MARV MISSES HIS FIRST GAME
Just then his young, blonde and ravishing wife walks in and asks if she can do anything for him. "You can get me a telephone so I can get in contact with that head referee. I may not be able to give you much anymore, but I can sure give him a piece of my mind."
With that, he takes a slipper and throws it at the TV, knocking off a framed picture of Scott Norwood missing his infamous Super Bowl field goal.
MISSED GAME # 2
Marv telephones the team at halftime and warns them that if they don't shape up in the second half, that he will force himself to coach the next game against his doctor's wishes. "You guys were pitiful (no pun intended, Elijah!) last week and even worse in the first half. Why, the Williamsville South Billies can do better than you bunch of overpaid fat cats! In fact, I have been watching some Billies Highlights from last season and this season during my free time here in bed. I have come to this conclusion after watching hours of Billies tapes: That these guys actually put forth the effort, game in and game out. They play the game as it was meant to be played - they play it hard and for fun. You guys could learn a lot from these kids! They put something into their game plan which has been missing from our attack for years - HEART! I called Billies Coach Chuck Huber the other day and praised him on his ability to produce big-time winners year after year. His philosophy reminds me of Eisenhower during World War II. Last year, they went all the way to the State Championship and lost by one measly point because their kicker and the All-State running back John Melancon was injured and they missed all their 2-point conversions. I wish I could sign super receiver Doug Goeckel right now and put him to work on the Bills. With Reed out, we could use some spark in there.
But, alas, we're stuck with you slugs! I guess we've got to play with the cards we're dealt. If you jerks don't want me to pop my stitches right now and elevate my blood pressure through the roof, you've got to turn this game around! I'm telling you, I'll be back sooner than you think, like your worst NIGHTMARE! And I may bring Huber, Melancon and Goeckel along with me and we'll clean house!"
MISSED GAME # 3
Marv jumps up and down in his bed, yelling and screaming at the top of his voice at the TV. "I can't stand this no more! The Bills have completely fallen apart in my absence! I had complete confidence in these guys and my coaching staff, and everyone has let me down. That loss in Miami was a debacle. Williamsville South Coach Chuck Huber told me that he is willing to come aboard after the High School State Football Championships to work as a consultant. General Douglas MacArthur would say 'This is not the situation to brood or contemplate. We must act now and BOMB China!' Well, I feel like bombing One Bills Drive right now, the way I have been disgraced by these morons! As Charles Rouce once said, 'Not in time place or circumstance, but in man lies success.' I know that as soon as I can chew out my players again, I am going to quote Ralph Waldo, who said 'Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.' From what I can see on TV, the Bills have no more enthusiasm than a dead dog!"
CRYPTIC TALES FROM THE PITTS
Elijah Pitts stumbles up to the podium and throws up all over Larry Felser. "I'm sorry, Larry, but I had to do something to remind you of Marv. He always spills or throws something at you to show his true affection towards you. Anyway, Marv sends his blessings to all you 'S.O.B.s' and he promises to be back next week. As for the Bills third straight loss under my direction, all I can say is that they are playing terrible for me. I can't wait until Marv returns so I can go back into seclusion as Running Back coach and concentrate all my efforts on trying to get Derrick Holmes on track. I feel so sorry for the kid. He's trying too hard. Someday, he'll be one of the top rushers in the league. Anyhow, I can't wait until Marv takes over the realms so I won't have to address you bums again!"
MARV IS BACK!!!
Elijah Pitts walks up to the podium wipes a tear from his eye and proclaims, "This is going to be very hard for me, stepping down after you guys put up with me for three games. But, alas, all things must end. Oh, thanks for the Gatorade shower boys! And, without further ado, heeeeeeeeeeer's Marv!"
Before Marv decided to get out of bed and back on the job, the Bills announced that Clip Smith was to get a job with the Bills as Marv's Bed Pusher. He duties were going to be: Pick up Marv at his home before home games, take him to Rich Stadium and to push Marv's Craftmatic adjustable bed behind the Bills bench. Clip's payment for his services was being allowed to tell Marv any pun that came to his mind. Once Marv heard about this plan, he bolted out of bed and he went straight to his doctor. "That's it, I can no longer be confined to a bed! I will not allow buck-tooth Clipper to push me around and keep hitting me with his sick puns! I'm going back, and you can't stop me, Doc!"
At his first press conference in a month, Marv looks down at Larry Felser and a tear drips down from Marv's eye and into Felser's lap. "I hate to say this boys, but I actually missed you slobs, even you Larry. All I've got to say is that the General is back and his troops are preparing for the Invasion of Normandy! Get ready Hitler, you're Dead Meat now! "
MARV SETTLES IN
Marv addresses the overcrowded conference room and starts off by bringing out his fiddle and belting out a country tune. Larry Felser grabs Don Esmonde and they start line dancing along with the other reporters on the scene. This keeps up for a half an hour while Marv fiddles up a storm. Finally he puts the fiddle down and tells the jubilant audience, "Now that we're done fiddling around, we can get down to why we lost today. I still have images of George Siefert dancing around on the sidelines while singing "Blame it on the Bossanova" after that grueling loss last Sunday. That man deserves to be flattened. Anyway, we were just flat today. Guess we were looking past this game towards Miami. We've got to break through to the other side of this TRAVESTY called football, beyond victory, beyond greed. Franchises are moving for sweetheart deals, players are demanding more money, and I quite frankly have had enough of this greedy mess. Since my operation, I have developed a new attitude towards life and this game. I will no longer be an old scrooge yelling at the refs. Winning is not the ultimate goal, striving to be your best is. If being your best means losing a few games for a good cause, so be it! 'Tis the season to be charitable to the needy teams! Let them swim in the sweet wine of victory for a change!"
Copyright © 1999 Wild Bills' Prognostications, all rights reserved
