It was bound to happen eventually. "So...you don't plan on ever evolving?" asked Vaporeon.

"Evolving is for losers," Meowth replied. "And I'm a winner!" He then realized what his current one night stand/girlfriend was. "I mean...uhhh--kkkk!" he choked as he found himself lying on the ground and Vaporeon's paw pressed against his throat in the bad way.

"Care to make a little wager?" she asked.

"Please don't hurt me..."

"Why are we here?" asked James, looking at one of those random pokemon battlefields that happened to be in the middle of nowhere.

"We're supposed to be catching Pikachu!" snapped Jesse, whacking Meowth upside the head with a paper fan.

"Vaporeon and I are going to see if a group of unevolved pokemon can beat a group of evolved pokemon," Meowth explained. "Just a little friendly competition."

"Mmm, that's healthy," muttered James.

"Dis from da person who last night tried to prove dat he could fit more hershey's kisses in his mouth dan Jesse?"

"Tried nothing!"

"Is this why you stole our pokeballs?" asked Jesse.

"Yes," said Meowth.

"You idiot, we evolved our pokemon!" snapped Jesse.

"We're not losers like some people," added James.

Meowth fury swiped them. "I stole dem for Vaporeon!" he said.

Jesse and James glared at each other. "You've never stolen anything for me!" they said. "Not that I want you to."

"Pika pika!" called Pikachu. He was carrying an armful of pokeballs.

"Good woik, Pikachu!" said Meowth. "Now our team should be ready!"

"Chuu!" agreed Pikachu, dropping the pokeballs, then tapping the release buttons on them. Vulpix, Geodude, Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Staryu, and Psyduck emerged.

"Ha! You don't stand a chance!" laughed Vaporeon, jumping into the arena.

"Here are Jesse and James' pokemon," said Meowth, handing her three pokeballs. Jesse and James themselves had decided to wander off, either to go shopping or behind some bushes. Either way they'd be gone for a few hours.

"Thank you, dear," Vaporeon replied. "Now release them."

"Yes ma'am."

Pikachu smacked himself in the forehead. This was not a good sign.

Meowth looked at Vaporeon, who was smirking quite a bit for someone who currently had only Arbok, Weezing, and Victreebell on her side. "You're pretty confidant," he said.

"I brought some family along," Vaporeon explained. Two shadowy figures leapt out. "This is my brother, Jolteon, and my sister, Flareon."

"Luneon!" added a third disgruntled eevee evolution, scampering over to Vaporeon's side.

Vaporeon, who had a strong dislike for eevees, flareons, and especially jolteons, had a strong dislike for Allison's rare, cute, and highly ineffective luneon. "Shouldn't you be with Allison?" she asked.

"Luneon!" said Luneon.("I'm an evolved pokemon!")

"Fine. It's team conference time." She and her group walked over to the side of the arena. "Arbok, Weezing, I just want you to know that Meowth has said some very nasty things about Jesse and James."

"Chhharrrbok!"("I'll kill him!")

"Weezing?"("Where did Jesse and James go?")

Victreebell shrugged. "Eeee? Viiii tree."("Who cares? They both suck.")

"Chhharrrrrbokkk!" screamed Arbok, lunging at Victreebell.

"Pikachu and Meowth have both said that evolution stones are for pathetic wimps," Vaporeon continued. "And I overheard the vulpix saying that her fire power is superior to anyone else's. But who cares, right? Just attack whoever's weak against you."

"Let's get dis started!" called Meowth.

"He called Jesse an ugly bitch dyke and James the ultimate fairy queen," Vaporeon quickly whispered to Arbok and Weezing. "He also said that you're never going to be able to breed them, so you should stop trying."

"Charrrbok!"

"Weezing!" Meowth soon found himself surrounded by a cloud of smoke and Arbok's coils.

"Chhaaaarrrbok!"("Jesse's beautiful!")

"Weezing!"("Stop calling James a fairy queen!")

"Chhhaarrrbok!" hissed Arbok, tightening his grip as Weezing groaned, "Wee-zing!" and spit a pile of sludge onto Meowth.("And we are going to breed them!")

"Huh?" said Meowth.

Arbok and Weezing paused for a moment of wobbly eyed glee. "Chhhaaaaarrrrbokkk," said Arbok.("Then we can train our Jessames and teach it its attacks...")

"Weezing..."("Whine, shriek...")

"Chaarbok..."("Fan slap, crossdress...")

Meanwhile, Jolteon and Flareon were glaring at Squirtle and Bulbasaur. "Bulba! Bulbasaur!" snapped Bulbasaur.("I still say evolution stones are for wimps!") Squirtle nodded.

"Jolll," said Jolteon.("Filthy first forms.") He thunderbolted Squirtle while Flareon flamethrowered Bulbasaur. Both filthy first forms naturally collapsed.

"Geodude," snapped Geodude from behind them.("I agree with them.") Flareon and Jolteon turned just in time to see Geodude's rock throw attack.

"Nice try," said Vaporeon, using surf. The wave not only took out Geodude, but also Vulpix, who had just embered Victreebell.

Pikachu looked around him, frowning. His team didn't seem to be doing especially well. Vaporeon had lost Flareon and Jolteon with Victreebell mostly gone, but he'd lost Geodude, Vulpix, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur, and was in danger of losing Meowth now that Abrok and Weezing had put aside their plans of trainer breeding. "Hyaaa!" said Staryu.("Maybe we should try trainer breeding...")

"Psy?" asked Psyduck.("Where am I and why does my head hurt?")

"Hyaaa!" snapped Staryu.("Your stupid head always hurts!")

Pikachu wrinkled his nose. "Pikachu pikapika."("The last thing we need is an Ashty.") Staryu shrugged. "Pikaaa."("You're safe though--they only had one electric pokemon.")

"Dat's because Vaporeon hates electric pokemon!" shouted Meowth.

"Chhhhhaaaarrr?"("Did we say you could speak?")

"Oww!! No more poison sting!"

Weezing rolled all four of its eyes. "Weezing."("It doesn't even hurt.") Weezing naturally maintained this opinion because, as a poison pokemon, poison sting meant as much to him as a double slap from a level five clefairy would mean to an onix.

"Bok."("Crybaby.")

"Yes it does! And it doesn't help dat your stupid impotent trainers made it dirt--aaaaughh!!" Meowth then learned that Weezing didn't take kindly to people who referred to his trainer as impotent.

"Weezing," it said to Arbok.("Move.")

Arbok did, giving it and strange look and dropping Meowth.

Once Arbok was a relatively safe distance away, Weezing demonstrated his knowledge of "explosion." Like most explosions, he was the only one killed, but Meowth was at least badly hurt.

"Hyaaah!" shouted Staryu, tackling Arbok.("Water pokemon always have the advantage over poison pokemon!")

"Luneon!" said Luneon gleefully.("And psychic pokemon always have the advantage!") She bit Staryu, then used her confusion attack. Staryu staggered briefly, then collapsed. "Neeee!" she squealed.("I beat someone!") She started doing the best victory dance something that couldn't walk upright could do. "Neee neee nee!"("Allison'll be so happy!") Pikachu gave her an especially strong kick that sent her flying right into Psyduck. Luneon tried to get up, then collapsed again. Since Psyduck was hit in an area other than the head, he shook it off and wandered off to look for a nice pond to swim in. Pikachu and Meowth didn't bother to stop him.

Vaporeon sighed. "Yes, Allison certainly will be proud," she said.

"Chuu!" Pikachu shouted, giving Arbok a good thundershock that naturally caused the snake pokemon to faint.("Stupid bitch!")

Vaporeon started to have very bad feelings about this whole thing as she realized that she and Pikachu were the only ones left. "Ha," she laughed. "I'm not afraid of you. A raichu, maybe..."

"Piiikaaaa!" snarled Pikachu.("I've got bigger thunderstones than any raichu!")

The other pokemon were starting to open their eyes, mostly just to watch the final showdown since most of them couldn't move if they wanted to. "Loo," said Luneon weakly. ("Vaporeon?")

"What?" asked Vaporeon. She of course kept her eyes on Pikachu since Luneon had been the one to go down after one good kick.

"Luneeeon..."("I can try sing...")

Vaporeon and Pikachu both tried not to laugh. Luneon's singing was even less effective as an attack than Clay and Allison's tape of backwards Cleopatra songs. "Don't bother. I think this is going to be our final stand off, right, rat?"

Pikachu's eyes narrowed. Sparks of electricity started to radiate from him while Vaporeon opened her mouth and a glowing ball of ice began to form. Meowth, realizing that Vaporeon didn't stand a chance once Pikachu sent several thousand volts of electricity into her, stumbled to his feet and managed to throw himself between the two. "Pika?" said Pikachu, sounding confused.

Meowth turned...he could see Vaporeon smiling down at him. "You really do care," she sighed. "And you were right--there's no way an evolved pokemon stands a chance without a big, manly perfect original state pokemon like you. How can I ever thank you?"

"Oh, I can think of a way," said Meowth before picking her up and carrying her off into the sunset.

This was all in Meowth's head of course, because when he looked down he saw a hole in the ground. "You don't know dig!" he screeched.

"Kaaa!" screamed Pikachu as he was hit by the full force of dig.

"I don't?" asked Vaporeon.

"No!" snapped Meowth. "Your four moves are bite, acid armor, surf, and ice beam!"

"I have a good memory," said Vaporeon. "Besides, Arbok and Weezing know more than four moves."

"I still say you cheated," Meowth replied.

"What about you? You betrayed your own team!" Her smug smile returned. "I think I even saw you glow a bit..."

Meowth started turning red. "Dat's a lie!"

"You'll evolve someday," Vaporeon continued. "Just like Arbok and Weezing will get Jesse and James to breed and Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan think they'll get Clay and Allison to breed."

"Uhm...isn't dat--"

"Impossible?" Vaporeon burst out laughing. "Arbok and Weezing might be hopeless romantics, but those two dumb jocks on my team will just be happy if they can get a successful mating. And knowing those two deperate humans, all it'll take is rare candy in their food. They might even put it there themselves..." Vaporeon shuddered and began wishing that she had never needed to question human sexuality.

"Well, we may not have settled anything, but at least we have--"

Vaporeon's eyes lit up. "What?" she asked.

"Da knowledge dat single form pokemon suck ass!"

Vaporeon sighed. "I think I just learned rage," she muttered.

"Pika-pi," Pikachu weakly agreed with Meowth.

"Onix!"

"Licki!"

"Monlee!"

"Monchan!"

Meowth, Pikachu, and Vaporeon soon found themselves surrounded by the single form pokemon they knew. "Onix!" groaned Onix, starting to circle around them.

Vaporeon yawned. "Oh please," she said. "I could just spit on you and you'd be out like a light."

Onix flushed, but backed off none the less. "Lickitung!" snapped Lickitung.

"Freak," muttered Meowth. Lickitung grabbed him with its tongue and slammed him into the ground several times.

Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan, meanwhile, were glaring down at Vaporeon. Vaporeon sighed. "What? It's not my fault you two aren't smart enough to evolve." The two fighting fiends went into a huddle, trying to decide if a kick or a punch would be more effective.

"Hitmon hitmonchan?" said Hitmonchan. ("Mega kick?")

Hitmonlee shook its head. "Lee mon."("Thunder punch.")

"Hitmonchan!" screamed Hitmonchan, lunging towards Vaporeon.

"I wouldn't do dat if I were you," said Meowth. Hitmonchan turned and saw Meowth holding his claws very threateningly over Hitmonlee. "Your little kicking fiend friend is strangely weak against slash."

"Lee..." whimpered Hitmonlee.

Hitmonchan sighed and backed off. "Hitmon mon monchan," it said.("Let's just go home.")

"Mon..."("But...")

"Chan! Hit hit mon!"("Forget it! We can punish the frail blue dog later!")

Vaporeon's ears flattened against her head. "Frail blue dog?" she asked.

"Pika pikachu!" Pikachu said cheerfully.("Well, that was easy!")

Meowth looked at Vaporeon, hoping she would somehow manage to stand up, throw herself into his arms, and sigh, "Thank you for saving me, you great big hunk of meowth!" He was naturally disappointed when she yawned and said, "I'm tired. I'm going home."

"So who won?" asked James. He and Jesse were seated on the couch with one of their nearest and dearest friends--a three pound bag of M&M's. They were currently trying to see if Jesse could toss an M&M into James' mouth while learning that Jesse's aim was pretty bad too. "Ow!"

"Stop talking," said Jesse. "And stop moving too..."

"It was a draw," said Meowth. "Here are your pokemon."

"Just put them on the table," said Jesse.

"Ow!"

"Oh, quit whining. It's just your eye. You've got another perfectly good one. Here, I'll try without looking..."

"Jesse, could we at least get Plain M&M's?"

"No. I'm used to throwing peanut." Jesse turned. "Why do you let that stupid vaporeon order you around?"

"What?" screeched Meowth.

"A flareon, sure, but a vaporeon?"

"Vaporeons are much bett--ow!" screamed James as another M&M hit him.

"That time it was deliberate," said Jesse.

"She doesn't order me around!" said Meowth.

"You're completely whipped," said James.

Meowth gave him a disparaging look. "You're one to talk," he muttered. "But at least I learned something."

"I learned something too," said James, shielding his face. "Jesse's aim sucks!"

James took another M&M to the cheek for insolence. "I learned dat single form pokemon really do suck and dat we should kill dem, kill dem all!" Meowth took several M&M's to the general face area. "Except for your lickitung who already tried to break every bone in my body and for the most part suceded."

Jesse smiled proudly, then closed the bag of M&M's and used it to whack Meowth upside the head. "If you ever lay a paw on any of my pokemon again, I'll break the bones they don't!"

James smirked at Meowth. "Now who's whipped?"