In the third quarter, Doug Flutie hands off to Antowain Smith, who then throws a lateral back to Flutie. The Bills leprechaun quarterback decides to take off down the right sideline, waltzes past two Dolphin linemen (Trace Armstrong and Darryl Gardener), wiggles his way past safety Brock Marion and then gets into daylight and picks up 32 yards before being forced out of bounds. Flutie runs right into Jimmy Johnson and bowls him over. The two start mixing it up and Flutie brings out a miniature box of Flutie Flakes and forces it down Johnson's mouth, making the Dolphins head coach gag. Jimmy whips out a can of hair spray and sprays Doug right in the face. Right then, 20 Dolphins pile on the brawling celebrities and Flutie squirts out from under the pile and spikes the ball right off Tim Bowen's helmet.
Wade takes the podium after the impressive victory over the Dolphins and decides to use the win as a stepping stone to voice his displeasure about the Buffalo media and the Bills fans.
"This was an important win for us," Wade started. "My players gave it their all and I'm mighty proud of them. They have had to face bigger battles on the home front this year than on the gridiron. This week both Doug Flutie and Bruce Smith had to air their indignation about all the malediction they have received from both the media and the fans. I am simply appalled by all this flak they have received and am even more upset with all the crap you jerks are throwing at me, week in and week out. This MUST STOP INSTANTLY! I will not stand for any more of it!
"You reporters sit smug in your own little world, creating factional stories and myths about me and my players. For all we have achieved these past two years, we don't deserve an ounce of it! If I hear one more word of negativity coming from you buffoons, I will forbid my players from conducting any more interviews. This will be my last post game conference unless you nincompoops start sweet-talking me and my players."
"You can't take a little heat," asked Larry Felser. "You, Doug and Bruce are the biggest babies I'm ever run across in the sporting world. You're in the limelight, so it's part of your job!"
With that, Wade flies off the podium and lands on top of Felser and the two go at it in an even more frenzied display of violence than the Jimmy vs. Doug battle on the field. Wade pulls Felser's wig off and swallows it whole. The bare-headed Felser pins Phillips down and puts a head set on the head coach.
"If you are going to stay the Bills head coach, you should look like one," Felser screams as he holds the head set on Wade's head trying to prevent him from removing it.
Phillips breaks loose from Felser's grasp and jumps back onto the podium. He throws the head set down to the floor and stomps on it, smashing the head set to bits.
"I will never wear a head set, period! No use for it. As for you Felser and the rest of you ignoramuses, this is my last conference or interview EVER! But I must say this: The way the Bills act or play is strictly under my guidance. I have lied to you about demoting Andre Reed. He was demoted, but I changed my mind. So what? It was my call. I have kept you imbeciles from the truth at all times because you are incapable of handling it. Now I don't have to lie anymore, ‘cause I ain't talking to you anymore!"
After saying that, Wade rushes out of the room with tears streaming down his eyes and wailing like a baby.
Copyright © 1999 Wild Bills' Prognostications, all rights reserved
