Well, let's get on with the show!
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): For God's sake, stay away from those gerbils!
Your lucky number for the day is 2.9.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20- Feb. 18): Last night, a spider crawled up your nose and inside your skull while you were sleeping. Serves you right for not duct taping closed all bodily orifices while you sleep, like I told you to last week. Oh, and the eggs will hatch in a few days.
Your lucky number of the day is 42.
Pisces: (Feb. 19- March 20): I see oncoming headlights in your near future. Please, stay away from The Light.
Your lucky number of the (last) day (of your life) is 32.
Aries: (March 21- April 19): It is time for you to break off your relationship with your significant other. The task may be difficult and emotionally draining, but it's for the best. Let's face it: that alien doesn't really love you; it's just using you to gain more information on Earthling anatomy. Really. It's seeing a horse, a chipmunk and a radish on the side.
Your lucky number is 323. That's a palindrome, you lucky bastard.
Taurus: (April 20- May 20): It's true that big girls don't cry, but you won't be one until that operation on Tuesday, so go ahead and cry all you want until then.
your lucky number of the day is 3.14135...
Gemini: (May 21- June 20): I love you, you sexy bitch!
Your lucky number of the day is 21.
Cancer: (June 21- July 22): Heh. Hehehe. Heheheehehehe. HahahahahaHAhahaheehohohoheehee... *Whew.* The stars crack me up sometimes.
Your lucky number of the day is 69. Hehe...
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22): Go with the Ivory. Yes, the stars agree that Cream, Peach and Seafoam are all perfectly nice colors, but they feel that you should go with something a little more classic for your dining room.
Your lucky number of the day is 666.
Virgo: (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Get your lazy ass up off the couch and go find a competent psychiatrist. Quickly.
I'm not telling you your lucky number until you get back.
Libra: (Sept. 23- Oct. 22): Oh. Oh my. I had no idea... I'm so sorry. So terribly, terribly sorry...
Your lucky number of the day is whatever you want it to be, you poor, poor thing.
Scorpio: (Oct. 23- Nov. 21): I see three trips in your near future. The first is on acid, the second is to the hospital and the third is to rehab. Honestly, I told you to lay off the drugs...
Your lucky number of the day is this really cool shade of purple...
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): If I were you, I'd get a head start and give up caring now. It'll save you a lot of trouble later.
Lucky number: -2.
Bananus (February 30-February 50): Your horoscope has no changes.
A recap, however:
You're weird. You're a reject. As a matter of fact, the stars don't even think you were ever born. Nobody does. Hope this encourages you go on existing. Have a nice life (if it really does exist, or if you even have one, which the stars also doubt).
Lucky number: none.
...If today is your birthday: Happy Birthday. Enjoy the attention while you have it. Just think: tomorrow you'll go back to your mundane, meaningless, largely-ignored and unappreciated life. Isn't it sad how the smallest things in life, such as a birthday, can bring you such pathetic joy? You disgust me. Carry on.
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