Disclaimer: Things I own roll call! Clay! Allison! Hitmonlee! Hitmonchan! Other than that, it belongs to Nintendo, Game Freak, and other Not-Me Corporations!

Rating: R. Clay and Allison eat four pounds of rare candy between them, Brock and Misty tie Ash up, and Jesse and James buy some “special time” from Meowth…there’s a whole lot of lovin' goin’ on! Probably an excessive amount…

Other: Right now I’m mourning the potential loss of my Musical Episode…after all the slaving and original lyrics hunting, it looks like it might be dead. :’-( After you've cried with me here at my website, send your condolences to Zelda's wounded soul

Jesse and James were watching TV, recovering from another day of spectacular failure. Jesse sighed. “In the great South Park of life, we’re Kenny,” she announced.

“I know what’ll make you feel better, Jess,” said James, smiling at her. “Prepared for trouble?”

Jesse smiled back. She knew that look… “Make it double,” she said.

They both stood up and pulled their uniforms off in one fluid motion. James looked at his partner who was wearing just a red slip. “To protect the world from devastation,”

“To unite all peoples within our nation,”

“To enjoy the evils of love and lust,”

“To take advantage of my fantastic bust!”

“Jesse…”

“Oh, James…”

“Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!”

“Surrender now, or later tonight!”

“Meowth! Dat’s right!”

James paused mid-sexy lowering of significant other onto the bed that had just appeared and stared at the scratch cat. “Meowth, what’re you doing here?”

“You’re talking in your sleep again,” said Meowth. “And your subconscious has two seconds to either think of something else or I’m going to use the Team Rocket Dream Eater Ray.”

James thought about this for a moment. He looked at the scantily clad Jesse, who waved, then back at the pokémon. “Do your worst, hairball.”

Meowth grinned. “Turn around.” James did. Jesse continued to smile at him, but her hair suddenly collapsed into ringlets. She held up a whip.

“What do y’all want to do today?” she asked.

James sat up, eyes wide, utterly freaked out, and trying to avoid the nightmare cliché scream. He noticed Meowth was still smiling. “I hate you,” he snapped. He looked at Jesse, who was still sleeping peacefully beside him. “Why did you leave her alone?”

“She wasn’t talking in her sleep,” Meowth replied.

“Pass the strawberries,” Jesse mumbled.

“Until now,” Meowth added, hoisting the Team Rocket Dream Eater Ray back onto his shoulder. “All right, Meowth, set phasers for ‘Ash’…”

Jesse was just about to use strawberries and confectioner’s sugar for what was obviously their raison d’etre when she realized that her scantily clad partner had been replaced by a fully clothed Ash Ketchum. “You’re trying to steal Pikachu aren’t you?” he asked, glaring at her.

“Why are you here, and what have you done with James?” Jesse hissed, strawberries dematerializing so her hands would be free to grab Ash by the collar and shake him until his bones rattled.

To her surprise, the little twerp gave her a sheepish grin. “Well, Jesse, I was wondering…I lost my only copy of that picture of you and…”

When Jesse sat up screaming in terror, she noticed James and Meowth watching her. “Whose fault is it this time?” she asked.

“What?” Meowth asked innocently.

“He did it to me too,” James told her, glaring at Meowth.

“You know the rules,” said Meowth. “If you’re going to have sick, disgusting dreams, you can only have them if you don’t talk in your sleep. Although the pervert motto was very creative, James.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” James replied.

“What time is it?” asked Jesse, lying back down and getting ready to go back to sleep.

“2 AM,” Meowth announced cheerily. “I’m hungry. Let’s order pizza.”

“At 2 AM?” asked Jesse.

While Meowth went to get the phone book, Jesse stared at the ceiling. “I think he hates us,” she said.

“I can’t believe the Dream Eater Ray is real,” James muttered, rolling on to his back and trying to get the image of Jesse morphing into Jessebelle out of his head. The worst part was it hadn’t even taken that much…

“Thirty minutes or less,” Meowth announced, still carrying the Dream Eater Ray. He headed towards the door.

“Where’re you going?” asked Jesse.

“To make mischief.”

Jesse and James looked at each other. James shrugged. “Just as long as he stays out of my head,” he said.

“Good point,” said Jesse.

They both closed their eyes and tried to go back to sleep. Thirty seconds later, they sat up, shuddering. “Damn that cat,” Jesse muttered as she and James clung to each other.

Ash stood facing his rivals, Team Rocket. Unfortunately, it was right in the middle of his battle with Mandy the Fantastic…who seemed to be flirting with James and vice versa.

“Oh, I don’t think you should have any trouble defeating this little pipsqueak,” James was saying.

“Of course not! For I am Mandy the Fantastic!”

“I’ll say…”

Ash, noticing that Jesse was examining her fingernails, turned to Misty. “Hey, Misty! How’re you going to shippy this up?” he called.

Misty rolled her eyes. “How can you not tell?” she asked.

Brock nodded. “Team Rocket is probably going to kidnap Mandy and force him to use his fantastic and outstanding powers to build a gigantic laser on the moon that they’ll aim at Washington DC unless we pay them a ransom of,” Brock brought his pinky up to his lip, “one million dollars!”

Ash looked back at Jesse and James. “I hope I can remember how to do a fireball,” he muttered.

“Back back punch!” shouted his mom.

Ash nodded. “Thanks mom!” he called before turning his hat backwards.

Jesse whipped out a small wand. “Rocket power!” she shouted. After the obligatory glittery transformation sequence, she was wearing basically the same clothes, only her hair was even weirder looking with little spheres on top of her head, and she had a tiara. “We fight to denounce the evils of truth and love!” She started to wave her hands around. “And that means you,” she finished, glaring at Ash.

“Not much left to do to your psyche,” said Meowth from beside Ash.

“What’re you doing here?” Ash asked, looking down at the cat.

Meowth looked at Team Rocket, now all the members Ash had seen, all dressed like Sailor Scouts. Jesse and James’ uniforms were mostly white, as usual, with black gloves, black waistbands(you know, on the skirt), and red skirts, bows, etc. Butch and Cassidy’s uniforms were the reverse, while Clay and Allison had grey where-ever there was white on Jesse and James’ Sailor Scout uniforms. Giovanni was quite impressive in his Eternal Sailor Moon outfit complete with wings. “What am I doing here?” Meowth asked critically.

“Yeah, you’re right over there,” said Ash, pointing to a Meowth who had a crescent moon charm.

“Rocket Scout roll-call!” said the other Meowth in a British accent.

Jesse’s hair was now back to what was normal for it. “Sailor Neptune!” she said, posing.

“Sailor Uranus!” said James, posing next to her. Mandy the Fantastic had mysteriously disappeared.

“Sailor Venus!” said Cassidy.

“Sailor Mars!” said Butch.

“Sailor Mercury!” said Clay.

“Sailor Jupiter!” said Allison.

“And Sailor Moon!” growled Giovanni.

Meowth looked up at Ash. “You are one messed up kid…”

When Meowth arrived home six minutes later, he found his teammates had managed to fall asleep in each other’s arms while still sitting up. “My food come yet?” he asked.

“Huh?”

“Nnn-wha?”

“Dat Ketchum kid has some issues,” Meowth announced, sitting down in front of them and turning on the TV. “Ooo, body vibes, the revolutionary way to shed unwanted pounds!”

“I’ve got issues,” said Jesse, moving back towards her pillow. “I’ve got issues with you constantly depriving us of sleep…”

“I was going to screw up his dreams, but he was doing just fine by himself…” Meowth shook his head. “It featured Team Rocket as Sailor Scouts.”

“Which ones were we?” asked James, now lying down and starting to pull his blanket over his head.

“She was Sailor Neptune and you were Sailor Uranus.”

“He made us be the lesbians?” asked Jesse.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” said James. “I mean, if that’s who you are…”

“It’s not!”

I’m glad you feel dat way, James,” said Meowth. “Because he also had you flirting with Mandy the Fantastic."

James shrugged. “Unlike Jesse, I’m secure in my sexuality,” he said.

“A bit too secure,” muttered Meowth.

“Whatever it is,” muttered Jesse. “Now I want both of you to shut up so I can get my beauty sleep!”

“Goin’ into hibernation again?” asked Meowth. Jesse swung at him, but ended up missing and falling on top of James. The doorbell rang. “Oh boy!” exclaimed Meowth, scampering over to the chair where Jesse and James had tossed their uniforms and taking a handful of money from both their pockets.

“Jesse,” James began, lifting his head up slightly so he could look at his partner who was still lying on top of him, “did he just steal from us again?”

Jesse shrugged. “Who cares? Right now, all I want is to get some sleep…” She shifted slightly. After a few more moments, she felt like she was being stared at. “What?” she asked, looking up.

“You’re…”

Their eyes met. Jesse opened her mouth, then quickly shut it as the sound of Meowth screeching, “Dis isn’t what I ordered!” reached them. It was followed by the sound of a painful fury swipe. Jesse was just about to try again when Meowth entered, dragging a delivery boy. He tossed the box of pizza down in front of his teammates. “I’m going to go talk to his manager,” he said.

Jesse and James watched him leave, then opened the pizza box. “Pepperoni?” asked Jesse. “Who doesn’t like pepperoni?”

“Who cares?” asked James, picking up a slice. “It’s still free food.”

“Do you know what time it is?” Jesse asked him, raising an eyebrow as she took a slice of her own.

“Eh.”

The next morning, Ash sat up and blinked several times. “I had the weirdest dream last night,” he said.

“Me too,” said Misty. “I dreamed you finally paid me for my bike, and I bought a new bike, and ran you over with it…”

Ash snorted. “Misty, that isn’t anywhere near as weird as my—hey!”

Years of working and living with Jesse and James had taught Meowth to expect the unexpected. Despite all this, he was completely unprepared to wake up and see his teammates sitting next to each other at the breakfast table, with Jesse wearing James’ jacket over her shoulders. “You didn’t!” he exclaimed.

“Didn’t what?” asked Jesse and James, staring at him.

Meowth mutely pointed to the jacket. “I’m cold,” said Jesse.

“Don’t give me dat crap! You two’re an item!” Meowth protested. “Now it’s going to be stupid petnames and public displays of affection and…” The three of them paused to think about what Meowth had just said. “All right, so it won’t be dat different…” He noticed Jesse and James were still giving him blank stares. “Oh come on! I was gone for an hour and a half, and you expect me to believe dat you didn’t take advantage of that for a romantic, passionate confession?”

“Does eating pizza count?” asked James.

There was a knock on the door. “I’ll get it!” Jesse said cheerfully.

“And I’ll come with you!” added James.

At the door, Jesse looked through the peephole. “Oh crap!” she whispered, hugging James tightly. “It’s someone from Team Rocket!” After several more knocks from one side of the door and muttered obscenities from the other, James was wearing his jacket again and they were both one and a half feet apart. Jesse opened the door.

The nondescript Team Rocket agent handed Jesse an envelope, then nodded and left. Jesse slowly shut the door. James leaned over her shoulder as she opened the envelope. “It’s a form letter,” Jesse said happily.

“Yes!” James and Meowth exclaimed.

“It’s not personal!” cheered James.

“It’s just the mailing list!” added Jesse.

“We’re saved!” said Meowth.

After a brief victory dance, something occurred to Jesse. “You idiots!” she snapped, hitting both James and Meowth. “We haven’t read what it says yet!”

“Oh yeah…”

Jesse picked up the letter. “Not again…” she groaned.

“What?” asked James.

“The Boss is cracking down on…‘fraternization’ again,” Jesse explained. Meowth sighed. “Inspections will be performed all this week,” Jesse continued. She and James exchanged a glance. “Which means…”

“Dat you two love birds have to start acting like you can’t stand each other,” said Meowth.

“We could fake a fight,” Jesse suggested.

Meowth snorted. “Please,” he said. “If I give you two long enough, it won’t be fake.”

After Jesse had stomped on Meowth and James had hit him several times in the head with his elbow, Jesse and James returned to their brainstorming. “What happens if we fail the test?” James asked.

“You mean when,” said Meowth from the floor.

“Immediate termination,” said Jesse.

James thought about it for a moment. “So…we get a hefty severance package,” he said.

“Become self-employed,”

“And do whatever we want for the rest of our lives!” they exclaimed, gleefully hugging each other.

“Snap out of it!” screeched Meowth, scratching them both across the face.

“All right…” said Jesse, squishing Meowth under the heel of her boot. “We get rid of the inspectors and pretend to be them.”

“How do you know there’ll be two of them?” asked James.

Jesse laughed smugly. “If I know the way things usually work, it’ll either be one very tall one,” she began. James groaned. “Or, three agents, all of whom are as tall as we are.”

“And since you two have yet to kill anyone, what happens when said agent or agents escapes and rats on us?” asked Meowth.

“Fine. We’ll just…act reserved for a week,” said Jesse.

“Might as well get started,” sighed James. He and Jesse sat down on the floor.

“First thing, the motto,” said Meowth.

“What?” gasped Jesse and James.

“I think ‘denounce the evils of truth and love’ is fairly self explanatory,” said Jesse.

Meowth shook his head. “Actually, most of us just use it to point and laugh at your pitiful cover-up,” he said.

“Us?” asked James.

“Team Rocket, occaisionally me and the brats.”

“Traitor,” muttered Jesse.

“Besides, it doesn’t make up for all dat ‘our’ stuff,” said Meowth.

“What?” his teammates asked.

“Say it,” Meowth said.

“Why?” asked Jesse.

“It’s not like we need to,” said James.

“When have you ever needed to?” screamed Meowth. Jesse looked at James, who nodded. Jesse whipped out a pokeball. “Ha!” laughed Meowth. “I’m not afraid of your pathetic pokemon!”

“And you shouldn’t be,” said Jesse. “But you should be afraid of this empty pokeball!” Meowth screamed and quickly ran out of the room. “You were right,” Jesse said to her partner. “We didn’t even need this.” She tossed him Wheezing’s pokeball. “What now?” Noticing his look, she slapped him with a paper fan. “We’ll have plenty of time for that if we get fired.”

“So…you don’t want to get fired?” James asked, looking hurt.

Jesse sighed. “James, just help me with this. ‘Team Rocket agent, fired for excessive PDA’ isn’t going to help either one of our resumes.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“You start finding a way to make ‘Team Rocket agent, fired for excessive PDA’ sound better on our resumes, and I’ll start planning for today.”

James nodded. “Where’s the thesaurus?”

“So…what Sailor Scout was Mandy the Fantastic?” asked Misty.

“He wasn’t a Sailor Scout at all,” said Ash. “Haven’t you been listening?”

“Sailor Moon, sexiest of the Sailor Scouts,” Brock sighed. “Just as sexy as Sailor Mercury, Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter…”

Misty pulled a book of Freud off of Ash’s mom’s bookshelf. “Well, Ash, I think I can figure this out,” she said, starting to flip through the pages.

“That’s a relief,” sighed Ash.

“Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto,” Brock finished.

“Okay, having a dream in which your mother talks to you means…” Misty quickly skimmed the page, “you have an Oedipus complex.”

“What?” asked Ash.

“And the giant laser…” Misty started blushing. “Well…that’s sex explanatory. I mean, self explanatory.”

“But sometimes a giant laser is just a giant laser!” Ash protested.

“And dreaming about the Sailor Scouts means…”

Jesse nodded. “I think it’ll work,” she said. “What’d you come up with?”

James turned away from the computer. “We’re alternative pokemon management engineers who were fired for over-enthusiasm in our inter-company interactions.” Jesse stared at him. “What?” he asked.

“James…that’s brilliant,” she said. “Does it actually mean anything?”

“Jesse, the secret to a good resume is to use complicated sounding strings of words that either mean next to nothing or something unimpressive,” he replied. “For example, for my past job experience I have ‘domestic supervisor.’”

“Which is?”

“I sat around my house being waited on hand and foot. And after that I was a ‘transportation industrialist.’”

“The bike gang?”

James nodded, grinning. “And now this!”

“Oh, gross!” Ash explained. “It can’t mean that!”

“Ash, who are you going to believe?” Misty asked. “Yourself or Freud?”

“Can’t I just have an innocent dream about the full ranks of Team Rocket dressed up in revealing sailor suits without it being dirty?” asked Ash.

“Not according to Freud you can’t,” said Brock. “And all of them?” Ash nodded. “Including guys other than James?” Ash nodded again. Brock turned to Misty. “I think Freud’s pretty accurate on this one.”

Misty nodded. “But the Sailor Scouts didn’t even exist when Freud was writing this junk!” whined Ash. “Next you’re going to convince me that Jesse and James are in there…”

“Well…sort of…” Misty said as she glanced at the index. “Their names are in here…”

Brock pulled out another book. “Here, Ash, maybe this will help… ‘Every person that appears in a dream is supposed to represent an aspect of one's Self, and not actually be about that other person at all; rather, it is a quality or characteristic about that person that your dream is focusing on, and how it applies to you,’” Brock read.

“What do Jesse and James have to do with me?” asked Ash. “And what do you mean their names are in there?”

“Ash, I want you to try something for me,” said Misty.

“Uh-huh.”

“Silently say Jesse and James’ names to yourself, without the ‘and’, and see if something registers.”

“Here’s the new motto,” Jesse said, handing it to her partner.

“What’s the plan?” James asked.

“Basically, we grab Pikachu as quickly as possible and hope nothing frightening happens,” she explained.

“Do we know where the brats are?”

“Once we figure all this out,” said Misty, “we can go to the abandoned amusement park!”

“Kaa!” cheered Pikachu.

“I don’t know, Misty,” said Brock. “There is that psychotic killer on the loose…”

Ash suddenly groaned as the realization set in. “So what does dreaming about dead bandits mean?” he asked.

Misty shrugged. “It’s Freud, so…probably something about sex.”

“We’ll find them,” said Jesse. “How hard can it be?”

“When do you think we’ll start being monitered?” asked James. “With our luck, it’ll probably be at the end of the week, when we’ve basically stopped trying…”

Jesse laughed. “When have we ever done less than our best?” she asked him.

“Do you want the list by assignments or by cities?” James asked.

“So…people I see in dreams represent aspects of my personality?” Ash asked.

Brock nodded. “You probably have cross dressing tendencies,” he added.

“It was only once! Can’t I let Team Rocket dress me up as their daughter one time without it haunting me for the rest of my life?”

“No,” said Brock and Misty.

“It isn’t even like I enjoyed it that much…”

“’That much?’” asked Misty.

After James had run through the list of Team Rocket’s not-so motivated days, Jesse and James found themselves lying on their backs, staring at the ceiling. “Well, it’s not like we had any job security anyways,” said James.

“So what’re we supposed to do now?” asked Jesse.

“We could rejoin the bike gang…”

“They decided to stop idolizing us after Ash ran over our heads, remember?”

“Fickle little…”

Jesse sighed. “We could get pathetic, minimum wage jobs at the Safari Zone…”

“Didn’t we hold the warden at gunpoint?”

Jesse thought for a moment. “Did we?” she asked. James nodded. “We must have been using guns that day…”

“But you know what I’ll miss most about Team Rocket?” said James, changing the subject.

“The uniforms?” asked Jesse.

James nodded. “The wonderful, turtleneck uniforms…” They both sighed happily.

“We could always become beatniks,” Jesse suggested.

“So…what do Jesse and James represent?” Misty pondered aloud.

“Evil?” asked Ash.

“Ka chu, pika-pi!” whined Pikachu.(“When can we go to the abandoned amusement park?”)

Ash laughed and rubbed his favorite pokemon’s head. “Let’s go now,” he suggested. “We can analyze my psyche on the way!”

Jesse and James soon found themselves standing outside the dark, abandoned amusement park. “Are you sure this is where the brats are?” Jesse asked Meowth as she tried to resist the urge to cling to James.

“Don’t worry,” said Meowth. “The only scary thing we’ll find in dis place is probably the three stooges or maybe Sonny and Cher.”

Jesse and James exchanged a glance, then looked at their official moniters. “Why do you look so smug?” asked Jesse.

Allison shrugged. “I was just thinking about the psycho killer who’s loose right now,” she said.

“Don’t worry,” said Clay. “We’ve studied his MO.”

“He only kills in pairs,” said Allison.

“One male, one female,” added Clay.

“Always together,”

“And…” Clay and Allison looked at each other. “Why in the name of everything we stand for did you volunteer for this assignment?” Clay asked his partner.

“We’re dead,” said Allison, burying her face in her hands. “Dead, dead, dead…”

“Here,” said Jesse, giving her a handful of rare candy. “This should make you feel better.”

“What is it?” asked Allison.

“Prozac,” lied James.

“Prozac?” asked Allison, glaring at them.

“We’ll take it,” said Clay, popping several pieces in his mouth.

“As much as I love capturing pokemon, there’s nothing better than solving a groovy mystery!” exclaimed Ash.

“We’re so glad you could help us, Cher,” said Brock.

“No problem,” said Jenny McCarthy. “Cher”, as the intelligent French student knows, is french for “dear.” Nevermind the fact that Brock used the masculine form…

“What groovy mystery?” asked Misty. She and Pikachu had been making the 30 year-old cotton candy machine work during the exposition.

“Evil Old Man Witherspoon is going to foreclose on Ma and Pa Waterflower’s house unless we can find out where all their money’s gone,” Ash explained.

“Poor Ma,” sighed Brock. “She’s too pretty to be foreclosed on!”

“She’s also 73 years old,” muttered Misty.

“True beauty never ages…”

“Pika pika,” sighed Pikachu, looking disgusted.

“Remember, sexy,” said Allison, winking at James, “we’re still monitering you for Giohottie.” She giggled.

“Allison, you know he’s mine,” said Clay, giving his partner a playful shove.

“James or Giohottie?”

“Both!”

“You know,” said Jesse, folding her arms across her chest, “why is it that most people when hepped up on rare candy go after you?”

James shrugged. “Because I’m the cute one?” he asked.

“We could share them,” Allison suggested. She and Clay both started laughing.

“Whatever,” said Meowth. “Just make sure you two don’t eat any of dat…’Prozac,’” he told his teammates. “Someone has to be able to defend me from the psycho killer.”

Jesse rolled her eyes. “Meowth, I think you’re the only one here who’s safe.” She turned to her partner. “Why did we decide to go to the abandoned amusement park when there’s a murderer whose modus operandi fits us perfectly?”

“Because the pikachu we’re supposed to capture is here,” James answered.

They looked at Clay and Allison. “How much more rare candy is it going to take before they stop giving a crap about our performance?” Jesse muttered. James and Meowth gave her a look. “You know what I meant.”

“We can barely keep them off me as it is,” said James. “Although that Allison girl can be pretty cute…”

Jesse whacked him with a frying pan. “We’re here to capture Pikachu, remember?” she snapped. “And you hated her, remember?”

James shrugged.

Meanwhile, Ash and his friends were still wandering through the carnival, when suddenly, Pikachu felt something tapping him on the shoulder. He turned around and saw, “Piiiikaaaa!” (“Confederate Soldier Ghosts!!”) Pikachu ran up to Ash and started tugging on his pants leg. “Chu! Pika pi!”

“Huh?” asked Ash, turning around. “Pikachu, I don’t see any dead Confederate soldiers!”

“You know, I read somewhere that there was a major Civil War battle fought right where this amusement park was built,” said Brock. “Maybe the ghost of a dead general wants vengeance…”

“Brock, there’s no such thing as ghosts,” said Ash.

“Wait…Civil War?” asked Misty. “And what the hell is a confederate soldier?”

Ash, Brock, and Misty all looked at each other. “I…I don’t know,” said Ash.

“Where’s Jenny McCarthy?” asked Brock.

“Oh, who cares?” asked Misty. “It’s not like she was even a decent celebrity guest star.” She glared at Ash.

“Don’t look at me,” said Ash. “I wanted the Harlem Globetrotters.”

“You,” said Allison, leaning her elbow on James’ shoulder and poking him on the chest, “are one,”

“Sexy stud muffin,” Clay finished from the other side.

James smiled smugly at his partner. “See? Someone appreciates me.”

Jesse pulled out her trusty 12 gauge shotgun. “One more move and I’ll blow your tacky lavender head off,” she said.

“What did I do?” asked James.

“Not you! Your hair is blue. I meant her.”

James looked at Clay. “What about him?”

“Do you swing that way?”

“No.”

“So why should I feel threa—I mean, uhm…” Jesse sighed and put the shotgun away. “Let’s just capture Pikachu.”

Meowth looked around. “Never a garden hose around when you need one,” he said.

“You always seem to be able to find one,” muttered Jesse.

“Just at the wrong moment,” added James. He suddenly moved forward, causing Clay and Allison to fall onto each other.

Jesse and James looked down at their fellow Rockets, both of whom quickly posed only the ground, grinning up at James. “Here,” said Jesse, tossing them several more pieces of rare candy. “Have some more Prozac.”

“Jesse, that’s the last of our stash!” James whined. He then remembered Meowth. “Now how’re Arbok and Wheezing going to learn any new attacks?”

“You know, it’s interesting,” said Meowth. “Despite all da rare candy we go through, Arbok and Wheezing haven’t managed to grow a level in a long time…”

Jesse and James exchanged a glance, both starting to sweatdrop. “Are you sure?” asked Jesse.

“Positive.”

Clay turned to his partner. They both had just indulged in another handful of rare candy. “Hey, Al, you want to denounce some evils?” he asked.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Allison replied, leering at him.

“Jesse, are they using our motto for what I think they are?” asked James.

“Prepare for trouble and make it double!” Clay and Allison told each other, before giggling and heading towards an abandoned game booth.

“Well, at least now they’ve moved on to Butch and Cassidy’s motto,” said Jesse.

“Which is essentially our motto,” said James.

“Of course we did just feed them about two pounds of rare candy…” Jesse blushed. “Each…”

“So…why do you two have four pounds of rare candy on your person?” asked Meowth. “Do you know how small rare candy is?”

Jesse and James exchanged another glance. “It can’t be four pounds,” said James. “I can…uhh…only carry twenty items at a time!”

“Uh-huh,” said Meowth with his general look of non-acceptance. “Well, we might as well capture Pikachu now…”

His teammates laughed. “Why?” asked Jesse. “It’s not like anyone’s watching! Let’s see if any of the rides work!”

“I wanna ride the carousel!” said James.

Meowth looked off in the direction Clay and Allison had gone. “What about them?” he asked.

“Oh, what can happen?” asked James, shrugging.

“If the game booth be a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’!” said Jesse. She and James laughed.

Meowth whipped out his claws. “We’re going to keep an eye on dem, den look for Pikachu,” he said. In return, Jesse and James each pulled out a piece of rare candy and unwrapped it. “You wouldn’t!” the cat exclaimed, taking a step back.

“We’re riding the rollercoasters, or we’re eating rare candy,” Jesse threatened.

“All right, all right!” screeched Meowth, holding up his hands in a sign of surrender. “Just don’t—ack!” he choked as a piece of rare candy hit him in the tongue.

As he instinctively swallowed it, Jesse and James grabbed each other’s hands. “Way to go, Jess!” cheered James.

“That ought to show that stupid cat!” laughed Jesse.

Meowth blinked several times, then glared at them in their hands clasped, each with one leg in the air hug(see “Attack of the Prehistoric Pokémon” for multiple examples) “It didn’t work, you morons,” he snapped. “I’m a pokémon, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” sighed James.

“Dammit!” snapped Jesse.

James pulled out the piece of rare candy again and held it over his mouth. “Then we’re threatening you again.”

“Well, I certainly didn’t want Jenny McCarthy!” snapped Misty.

“Chu!” agreed Pikachu.

Ash, Misty, and Pikachu looked at Brock. “She was so hot on Singled Out,” he sighed happily.

“Let’s just see if we can capture those Confederate Soldier ghosts!” said Ash. “Maybe they’re a new type of pokémon!”

“Well, Ash,” said Brock. “If we’re going to set a trap, we’ll need bait…” He and Misty both looked at Ash and Pikachu.

Before anything else could happen, the ghosts appeared, hovering over head. “Get out,” they growled.

“Pikachu, thunder-shock them!” shouted Ash, pointing at the Confederate soldier ghosts.

“Kaaa…” whimpered Pikachu.

“Pikachu’s too scared to move!” said Misty.

“Ash, I think we should run,” Brock suggested.

Ash’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not going to let any stupid ghost scare me!” he said. “Poké-ball, go!”

The ghosts dodged the pokéball, then unsheathed their swords. “Jinkies!” shrieked Misty. “Let’s get out of here!”

Ash and friends immediately started running. They didn’t get far until Ash tripped over something, causing all three humans and their loose pokémon to fall into a utility closet, the door of which immediately slammed shut on them. “Dig this crazy broom closet!” said Brock. “Maybe there’s hot chicks inside…”

“Hey, look,” said Misty, “a projector!”

“What would a ghost need with a projector?” asked Ash.

“Ash, it’s got nothing to do with ghosts,” Misty replied. “We must be in a projection room.”

“Misty, whenever there’s ghosts at an amusement park, it’s because someone’s trying to scare…” Ash noticed that the projector was pointing to a hole in the wall. He peered through it. “Oh, wait, no, it really is a projection room. Sorry, Misty.”

Team Rocket had finally reached an agreement. “You can go ride the broken rides,” said Meowth, “but I’m staying here and watching…” He looked around and saw his teammates running towards the center of the amusement park.

“See you later!” said Jesse.

“Great,” Meowth muttered, noticing the fact that they were already holding hands. “Just watch out for that psycho killer!” He started looking for a hose to use on Clay and Allison.

“Do you really think there is a psycho killer?” asked Jesse as they wandered through the amusement park.

“Well, he’s already killed six teenagers,” said James. “So it’s only a matter of time before he leaps out and stabs us.”

Jesse bit her lip and glanced nervously at the shadowy booths. “And they say you’re the romantic one,” she muttered. “Well…what should we do now?”

“What now?” asked Ash.

“Let’s just stay in here,” said Misty. “I don’t want those creepy Confederate soldier ghosts to get me!”

“Pika pika chu,” said Pikachu.

“Pikachu’s right!” said Ash. “Those can’t be real ghosts! They’re obviously Old Man Witherspoon, who as we all know has a personal vendetta against Ma and Pa Waterflower!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Brock. “How did you figure all that out, Ash?”

“Simple,” said Ash. “Old Man Witherspoon used a rubber mask and a portable mirror to create the illusion of pirate ghosts, then—“

“Ash, you’ve got it all wrong!” said Misty, sighing. “It was so obviously Wikles, the bitter handyman!”

“Wikles?” asked Ash. “Misty, come on! Old Man Witherspoon from the abandoned amusement park!”

“No, it has to be Wikles! After all, Ma and Pa Waterflower fired him and he threatened revenge. This is his revenge!”

Meowth rubbed him head. He felt strange. He tried to ignore it and continued reading his Team Rocket Emergencies handbook. There was a surprisingly large section devoted to rare candy. “’Dere is no way to sober up a rare candy user,’” he read. “’Under the influence of a dose large enough to cause severe effects, the user should eventually pass out with no memory of…’crap!” said Meowth, throwing the book to the ground. “I already knew dis junk!” He sighed. It sure as hell didn’t sound like Clay and Allison were about to pass out… “Hey, you two morons!” he shouted at them. “Don’t leave!”

“Why’d we want to?” asked Clay.

Meowth shuddered. “I thought you were gay!” he shouted back.

Clay’s head and shoulder’s appeared over the edge of the booth. He was wearing a black tank top and his hair was very out of place. “Yeah, well,” he said shrugging. “We’re both really stoned right now…”

“Duh,” muttered Meowth, starting to look for Jesse and James.

Jesse and James were standing back to back, looking nervously around them. Both of them had a freeze gun. “You had to mention the psychotic killer,” said Jesse.

“I thought you mentioned him,” said James.

“Or her,” Jesse replied.

“Or them…”

Jesse blinked several times. “Two psychotic killers?” she asked.

“Well…two people are always killed at a time…”

“Always a guy and a girl…”

The next thing James knew, Jesse was hugging him tightly. “Maybe…the killer or killers only attacks actual couples…” Jesse said.

They looked at each other. “We have to find out,” said James.

“It could be the only thing between us,” Jesse began.

“And them!”

Brock sighed. “I’m going to give you two to the Confederate soldier ghosts if you don’t stop this,” he snapped.

“I guess you’re right Brock,” said Ash.

“We can always find out later,” said Misty.

“Yeah, find out that it’s old man Witherspoon!” Misty clobbered him with her mallet.

“Where’d you get the palm top computer from?” asked James, leaning over Jesse’s shoulder.

“My favorite store,” said Jesse. “Convenience.” She typed a few more things in. “It says he only kills couples!” Mid celebrational hug, something occurred to Jesse. “James,” she said, “does that mean we’re safe?”

“I don’t have a clue,” James said.

“Get out!”

They looked up. “W-what are those?” asked Jesse.

“They look like the ghosts of Confederate soldiers!” said James.

“What soldiers?” asked Jesse.

“Dead Southerners.”

“Oh.” They both started running. One of the ghosts made a grab for Jesse, barely missing her.

Meowth sighed. “I know you two morons are probably making out somewhere, so I’d really appreciate it if you quit tackling or thunder-shocking or whatever you’re calling it today each other and helped me sober up Clay and Allison,” he shouted. When there was no answer, he added, “I’ll leave you alone for an hour tonight if you come out now!”

Ash, Brock and Pikachu were leaning against the door. “I think the Confederate soldier ghosts are gone,” said Ash.

Misty opened the door, causing her male companions to fall on their faces. “I wonder where they went,” she said.

“I think we need to set a trap for them,” Brock suggested.

Misty nodded. “And Ash and Pikachu would make perfect bait!”

Once again, Jesse and James were back to back. This time Jesse was holding a heavy cross, while James had a super soaker full of holy water. “I hope this works,” he said.

Jesse looked down at her arm. “That’s odd,” she said.

“What?”

“Flour…from where that ghost touched me…”

“But why would a ghost be covered in flour?”

Jesse sighed. “James…don’t be an idiot. They’re not ghosts, they’re—“

“Rebecca Manderly, the spiteful spinster!” they exclaimed together.

“She’s the only one with the motive,” said Jesse.

“And the opportunity!” added James.

“Hey, numbskulls!”

“Meowth, what’re you doing here?” asked Jesse.

“Maybe he’s one of those soldier ghosts in disguise,” said James. “Remember how that ghastly could shape shift?”

Jesse nodded. “You’re right.” She picked up the cross again. “Well, Confederate ghosts, prepare for trouble!”

“You’re going to really wish you were in Dixie when we’re through with you!” added James.

After Meowth had been both beaten and squirted, Jesse and James looked down at him. “He hasn’t changed back,” said James.

“Maybe it really was Meowth,” said Jesse.

“Oh, well,” said James, shrugging and tossing the gun aside.

“Just consider this revenge for all you’ve done to us,” said Jesse, doing the same.

Meowth staggered to his feet and scratched his teammates. “Get your pathetic selves back dere! I need you to keep an eye on Clay and Allison.”

“Why us?” asked Jesse, glaring at him.

“Because you two know what it’s like to be hepped up on rare candy,” said Meowth.

“We told you, we don’t remember anything!” Jesse snapped.

“Except for that morning,” said James. Suddenly he perked up.

“Mmm…well, I don’t think Clay and Allison are going to be particulary ecstatic when dey wake up,” Meowth said.

“Okay,” said Brock. “They ghost’ll see Ash and Pikachu, run after them and slip on this oil, then fall down this laundry chute, and into the net below.”

Misty nodded. “That sounds simple enough,” she said.

“What’s all this rope for?” asked Ash.

“Well, we knew you and Pikachu weren’t too enthusiastic,” said Misty.

“Not too enthusiastic?” Ash laughed. “I don’t want to do it at all!”

“That’s why we’re going to tie you up!” said Brock.

“What?!”

Jesse and James crept towards the booth were Clay and Allison were. “I really hate Meowth for this,” Jesse muttered.

“Why hate him for this when we can hate him for so much more?” said James.

“Hmmm…you’re right…” Jesse said. “Remember the time he set off the automatic sprinkler system just because we were…ummm…training?”

“How could I forget? And what about the time he slipped us all that rare candy?”

“That was that Ketchum brat.”

“Oh. Well I hate him too!” James thought for a moment. “Although he did give me that lovely picture…”

Jesse pulled out her fan. “You told me you got rid of it,” she said.

“I did!”

“You can’t tie me up!” Ash protested. “I’m going to be a pokémon master!”

“Whoop-dee-do,” muttered Misty.

“I’ll hold him down,” said Brock. “And you tie him up.”

“Right,” said Misty. “Try to keep him from kicking or scratching.”

“Are you saying I fight like a girl?” said Ash.

“No, I’m saying you fight like Team Rocket,” said Misty.

“What? That’s even worse!” He pulled out a pokéball. “Bulbasaur! Defend my honor!”

“Starmie! Show him who’s boss!” Misty said. Starmie appeared. “Starmie!” Misty exclaimed tears coming to her eyes. She hugged her pokémon. “I haven’t seen you in so long!”

“Uhm, yeah,” said Ash. “Can we just battle?”

“Ash, I’m trying to have a sentimental reunion!” Misty snapped. “You wouldn’t understand! Your pokémon always come out when they’re supposed to!”

“So…how come psyduck didn’t come out this time?” asked Ash.

Misty smiled. “Simple. I labeled my pokéballs.”

Ash smacked himself in the forehead. “God, Misty, how hard was that?”

“Shut up!”

“Don’t worry, Jesse,” James was saying. “If the murderer or the Confederate ghosts find us, I’ve got a plan.”

“Really?” Jesse asked, beaming at him.

James nodded, grinning. “I’m going to give him our crappy pokémon!”

“What?” Jesse asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Jesse, think about it. We always use the same pokémon right? And it almost always ends in us being propelled several miles away for an excrutiatingly painful landing…”

“It’s not that bad,” said Jesse. “After all, I usually land on you.”

“I’m amazed we’re not dead yet!” He looked at her. “Speaking of which, when we were trapped in that cave with the extinct pokémon, how did we get out?”

“I…don’t know…”

Something creaked nearby. Jesse and James immediately leapt into each other’s arms. “We’re doomed, aren’t we?” asked Jesse. They clasped hands and looked into each other’s eyes. They both started to say something, then shook their heads. “We probably shouldn’t bother,” Jesse said.

James nodded. “Probably not…”

Ash buried his face in his hands. “I do fight like Team Rocket!” he wailed.

“Ash, don’t get so upset about it,” said Misty.

“But my bulbasaur just lost to a pokémon that’s been in a pokéball for months!” Ash stood up. “That’s it! I’m going back home, re-enrolling in school, and getting a real job!”

“What?!” exclaimed Misty and Brock.

“If we’re not dead, what do you want to do tonight?” Jesse asked as they huddled behind several dusty old prizes and waited for imminent death.

“I don’t know…” said James. “What’s on TV tonight?”

“We could always watch those videos we rented when we were supposed to be at that meeting,” Jesse suggested.

“Mondo’s a great kid, isn’t he?” James asked.

“He’ll do practically anything we tell him to!” Jesse added, grinning.

They both sighed happily. “What movies did we get again?” asked James.

“Carrie, Blair Witch, and Spice World,” Jesse answered.

“Did we get anything that isn’t scary in case Meowth isn’t in the room?”

Jesse laughed. “If that miracle does happen, there’s also Shakespeare in Love.”

“It might. I went to the change machine at headquarters yesterday.”

She smiled. “That was a bit presumptuous of you….”

James shrugged. “You can always use coins for something…vending machines, laundry…”

“Distracting Meowth…”

They both started giggling.

“When I grow up, I, Ash Ketchum, am going to be a corporate lackey!” Ash announced.

“Pika pi?” Pikachu asked.

“That’s right, Pikachu! We’re going to middle school, then high school, then, after graduation, business school!” Pikachu, for obvious reasons, looked none too thrilled.

“Ash, you can’t give up your dream just because I beat you in one battle!” said Misty.

“No, Misty,” Ash replied. “Being a corporate lackey has been my dream all along…I just never realized it until now…thank you for helping me realize my dream!”

“Hmm…” said Brock. “The only corporations are Silph and Team Rocket…” He looked at Ash. “And I don’t think they’ll take you at either.”

“I know someone who’s been a bad bellsprout lately,” said Jesse. “A very bad bellsprout…”

“Are you going to thunder-shock him?” asked James.

“No…I think it’s time for something much more powerful…”

“I might have a TM for my sexy raichu…”

“Really? What is it?”

“I’ll let you choose…16, 8, or 21.”

“Hmm…” Jesse moved a few inches closer to him. “She already knows body slam, so…16.”

“Ooo!” They looked each other in the eyes.

“How many coins?” asked Jesse.

“I stuck a twenty in the machine,” James said.

“Wonderful.”

“But you’d better be careful,” James continued.

“Or else what?”

“I’ll use vine whip.”

They started giggling again when Jesse noticed Meowth out of the corner of her eye. “Meowth,” she said, leaning over the side of the booth. “I just remembered that I left the oven on.”

“And I think I left the water running,” said James.

“We’d better go back and turn everything on…I mean off,” Jesse added.

Meowth gave them his standard look of disbelief. “Yeah,” he said. “Hand check?”

Jesse and James both held up their hands. “Do you want our home to burn down?” asked Jesse.

“Or be flooded?” asked James.

“If you’ll at least pretend to watch your colleagues, 300 yen and you can stay here,” said Meowth.

“How much to go back home?” asked Jesse.

“Where will you be?” asked James.

“More than you can afford , and setting a trap for the murderer,” said Meowth.

“Don’t forget the Confederate soldier ghosts!” Jesse said,cheerfully handing him 150 yen.

“How much time is this buying us?” asked James, handing him 150 yen.

“Half an hour for every 300,” Meowth replied.

Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “We want a receit,” said James, handing him the entire contents of his wallet.

“And if we don’t use it now, we can get it later, right?” asked Jesse. When Meowth nodded, she pulled out her favorite shopping friends: Visa and Mastercard. “Do you take credit cards?”

“Hey, I could get into Team Rocket!” Ash whined.

“How?” asked Misty. “You don’t have the right name for it! You couldn’t even be assigned a partner!”

“Misty does have a point, Ash,” said Brock. “Face it, you’re just going to have to be a pokemon master.”

“But she beat me with her crappy starmie!” whined Ash.

“Starmie is not crappy!!”

“You’re right, Jesse,” said James. “Buying things does make you feel better!”

“And with my credit limit, we now have unlimited time,” said Jesse. “Bellsprout, I choose you…”

“Go, sexy raichu…”

“Ash, the most important thing about being a pokemon master is knowing that no matter what, you should never give up,” said Brock.

“Really?” said Ash.

Brock nodded, then lunged. “Misty, I’ve got him!”

“Ack!” Ash squirmed as Brock grabbed him. “You can’t do this!”

“Ash, don’t be such a baby,” said Misty. “Now hold still so I can tie you up to use for ghost bait.”

“But…I don’t want to be ghost bait!” Ash whined.

Brock sighed. “Ash, according to my calculations, you’re the only one who can do it,” he said.

“Why is that?”

“Well, my mom taught me never to hit girls…”

“So you’re the only one we could restrain!” Misty finished, smiling.

They dropped Ash to the ground. Misty and Brock both whipped out rubber suits and started pulling them on. “Where did you get those things?” asked Ash.

“We’re renting them from Jesse and James,” said Misty.

“Too bad they’re at least a foot taller than us…” said Brock.

Allison slowly opened her eyes. She could remember being assigned to follow Jesse and James, and she could remember realizing the psycho killer would probably be interested in her and then Prozac…lots and lots of Prozac. She looked down. All right, Allison, there’s a very good reason why you’re lying on top of someone…. she thought. And there’s also a very good reason why you’re uniform’s…um…off…okay, look in the corner, look in the corner…their clothes are there too…just look in the corner…Allison felt her stomach lurch as she noticed the abundance of grey fabric in the corner along with at least two pairs of boots. “Clay?” she asked.

“Allison?”

They both quickly sat up and stared at each other in horror.

“I think I just grew a level…”

“AAAAAHHHHH!!!”

At the sound of screaming, Jesse and James both looked up. “I guess Clay and Allison just woke up,” said Jesse.

“The right thing to do would be to go back to work now,” said James.

“Or at least try to calm them down…” Jesse looked down at her partner. Maybe it was just their usual egocentric attitudes, maybe it was the fact that there was an inch and a half of space between them, but they both started grinning. “I love being evil,” said Jesse.

They’d just gone back to their previous activities, when Clay said, “We’re sorry to interupt, but—“

“You idiot!” snapped Allison, whacking him upside the head. “We’re here to report them for doing that!”

Jesse sighed and sat up. James reluctantly did the same and handed Jesse her shirt. As Jesse pulled it on, Clay continued. “We really can’t remember a thing that happened today,” he said.

“And we just woke up near naked,” said Allison.

“So, we were just wondering if you could tell us what happened,” Clay finished.

“Did we do it?” asked Allison.

“Al!”

Allison rolled her eyes. “Come on, Clay. You’re curious too.”

“Not that curious…”

Allison put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “Well, what’re the chances of us hooking up under non-Prozac circumstances?”

“There isn’t a chance!” Clay sighed. “Al, when’re are you going to get it through your oddly colored head that I’m…” He paused, noticing that Jesse and James had stopped paying attention.

Jesse was running one finger up and down James’ chest. “Once we get them to leave,” she said.

“I think we should call out the delicious zubat,” said James. “Leech life?”

“Can I call out Hypno?”

“Of course…simultaneous attack?” Jesse started giggling.

Noticing that their sage advisors were starting to lean at a dangerous angle, Clay and Allison leapt into the booth. “We’re not gone yet,” said Allison, holding James back.

Clay was holding Jesse back. “Can you at least tell us what happened?” asked Clay.

Both sets of partners exchanged a glance. “Let’s make a deal,” said Allison. “We tell the boss you two are utterly platonic—“

“We are,” Jesse and James said instinctively.

Clay smacked his forehead. “Oh, I know what the problem is, Al,” said Clay. “You must be using the same version of ‘platonic’ as Jesse and James!”

“We’re…uhm…” James began.

“Sex buddies!” Jesse finished. She and James forced a grin and put their arms around each other’s waists.

“Also illegal,” James said to her from the corner of his mouth.

“I meant…we overdosed on rare candy again,” said Jesse.

“Again?” asked Clay.

“Wait…did…that wasn’t Prozac!” screamed Allison.

“Duh,” muttered Jesse and James.

“Then what was it?” Clay asked.

“Rare candy,” said Jesse.

“Four pounds of it,” added James.

Allison raised an eyebrow. “Why did you have four pounds of rare candy on you?” asked Allison.

Clay shook his head. “I don’t want to know,” he said.

“So…” said Allison. “Did we do it?”

“Dammit, Allison!”

“We were busy hiding from Confederate soldier ghosts,” said James.

Jesse stood up. “You two really need to relax,” she said. “We’ve all gotten hepped up on rare candy, and woken up next to someone in Team Rocket we had no intention of sleeping with!” Noticing James glaring at her, she quickly added, “And occaisionally it can lead to ‘accidentally’ getting hepped up again, or even a promotion!”

“A promotion?” asked James, Clay, and Allison.

“James, I’m sure you’ve had a few other rare candy mishaps,” Jesse said quickly.

“Well, I never told you because I thought you’d freak out, but…”

“Pikachu, please come out!” said Misty, kneeling in front of a bookshelf that Pikachu was hiding behind.

“Ka chu!” snapped Pikachu.

“You tell her, Pikachu!” cheered Ash.

“I’ve got my special pokémon food!” said Brock. “It’s pikalicious!”

“Pika pikachu pika pika pi!”

“Tell me I heard that wrong,” said Jesse, starting to turn red.

“I knew you’d freak out!” said James, covering his head with his hands.

“And put a shirt on so I can throttle you!”

Clay was looking smugly at his partner. “You see?” he said.

“It doesn’t prove anything,” snapped Allison.

“And what did you mean a promotion?” asked James.

“Well…” Jesse started blushing.

Clay and Allison sighed. “Can you reassure us now?” asked Allison.

“Oh, right,” said Jesse. “Basically, Allison, everyone’s fooled around with their partner.”

“Or someone else’s partner,” said Clay, smirking.

“That’s a different subject,” Jesse said, giving James a significant look. “And one we’ll discuss later…”

“Jesse, I was hepped up on rare candy!” James whined.

Jesse pulled out her paper fan, then hesitated slightly before whacking him on the ass with it. “I’ll deal with you later…”

“Ooo!”

“This is very reassuring,” said Clay.

“So…rare candy has long term effects?” asked Allison. She and Clay looked at each other. “It’s not fair!” Allison whined. “We’re supposed to be the only team without sexual tension!”

“That’s why the boss sent us to monitor everyone else’s!” added Clay.

“What are we going to do?”

“It really isn’t that big a deal,” said Jesse, rolling her eyes.

Allison pulled out a stack of papers. “We believe in Visa power too,” she said. “Only this is volume two.”

Clay shook his head and pulled out another stack. “Allison, the rare candy thing’s in volume four.”

“Oh…”

“He’s up to volume four?” exclaimed Jesse and James.

Clay started flipping pages. “Ahh, here it is…let’s see…multiple questions on the subject of doing it from James, Jesse strangling Meowth, odds of hooking up…” He nodded. “Yeah, you two took it quite well…”

Allison pulled her partner aside. “Clay, in case you haven’t noticed, they’re…you know,” Allison shrugged.

Clay looked back at Jesse and James. “Allison, we’ve got a situation…”

Allison sighed. “Can’t you two keep your hands off each other for five minutes?”

“No,” said James.

“Do you two want to use this spot?” Jesse asked sweetly.

“No we don’t because there’s nothing between us!” screamed Allison.

“We have no interest in each other!” screamed Clay.

Jesse snorted. “Yeah, right,” said James.

“We’re all friends here,” said Jesse. “Who have plenty of dirt on each other…you can be honest…” James leaned over and whispered something to Jesse. “Oh. Well, maybe you are telling the truth. Now get the hell out.”

“Come on, Jesse,” said James, taking his partner’s hand. “They’ve already killed the mood. Let’s go capture Pikachu.”

“Forgetting something?” asked Allison.

Jesse and James turned and saw the other two team rocket members holding up their jackets and James’ shirt. “That might help,” said Jesse.

“Oh, and Allison,” said James. “I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but…you’re missing a crucial uniform piece.”

Allison looked down. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she snapped at Clay.

Clay shrugged. “I didn’t notice.”

“How could you not notice?!” Allison covered her chest with her arms.

“At least you’re wearing the right ones!” Jesse said cheerfully.

Misty and Brock had finally managed to lure Pikachu out of hiding and had tied him to Ash. Pikachu was taking his revenge by thunder-shocking Ash every three minutes. “Now we just have to get the ghosts to come back here,” said Brock.

Up in the rafters, Team Rocket looked at each other and snickered. “I just had a brilliant idea,” said Jesse. She, James, and Meowth all pulled out bags of flour.

“Are you sure this will work?” asked James.

“How could it fail?”

“Because it’s pathetic, stupid, and ya swiped it from a poorly drawn TV show?” asked Meowth.

Back down on the floor, Misty and Brock hid behind a few boxes, waiting. Two of the ghosts lurched out of the shadows and began lumbering towards Ash and Pikachu.

“Auugh! Misty! Brock! Aren’t you going to save me now?” screamed Ash, trying to scoot away from the ghosts.

“Ash, you’re the bait,” said Misty. “If we saved you, it wouldn’t work!”

Team Rocket jumped down behind Brock and Misty. “Prepare for trouble,” said Jesse.

“Aaaahhh! It’s Team Rocket!” screamed Brock and Misty.

“And they’re dead! Yes!” cheered Ash.

“Hand over your pokémon,” said Jesse. She looked at her partner. “I said, prepare for trouble.”

“Oh, sorry. Make it double,” James said sheepishly.

The Confederate soldier ghosts turned towards Jesse and James. “Get out!” they growled.

“Aaahhh!” Jesse and James screamed and hugged each other, causing a cloud of flour to explode around them.

The two ghosts looked at each other. “Let’s see who we really are!” they said in unison, then peeled off their masks.

“How were you two able to scare us while you were hepped up?” asked Jesse.

“Simple,” said Allison. “We used a floating, pre-programmed projector.”

“Jesse, I think it’s safe to let go of James now,” Clay added.

“And vice versa.”

“We find you frightening,” said Jesse.

“And if you don’t want the boss to find out about your…activities, we’re going to require some cash,” said James.

Allison snorted. “Ha! Look who’s talking!”

“Have you no respect for da dead?” asked Meowth.

“You’re not dead, you’re just covered in flour,” said Allison.

“Which, by the way, doesn’t fool anyone,” said Clay.

Ash and friends looked at each other and laughed nervously.

“We really could use the money,” said Jesse, giving them a pathetic look.

“No,” said Clay and Allison.

“Well, what now?” asked James.

“I think these brats should prepare for trouble,” said Jesse, stepping away from James and wiping the flour off her face.

“I think they should make it double,” said James, brushing the flour out of his hair.

“To protect the world from devastation,”

“To unite all peoples within her and my, joint, yet clearly separate nation,”

“To denounce the evils of truth and love,” Clay and Allison burst out laughing.

“To extend our non-connected reaches to the stars above,”

“Jesse!”

“James!”

“Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!”

“Surrender now, or prepare to fight!”

“Meowth! Dat’s right!”

“Go, Arbok!” said Jesse. “Get that Pikachu!”

“Go Wheezing!” shouted James.

“ Hitmonlee! Kick some ass!” shouted Allison.

“Hitmonchan! Punch…some ass,” said Clay.

Misty and Brock looked expectantly at Ash. “I can’t fight!” Ash yelled at them. “I’m tied up!”

“Oh yeah…” said Misty and Brock.

“Go Vulpix!” shouted Brock.

“Go…” Misty looked down at the label on the pokéball, “Staryu!”

“Vull!”

“Psy!”

“Dammit!” screamed Misty, throwing the pokéball at Psyduck’s head.

“Psy!” cried Psyduck, rubbing its head.

Brock and Ash exchanged a glance. “We really need to talk to her about that,” said Brock.

“Or turn her into the SPCA,” said Ash. “Even Team Rocket treats their pokémon better than that!”

“Arbok, bind!” shouted Jesse.

“Charrbok!”

“Vuuhl!” screamed Vulpix as Arbok wrapped itself around her.

“Hitmonlee, rolling kick!” Allison shouted.

“Psyduck, get hit in the head until you stop sucking!” shouted Misty.

“Pikachu, chew through these ropes!” said Ash. Pikachu nodded.

“Chu!”

“Al, you wouldn’t happen to have anything that could speed this up, do you?” asked Clay. “That Misty girl scares the hell out of me…”

“Even Team Rocket treats their pokémon better,” said Ash.

Brock snorted. “Ash, there are homicidal maniacs who treat their pokémon better!”

“It’s just to toughen ‘em up!” Misty protested. “Look what ‘Family Hug Time’ has done to Team Rocket’s pokémon!”

“’Family hug time’?” asked Jesse, James, and Meowth.

Misty soon found herself surrounded by Team Rocket. “Misty, sometimes pokémon just plain suck,” Jesse said from her left.

“And there’s nothing you can do about it,” added James from her right.

“Of course, sometimes they’ll briefly stop sucking…”

“But then they always start again.” Jesse and James sighed.

“But I have better pokémon!” whined Misty.

Allison had pulled out a large bag and began to rummage through it. “Let’s see…well, I would’ve grabbed one of those pistol bras if the lab hadn’t been mysteriously out of them…” Jesse and James looked at the floor. “So…” Allison pulled out a small vial. “What’s…no, that won’t work.” She reached back into the bag.

Jesse and James each held up a pokéball. “You think we don’t?” asked Jesse.

“Well, they have a tendency to suck too…” said James.

“But you can use them! I want to use better pokémon!” Misty whined. “Why do you hate me so much, you stupid psyduck?!” Jesse handed her a flier. “What’s this?”

“We’ve all had to deal with sucking pokémon,” said Jesse.

“But now you don’t have to go it alone,” added James.

“Da Double Trouble Support Hotline,” finished Meowth.

“Because we care about you and your pokémon!” the three of them said in unison.

Misty read the flier. “Hey! This is a 900 number!”

Clay grabbed the bag from Allison and pulled a small object out. “Good enough,” he said, chucking it onto the ground.

“Clay?”

“Uh-huh?”

“That was fear toxin.”

“Crap.”

“Da Boss trusts you numbskulls with fear toxin?” asked Meowth.

“What kind of numbskulls have a support line with a 900 number?” asked Ash.

“Uhm…where’s Misty?” asked Brock.

“Misty, get back here!”

“We probably shouldn’t stand here breathing it in,” said Jesse. She and James were slowly moving closer to each other.

“Probably not,” said Clay as Misty stomped back into the room, glaring at her friends. “Do we have any gas masks?”

“Left ‘em back at Headquarters,” said Allison.

“Well, thank you, Allison, for arranging it so we can die a horrible, suffocating death!”

Misty glanced over her shoulder. “We’re not really going to die, are we?” she asked quietly.

Jesse and James, fear professionals that they were, were now in a full body hug. “When does it wear off?” asked Jesse.

“I don’t know!” said Allison.

“Well…is it that kind where you start hallucinating about your phobias?”

Everyone looked at Misty. “What?” she asked. “Why’re you all staring at me?”

“Because you’re afraid of bugs,” said Ash.

“So if the fear toxin made us hallucinate about our phobias–“ Allison began. She was interrupted by a scream from Jesse and James.

“I’m old and ugly!” they screamed, looking at their still gloved hands. Then they looked at each other. “Aaaahhh!!”

“Allison, find the damn antidote!!” said Clay.

Allison looked down at him. He was pressed against the floor. “Acrophobic?” She asked. Her partner nodded. She then noticed Ash at her knees. “What?” she asked.

“Gary’s ahead of me, isn’t he?” he asked, shivering.

“Don’t we have any bug repellent?” screamed Misty.

“Wait, don’t go in dere!” Meowth screeched. “Mom! Dad...noooo!!!”

Allison massaged her temples. Right now, all she seemed to feel was a headache and the urge to smack everyone in the room upside the head. The urge got even stronger when Jesse gave her a pathetic look and asked, “Do you know where James is?”

“You mean the person you’re currently holding in a death grip?” Allison asked.

“That’s not James!” hissed Jesse. “It’s Giovanni!”

Allison thought for a moment. “Dammit, Jesse! Now I’m going to be afraid of him too!” She sighed when she noticed James giving her a similar look. This is quite an interesting phenomenon Allison said to herself. Jesse and James want to be nowhere near each other, but they’ve got some weird magnetic deal that causes them to gravitate to each other when scared... “What is it?” she asked James while noticing the two alternating between squirming and clinging. “And Jesse’s right there.”

James shook his head. “Don’t be fooled,” he said in a loud whisper. “It just really looks like her...”

It was at that point that Allison realized she’d discovered a blackmail gold mind that had to be tapped before the fear toxin wore off.

Fifteen minutes later... “So, you’re fear of insects swarming over you and ripping your skin off,” Allison said, looking at Misty who screamed at the thought. “And you’re fear of dying alone and unloved...” Brock started crying again. “While, Meowth, you’re working through the psycological trauma of your parents’ death that has made you fear rejection ever sense...and you two...” She looked at Jesse then James. “Well, other than the ‘duh, we all saw that one coming’ fears, Jesse, you’re afraid of Giovanni which...” Allison thought for a moment, then started writing again, “Which is very interesting after mentioning rare candy and a promotion...and James...something about being afraid of someone who looks like Jesse?” There was a group terrified scream. “Okay then. As for you, Pikachu-brat–“ Allison paused and looked at Jesse. “Actually, screw him, I want to know why you’re so afraid of Giovanni...you slept with him, didn’t you?”

Jesse’s eyes widened. “Don’t tell James!”

“Don’t worry, my friend. Silence is golden.”

Jesse sighed. “How much is it going to cost?”

Allison whipped out her check book. “Well...since Clay and I went on a shopping spree the other–“

”Hey, why aren’t you affected?”

Allison froze, suddenly realizing that the jig was up. “I guess I just developed an immunity to fear toxin,” she said.

“Sounds like code for ‘give her a bigger dose,’” said Clay, scraping himself off the floor.

Jesse and James met each other in the middle of the room and discreetly grabbed each other’s hand as tightly as they could. “We’ve got gas masks if you’ve got fear toxin,” said Jesse. Clay held up a vial. Jesse and James dropped each other’s for long enough to pull their gas masks on and toss them to the others before immediatly starting to hold hands again.

Allison, seeing that things were not going well for her decided to do the only thing she could think of. “They call us babes in arms,” she started singing. “They think they must direct us...”

“This is going to be stuck in your head for months, by the way,” Clay informed the others as he dangled two vials of fear toxin in front of his partner.

“Great,” muttered Jesse.

“But if we’re babes in arms/We’ll make them all respect us,” Allison continued with waning gusto.

Clay dropped the two vials.

“What’re you kids doing up here?”

“It’s Old Man Witherspoon!” everyone with the power of speech screamed.

“I don’t think you kids should be snooping around up here,” said Old Man Witherspoon. “Now git before I call the cops!” His eyes suddenly widened. “You aren’t....meddling kids, are you?” he whimpered, starting to cower. “You came here just to keep me from getting away with it, didn’t you? You and your dog!” Old Man Witherspoon started crying.

Allison wiped her eyes on her sleeve and looked nervously at Jesse and James. “I don’t fit in here, do I?” Before the could answer, she nodded and said, “I should never have joined Team Rocket! I suck at capturing pokémon and everyone hates me and...I’m never going to amount to anything...”

Jesse, James, and Meowth exchanged a glance. “This sounds familiar,” said James.

“And I’m never even going to find anyone who cares about me because my partner is a fairy!”

“So does that,” muttered Jesse.

“And it’s only a matter of time before Jesse kills my fairy partner anyway...”

“Hon, I know you’re having your darkest fears dragged to the surface, but could you please stop calling me a fairy?” asked Clay.

“I’m so afraid of being alone...” said Allison. She walked over to Old Man Witherspoon and held open her arms. “Hold me..”

Jesse blinked several times. “We’re leaving,” she announced.

“Definately leaving,” added James.

“This is way too scary for me,” said Ash.

Later that night, Jesse suddenly remembered something potentially dangerous. “I never paid off Allison!” she gasped.

“Don’t worry about it,” said Meowth.

“Because Allison’s a sweet, trust worthy girl who idolizes me?”

“No, because we already overheard it,” said James.

“Oh.” Jesse felt like she was going to be sick. All right, Jesse she said to herself. There’s probably going to be a slight fall out over this...James’ll probably start yelling and acting very...jealous. Jesse tried to repress a smile and failed.

James gave her a disgusted look. “Why would you do something like that?” he asked her.

Damn! Jesse silently swore. “Because of that promotion we wanted?”

“Jesse, I didn’t care if we were promoted or not! I was happy as long as we were–didn’t get fired!”

“Oh...” Noticing the slightly queasy and disgusted look he was giving her, Jesse resisted the urge to scream at him, “I only slept with someone else to help you!” It probably wouldn’t help and definately didn’t sound too good. Instead, she settled for, “Well...it’s not like I actually slept with him...”

Meowth nodded. “I was dere. Dey didn’t go all the way.”

“You knew about this?” asked James, glaring at him.

“Oh, relax, James,” Meowth said with a wave of his hand. “Da three of you were all so hepped up on rare candy it could’ve just as easily have been you!”

“That’s comforting...” James muttered.

There was an awkward silence. “Well...we may not have our dignity now that Allison knows all of our deepest fears, but at least we have our...” Jesse stopped. “Dammit, is there anything that makes up for the fact that Allison can now blackmail us for just about anything?”

“We did see her ask Old Man Witherspoon for a hug,” said Meowth.

James stood up. “I’m going to bed,” he announced calmly.

Jesse sighed as he left the room. Meowth smirked at her. “Don’t worry about him not acting too jealous,” he said.

“Why would I be?”

“If I know James, he’s either working on his Giovanni imitation or planning to kill him.”

Jesse folded her arms across her chest. “That is so sexist,” she said. “What if I started it?”

“Did you? Because I call tell James to plot your death.”

“James couldn’t kill me, and I didn’t. The Boss scares the hell out of me.”

Meowth sighed. “I really don’t understand you two,” he said. “The Boss is no more frightening than Santa Claus!” He smiled. “He’s full of love and happiness!”

Jesse stared at him, then hurried into the next room. James was flipping through several catalogues. “Ooo! It hacks and slashes!” he said.

“James?”

He looked up. “Oh, hi, Jesse,” he said. “I’m just trying to figure out how we’re going to capture Pikachu tomorrow!”

Jesse leaned over his shoulder. “That’s...pretty impressive,” she said, looking at it. “Can it dig holes?” When he smiled, she added, “You haven’t done anything with...that moron everyone says looks like me, have you?”

“Jesse, we were...what? Seven?”

“Well, you saw her while I saw Giovanni so I figured...”

He looked her in the eyes. “She did teach me the proper way to play doctor.”

“Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not.”

Jesse looked at him carefully. It sounded made up, but it was very hard to tell when James was telling a bold faced lie about his past or not. Well, except for the times he slipped up and said he died, and even then Jesse sometimes had problems telling if it was a lie... “I could help you kill Giovanni,” she offered after a long silence. “We could dig a hole…”

“Then throw a net over him…”

“Then whack him in the back of the head with our shovels!” they exclaimed, hugging. Over her shoulder Jesse saw Meowth smiling smugly.

“Are you purring?” she asked him.

“I’ve just got something caught in my throat,” Meowth lied.

Poor Old Man Witherspoon…maybe he’ll finally be able to scare off Ma and Pa Waterflower someday! But what about our heroes? Will they ever be able to live down their frightening experiences? And just how much does blackmail cost these days anyway?

To be continued…