PREDICTION

SARDINES 27

FLUTIES 24

WADE'S WITTICISMS:

"Every game Doug ...um... plays great, ummm... it makes it ... umm .. harder to bench him in favor of Rob Johnson. Golly gee, I lay awake at night thinking about the day I have to bench Flutie. It will be ... ummm...one of the ...um...hardest decision I have ever had to make besides deciding between a Big Mac or a double bacon cheeseburger at McDonalds!"

FLUTIE MANIA:

Flutie Mania has struck deep in the heart of Western New York this week. People everywhere are going crazy over their newest hero, Doug Flutie. People are scarfing down on Flutie flakes, as local supermarkets try to keep up with the huge demand. The Flutie Flakes have become such a hot item that they are now being sold on the black market for $10 a box. Doug Flutie has hired retired Secret Service agents to protect him when he goes out in public. There was a Flutie sighting at a Wegmans recently, and he was mobbed by autograph-seeking fans. One hundred Flutie-crazed fans ripped off pieces of his shirt and pants, and stole his hat as souvenirs. One teenage girl cut a lock of his curly brown hair. Flutie had to run for his life out of Wegmans, where his chauffeur was waiting for him in his stretch limo. It was like Beatle-mania all over again! The driver whisked him away to the friendlier confines of Toronto where he was able to eat in an expensive restaurant in relative peace. Only 25 Toronto Argo fans requested his autograph.

Back in the States, the Republican party is trying to talk Flutie into running for President in 2000 with Jack Kemp being the Vice Presidential candidate. The two clean-cut quarterbacks would make the scandal-shocked American public forget all about Bill and Monica (and a lot of cigar smokers go back to their favorite Honduran stogies). Doug brushes aside all the clamor and attention he's getting by saying, "Gosh, I just want to get past the Dolphins this weekend with a victory! All the Presidential stuff can wait until we win the Super Bowl. In the meantime, we've got to get Rob Johnson healthy so he can start again."

BUTLER'S BUBBLES:

BURST!!#@$&%!!

WADE'S WITTICISMS:

"I was not out-coached by Bill Parcels last week! The players just didn't execute. We had a good game plan, but the Jets threw in several different looks on offense and defense, and the players just didn't adjust. Flutie was held in check by the Jets, and now the Patriots will copy Parcels' scheme to contain Dough when we meet the Patriots on Sunday. Doug is just going to have to adjust. He's a pro and he's my No. 1 main. And no, I'm not starting Rob Johnson next week! Doug will start for the duration. In fact, Doug's brother, Darren, is going so great up in Hamilton in the CFL as a receiver, I'm going to bring him in for a trial. Imagine, if you could, what a combination that would be: Flutie 2 Flutie!"

PLAY OF THE GAME:

During the opening series, the Bills bring in a receiver who looks like the water boy. He's ft. 2, eyes are brown and so is his hair streaming down to his shoulders. His number is 6 and stitched on the back of his jersey is the name Darren Flutie! On the next play, Doug rolls to his right, spots Darren and pitches a lateral pass to his brother, who proceeds to pitch back to Doug, who scrambles back across the field and then throws a bomb to brother Darren who is all alone in the endzone. FLUTIE MAGIC X 2!!!

BUTLER'S BUBBLES:

"Ah tell ya, Van, ah am shore you kin remember during your play-by-play broadcasting of the Jim Kelly years - wasn't he a competitor, though? - ah tell ya, ah am so proud of that fine, young, er, middle-aged man - when Jim went down an' we had ta bring in an outstanding, confident-yet humble, at-that-time young and fine man by the name of Frank Reich. Ah tell ya, Frank had this town in an uproar. Everyone wanted Frank to be the #1 guy, even when Jim was back healthy and ready ta start that second playoff game. Well, sir, that gray-haired rascal Marv refused to go with the "hot hand", much to the chagrin of many of the fine, fine, fans of this city. So when ol' Marvelous Marv starts yapping' these past 2 weeks about "oh, ya gotta go with Flutie, ya gotta start the hot guy," ah tell ya, Van, it just gets me so peeved, ah tell ya. We have all the confidence in the world in Rob...do ya know he's really a fine, lovable, young man? Ah think Marv should just shut his ol' pie hole! Just leave us alone!!! ah AM a great general manager. Ah am! Ah don't care that ah spent all them draft picks an' money on Todd Collins, Billy Joe Gunrack, Rob Johnson, an' they guy makin' the least is the most popular! Why don't YOU try bein' GM for even a week, Marv, ya think yer so dang SMART!!"

Just then, getting bright red in the face, John Butler collapses to the floor, panting for air, and, with no less than a minute until tragedy, Doug Flutie races in, performs CPR, gives mouth-to-chin(s) resuscitation, forces an entire box of Flutie flakes down John's throat (box and all!), and manages to help Butler move his arm so that he can write a check for $25.2 million in the name of "Doug Flutie, Buffalo Bills Number 1 quarterback until the year 2005!

WADE'S WITTICISMS:

"Chuck Dickerson has been all over my case the past two weeks about my coaching abilities. This fat cat and ex-Bills coach doesn't know the difference between a football and a golf ball! If we followed any of his football schemes, we'd be winless now. This loud mouth has as much football expertise as my little finger. He's criticized my naming Doug Flutie the starter for the remainder of the year. Doug earned that promotion. Sure, his play has gone south the past two games, but I have full confidence that he'll rebound and lead us into the promised land. No matter what we do, he'll be criticizing my coaching. Marv Levy put Dickerson in his place a couple years ago. I remember his MAXIM well. Marv came to the podium that day sporting his green elf outfit like he always wore to festive occasions. He told you reporters, 'Chuck Dickerson isn't at all what I said the other night on the Marv Levy show. He isn't a buffoon at all, but a scholarly gentleman. That reference to him as 'Tokyo Rose' was only a little jesting on my part. He has made some idiotic statements on the radio, however. This I can blame on his upbringing. He couldn't help it if he was raised in a pig sty. As for his limp, the sorry sucker stepped on a land min in 'Nam. Give the man credit - he was just trying to save his baloney sandwich he had dropped when he was running from the enemy.' Marv always had a special place in his heart for Chuck. As far as I'm concerned, he's a terrible radio host. He's rude, obnoxious, slanderous and overwhelming. And those are his good points!"

WADE'S WITTICISMS:

Wade goes over to Wade Wilson before the game and gives him a big handshake. "Im proud of you Wade. Not only are you my name sake but you're 39-years old and starting. That shows a lot of courage, especially considering the fact that you're going to be buried alive today! We have a new weapon named Pat Williams and he had 3 sacks in one drive alone last week. And don't forget about Ted Washington and Gabe Northern. I hope to be able to shake your hand after the game and you are in one piece!"

BRUCE'S BRUISED EGO

Bruce Smith suddenly develops a bad knee. After an exam of his knee reveals no damage, Smith undergoes other tests, claiming "it really hurts. I doubt if I can play on Sunday." every test comes up negative. Finally, Smith undergoes a psychiatric exam. It is revealed after that exam that indeed there is a bad bruise, on Bruce's ego! Seems that a lot of people called in to the sports talk shows complaining about his play and the need to get rid of Smith!

ZEBRA STRIPES (Editorial)

Once again, the refs ruled in favor of the hometown team, causing turmoil in the AFC East. Two weeks ago, the refs blew 2 straight plays and handed the Patriots the ball game on a silver platter. Last week, Vinny Testaverde runs a quarterback sneak on 4th and goal and is stopped a foot away from the goal line. However, the head linesman signals touchdown and, after much debate and confusion, the refs decide to "give it to the home team" AGAIN! You want instant replay? Well, this was an instant replay from the week before. Befuddled refs huddle in confusion over a game-winning decision and decide in favor of the home team!

I think Kenneth Starr should shift his investigation away from Bill Clinton and start investigating the NFL officiating! He would have a much better chance to convict! All the evidence is clear as daylight, right there on video tape. Starr doesn't have to rely on inferior audio tape like he does in the Clinton case. It is right there in vivid color, from all possible angles. One Patriot receiver clearly out of bounds when he catches a 4th and 9 pass. Also, even by giving the Pats a completion, they were inches short of a first down. The next play was a Hail Mary play in which the Bills were called for interference. This is the first time in recent history in which an interference was called on a Hail Mary. It simply is never called. If they did call it on those desperate passes, there would always be an interference. And last Sunday, the refs give the Jets a gift when they rule that Testaverde scored on a 4th down quarterback sneak when, in fact, his helmet barely crossed the goal line. If Kenneth Starr starts investigating this mess, he may uncover gambling and ties to the underworld! There are millions of dollars riding on these games, and that's just counting the legal aspect of ti (team revenues, post season play, etc.) when someone digs deep into the situation and checks out all the betting that goes on across the country, there is even more at stake. It is not at all unfeasible to rule out refereeing in this mix. A call here, a call there can affect the entire NFL season!