Zelda: That's right, possums! Your favorite derranged moron is going to be interviewing our favorite Rockets!(Jon Stewart style turn to face camera from a different angle)Only what our interviewees don't know is that unlike those other fan interview sites out there, we've drugged all the food! Now, let's meet our guests!

(TR enters)

Jesse: Look, James, it's that little spaz we left to rot in Rock Tunnel.

James: I wonder how she got out...

Zelda: I jumped a hiker and stole his flashlight. He caught up to me a few feet later and beat me within an inch of my life.

James: Uh-huh.

Jesse: Mmm.

Meowth: Whateva.

Zelda: But enough about me...how 'bout some food...we've got rare, delicious oranges...and Lucky Charms!

Jesse: What are these?(pulls a large and conspicuous piece of rare candy out of the Lucky Charms)

Zelda: That's the new marshmallow shape...circles! They're magically delicious!

Jesse, James, and Meowth: Circles?

Zelda: You know, after getting out of Rock Tunnel, I met this charming little boy by the name of Todd...are you familiar with his work?

Jesse: (glares at Meowth)Unfortunately, yes...

Zelda: Well, you'd be amazed what good old "Snap," as they call him, can take pictures of...(laughs)He's got a few really...I don't know how he took them, but you should probably sue him over these ones Jesse...

Jesse: What do you mean a few?

James: There's more? Yes!!(makes peace sign, then notices that Jesse's within hearing range)I mean, let's stop that sick little bastard!

Zelda: Now eat your Lucky Charms. And oranges...nothing is quite as beautiful as the rare orange..

(Jesse, James, and Meowth all stare at her with visions of straight jackets dancing in their heads)

Jesse: Why are we here?

James: Do you hate us?

Meowth: At least dere's free food!(starts eating Lucky Charms)

Zelda:( lighting darkens)Eexxcellent...everything is falling into place...(lighting returns to normal)So, how's it feel to lose to Ash "I don't know what a carnivore is" Ketchum every single day?

Jesse: You don't understand! He has these strange powers...

James: He couldn't lose if he was tied in a burlap sack and fed to the tentacools off the coast of Fuschia City!

Zelda: Nice metaphor.

Jesse: We're planning to actually do it once we get the chance.

Meowth: Is dat really a metaphor?

Zelda: Quiet you. I'm an American. I can change grammar rules whenever I want to. Now, moving on to obvious question #2, if you could be any tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Jesse and James: What?

Zelda: It's not that hard a question.

Jesse: Don't you idiots normally ask things like, "Are you doing anything tonight?" or "What's with the crossdressing?"?

Zelda: You want me to ask that?

Jesse: I think I'd like to be a pine tree, so my radiant beauty would be apparent all year long.

Meowth: And the painful needles.

Jesse: Shut up!

Meowth: I'd like to be that giant cactus thing on Digimon, so I could find Jesse's pine tree and kick da crap outta her!

Zelda: Are cactuses trees?

Jesse: No, they're...cactuses...

Meowth: I believe da correct term is cacti.

Zelda: James, tree choice?

James: Why did you shove bits of candy into the oranges?

Zelda: Ha ha, you silly bishounen! I know you don't get to see oranges much, but all oranges have um...bits of candy inside. Only we call them seeds. And unlike many other seeds, you're supposed to eat orange seeds. All of them.

Jesse:(in a whisper)Did she poison the Lucky Charms?

Meowth:(also in a whisper) I don't think so...

Zelda: All right, so, Jesse, you would be a pine tree, Meowth, you would be a giant cactus, and James, stop being an orange wuss and just eat the damn thing! Cliched question #3...who would you rather sleep with? Butch or Butch and Cassidy's raticate?

Jesse: Would gags or blindfolds be involved?

Zelda: No.

James: Is Butch under a vow of silence?

Zelda: No.

Meowth: Does the raticate have any strange, fatal or crippling diseases?

Zelda: I think he's clean...

Jesse: But there's a chance that Butch would...talk?

Zelda: Yes. The raticate might also talk.

James: Literally sleep with or--

Zelda: You know what I mean.

Jesse: So our only choices are Butch and the Raticate?

Meowth: Could we use "Chef's Pleasure Bag"?

Zelda: I guess...you know, this is sort of a personal, gut feeling kind of answer...

Jesse: Okay, so we could put a paper bag over the raticate's head...

James: Its head is its entire body!

Jesse: But we could also just stuff a sock or something in Butch's mouth...

James: So...Cassidy isn't an option?(Jesse whacks him with a paper fan

Zelda: Just freaking pick one. It's not like I've actually got Butch and the Raticate here and am going to corral you into "Zelda's Chamber of Kinky Love" with cattle prods.

Jesse, James, and Meowth: Raticate.

Zelda: Oh ewww!

Jesse: You would've chosen Butch?

Zelda: Yes. And ear plugs.

Jesse: Should've asked her about ear plugs...

James: I think I liked the other people's questions better...

Jesse: That's just because the normal interviewers would flirt with you!

Meowth: Den how normal could they be?

Zelda: Jesse, don't you want some Lucky Charms? Or delicious, exotic oranges?

Jesse:(to James and Meowth)Why does she keep talking about oranges?

James(shrugs)Can we shoot her?

Meowth: Foist we hafta see if we're using guns today...(flips a coin. It lands on tails)Crap!

Zelda: What?

Jesse, James, and Meowth: Nothing.

Zelda: All right, then we'll move on to traditional, stale question #4...when you said you "frolicked all night" before the big Pokemon Tech finals, you meant sweet sweet love, didn't you?

Jesse and James: Next question.

Zelda: What would you do with a million pesos?

Jesse: Pesos?

James:Is this a joke?

Meowth: Like Mexican pesos?

Zelda: Don't dodge the question, crack whores.

Jesse: Pesos...

James: I'd go to McDonald's, buy an extra value meal, and maybe supersize it if I had enough money.

Meowth: I'd throw it at the sick freak who gave me a million crappy pesos!

Jesse: $1.99 Happy Meal, then throw the change at the sick freak who gave me a million pesos.

Zelda: Question #6...if I gave you some nice donuts, would you eat those?

Jesse: Maybe.

James: Okay.

Zelda: I'll be right back...(leaves)

Jesse: This is the worst interview I've ever been to!

James: She could at least call in some surprise guests so we'd have something to do!

Meowth: And dese Lucky Charms are stale.

Jesse: Too bad we're not using guns today...

(Zelda returns with a plate of riceball thingies)

James: You said donuts.

Zelda: No I didn't.

Jesse: Yes you did.

Zelda: Oh, so because it's more American?

James: Huh?

Jesse: You're sure she didn't poison the Lucky Charms?

Meowth: Do I look dead?

Zelda: Question 7--eat the frickin' rice balls!--do guns kill people or do people kill people?

Jesse: It depends.

James: Since sometimes people kill people with their bare hands or pillows.

Meowth: James, pillows don't kill people...people kill people.

Jesse: Guns also kill various wildlife.

James: People don't tend to kill various wildlife though...

Jesse: Probably because wildlife tends to be painful.

James: Very painful.

Jesse and James: Damn Safari Zone.

Zelda: Actually, I think the Safari Zone is a place of fun and sunshine!(takes out her newest pokemon, Draco the Dratini)And I'm never going back to that stinking hellhole ever again!

James: Jesse?

Jesse: Yes, James?

James: Can we steal her dratini and lock her up in the Silph building?

Jesse: Actually, I think we should lock her in Pokemon Mansion and hide the key somewhere inside...

Zelda: You two'd better be talking about how good the rice balls are.

Jesse: We are...(she and James laugh evilly)

Zelda: Super. Now, Jesse, did you really eat snow as a child?

Jesse: We had to make do!

Zelda: I know, pauper. Acid rain levels being what they are, how exactly did you survive this? Actually, who cares? I'd rather know why after a childhood of eating ice cream sandwiches, James isn't diabetic.

James: I just want to know why we're not dead yet...

Zelda: Hmm...well, I'm getting bored, so let's go to Zelda's "Wheel o' Fun Guests for Death Cage Matches"!(walks over to giant wheel)Now, the fickle "Wheel o' Fun Guests for Death Cage Matches" shall be spun to select which special guest you three will battle to the death! And, unfortunately, all the better sites have got Mondo, Butch, Cassidy, Jigglypuff, Brock, Outstanding Mandy, Ash, Misty, Gary, Giovanni, Nurse Joy, Officer Jenny, Bruno, Lorelei, Agatha, Professor Oak, Seymour the Scientist, Professor Orville, Pikachu, Persian, Jessebelle, James' mom, James' dad, Mewtwo, AJ, Damien, Lara Laramie, Professor Ivy, and Todd booked for the next month.

Jesse: Then who the hell are we going to battle to the death?!

Zelda:(spins wheel)Survey says....Richie!

Jesse, James, and Meowth: Who?

Zelda: You know, that kid who's like Ash only not a total flaming moron?

Meowth: Hey, Zelda, just remember dat dere's only one flaming moron...

Jesse: And he's our flaming moron!(Jesse and Meowth hug James)

James: I'm not a flaming anything!

Zelda: How were the rice balls?

Jesse: You stuck candy bits in those too.

Zelda: Those are orange seeds. For flavoring.

James: Stupid, sexy Zelda...(Jesse shoves another orange in his mouth)

Jesse: I hope you choke.

Meowth:(looking suspicously at the rare candy infested cereal, oranges, and rice balls.) What was the name of your site again?

Zelda: Zelda's Ra--Zelda's Place of Happy Good-time Thoughts. So...ready to battle Richie to the death? Here, Jesse, have a good luck rice ball! Poison free!(Jesse reluctantly takes another rice ball)

(Richie enters)

Zelda: Now, Richie, we've confiscated the crap wads you lovingly refer to as pokemon, so you're going to have to battle using only your strength, speed, and wits.(pause)I'll make sure your pokemon find good homes.

Richie: And this gets me a badge, right?

Zelda: That's right, Richie! You get the "I just signed my own death warrant for agreeing to come here" badge!

Richie: Wow!

Zelda: Yeah, it's a real pretty one. You can get it after we scrape your remains out from underneath Jesse and James' fingernails. Are we ready to fight?

Meowth: (deretracting his claws)We can take Twerp-Lite!

Zelda:(walks over to Jesse and James who're starting to get seriously whacked out)How're the rice balls? Oh, and for appearing at Zelda's Place of Happy Good-time thoughts, you two get this commemorative book...a romance novel that Zelda found at her grandmother's house. Here's a sample passage..."Hilda looked up at Johan, the fierce Viking warrior who had captured her. His rippling muscles gleamed like marble in the noon day sun, glistening from the damp sea air. The wind played with his long blonde locks of hair, and his expression was stern, yet amorous. As she looked at him, she longed for him, her lips slightly parted as she dreamed of him big mighty 'longboat.' She longed for him to take her in his arms, both of them trembling with longing, and say in his soft, sexy voice, 'You're such a wonderful dresser, Hilda...I want you to be my wench...' It continues on like that for awhile, but I don't want to bore you.(Jesse snatches the book from Zelda. She and James then hurry over to the dark corner on the opposite end of the room)

Meowth: Where are Jesse and James?

Zelda: Living the life and love of Hilda Hansdatter and the viking man who conquered her heart.

Meowth: What?

Zelda:(shrugs)I slipped rare candy into their food, then gave 'em this romance novel I found at my grandma's house. It's about the Danes! You know what a horny bunch they were, with their legos and little mermaids and other...Danish stuff.

Meowth: What?!(scratches Zelda across the face)When we're through with you...(Zelda, Meowth, and Richie pause and look towards the dark corner)I'm going ta have nightmares again...I have ta live with them!!

Zelda:(shrugs)It could be worse.

Meowth: How?!

Zelda: They could be really, really ugly, covered in body hair, and smell horrible.

Richie: When can I earn my badge?

Meowth:(sighs and looks at Zelda) Isn't there someone more...challenging?

Zelda: Well...Clay's gotten several yaoi deals and Allison's off crying because she's not interesting enough for soft core porn.

Meowth: Really?(Zelda nods)Well, den...Meowth, fury swipes!!

Richie: Ahh!! Happy! Zippo! Come save me!

Zelda: Happy and Zippo can't help you now, Richie.

Richie: Oww...(clutches his mangled face)

Zelda: Thank you for coming to Zelda's death match battle. As a consolation prize, you get this charming half mask, perfect for covering any deformities!

Richie: Oww...pain...

Meowth: You told us dis was a battle to da death!

Zelda: I have a short attention span. Now, does anyone else have anything clever to say?

Richie: You stupid bitch! Why do you hate me?!

Meowth: Dat's about it for me.

Zelda: Well, then, I think it's time to end this interview before any characters I don't personally own are killed or hit on.(Richie drops dead from slowly bleeding to death.)Ooops.

Meowth: Wuss.

Zelda: I know. Clay and Allison would still be running in little circles shrieking right now.

Meowth: (glances nervously towards the dark corner) Are Jesse and James going to be...normal soon?

Zelda: I doubt it. Wanna fight someone else to the death? We've already killed someone!

Meowth: Who's left?

Zelda: Allison's luneon.

Meowth: I'll just wait den.

Zelda: Excellent choice. You might lose.

Meowth: (glares at her)Bring it on.

Zelda: Well...actually...Luneon's kind of with Allison. Can you take a rain check?

Tune in next time, same it was a good idea at the time time, same it was a good idea at the time channel! Will Meowth mercilessly slaughter Luneon? Will anyone miss Richie? Ha ha, yeah, right. Stupid Richie.