Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...

Jessie: “Hey! What are you insinuating? That we live in Hicksville or something? We aren’t far away from anything! Where we are is the epitome of civilization! You’re the far away one, not us!”

Ummmm… once upon a time, in a land not too far from here…

James: “But if you’re the Narrator, shouldn’t you be in that land with us so you know what’s going on? If you were somewhere else, how could you accurately narrate anything?”

Okay, once upon a time, in Pokémon land…

Meowth: “Huh? Ain’t dere pokémon everywhere?”

Oh, where is my prozac… Let’s just start the story, ok?

Jessie: “Hmph, finally.”

Meowth: “Took ya long enough!”

James: “I want a donut!”

It was a bright, sunny Tuesday, and Jessie, James, and Meowth were on the trail of a certain pesky Pikachu...

“Ah! What a wonderful Tuesday!” James exclaimed cheerfully while sniffing his rose. “Can’t we just take the day off and get some relaxation? Pikachu will still be there tomorrow!”

“Trout.” Jessie said, and kept going.

“Huh?” said James. “What about trout? Are there trout around here? Oooo! I just love a good barbecue!”

Jessie responded by whacking him with her fan. “Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.”

“Hey! Look youse guys! I think I see Pikachu an’ da brats!” Meowth called from up ahead.

“Great!” Jessie said enthusiastically. “This time our brilliant plan can’t fail! The Pikachu will be ours!” She then proceeded to execute her Evil Laugh™, but was rudely cut off by the beeping of her cellular videophone. She growled angrily and flipped it open, grumbling to herself. “This had better be good…”

“Jessie, James, report back to Headquarters at once! I have a new assignment for you.”

Jessie involuntarily straightened. The Boss! “Yes Boss, but-“

The Boss had already hung up. Jessie sighed and called Meowth back.

“I hope he doesn’t have us on janitorial duty again!” James whined. “I couldn’t bear it!”

“Shut it James. Meowth, where did you park the balloon?”

It took them a while, but Team Rocket finally reported back to HQ. They were summoned to the Boss’ office as soon as they got there.

Jessie and James stood at attention, waiting for the Boss to speak. He was sitting with his chair turned away from them (as usual), looking at something on a monitor. Several minutes passed, and at last the Boss turned, his Persian crouched in his lap.

“Your new mission is difficult, but there is always the hope that through sheer dumb luck you might succeed. All my other operatives have already been killed in attempting to capture this new pokémon…” As one, Jessie and James gulped. “Here are the mission’s specifics.” He handed a piece of paper to Jessie. “I don’t have to tell you to do well… if you somehow fail to capture the pokémon, yet come back alive…” Through the shadows, Giovanni’s mouth twisted into a cruel smirk. He didn’t have to finish the sentence. Jessie and James nodded violently and gave a bunch of mumbled ‘yessirs’, then bolted out of there.

Far away in a dismal little cave just north of the 32nd annual ‘Barney on Ice’ extravaganza, a dark shape sat and brooded. Yes, soon it would make it’s move… soon the world would know the terror that was…it! (What, you didn’t expect me to reveal what the thing was yet did you?)

END PART NUMERO UNO!!!!

When will we learn what this new pokémon is? Will Ash-tachi even make an appearance? Will Jessie and James finally declare their screamingly obvious love for each other? Will Meowth finally beat his string addiction? Will Togepi and Pikachu finally square off in a fight to the death? Find out the answers to these questions and more in…EVIL PLOTS PART TWO! Luckily you won’t have to wait that long for it.

Jessie and James stood at the entrance to the small, dismal cave, arms around each other and shaking in terror.

How did they find the place so quickly? Where did Meowth go? Why are they so terrified when they haven’t even entered the cave yet?

The world may never know.

“J-Jessica?”

“Yes James?”

“Whoever said that beauty doesn’t last must have been talking about us!”

“You already tried that one, James.”

“Oh.”

They held on to each other for a little bit longer, then slowly, in unison, stepped into the cave.

The Creature sat in wait. It watched the pair enter the cave, then slowly stood, insane black eyes glinting in the moonlight.

“EEEP!” Team Rocket squealed.

“What is that thing?!”

“I’ve never seen a pokémon like that before!”

“It can’t be a pokémon! C-creatures like that thing don’t exist!”

That’s right, the creature is not a pokémon! It is none other than…

ROLF, THE CRAZY RUSSIAN PANDA!

Rolf unslung his Bazooka and aimed at Team Rocket.

James turned to Jessie and grabbed her hands.

“Jessica?”

“Yes James?”

“I figure now that we’re going to die and all, it would be a good time to tell you…”

“Y-yes James?”

“I….I….”

James froze. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell her, even as they were about to be killed by a Crazy Russian Panda with a Bazooka!

He felt Jessie smack him over the head.

“TELL ME ALREADY!”

“I love you Jessie!”

Her eyes got all wobbly. “R-really? I love you too James!”

“Oh Jessie!”

“Oh James!”

Oh please.

“Shut up, you! Can’t you see we’re having a tender moment here?” Having said this, Jessie and James promptly fell to the floor and started making out.

The panda cleared his throat uncomfortably and shifted from foot to foot. The make-out session was getting wilder, and Rolf started sweating.

“Awlright, Meowth is in da house!”

Rolf turned gratefully to receive his new adversary, who was standing at the entrance to the cave. Meowth glanced at the two humans in the corner and made exaggerated gagging motions. The two monsters shared a good chuckle before they started fighting with great vigor. Meanwhile, Jessie had managed to catch a glimpse of what was going on.

“Oof! James- we’re supposed to be catching that thing, and Meowth is hogging all the glory!”

James glanced over his shoulder at the fighting pokémon- (ok, one was a pokémon, the other was a Crazy Russian Panda bent on world domination, but we’ll refer to them both as pokémon for convenience and efficiency) er…where was I? Oh yes, James glanced over his shoulder at the fighting pokémon, then glanced back down at the now-even-more-underdressed-than-usual-Jessie, and shrugged.

“Who the hell cares?” He then went back to what he was doing.

Jessie smacked him and jumped up, growling.

“I’m not letting a crazy Russian panda take over the world before we do! Arbok, g-…….JAMES!”

She kicked at James, who was kissing her feet furiously.

“Stop that! And where are my pokéballs?? They must’ve fallen off! FIND THEM JAAMMEESS!”

James, now desperate not to die a virgin, started crawling around on his hands and knees, searching for his and Jessie’s pokéballs.

“Jess-ssieeeeee!” He whined. “I can’t find anythiinnng! Please can’t we just-“

“NO!”

He grumbled to himself and kept looking.

“Toge! Briiiiiiii!” (I’m cuter than you are!)

“Pi, pikachu! KA PIKA!” (No way! I’M THE CUTEST!)

“Gee, I wonder what they’re talking about!” Ash said, cluelessly cheerful as always.

“Those two sure like each other!” Brock added.

“Hee hee!” said Misty. “They’re so cute!”

“Chu pika pika?” (But I’m the cutest, right?)

“What’s Pikachu saying, Ash?” Misty asked.

“He says that I’M the greatest pokémon trainer ever! Ha ha!”

“Ka! Chu pikapika pi!” (Hey girl! Sock that idiotic piece of tofu for me!)

“BRI! Toge-bri, to, toge!” (No one orders orange-hair girl around except for me! She’s MY slave!)

“Kachu Pi. PIKACHU CHU PIKACHU!” (All right then. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A BATTLE!)

“Breeebree to-gi ge-bruheeeee?” (Winner gets the other’s slave?)

“Chu.” (Right.) Pikachu thought for a moment, then smiled an evil little smile that only pathetically cute creatures can execute. “Pi-ka-chu.” (Fight to the death.)

“Briiiiiiiiiiiiiii-EEEEEEEEE!” (You’re on, little yellow bastard!)

The two demons circled each other- okay, Pikachu circled, Togepi sort of flopped around. Misty, Ash, and Brock stood around and scratched their heads.

“Gee, I wonder what they’re doing?”

“Pikachu kapi, chu-ka-aa!” (You’re going to be a scrambled egg, little twerp!)

“To-ge-PI!” (Cuteness glare!) Togepi’s eyes started glowing hot pink. Pikachu froze for a moment, then shook it off.

“Pi-ka! Ka pi chu chu! Pika CHUUUU!” (Ha ha! You should know that cuteness has no effect on me! Thunder SHOCK!) Pikachu’s little red cheeks crackled with electricity as the mouse blasted the egg pokémon.

By now, Misty and Brock had figured out what was going on. Ash was still scratching his head.

“Pikachu! Togepi! Please stop!” Misty screeched. Then she turned to Ash and proceeded to beat him to a pulp. “Your stupid Pikachu is hurting Togepi!”

Togepi was a little charred, but more determined than ever.

“Toge toge! Pi pi pi!” (My slave can beat up your slave, ha ha ha!)

“Pikachu!” (….no translation) Pikachu gave his opponent another thundershock.

“TOGEPI!” (Tackle attack!) Togepi drew it’s squishy body into it’s eggshell and through some force of will, hurled itself at Pikachu.

“PIKACHU!” (Agility!) The mouse dodged the flying egg.

Togepi landed against a rock. The little egg began to shake and it’s eyes started glowing.

“TOOOOOOOOOOOOGEEEEEPIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!” (OMLETT BLAST!)

Togepi exploded, splattering acidic yellow globules of yolk everywhere. Pikachu, Ash, Misty, and Brock were vaporized in the blast.

“Meeeee-OWth! You’re a pretty tough Panda, but Meowth’s tougher! Furyswipes!” Meowth was mauling Rolf the Crazy Russian Panda. Yes, it was true, Meowth was actually winning.

James had just given up his search for the pokéballs and was now kissing up to Jessie.

“Come on baby, whaddya say we go back to my place and have a donut?”

“Not now James! I have to find Arbok!”

In a rare moment of decisiveness and sheer desperation, James hurled himself at Jessie and in a couple moments they were making out on the ground again.

Meowth stopped his barrage of attacks to gag, and Rolf the Crazy Russian Panda took advantage of his hesitation to whack him over the head with his bazooka. Meowth was instantly knocked unconscious.

Rolf turned back to the two humans, but had to avert his eyes. He waited around for a while, hoping that when they’d finally finished with each other he could blow them both to kingdom come, and continue with his plot to take over the world.

They didn’t finish.

Rolf was getting tired. It had been a long day. He’d never done any math, but he was willing to bet that Jessie and James had been going at it for at least five hours.

It was enough to make a Crazy Russian Panda puke.

In fact, he had puked…several times.

But then, he’d found himself getting into it.

Yes, Rolf had been corrupted. He was now a pervert.

Geez, that James had stamina. He watched with rapt attention, and even found himself wishing he had some popcorn. In fact, he forgot all about his plots for world domination and found he had the incredible urge to get a TV, a VCR, and a couple of movies.

He also wanted to order a pizza.

Team Rocket had saved the world.

Not long after Rolf fell asleep, Jessie and James left the cave, hopped a plane to Hawaii, and got married. Rolf lived out the rest of his days watching porno movies and eating bad Chinese food. Meowth had gone into a coma after being whacked on the head, and twenty years later he woke up and was promptly eaten by a senile Rolf who thought he was a wonton. Ash-tachi’s remains were absorbed into the yellow yolk globules left by Togepi, and they all merged into a new carrot-pokemon named Gertrude.

Gary and Giovanni eventually got married.

Dr. Oak married all of the Nurse Joys.

Officer Jennys everywhere snapped and took over the world.

The End