Kia's Lists....
Hehehe. I see you're still at our site. Bad move. And I see that you clicked on something that had the word "Kia" in the title...another bad move. You need to THINK carefully before scrolling down any further, HURRY; there is still time to escape!!! Do not let yourself fall into the horrible ways....NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Before you fall into the Eternal Pit of Heck, however, we will give you one last choice....turn back now, it is your only hope! But first, a sample of Kia's logic....so you can see what you're getting yourself into.....
Ladies and Ladies (and "gents"), if you don't like reading things that are stupid, nonsensical and headstrong, then don't read this. However, if you feel like surrenduring to the logic of the Great Kia, then read on and Welcome.
THEIR PHRASE: I think, therefore I am.
KIA'S PHRASE: I am, I think...
WHY THEIR PHRASE STINKS: First of all, I know many lapses to that rule (cough cough, J***a...). You don't have to think to be. Also, just because you think you're there doesn't mean your necessarily there. To make my point, I would like to ask all of you who enjoy arguing with every book you read to read the book 1984. If not, then don't read it. If you fall in the latter category, you don't exist anyway and you don't count because I, the great Kia, have spoken. Also, because I think you don't exist. And if I think that you don't exist, then it doesn't matter what you're thinking because you're not thinking anyway because you don't exist because I don't think you do, so nyah nyah.
WHY KIA'S PHRASE ROCKS: Because I say so. (I also think so if that counts....)
IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ANYTHING THAT I HAVE SAID, THEN JUST THROW BACK YOUR HEAD AND YELL AT MS. SMUPPET THE KILLER BUNNY. I'M SURE SHE'LL BE DELIGHTED TO HEAR YOUR INSIGHTFUL YELLING. ALSO, SHE'S HUNGRY...*
*Editor's Note: Alternatly, send your complaints and credit card number to Kia here
(But always remember, the bloodsucking earwigs come by night...so be careful what you say...we are all-powerful and omnipotent, so be kind to us...)
Kia's List of Things to Do to Telemarketers* Works well with prank callers, too!
A note to all telemarketers (and anyone else who bothers to read this),
You've gotten away with so much for so long, and it's about time somebody put you in line. Ever since around the time the telephone was widely spread, you've been able to prey on the common people, tormenting them with your evil voices. Well, who's laughing now? Huh? Huh? Cause it's definitely not me!!!!
-Someone who Cares (a.k.a. Kia the Great)
- Start with, "Gee, a phone call? For me! Gosh, I don't get phone calls very often..."
- Try to sell them your surplus crop of peanut butter.
- Try to sell them a bridge in Brooklyn.
- Try to sell them anything.
- Say, "Hold on," turn on the TV, and leave the phone off the hook
- Let them ramble, ask a whole lot of annoying questions, and then, as soon as they're done, say, "Sorry, I'm broke," and hang up the phone.
- Of course, those aforementioned questions don't have to have anything to do with what they're trying to sell you... "If a train departs from Dallas going 45 mph at 5:30 PM on a Saturday of the Waxing moon, and it's 78 degrees Fahrenheit, and..." you get the picture.
- Practice the Gettysburg Address
- Practice your colorful vocabulary.
- Practice your vocalizations (but only if absolutely necessary, because this is guaranteed to drive them off for good).
- Ask them where they live, how old they are, what they look like, what their name is, for current marital status, what they're wearing, etc. Act really strange.
- Start preaching about the Apocalypse.
- Say, "George, oh George, is that you? I knew you'd call! I knew you wouldn't forget me! Oh, I love you!" Wait awhile for the telemarketer to try to stutter something out, then continue. "What? You mean-you've found another? Oh, George, how could you? George-please-I hate you! I don't I don't ever want you calling me again!" Hang up. This works especially well if you are of the male gender.
- Let the telemarketer talk for awhile, while remaining eerily silent. Then, when they pause to check if you're still there, say something along the lines of, "I can see you in your pajamas!" Hang up.
- Act totally normal for about thirty seconds, then scream, "OH NO!!! THE NOSE EARWIGS ARE BACK!!!" Start screaming hysterically, and throw the phone against various hard objects. Crash around a lot screaming. Then, hang up and wait until the police come to take you away to a happy place.
- Breathe heavily for awhile. Then shout, "What! I can't hear you! I can't..." Hang up.
- Say, "Oh, thank goodness you called! I was starting to get worried! Please-he's here! You have to help me! Oh no-he's cutting the phoneline! Let out a bloodcurdling scream as you hang up so that the click of the receiver can't be heard.
- Start a long, long conversation (one-way) about whatever the heck you want.
- Say, "In my parallel universe, we don't have telemarketers! We eliminated them long ago! Now, hold the line while I get out my electralysis laser gun..." Time them to see how long it takes for them to hang up. See which company braves you out the longest.
- Pick up, let them talk, and then say that you forgot why you called
- Pretend your English isn't very good, and every once in a while, throw in a really dumb word
- Choke, sneeze or laugh a lot
- Tell them all of your problems. Telemarketers make good psychiatrists
- Listen to them for a while, then say, "Hold on..." face away from the phone. Yell: What's wrong with you? EEEEEWWWW, don't do that to the dog......that's gross
on the top of your lungs.
- Just don't say anything. Listen to the soothing sound of their voice, and wait for them to hang up.
Kia's List of Things to Come in the Next Millenium
- KoRn will finally realize that they've been mispelling their name all along, and, after a period of repression, will go on a mad killing rampage... oh, wait. That was THIS millenium..
- People will finally realize there IS NO Utopia, and they will start randomly looting 7-11's, for a feeling a self-security.
- Martians will attack Nowhere, Arizona.... again.
- Politicians will become honest, human, kind, and responsible...
......HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- Humanity will become an acronym for headstrong, violent, greedy, and stupid.
- A cure for AIDS will be discovered, but Iraq will contaminate it with anthrax.
- People will consider piercing their tongue and spiking their bright purple hair as a way of expressing themselves
- Richard Simmons will still suck
- The media will make a mockery of human life
In short, NOTHING WILL CHANGE!
You May be a Pyro if...
- You find yourself quoting *any* of the song "Burn it Up", by the Offspring (I wanna make a tiki torch...)
- You go to restaurants just for those little complimentary matches they give you
- Your science project in fifth grade was testing how much gasoline it takes to blow up a shed
- At cocktail parties, you find yourself wondering which would burn brighter: a Merlot or a Chardonnay
- You enjoy romantic evenings simply because you get to light candles
- Your favorite holiday is Halloween because that's the night you get to torch people's houses
- When you're bored, you sit on the sidewalk outside of your house, watching people pass and waiting for one of them to spontaneously combust
- You buy 20 gallons of gas, explaining "Just in case," then cackling and rubbing your hands together excitedly
- You find yourself staring into your hearth, chanting; Burn, burn, burn!
- You do bad things all your life, just so that when you die, you can go to the pretty place with lots of flames.
IF YOU HAVE ONE OR MORE OF THESE SYMPTOMS, SEE A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. RIGHT NOW IT MAY SEEM LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD, BUT DON'T WORRY. YOU CAN BE CURED.
However, if you don't want to be cured, come see me sometime. We can go do a couple things... you know... torch that old barn down the block... stuff like that.
Kia's List of Reasons Why Computers are Sentient
(image courtesy of Kia and her perverse creations)
Mine's about as cranky as you can get
Older versions are a bit slower, if you catch my drift..
You need to coax your computer or else it won't connect online (or at least mine does)
They only do what suits them
If you overwork them, they get overwhelmed and send you error messages that are about as specific as, If you don't know what's wrong, then I'm most certainly not going to tell you!
They definitely have a sense of humor. One time, I sent out a query string for Balkans and Cultural Similarities. In response, I got a site about spontaneous combustion.
They know when you're paying attention, and try to screw you up when you aren't. For example, once when I went to connect online, I went to another room to do something. I couldn't get connected. Then I tried again, this time staring raptly at the computer. There wasn't a problem.
Like all other sentient beings, they often get viruses, which grow more complex all the time.
When online, they bombard you with cookies, just like Grandma used to.
My computer told me so.