Welcome to Malachite and Zoisite's Lazy-Ass Fun Time Comics! Where everyone's a bit out of character and the jokes all fall flat! Just like my chest, because I'm a man, god dammit!
Welcome to Malachite and Zoisite's Lazy-Ass Fun Time Comics! Where everyone's a bit out of character and the jokes all fall flat! Just like my chest, because I'm a man, god dammit!
If you're a man, shouldn't you be calling me "Kunzite"?
No.
Stupid bimbo...
You and the Sailor Bitches can't call me that! I'm a mimbo!
*sighs*Can we just have an yaoi orgy already? It's been at least 6 hours since I talked to Beryl.
Again?!
I needed a raise.
But that's what I'm here for!
Can I hide out here for awhile, guys?
Sure.
Why aren't you with Sailor Moon?
But only if you get naked.
Sailor Moon's a closet dominatrix...
Not into that kind of thing?
Damn.
No, I'm just really sore.
Tuxedo Mask, get back here! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!
Not again...
She can punish me anytime...
You cheating bitch!!
If you're not going to get naked, can you at least take off that dippy little mask?
But then you might find out who I really am!
Oh please...
We already know.
Since we can still see most of your face...
What does Sailor Moon have that I don't have?!
Hair. And knee high boots.
And a whip!
All this talk about Sailor Moon gives me an idea...*looks at Zoicite*
No. I don't wanna.
But you look so sexy in your little Scout uniform...
If you loved me you wouldn't make me dress up as Sailor Moon for your sick pleasure. And you'd stop giving Queen Beryl sexual favors.
Don't start this again...
I know how you feel, Zoicite.
I just made one little remark...
About how you want Sailor Moon to punish you!
Oh, like you haven't been hitting on Mars, Jupiter, and Venus?
They started it.
Look, we're never going to get those damn rainbow crystals. Hell, we should technically be dead since Sailor Uranuas and Neptune are here. So we've got to use what skills we have to suceede.
Only because you let them think you were a man! You're always trying to get girls that way!
No I'm not...
And my skills just happen to be giving Queen Beryl oral and other pleasures.
I hate you. I am never dressing up like another Sailor Scout for you again!
Admit it, Haruka. You're a god damn drag king.
I can't help it, Zoicite. Women want me, and men want to be me. And want me.
So? Men want me and women want to be me until they find out I'm really a man and I don't cheat on you! Except for that one time...
But that was all part of the plan.
Oh...right. All part of the plan...
You used me?!
I wanted to get your rainbow crystals...
I'm going to go talk to Pluto. She must know how I feel.
I thought we had something special going, Zoicite. But it looks like Sailor Jupiter was right--you are a bitch!
Don't go, Tuxedo Mask. Since Malachite doesn't respect me, we could try again. This time without lies and deceit.
Wow, that's really touching...this is a trap, isn't it?
Yes, Pluto would understand...she's all alone there at that time portal thingie, a slight breeze tugging at her short, pleated skirt, her soft, luxuorious hair pulled back from her face, those eyes...
What?!
Well, Zoicite, if you don't want to be my little Sailor Scout, I've got plenty of other volunteers.
Like who?
Just end it, Zoicite. Please, I need someone gentle and caring!
Nephrite dressed up like Jupiter for me just last week...
I'll kill him!!
And calm. Calm and stable and punctual would be nice too.
Does Sailor Moon ever take her hair out of those awful little meatballs?
No. It's terrible. ::cries::
That son of a bitch! I'm going to rip his balls off!
With what, cherry blossoms?
*pouts*
Hi! We're two evil chicks out cruisin' for studs!
Whooo!
What's wrong with her?
We're on our fifth bar.
Where are all the studs? I want to eat their pink sugary hearts...
Well, Tuxedo Mask, you're looking as sexy as ever...
But...aren't you...isn't...don't touch me, you incestuous wench!
::pouts:: It's not my fault I have an Electra complex.
Hearts...
I told you, I'll steal their energy--or whatever I do--and then you can get their hearts!
You know what your problem is?
::Lowering voice:: Hello, ladies...
::blushes:: Hi...
::sniffles:: What?
Wow, you're almost as cute as my dad...
You take everything too personally.
Thanks...I think. You're not bad yourself.
Dammit, young lady! I'm much better looking!
::singing:: There's only us, there's only this...
Too personally?! You've probably given me nega-herpes, you slut!
Why don't we head back to my place? I've got a swell sports car...
Ooo...
What?!
That really hurts, Zoicite.
Poor Darien. No one wants to hit on him anymore....
Dammit, Wicked Lady, quit stealin' all the studs.
I'm an available stud!
Go back to Sailor Moon, you wuss.
But...she beats me...
And you can go back to Nephrite. He can show you his "Oak Evolution."
::looks over Tuxedo Mask:: Do you have a big...heart crystal?
That's it, Haruka, we're through!
But I like your "moon wand" better, Zoey!
Get your hands off my dad, you slut! I told you, he's mine!
You're just greedy.
But, Michi, you're the only girl for me...afterall, you're my cousin.
And you're my cousin! ::they start making out::
Ewww.
Cousins?
So?
I don't know you anymore.
We were once like that...
I love you.
Related?
I want to believe that...
No...young and in love and not sleeping with Queen Beryl.
You want to go back to that last bar?
No.
Why? There were hotties there...
They kept grabbing my ass and asking me about my dreams.
Darien! Hurry up!
Yes ma'am.
Were you hitting on him again?
Yeah. What're you going to do about it?
::hits Wicked Lady over the head with one of the assorted moon scepters::
Ow! ::hits Sailor Moon with her umbrella::
Ha, ha.
I said I was sorry about the Beryl thing. But we all sleep with our bosses...I sleep with Beryl, Wicked Lady sleeps with Wiseman, Bitches 5--
You mean Witches 5.
No I don't.
Witches 5...hee hee.
Oh, shut up, heart snatcher. Don't you work for them?
Suck it, Sailor Moron.
Witches 5 sleep with Professor Tomoe, and so forth.
Speaking of so forth, why isn't there anyone here past S?
Because we're using icons from Another Story, dear.
Good. Those carnies can go straight to hell.
But that means...what about my Pegasus?
Eww...
Please tell me I'm not her real father.
Who?
No one.
They're in love.
I'll break his legs!
That wasn't very nice, Zoey.
Bite me. Anyway, speaking of carnies...I'm going shopping with Fish-Eye tomorrow.
What? I don't want you anywhere near that slut!
We're going shopping for androgynous clothes. And various styling products.
You're going shopping for androgynous clothes?
Yeah.
Can I come?
For the love of god, make her buy a dress.
Dammit, bitch, I wear the pants in this relationship--
Literally. And constantly.
And I'll wear a dress when I damn feel like it!
Feel free to come.
Malachite!
You're pretty strong right?
Yeah...
Can you do me a favor?
You suck, Malachite.
Tomorrow, if the blue haired bitch says, "One", can you tackle him to the ground and beat him within an inch of his life?
I'll do it for a dollar.
A quarter?
You don't trust me?
I can't believe you've been cheating on me...well, with someone other than your dad...
I trust you...I just don't trust him.
A dollar.
It's not cheating...you were dead or something...
Not even as a favor to me?
I'll give you a dollar if you make her buy a dress.
Deal.
I was reborn! And you're from 900 years in the future! You couldn't freaking wait for me? Or use your cruddy time key or something?
We all have needs, Hotaru.
I'll only do it for a quarter if it involves tackling hot chicks.
Oh, it does.
No it doesn't!
It better not...
Quiet, Michiru. I'll tackle all the hot chicks I want.
We are so over, Haruka. You can keep the dollar, Zoicite.
Score!
So who is this guy anyway?
Where are you ever going to find someone like me?
::shrugs:: It's a big family...
That's all for today, kids! Tune in, same lazy-ass time, same lazy-ass site, for the continuation of Malachite and Zoicite's Lazy-Ass Fun Time Comics!