BILLS 21
PLAY OF THE GAME:
In a surprise formation, the Eagles start the game with both Doug Pederson and Donovan McNabb at quarterback. With both quarterbacks in shotgun, they take turns getting the snap. In the second quarter, McNabb gets the ball and throws off to Charles Johnson, but Antoine Winfield steals the ball right out of Johnson's hands and burns down the field for a 47-yard touchdown.
Wade comes out for the post game press conference dressed in a purple silk robe with gold dragons on it. When he steps up to the podium, Wade taps the microphone once to see if it's on and says:
"As I mentioned after last week's victory over the Jets, the media helped inspire us to improve our play. By criticizing us with no mercy, our players got upset and decided to play better just to shut you morons up. However, I did take Chuck Dickerson's mean-spirited name-calling to heart. He has no reason to slander me by calling me 'Gomer!' And I invited Chuck here to this conference so that we can settle our differences once and for all."
The stadium security people make the reporters clear the middle of the room and a couple of mats were placed on the floor. In came Chuck Dickerson, wearing a head band and a black silk robe with "The Coach - Who loves you baby!" scrolled on the back in red. Wade jumps off the podium and onto the make-shift wrestling ring and the two giants take off their robes and each have on a Sumo silken loincloth called the mawashi.
While the gyoji (the referee) and two attendants crouch in the dohyo (the ring), the yokozuna (Dickerson) performs the dohyo ceremony with the greatest dignity. After first clapping his hands together to attract the attention of the gods, he extends his arms to the sides and turns palms upward to show he is concealing no weapons. Then at the climax he lifts first one leg to the side high in the air, then the other, bringing each down with a resounding stamp on the ground symbolically driving evil from the dohyo. Then the other yokozuna (Wade Phillips) enters and in turn repeats the ceremony.
The gyoji enters the dohyo with the combatants and calls out the names of each in a specially trained, high-pitched voice. He sings out "WAAAAAAADE" and then "DIIIIICKEEEEERSOOOOON."
The rikishi (the combantants) then squat and face each other in the center of the ring, crouch forward in a "get set" position supporting themselves with their fists on the ground and proceed to glare fiercely at each other. After they repeat the process again and again, for the full four minutes allowed by the rules, the match finally gets under way.
Dickerson takes Phillips and flips him on his back. Before the corpulent sports-talk host has a chance to jump on him, Wade grabs "The Coach" by the ankle and trips him. The slimmed-down Phillips shows incredible speed by being able to get up and pin the bewildered Dickerson. In a matter of seconds, the match is over and Wade gets a huge championship belt which is diamond-studded.
Jumping back up on the podium, Wade says, "It was great to be able to subdue that illiterate obese windbag over there. Look at that loser! He has the nerve to go on his asinine radio talk show and call me ‘Gomer Pile' and play that bovine theme song from that show. That jerk laying there, all curled up and sucking his thumb on the mat, is the same one who has the audacity to ridicule me and my players when we lose. If we win, he takes all the credit for inspiring our effort. Now you can see the REAL Chuck Dickerson cowering down there!"
With that, Phillips walks over to the unconscious Dickerson and puts a wreath of pansies on his head and covers him with a pink blanket which has the words "Biggest loser in Buffalo" written on it. The crowd of reporters go into a frenzy and applaud the victory and actions of the winning coach.
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