MARV GIVES THE REFEREES AN EARFUL!
Marvelous Marv uses his Harvard education to dissect an officials mind.
During Marv's post game conference, a reporter asks him what he really says to the refs during a game. A smile lights up on old Marvin's face, and he slowly addresses the question. "Unless any of you are lip readers, no one really knows what is said down in the trenches except those fighting down there. Hopefully none of you will ever slip a mini-microphone on the side line judges. You would be shocked to hear what I say to them. This is not language for children or the untrained ear. What I proclaim down on the sidelines reflects deep inner thoughts and feelings. I have a tendency to utter hyperboles and have been know to be 
seen with a hanging participle. But with all seriousness aside, here is a example of what I really tell those gentlemen in stripes during the heat of battle: After we've been called for holding for the third straight time, I usually compliment the referee on his new hair style or ask if he's lost a lot of weight, as he's looking mighty slim. If we get called for defensive interference, I tell the ref that his wife is looking mighty fine these days and I enjoyed her company last night. Now, if one of my coaches accidentally knocks over one of the line judges and we get a 15-yard unsportsman-like conduct penalty at a critical time, I tell the ref that his mother's so fat that ...!"
The silence of the stunned reporters is broken when one of them asks, "Marv, do you expect us to believe that garbage? We can read your lips when you really use explicit language. You can't hoodwink us!"
"I wasn't lying to you about my compliments to the refs. I only omitted a few choice words to spare any women or children who could be listening to this live broadcast right now you f*#@!$%% ‘s!"
With that, Marv let loose a barrage of profanity that is more appropriate for the streets of Philadelphia than for a press conference.
MARV'S GLOOM
"Death awaits us impatiently. It will tap our shoulder gently. Adding chapters to our story, we are delaying Doom's Glory! Fear causes your mind to contract, when nothing will remain intact. Everything becomes unanswered, when reason melts into absurd. When Super Bowl goals are beyond eternal, blazing souls become nocturnal!"
ONCE UPON A TIME, A LONG, LONG TIME AGO, EVEN BEFORE THERE WERE 'MARV'S MAXIMS,' THERE WERE MARV'S DIDDIES !
MARV'S DIDDIES
1 - "The hurricane is heading this way from Florida, and soon the eye of the storm will hit Rich Stadium. A whirlwind of controversy is being swept up by Brian Cox. The Thunder Bolts will be thrown by Marino. Louis Oliver will be a tornado, sucking in Kelly's passes. But the Bills blizzard defense will prevail, burying Marino in an avalanche of blitzers."
2 - "Thou shall not steal, and the Cowboys stole this one! The cry down here is 'Remember the Alamo. My cry is remember Pasadena and we had our hearts ripped out today by those ruthless Cowboys!"
3 - "The squirrels are collecting their nuts, the kids are going back to school, the Bills got blasted in Berlin! Ah, it must be football time again! Our cleats are polished, our helmets are brand new, Kelly's opening up a new bar - my troops are ready to do battle once more!"
MARV'S FINAL MAXIM
"All my ideas are gone. My mind has run dry of all fluid energies. The progression of thought has been cut off. My meditation has been buried and forgotten. My dormant brain sleeps during the confusion of a hectic game. The empty confines of my cerebellum compare favorably with the expansive voids of outer space."
