FROM THE DESK OF... KIA PEARL

Ø General of the Blue Smurfs
Ø Future Dictator of the Free World
Ø (the brains behind this whole operation)
Ø Warlordess Empress of the Wedgehogs
Ø Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, omnivorous...
Ø Wise, powerful, all around good person
Ø (good for myself, that is)

Has decided to grace this page with her wonderful presence and campaigns. Remember, if you say anything mean to or about me, the blood sucking earwigs come by night!

Keeping that in mind, my address is as follows:
911 N. Sucker St.
Nowhere, Somewhere
66666

AND NOW, FOR OUR FEATURE CAMPAIGN SPEECH

VOTE KIA PEARL FOR DICTATOR OF THE FREE WORLD

Hi, I'm Kia Pearl. You may have never heard of me, but now is the time when all shall be revealed. Curtains shall be lifted, and the trumpet fanfare's sweet and clear music will ring in the ears of all. For I am the future Dictator of the Free World. The Free World just doesn't know it yet. Vote for me, and the world will become a place far better than your wildest dreams (though who knows how good that will be). For I will take swift actions and make quick decisions, unlike those petty Congressmen who squabble all day. If I am dictator, it will no longer take a month to blast a meteorite before it destroys earth. It will take five seconds, and the world will be saved.* I will unite the world under my hand, saving us all from the trouble of ever having to pick another leader in my generation. I am out to make the world a better place.

* Editor's note: If saved means everybody jumping off of cliffs so that the meteor won't kill us; our own stupidity will.

My first move as future Dictator of the Free World will be to rid the world of the clutter of those too smart for their own good (a.k.a. CHARLIE!!! ******!!! ROSS!!!! I COULD GO ON FOREVER, PEOPLE!!!!!). These people scoff at us and make fun of us. They twist our minds into believing what they want us to believe, what they want us to do. They blunder, and fumble, dragging the world down with them. I will change all of that. All people too smart for their own good shall be sent off to perfectly nice isolated camps, where they can't harm anyone. Just think, all you will have to do is whatever you all told to by me, without even ever having to bother to think for yourself again. You can live carefree lives, without having to worry about those prodigies we left behind us.

Also, I will fix the problem of pollution by creating a huge nuclear warhead, on which we will mount all the world's trash and pollution. I will then jettison it off into the sun, solving our problems, forever, you might even say. No more trash heaps to worry about, no more stinking landfills, no more problems. The environment will be preserved forever, and there will be no more pollution in our seas, killing off poor innocent creatures that we need for survival. Smog will no longer clog the skies, killing off poor innocent creatures that we need for survival. Pollution will no longer kill us. As a matter of fact, you could say that nothing else would ever be able to kill us ever again! Why, you could even say that we would already dead because the sun would fry us all... No. Don't say that. Forget it.

Not only this, but, since I am omnipresent, wherever there is a problem; I will be there. Wherever a baby cries out in hunger, I'll be there to make it stop crying and annoying us. Wherever a city cries out from under the heel of oppression, wherever a man cries out in despair, whenever a dog yaps all night long, annoying the neighbors, I'll be there. Whether I will be helping at all nonwithstanding. This will, no doubt, improve all situations.*
*To my benefit.

Now I believe it is clear why I should be elected. So march straight up to the poll booths, and show the world who it should be dictated by (Kia, Kia, KIA!). Make a statement, make it loud, clear and strong. Make it heard throughout the countryside, throughout the world, and the Universe. Make it say, "I'm voting for Kia Pearl as Dictator of the Free World!"

~~~NEWSFLASH~~~
KIA PEARL IS WITHDRAWING FROM HER CAMPAIGN UNDER
THE PRETENSE THAT "E.G.H. IS MUCH BETTER SUITED
FOR THE JOB. SHE CAN BE THE FIGUREHEAD, I'LL JUST
MANIPULATE EVERYONE FROM BEHIND THE THRONE...
(maniacal laughter here...)" SO THEREFORE DISREGARD THIS WHOLE PAGE, AND VOTE E.G.H. FOR DICTATOR OF THE
FREE WORLD!!!
(Editor's Note: Until this election takes place, vote Democratic.)
HAIL ÆMBËR.
HAIL KIA.
HAIL FREEDOM****