MARV'S TRIPLE PLAY OF MAXIMS
PART 1 -
After the Bills 3rd straight loss, a red faced Marv Levy gathers his demoralized troops and forms a circle with everyone holding hands. He starts reciting this maxim to his tearful players: "Mental projection is the key to constructive football existence. If we don't conceive the future and superimpose a goal on the screen of forthcoming games, it would be just as well if the Bills didn't exist. Life is HOPE! The future is what stimulates our motivation. The symbolic image of the DEVIL is only a personal mirage. Satin is only a manifestation of our contempt towards ourselves. (Actually, I think Lucifer is really Jimmy Johnson!) There is no one we despise mor than our very own entity. To free ourselves from torture, all our hates, frustrations, jealousies and disappointments, we project them onto unsuspecting subjects (i.e., Bill Clinton, Dan Quale). They become our scapegoats for our own failures. Why blame ourselves when the whole world is available? Evil is just the transference of guilt onto another entity. One cannot be free from self contempt until he fills himself with HOPE! As the old prophet Ross Perot once said, 'Our commitment must be to become ONE team again. On a team, every member contributes. Only a team intent on losing tells some of its members to sit on the sidelines. We need to bring everyone off the bench and onto the field. Whatever it takes, we should do it. In the long run, it's the only way we are all going to win. Our position cannot be improved by making excuses or berating others who out compete us. Our leaders respond only by complaining. They whine and bluster. That's the response of losers!' Those are profound words spoken by Ross! They bring a tear to my eye." With that, Marv rolls out his Hammond organ and plays "We are Family" as the players dance and frolic around the locker room.
PART 2
During the Presidential Debate on national TV, Marv makes a surprise appearance at the debate.
HIT OF THE BYE WEEK - Ross Perot on George Bush after Bush calls him "Elephant Ears." Perot smashes a clump of rotten broccoli in Bush's face.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK - "I'm tired of coaching football. I've decided to run for President of the United States. It is about time that I use my wise maxims for something useful instead of a bunch of overweight morons! I've been invited to be a participant in the Presidential Debate, and since this is a Bye week, I accepted."
MARV'S PRESIDENTIAL MAXIMS - Marv Levy plays an upbeat concerto on his harpsichord before his opening statement while standing at the podium to the left of Bill Clinton. "You all know who I am, but not why I'm here. I'm fed up with all the dirty campaigning going on during this Presidential campaign. Vile expressions float meaninglessly in the air of confusion. Prophets of deception conjure up dogmas of gold, promising inner harmony for the price of affiliation. Their words create a land of bliss in which they are chartered members. Shining white light on their miraculous doctrine, the oracles make any other belief seem false. All other roads are closed. You will hear no other words!" At that Marv starts playing on his harpsichord and singing the song "God Bless America."
PART 3
We continue now with the famous quotes of former Bills coach Marv Levy while he was quiding the team to four straight Super Bowl appearances:
Marv skips up to the microphone after the game and starts playing his old cello. His tune turns out to be some obscure ditty from the 16th century and angry reporters start throwing tomatoes at him.
"Now calm down boys! The Bills may have lost the skirmish, but they definitely have not lost the war - not as long as I'm the Commander. You guys just seem to forget that we wrote the book on COMEBACK! Sure, Houston finally got their revenge on the COMEBACK by humiliating us today. But, by George Patton, my men have got HEART! Our 22 starters have more heart than the entire contingent of striking baseball players. Look at our Offensive Line Crisis. Our players there have been shuffled around more than a stack of cards at Las Vegas! Give me 5 Glenn Parkers and I will have a O line to stack up with the best of them. Glen is my boy. I'm so thrilled with his ability to adapt to excruciating conditions that I'm going to adopt him! I've seen many hardships during my coaching career, but I've never seen a team with such fortitude as these Bills. "Domineering thunder heads sweep over the horizon. They billow up into mushroom-shaped clouds which form the likeness of animals. This is how my coaches and I derive our game plan, by watching the clouds! Instead of seeing animals, we see receivers and cornerbacks, tackles and guards. This is how we developed the no huddle offense. One cloud was chasing another and suddenly it dawned on me that these clouds never regrouped and formed a huddle, they constantly kept playing, and were constantly moving up the field with little resistance! I know it will never be revealed, but I have a deep suspicion that General Eisenhower devised the Invasion of Normandy this very way. Now if the clouds could only tell Jerry Crafts how to block, my life would be so much easier!
"Clouds may be awe inspiring, but they do not have the impact of a 320lb lineman barreling down on you to make a sack. Just ask Jim Kelly about that. Look out there," Marv said pointing out the window. "The bottoms of the cumulus configurations are ominous in appearance. A cloudburst can be seen over there as that white haze which binds the clouds with the earth. This looks like a curtain being drawn over the land, to set the stage for the drama of warring Gods, or in this case, the Bills vs. the Broncos next week on Monday Night Football!"
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