Author: Kristie
Rating: PG-13. A few curse words and sexual references, definitely nothing graphic.
Category: Humor
Disclaimers: This story was written for love, not money. Jessie, James, and all other Pokemon characters are the property of Satoshi Tajiri and Nintendo (or, as Jessie thinks of it, James is the property of Jessie, Jessie is her own property, and if you try to say any different she'll whack you over the head with her big mallot.) I don't own anyone else in the story, either, except for Sir Stupton LePuke of Ugington, Sailor Saturn (played by me) Sailor Earth (played by my best friend, RED) and Sailor Sun (played by my other best friend, Dawn.)
WARNING: This story is about Jess and James, but much of it is based on routines from "Monty Python's Flying Circus." So if you're not into Monty Python, you might not get most of the jokes. But, if you're not into Monty Python, I suggest you go to the video store RIGHT NOW and rent some Flying Circus videos! OK, OK, on with the story.
James: Jessie, I'm so hungry!
Jessie: Quit whining!
James: But all we've had to eat for weeks are loopins! We eat loopins, we sleep on loopins! Meowth's choking on loopins!
Jess: Well, here, I'll cook you something. How about some spam, eggs, spam, bacon, spam, spam and cheese?
James: I don't like spam. Don't you have anything without spam in it?
Jess: How about some chicken, ham, spam and pasta?
James: That's got spam in it!
Jess: Not much.
[Meowth spits out the loopins he was choking on.]
Meowth: Look, when we get to the next town, we'll just have to figure out a way to get some money so we can afford to buy something better to eat.
James(whining): Why did they build this town so far away?
Jess: Because if they built it closer, it would be on top of this river we're walking over.
James: No, it's because they're stupid! That's why everybody does everything!
Jess: Hey, you stole that line from Homer Simpson!
Meowth: Look, we're almost there. That sign says, "Now entering Ugington."
James: What kind of a name for a town is that?
Jess: Shh, look! What's that over there on the ground?
Meowth: Looks like a Moltres.
Jess: Let's catch it! Arbok, go!
James: Hey, why won't Arbok attack it?
Meowth: Dat bird is layin awful still.
Jess: Arbok, return!
James: I think that Moltres is...dead.
Meowth: Dat gives Meowth a great idea...
[Soon, Jessie, James and Meowth are standing in front of a giant cage they just built. The Moltres is inside it on a perch.]
Jess: It's for sale, if you want it.
Stupton: Really?! I've been wanting a flying
Pokemon forever. It would be so much
easier to FLY from town to town instead
of riding my Rapidash all over.
Jess: Well, Moltres can be yours for only...
100,000 yen!
Stupton: Well, that's kind of steep, but it's a
really rare Pokemon. I'll take it!
James: Great!
[Stupton hitches the cage to his Rapidash and hauls it away after paying.]
Jess: That was too easy!
James: Can we go into town and eat, now?
Jess: OK, OK!
[Team Rocket is eating at some tables outside of a restaurant called The Chew and Swallow, owned by Dave Barry.]
[After a while,Stupton rides up to them with the
Moltres and he is yelling.]
Stupton: There's something wrong with this
Moltres you sold me!
Jess: What?
Stupton: It's dead!
Jess: It's not dead, it's just sleeping.
Stupton: Oh, really? Well then, wake up! Wake up!
[Stupton shakes the cage and yells.]
Stupton: It's not sleeping! The bird is dead as a
doornail! It's passed on! Gone to meet
its maker...
James: That's just because he's so lively. If we
didn't nail him down, he'd fly away.
Stupton: Look, the bird is DEAD! Stiff as a board!
[Stupton opens the cage, throws the Moltres on the
ground and starts kicking it.]
James: Well, what do you want us to do about it?
Stupton: I want a replacement!
James: We don't have any more Moltres.
Stupton: Well, OK, it doesn't have to be a
Moltres! Any flying Pokemon will do! I
just want to be able to FLY!
[Thinking fast, Jessie picks up a Caterpie that is
crawling by.]
Jess: Here, you can have this.
Stupton: A Caterpie?
Jess: Yes.
Stupton: Can the Caterpie FLY!?
Jess: Well, no...
Stupton: Well, then, it's not a very good
replacement, now, is it?
Jess: Look, we don't have time for this! Que sera
sera. Let the buyer beware.
James: Uh, Jessie, que sera sera means "What will
be will be." The latin phrase for "Let the
buyer beware" is...
[Jessie takes out her fan.]
WHACK!
James: Ow!
Stupton: Why do you hang around her when she hits
you like that?
James: Because, deep down she really cares about
me. I mean, sure, she hit me, but the
wound wasn't MORTAL. Her Maximal goodness
is showing through!
Stupton: I may be Stupton, but even I know that
no one's going to get that Transformers:
Beast Wars reference.
Jess: Who cares? Screw you guys, we're going home!
Stupton: And now you're doing South Park? What's
wrong with y...
Jess: Eh, eh. Screw you. Home.
Stupton: And you're just going to leave with my
money? Why you, you...thieves!
James: We prefer the term "treasure hunters."
Stupton: And NOW you're referencing old Final
Fantasy games? What's with this screwed
up story?
Kristie: I am Sailor Saturn, and I will NOT
tolerate insults to my story!
RED: Yes, and I am Sailor Earth! We'll save you,
Jessie and James!
Dawn: I'm Sailor Sun, and I don't know why I'm
even here. I don't even like Pokemon. I like
Rugrats.
Kristie: Can I borrow your mallot for a minuet,
Jess?
Jess: Sure.
[Kristie whacks Dawn over the head.]
Kristie: Shut up! We're Pokemaniacs! We're NOT
doing Rugrats in this story!
Dawn: Well, like Angelica says, I wanna do things
MY WAY!
RED: Let's stop this bickering! We have to save
James and...my, Jessie, you have some huge
tits!
Jess: Thanks, but where's Sailor Moon? Isn't she
your leader?
RED: Serena's busy. She's whaling on th moon. But
there ain't no whales, so she tells tall
tales. She's whaling on the moon.
Jess: What is it with people stealing lines from
Matt Groeing cartoons today?
James: Well, that one was from Futurama. The last
one was from The Simpsons.
[Suddenly, Ash, Misty and Brock walk up.]
Kristie: Oh, no!
Jess: It's the Twerp Trio!
James: The Dork Squad!
RED: The Loser Patrol!
Dawn: I didn't expect that!
Ash: NOBODY expects the Spanish...I mean, The
Loser Patrol!
Misty: What's going on here?
Stupton: They took my 100,000 yen for this
Moltres, but it's dead! Now, they won't
give me a refund!
Ash: Don't worry, Sir! We'll get your money back
for you! Won't we, Brock?
[Brock is busy staring at a pretty waitress.]
Brock: Yeah, in a minuet, Ash. So, Ma'am, you're
awful pretty. What are you serving today?
Waitress(rolling her eyes): Rice.
RED: EEEEXXXXXTTTTTRRRREEEEEMMMMEEE RICE!
Dawn: Jess, can I borrow your fan for a minuet?
Jess: Sure.
[Dawn whacks RED.]
RED: Ow!
Dawn: If we can't do Rugrats, we're not doing
MST3K, either!
RED: Alright, alright!
[Suddenly, Jar Jar Binks walks up.]
Dawn: Yay! It's Jar Jar!
RED: Woo-hoo!
Kristie: I love you, Jar Jar!
Stupton: You guys like Jar Jar? I think he's
lame.
Kristie: Meowth, I'll give you this nice ball of
string I just so convieniently happen to
have if you go scratch up his face.
[Meowth scratches up Stupton's face. Kristie throws the ball of string to Meowth.]
RED: Don't anyone DARE insult Jar Jar around us!
Jar Jar: Meesa Jar Jar Binks. Whatsa you guys
doin?
Dawn: Oh, nothing, Jar Jar...what is that you're
holding, there?
Jar Jar: Oh, dis? Dissa biiig gun me gots from
Otoh Gunga...Lemme jes see how it work...
[Jar Jar accidentally fires an explosion right where Stupton, Ash, Misty and Brock are standing. The four of them blast off.]
Ash, Misty and Brock: Looks like the Loser Patrol
is blasting off again!
[Dave Barry comes out of his restaurant.]
Dave: What was all that noise? Has there been a
dangerous Pop-Tart related toaster fire out
here?
Kristie: No, everything's fine.
Dave: Alright, Alert Reader! Call me if you hear
any good booger jokes! Or if you'd like to
send me some money!
Kristie: Actually, I DO have a joke I made up.
It's not a booger joke, but...
Dave: OK, let's hear it!
Kristie: What is the name of a quantum physicist's
favorite porno movie?
Everybody: What?
Kristie: The double slit experiment!
RED and Dave: Ha ha!
Everybody else: Huh?
Kristie: My Gods, people, read a book.
RED: Well, anyways, I'm glad the Twerp Trio
blasted off. Throughout all my struggles,
one thing has remained clear. I hate those
guys. Especially Misty. I hate her the most.
Jess: Look, The Dork Squad blasted off, but
Pikachu's still here!
RED: I'll grab him for you, Jess!
[RED and Kristie grab Pikachu and hand him over to Jessie and James.]
Pikachu: Pika, pika pi. Pikachu.
Meowth: Pikachu just thanked RED and Kristie for
liberating him from the Dork Squad. He
says he hated that loser, Ash.
[Jessie and James hug, hold hands, and dance around singing, "We finally captured Pikachu!"]
Dawn: Hey, where'd Jar Jar go?
RED: I don't know, but we've got trouble! Here
come Butch and Cassidy!
Butch and Cass: Prepare for trouble!
[All of a sudden, for no reason, Butch and Cassidy explode.]
Kristie: Butch and Cassidy exploded!
RED: Yes, and it's a good thing, too.
Kristie: But he had such cute hair!
RED: Oh, don't be so sentimental, Sailor Saturn,
things explode every day.
Dave: I'll say! I can write a column about this
that will be even better than my column
about the cow that inexpliciply exploded!
[Calvin and Hobbes walk up.]
Hobbes: That's good to hear. Since we retired,
you're the only good thing in the news
paper any more, Dave.
Dave: Well, I think...
Calvin: Hey! I haven't got time to listen to every
crackpot with an ignorant opinion! I'm a
busy man, I've got things to do! I say
agree with me or shut up!
[Hobbes looks exasperated. He and Calvin walk away.]
[Jessie and James start hugging again, yelling.]
Jess and James: Alright! What a great day! The
Loser Patrol blasted off, we got
Pikachu, AND Butch and Cassidy
exploded!
Kristie: And I got all the Chaos Emeralds!
RED: I need to borrow your fan again, Jess.
Jess: OK.
[RED whacks Kristie.]
RED: If we can't do Rugrats or MST3K, we're not
doing Sonic the Hedgehog!
Kristie: How about Mortal Kombat?
Dawn and RED: I'll allow it.
Kristie: Friendship!
[Kristie makes a snowman, RED makes a rainbow appear between her hands, and Dawn takes out a mirror and looks into it.]
Jess: James, I'm so happy! We should celebrate
this occasion by having some hot sex!
James: WHAT?!
Jess: James, I never told you before, but...I
love you! I always tried to hide it by
hitting you or insulting you, but that's
just because I was always afraid to admit
to myself that I've always been in love
with you!
James: I love you, too, Jessie! But what made you
choose this particular moment to finally
tell me?
Jess: Because, if I didn't tell you now, then how
would Kristie justify putting this fanfic
on her Rocketshipper page?
James: Oh, OK. Well, I don't care why you told me,
I'm just glad you did.
Jess: Oh, James!
[Jessie and James kiss passionately.]
[Suddenly, Xena, Gabby, Joxer and Ares walk up.]
Xena: I couldn't help but overhear you. Your
candid display of emotions has inspired me
to finally admit to Gabby that I love her...
as more than a friend.
Gabby: Oh, Xena, I feel the same way!
[Xena and Gabby leave to go have sex.]
Joxer: I know I'm stupid like always for even
saying this, but now I feel I just have to
say that I love you, Ares.
Ares: I love you, too, Joxer. You may be clumsy,
but you sure are cute!
[Joxer and Ares leave to go have sex.]
[Link walks up with Princess Ruto.]
Link: Well, after all that, I guess I have to tell
you that I love you, Ruto. I don't care
anymore that you're a Zora and I'm a Hylian.
I was waiting for Zelda to love me, but I've
finally realized it will never happen. I've
saved that bitch's life countless times,
and she still won't even kiss me!
Ruto: Of course you love me, you're my future
husband. Now, if you're a real man you'll
take responsibility and carry me over to
Ugington City Hall so we can be married
right now.
Link: OK, whatever you say, love!
[Link carries her off so they can get married.]
[Locke and Celes show up.]
Locke(pointing at James): Hey, there's the guy who
stole my treasure hunter line!
Celes: Oh, forget about him, Locke. Let's just go
back to our hotel room and I'll give you a
fantasy...but it won't be the final one.
Locke: OK!
[Locke and Celes leave to go to thier hotel.]
James: Is that it? Is anyone else going to walk
by? Or can Jessie and I leave to go have
our hot sex now?
Kristie: Yeah, I think that's it. Go ahead, you
two.
[Jessie and James walk off. James is singing.]
James: I'm from Team Rocket
And I'm OK!
I sleep all night,
I make trouble all day.
I steal Pokemon,
I skip and jump,
I like to carry wild roses
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around doing poses!
I'm from Team Rocket
And I'm OK
I sleep (with Jess) all night
I cause trouble all day.
I steal Pokemon,
I wear high heels,
And a bikini top,
I wish that you could see it,
But in the U.S. they skipped that ep!
Jess: Oh, James, and I thought you were so butch!
James: No, Butch is from the other Team Rocket
duo. I'm James.
Jess: And I'm sure glad you are. I can't stand
that guy's voice!
James: I'll love you forever, Jess.
Jess: I'll love you forever, too, James.
Dawn: Well, I guess everything worked out great!
Kristie: Yeah, you said it, Sailor Sun! James
finally got Lucky Lucky! And no, I will
never get tired of that joke!
RED: Everything worked out except for one thing,
Sailor Saturn.
Kristie: What's that, Sailor Earth?
RED: "Top" doesn't rhyme with "ep."
Kristie: Where's Jessie with her mallot when you
need it?
Dawn: Looks like the Neo-Sailor Scouts are signing
off again!