PREDICTION FOR WEEK 2:
JETS -34
BILLS -17
PLAY OF THE GAME:
Keyshawn Johnson grabs a screen pass from Rick Mira and bows over Ken Irvin as if he were a bowling pin. Johnson then fakes Kurt Schulz out of his shoes and proceeds to race down the field for an 76-yard touchdown. After the play, Johnson describes the Bills secondary by saying, "I haven't had such an easy time of it since my playing days in Junior High! This secondary is pathetic."
WADE'S WITTICISMS:
Wade comes out for the post game press conference sporting a tuxedo and a violin in hand. Behind him comes a string orchestra and they break out into an overture. Wade does a solo on his violin and the crowd of reporters have to wipe tears from their eyes when the song is over.
"I wanted to get some sympathy from you slobs, so I figured I would bring out my old trusty violin ‘Chester' to do the trick. I can see now that it worked and maybe you won't blast me in your articles anymore. This past week was a tough one for me, considering how the Colts demolished us in the opening game and we lost Thurman Thomas for at least 6 weeks. But after tonight's embarrassing loss to the Jets, I need all the sympathy I can get from you S.O.B.s. My job is on the line. Everybody says that I'm too soft on these guys and my training camp was a Club Med.
"Well, I've got news for you. I worked 'em hard and long in training camp and I had them ready for the opening game. I can't help it if they don't perform. Tonight's game is a perfect case in point. I had the perfect game plan to get Flutie and the offense going, but the Jets kept blitzing poor Doug and he had no time to throw. Two mean Jet blitzers were on him two seconds after every snap, and Doug either had to unload it or get sacked. Don't blame me if the offensive line can't hold 'em off Doug! I work with what I've got and I've got squat on the line."
After that statement, Chuck Dickerson, the ex-Bills coach and radio sports-talk host, bellowed out in reply, "Gomer, you're a liar and a fat lard. You are lazy and laid back, and your team takes after you."
"Don't give me that cow dung, you wind bag," Phillips chided back. "All you do is get on my case and John Butler's case all the time. You always want to point the finger at me, when you can't even get a coaching job. You really found your niche by getting that job on that radio sports talk show. You are full of hot air and they let you get away with a lot of crap!"
With that, Phillips leaped out from the podium like a bear and jumped right on top of Dickerson. The two duked it out for 5 minutes with Phillips getting most of the good punches in. Finally, Doug Flutie came to the rescue and broke it up, saying "I'm going to pour some Flutie Fruties all over you two if you don't stop!"
The two monsters of men untangled and Wade said to the scuffed up Dickerson, "So help me, if you ever refer to me as 'Gomer Pile' on your broadcasts or in public again, I'm going to stomp on you like you were an ant!"
"You don't scare me you wishy-washy wanna-be coach," Dickerson said. "If you look like a duck, quack like a duck and waddle like a duck......what does that make you? I just call 'em as I see 'em."
At that moment, Wade retrieved his violin and smashed it over Dickerson's head, causing the flamboyant talk show host to crumble to the ground, not to be heard from again for a week.
Copyright © 1999 Wild Bills' Prognostications, all rights reserved
