individual counseling session, more to learn about the procedure than to decide if she really wanted to have it done -- something she was pretty certain of (she doubted if she'd ever be totally secure in her decision, but she didn't believe in absolutes anyhow). Finally, she had to go through a bunch of lab tests such as urinalysis and something called Rh factor. She forgot why in the hell she needed half of them, but Amanda assured her that all was necessary -- Amanda was a big help through all of it, and the only one she told so far besides Phil about the abortion. She got her medical records from the health department to escape questions from her parents, which she wasn't ready for.

Amanda found the clinic rather blah and bland, but admitted that it was a comfortable blah. Tanya really couldn't worry about the decor, she was too anxious about the operation, as she continued to think of it as. This made exams seem like a piece of cake, though Monday night she staid up to two in the morning to cram a bit more information for an eight thirty exam. She took the exam, went back to her room and fell asleep.

"Ms. Allison, you can come in now."

Tanya slowly got up, looking aside to Amanda for assurance. She reassured herself that all was clear, her decision and the competence/good standing of the clinic. They both walked into the room the procedure would be done and watched as the finishing touches of setting up were done. The main machine, Tanya knew, was the one with the plastic tubing connected to it with something called a "cannula" connected to its end. The whole thing had a look of a perverse kind of vacuum cleaner to Tanya, as did its function.

The time had arrived. Tanya was instructed this time to change into a hospital gown and come onto the operating table. Amanda came next to her and told her to remain calm, it would all be over sooner than she thought. This was ridiculous to Tanya, who felt time was going about ten times slower than usual, it was almost surreal. She tried to stay unaware of anything that went on, since she feared to look at what they were doing. She always hated gynecological exams; if someone was going to examine her vagina, at least she should get an equal view of their privates. She felt a slight pinch, and then heard someone say that she'd get a shot of Novocain to lessen the pain. After a bit more time past, she felt something being put inside of her, and heard a grating sound. Then came a sudden burst of pain, like a giant menstrual cramp of all menstrual cramps. After a seemingly unending amount of time, Tanya heard Amanda say that it was all over. She was given an oral pain reliever and told that she could go wait in the recovery room for a little while before being given more information.

They both went into the recovery room where a few other women, alone or with someone rested after the medication. Since a local anesthesia was given, Tanya didn't have to stay very long -- only about forty five minutes, part of the time given pills to take and instructions e.g. warning signs of complications.

Around two and half hours after getting to the clinic, Amanda was driving Tanya back to their room. Tanya was relieved that it went so smoothly though the operation itself was one of the most uncomfortable things of her life. She reassured Amanda that she was okay and commented on the relative ease of the procedure itself, after all the agonizing before and after it. Nevertheless, she was secure in her decision and was glad that she did it. It clarified, however, the true meaning of "the lesser of two evils".

"Dear Diary:

I took a bus back to the clinic today to have a follow up pelvic exam. I obviously did it alone since Amanda is back home three hundred miles away, and I missed her company deeply. The abortion served as further cement in our friendship, and she talked me into going on a camping trip with her family. I spent three hundred of my car money on the abortion, I guess a little more could be spared, especially since I got that great job at Marsha's cousin's law firm. It doesn't pay that much, but after what I got last year, it pays plenty.

The checkup brought back memories of the last month or so, and all my worries and agonizing. I know my decision was the right one, that's all I have to say about that for the time being, and all I need to remember. I think of Phil though, and think of the what ifs and might have beens, but also that the relationship wasn't a serious one -- at least both of us have that to lighten the blow.

Oh yes. The trip also brings to mind the Supreme Court decision announced a few days ago, Rust v. Sullivan, which prohibited federally funded abortion clinics even to talk about abortion as a choice. Apparently the court does not know of the first amendment right of freedom of speech. The decision does not effect the clinic I went to, but of course effects mainly those serving the poor, besides making a woman's choice that much harder. I'd like to have seen Amanda's face when she saw that ruling; that must have been a sight. Till later, T."

Post Script: This story was written over ten years ago (1990), but the Rust decision again became notable when President Bush (following in the footsteps of his father, who was the ultimate person behind the regulations involved in Rust) signed an executive order cutting off funds to international organizations that perform or promote abortions, including the abortion as just option of many. My purpose in writing this story was to (with an admittedly pro-choice bias) show the competing moral choices abortion brings, showing in part the government has no business selectively funding (or concerning itself with the feelings of) one side or the other. Also, I know that the roles played by the men and women in this story are not always reflective of real life (some women oppose the choice of abortion, while many men do not), but this also applies to people of faith. Thus, the use of a minister that shows some religions have a more complex view on abortion choices than many might think. Anyway, it's just an imperfect story, and I hope some of you liked it.