1 - Marv Levy on why he won't replace Jim Kelly even if he's pitching a terrible game: "No way will I ever take Jim out! He's the commander of our troops. FDR didn't pull Eisenhower out when he had a bad day, did he?"
2 - At the onset of his post game press conference, Marv blares Jimi Hendrix's "All Along the Watch Tower" on his boom box as he plays along on his air guitar. Marv then leaps upon the podium and struts his stuff, smashing his guitar over Buffalo News reporter Larry Felser's head at the end of the song, giving him wind burn. "The Bills may have lost their last two games, but the war isn't over yet! We have Saddam Hussein surrounded and we're not going to let him get away this time!"
3- "We have completed another season of glory. We have revenged all our Super Bowl loses. The Bills have overcome many injuries and obstacles to reach this point. We have overtaken the mighty Dolphin and that gesturing Cox! This season is like a mystical lake. Rippling waves dance to the rhythm of the wind. Gliding, swirling, twirling, the water performs a ballet of transformation. It is a masterpiece of art in constant motion. Liquid crowns from in the lake as dragonflies splash into the mirrored surface. Concentric circles race towards the shore; each circular wave is like a playoff team trying to reach the ultimate goal. May the Bills ride the wave all the way to their first Super Bowl victory!"
4 - Only two reporters were on hand for Marv's press conference after a bitter defeat. Marv puts down his cello after playing "The Long and Winding Road." He puts his hands to his eyes and weeps for ten seconds before saying, "Violence surrounds our every deed, when looking through the eyes of greed. We become blind to the beauty within, the spirit of love is where to begin. My troops are coming ashore for their mission "Operation Restore Hope." I've decided to brow a beard, maybe add a few pounds. We've go to break through to the other side of this travesty called football, beyond victory, beyond greed!"
5 - Marv continues his musical bag of tricks after a Bills-Dolphins game by playing a flute. He puts the flute down after his Mozart solo and says, "Ahhh ... Music, the language of the Gods! This is the only language which binds the separation of life, the space between the stars, the distance between people. The flowing energy of harmonizing sounds is like a spiritual river, taking on different forms and directions, yet always at one with itself. Like the river, music knows no space nor time. Even after the orchestra has played its last note, the song remains in the listener's sour for eternity."
MARV AND HIS BAG OF TRICKS
A monster prances up to the podium and grabs the microphone. The hideous face is grossly distorted as he utters his first words, "Winston Churchill use to confide in me before he made any important decisions during World War II," Marv Levy says as he rips off his Halloween mask. "Any time he had to make an offensive game plan, I would tell him exactly what to do when his troops would get into the Red Zone. My strategy was put to use during the invasion of Normandy, and history bears me out as a great strategist. As you can see, I use these same formulas when the Bills enter the opposition's Red Zone. But for some reason, what worked in 1945 doesn't work in 1996. I just don't understand why my well laid plans do not work anymore!
General Eisenhower used my offensive designs to defeat the Nazis. I use these same plans and can't score against the Patriots! And don't tell me that my offensive planning is outdated! I refuse to accept that! If any player in my starting lineup, whether it is Jim Kelly or Glenn Parker, has a bad game, I will not replace them or trade them like Jimmy Johnson does. I will stand by Jim until he can play no more! Through thick or thin, Jim has produced for us and he will again. Whether he doesn't have a good game for two years or not, that doesn't matter. Winston Churchill once said, during the darkest hours of British history, 'We have come this far, only to be humiliated time and again. We have to employ our famous stiff upper lip and carry on.' General George S. Patton once said to his troops, 'Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.' Mark Twain said, 'Courage is resistance to fear - mastery of fear, not absence of fear.' Then there was Helen Keller, who said, 'Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.' And lastly, some obscure author wrote, 'Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.' All I've got to add is that all this wisdom is meaningless if my players don't perform they way we teach them to.
Next week, I'm going to tell my troops this ditty to get them motivated: 'The dedicated Magician became enlightened when he put his head under a 200 pound rock, while the melancholy paleontologist transmogrified horribly inside the huge cereal bow filled with snakes." That will be as effective as any Churchill maxim for this bunch of morons!"
MARV TALKS TURKEY
Marv skips up to the podium eating a turkey drum stick. As he starts to speak, he starts choking. Jim Kelly uses the Heimlich maneuver on Levy and a big bone flies out of his mouth, hitting Buffalo News reporter Larry Felser square in the forehead. Felser plucks the bone out of his skull. Marv then clears his throat and says, "Larry, I've always had a bone to pick with you. This being Thanksgiving, we have to give our thanks to all those Bills fans who have supported us all these years. I also have to thank my marvelous coaching staff who have also supported me, cerebrally and corporeally. I can recall games I could hardly stand up and, while he was still with us, Walt Corey would always have his toothpick that I could hang on to. But most of all, I am thankful to all the eminent players we've had on this team. Without the Jim Kellys, Andre Reeds, Bruce Smiths, Bryce Paups and Thurman Thomas, we wouldn't have gotten to one Super Bowl, let alone four! And for today's game, I have to give my gratitude to two giant Jumbos for the victory: Jumbo Elliott for a touchdown-saving, bone-head blundering block, and the Jumbo-Tron for blocking the game-tying field goal!
Now that we got all that garbage done with, lets get on with business. St. Francis De Safes once said, ‘Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to do that perfectly.' This is basically what we teach our men before they go to battle. And finally, we instill into our players this ditty by Denis Waitley, ‘Real leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determination." With that, Marv pulled out a cooked turkey, stuck his hand inside and withdrew some stuffing which he promptly hurled into Felser's eye.
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