Marv Levy, tired of the quarterback controversy, starts himself at quarterback. Levy drops back to pass on the first play and is decked by two Jet linemen. He remains unconscious for ten minutes and is taken off on a stretcher. Jim Kelly goes in and promptly throws an interception to a Jet cornerback, who goes 30 yards for the TD. Jimbo throws a record 6 interceptions and winks so much at opposing interceptors that his left eye lid remains shut. After Frank Reich returns home and directs the Jets to a 13-0 lead, Todd Collins comes in (Levy's now in the hospital muttering something about the invasion of Normandy) and throws an 80-yard bomb to Andre Reed.
MARV'S MAXIMS
Larry Felser visits Marv in the hospital after the game. Marv is very groggy and is coming out of his concussion. "Where am I? Who won the game? All I know is I threw a pass and this 280 pound lineman hit me. I'm in a fog as to what happened today. Anyway, I have to get ready for next week's game. Like General Eisenhower said to his troops before Normandy, ‘Half the battle is getting ready for it.' Deep down inside, Mike Ditka is a fine, outstanding gentleman. He just puts on these airs of being a pompous, overweight, red-neck, beer guzzling jerk who can't stand the fact that he no longer coaches the Bears. But thank God he rescued Jimmy from the Falls.
"There has been a lot of controversy this past week over offensive strategy - whether to go 'no-huddle' or not. I've told you guys time and time again that offensive game plans and half-time adjustments are MEANINGLESS! Don't you realize that it is EXECUTION, not well thought out strategies which win football games? You can't seem to get this fact through your thick skulls. Jimbo thinks that he is much more proficient running the no-huddle. BALDERDASH!!! He just doesn't want to learn the conventional offensive system again. I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Jimbo has got to settle down and not think of it as a different offense. It's like the wisdom I passed on to General Eisenhower just before the Allied Forces invaded Normandy: 'Just give your forces one thought to concentrate on, one MOTTO, and go from there. Don't let them think about any alternatives ... keep them focused on one goal and one goal only: VICTORY!'
"Dwight took my advice to heart and look how history turned out. The battle is yet to start, but I feel my troops are armed and ready. But I have to get out of this hospital bed and back to coaching so I can help straighten out Jimbo's head first!"
PTERODACTYL MARV
Marv waltzes into the conference room sporting a baby pterodactyl hat. The baby winged dinosaur flaps his wings a little while Marvin steps up to the podium. "First of all, I want to get one thing off my chest." At that the whole room full of reporters erupted with laughter. "Why don't you get that prehistoric bird off your skull first, then maybe we'll take anything you say with more credence," Larry Felser burst out. With that, Marv took the bird off his head, whispered something in his ear and the pterodactyl suddenly flew like a rocket, landed on Felser's shoulder and took off again, with Felser being hauled into mid-air by the strong-winged reptile. The two of them flew out the window into the sunset, never to be seen again in modern times.
Marv defends Bills Fans
Marv marched to the podium with a duck in his hand. "Today I want to address several matters which have come to light this week. First of all, the subject that KC Coach Marty Schottenheimer touched upon: ‘The handful of people who, no matter where they lived, wouldn't know which end of the day was up.' Where does this guy get off by saying some fans in Buffalo can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have never known one Bills fan to give me a razzing, let alone an obscene gesture. There are no fans in the world as polite and as well behaved as Buffalo fans. I think Marty has been listening to Brian Cox too much.
"Oliver Wendel Homes once said, ‘Man's mind....stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimension.' Now think about that for a moment! Could this mean that the bounds of our minds is perpetuity? Then there was Mark Twain who said, ‘Courage is resistance to fear - mastery of fear, not absence of fear.' This is what I try to instill in my men. Life is a battle field and the first step to victory is to conquer their own emotions.
"And lastly, some obscure author wrote, ‘Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.' Put those two ingredients together and you have a champion."
With that, Marv let the duck loose to fly around the room, causing havoc among the reporters.
MARV'S SCARFS
Marv was wheeled to the podium in a wheel chair. "Now that's it's fashionable to be an invalid like Shula, I shall start this meeting with this question to you reporters: Do you picture me as a prophet of proverb, as I am in these press conferences, or a profane pervert like I am on the sidelines masticating the referees? Your answers will influence my decision on whether to retire and form the Marv's Scarfs Co., or continue coaching until I wane. It is all in your hands Larry Felser, Art Wander, Chuck (you fat gimpy pig)Dickerson, Jerry Sullivan, etc. If all my proverbs, poems, paradoxical passages and dangling participles are etched in your feeble minds forever, then I can continue under Ralph's wing. However, if those four letter words you can lip-read and my obscene gestures over ride all the thought-provoking lectures I have given you, then I ought hang up my skates with the Sabres and start selling scarfs to all you cold Buffalonians." After the vote, Marv was seen at Delaware & Allen peddling his wares.
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