Disclaimer: I own nothing. I own Clay and Allison...but I don't own much about them anymore!

Rating: Title is from South Park, so...let's say...R-ish.

Other: Wow, a real title! Congratulate Zelda on this remarkable achievement at lovely_zelda@hotmail.com! And playing those sex games is what my friend's mom strongly believes killed Jon Benet Ramsey...

In an upstairs room of Team Rocket's nursing home, Cassidy looked at the clock and sighed. In a chair across from her, Annie continued talking. "Now, I don't see what the big fuss is over that...what was her name again?"

"M-something?" suggested Aido, Annie's second partner.

"Miya..."

"Musashi?"

"No, that's not it. Well, anyway, I don't know why people are so interested in her. I hated that bitch. Have you met her daughter, Butch?

"Yes, Grandma," Butch replied.

"Trampy little slut, just like her mother," Annie declared. "Happiest day of my life was when they sent Miyamusa or whatever to look for that little pink thing...what was it called?"

"Moo?" asked Aido.

"That's the one," said Annie. "Now, back in my day there were only one hundred pokemon...not like today where there are one hundred and fifty one with more being discovered everyday. No sir, we were happy to have a hundred." Annie blinked several times before turning to her grandson and asking, "What is it you do again, Benny?"

"I'm in Team Rocket," Butch replied. He'd learned long ago that it was useless to try to correct his grandmother in the name department.

"That's nice dear," Annie said before turning back to her partner. "I never quite understood what he does. All sorts of new fangled things with satellite dishes--back in my day we appreciated the value of a fishing net." Aido nodded. "But at least I always know when my boy is working...that's when the cable goes out. I said to Oakley just the other day--"

"You did it again!" snapped Aido.

"Did what?" asked Annie.

"You just called me 'Oakley'!"

"Oh, get over it. So anyway, I says to Aido, "My little Bob must be on another mission--look, the cable's all screwed up...he must be hooking one of them ugly yellow things up to one of those satellite dealies." Annie sighed. "Beauregard, when are you going to get yourself some pokemon of your own?"

"Yeah, Beau, when are you?" asked Cassidy.

"Jesse and James have four pokemon," Annie continued.

"That's two each," Aido elaborated.

"Jesse and James suck, Grandma," Butch replied.

"Did I ask for your opinion, Mr. Math Genius?" Annie snapped at Aido, hitting him with her cane. She then hit Butch. "And what did I tell you about using that kind of language?"

"But they do," Butch mumbled while Cassidy tried to keep from laughing.

"Now, as I was saying, I know how Miyamondo died," Annie said.

"Little tramp," added Aido.

"Now, some people say it was in an avalanche while looking for that Moo thing..."

"Demon in the sack though..."

"Yes, but that's beside the point. Now...what was I saying?"

"You were telling us how Miyamoto really died, Grandma," said Butch.

"That's right," Annie said, nodding. "She died playing those sex games. That's the way all those little perverts in the White Squad are going to die--playing those sex games. You know what white stands for, don't you?"

"Uhm..." said Butch. He was now staring desperately at the clock.

"Purity?" Cassidy guessed without much interest.

"Ha!" Annie snorted.

"Annie, do you think you should be saying things like that?" asked Aido.

"Look who's talking, you pervert. I don't want to hear another word out of you." Annie glared at him before going off on yet another tangent. "I don't like those white uniforms. Too flashy. Don't even get me started on that Grey Squad they've got now...like somebody took the worst of the White Squad and mixed it with the worst of the Black Squad."

"Weren't we in the White Squad once?"

"There was no White Squad back then."

"Oh, that's right..."

"Grandma, there are only three people in the White Squad," Butch reminded her.

"And they're all hooligans!" snapped Annie. "Sucky little pervert hooligans!--Did I ever tell you how Miyakojiro died?"

"Yes, Grandma."

"It was playing those sex games that finally did her in!"

"Wasn't she on the white squad?" asked Aido.

"I told you, there was no white squad," said Annie. "Wasn't a grey either. Back then there weren't any perverts or pretty boys who needed to be put in their own special squads.”

"Who's in the Grey Squad again?" Aido asked.

"I don't know...Claire and Albert or something like that. All they do is smoke pot and watch that Rocky Ho-bag thing..."

"Damn hippies!"

"Watch your mouth!" Annie swung at him with her cane again, but this time Aido managed to duck. "First time I laid eyes on Clarissa and Armand I knew they were two a them worthless theater kids. Gotta watch out for them theater people..."

"I did some theaterin' when I was younger...Got the lead in some play...one of them Greek ones..."

"They're all a bunch of homos, pickpockets, and sluts."

"Medea, I think it was..."

"Can't bury 'em in normal graveyards either. Those kind of people don't have souls, you know."

Cassidy looked at the clock again. "Wow, Annie, this really is fascinating, but we--"

"My mother did tell me a way to get rid of them though," Annie said, cutting her off. "All you need is some burlap, a couple of rocks, and one of them fool awards. An Oscar works best, but if you can find a Tony, that'll do. Now, get some string, I'd suggest wearing some garlic around your neck..."

Elsewhere, members of Team Rocket with more pokemon were carefully planning their next attack. "Dere is no such thing as 'Strip Go Magikarp,'" snapped Meowth.

"Yes, there is," said Jesse and James.

Meowth sighed. "Can I play?" he asked.

"No," snapped Jesse. "You don't have any clothes."

Meowth pouted. "You guys never let me play games with you! You wouldn't let me play strip poker or strip monopoly or strip Mario Kart or..." Meowth trailed off, finally starting to notice a pattern to all of this. "I hate you guys!"

Meanwhile, two people with even more pokemon were discussing an important dilemma. "Well, we're broke again," Clay announced.

"Someone out there must need our talents," sighed Allison.

"Jesse's evil cousin?" Clay suggested.

"Did she threaten to kick our asses Martha Stewart style?"

"Yes...but she pays well..."

"And someone will want to go back for a rescue mission..."

They both sighed. "Oh well," Clay said. "You want to play a board game?"

"Might as well...it's not like we've got actual assigments."

"And let's keep it that way." They started to clear the table, then both looked down at a newspaper ad.

"Now here's an idea," Allison said, starting to grin evilly.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Clay, shuddering.

Several minutes later in a creepy old house, Agatha looked up from her tea that was probably made of eye of newt and ground up bats. "You're a handsome boy," she said to Clay. "Such a pity you chose to volunteer..."

"For what?" Clay asked, nervously looking around at the various cobwebs and massive spiders.

"We're not volunteers," Allison explained, smiling sweetly. "We're more like...distributors. What if I told you we cuold get you two...'willing' participants?"

"What's that now?" asked Agatha, arching an eyebrow. A black meowth entered, hissed at them, then ran back the way it came.

"You give us money, we bring you two people for your sick voodoo pleasures--Allison, a word with you?" asked Clay, grabbing his partner by the arm and dragging her towards the next room.

Allison rolled her eyes. "What?"

"Isn't this slightly more wrong than our other acts of mischief?" he whispered.

Allison looked him in the eyes and said those three magic words: "Cash up front."

"It's a deal!" Clay said, eagerly shaking Agatha's hand. He ducked as a stray haunter flew by.

"Sure you don't want to stick around, sonny?" asked Agatha, winking at him. "You're quite handsome...just like that old duff Oak used to be." She turned away, sighing unhappily.

Clay and Allison exchanged a glance. "Good deed time?" asked Allison.

"Someone has to do it," Clay replied.

"It's practically our civic duty," Allison aggreed.

"And it shouldn't take that long."

"Exactly."

"Got any twos?" asked James.

Jesse looked at her partner, who so far had only lost his jacket. She then looked down at her hand, which contained three twos. "No. Go Magikarp," she said, then watched unblinking as James took off his black T-shirt. Meowth looked down at her hand, then rolled his eyes. He then walked over to spy on James. "Got any Jacks?" Jesse asked.

James looked at Jesse, who, through the magic of jewelry, was only earringless. He then looked at his two Jacks. "No. Go Magikarp."

Meowth smacked himself in the forehead. "It only woiks if one of you cheats," he said.

Jesse and James stared at him. "I'm not cheating!" Jesse said indignantly.

"Why would we cheat?" asked James.

They then looked at each other. "Are you cheating?" they asked. "You know the cheating penalty!"

Meowth suddenly felt ill as both Jesse and James started grinning. "Did I say cheating?" he asked. "And what is da cheating penalty for this game you two just made up?" Please say ten lashes, please say ten lashes...

"Article of clothing," said Jesse. Meowth shuddered.

That was when smoke started to fill the room. "Kiss my--uh-oh, Allison!" Clay said in a sing-song voice. "I think we interrupted something!"

"Make it double," Allison replied. "See, I told you so."

Clay stuck his tongue out at her. "Nobody likes a smug heterosexual, Al."

"Shut up, heterophobe."

"I am not a heterophobe!"

"Got any fours?" asked James.

Clay and Allison glared at Jesse and James. "In case you didn't notice, we're on the verge of saying our motto," said Allison.

"All the more reason for us to keep talking," said Jesse. She looked down at her cards. Naturally, there was a four. She looked back at James. She then looked at Clay who also seemed to appreciate the finer things in life, such as James in nothing but black boxer briefs. Sighing, Jesse handed her partner the four.

"She insulted our motto," said Clay.

"Clay, our motto sucks," Allison reminded him. They both pulled out whips. "Principle of the thing?"

"Definitely."

Jesse and James both gave Meowth their best puppy dog eyes. "Sorry, Jesse, I ain't buyin' it," the cat replied. "And I've got a date with Vaporeon."

"What a coincidence," Jesse said bitterly.

"We're hoping that any day now we'll have a fine litter of vaporeowths!" Clay said cheerfully.

Allison crossed her fingers. "Please no hybrids, please no hybrids," she chanted.

Professor Oak was looking after his ponytas when Clay and Allison appeared, dragging a bound and gagged Jesse and James behind them. "Oh, hello again," Professor Oak called.

"Mmmph! Mmm-mmm!" Jesse and James screamed at him.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Mmmfff!"

"Krabby, would you go fix the tea?"

"Koo-kee, koo-kee!" Krabby chriped before scuttling off in the kitchen direction.

"Now, we aren't ones to stand in the way of true love," Clay began.

"We're not?" asked Allison, looking at James.

Clay elbowed her. "No, we're not. So, we decided to take a little detour..."

"You see, we're on our way to Agatha's place--"

"Ahh, Agatha," Professor Oak sighed, wiping a sentimental tear from his eye. "She was my one true love..."

"Mmm?!" screamed Jesse and James.

Jesse squirmed until one of her arms was free, then ripped the duct tape off her mouth. "You told us Annie was your one true love!" She then ripped the tape off of James' mouth.

"Ow! What was waste of time that trip was," James muttered.

"We're not quitters," Clay and Allison replied.

"Are you calling us quitters?" asked Jesse.

"Who's tied up?" asked Allison.

"We are," Jesse and James said dejectedly.

"Who's fully dressed?" asked Clay. "Not that I'm complaining..."

"You are," Jesse and James said, now starting to back away from him. Well, James was doing most of the backing away since he was almost completely naked.

"Exactly," said Allison.

"Just the way it should be," said Clay before drifting off into another one of those daydreams involving hot springs and scantily clad people that seemed to feature largely in Team Rocket's collective imaginations.

"She was beautiful once," Professor Oak sighed, still lost in memories of yesteryear.

"Seventeen hours in that Delorean," Jesse muttered.

"How do you know it was seventeen?" asked James.

"Meowth told me,"Jesse replied.

"Too bad she's a withered old corpse now," said Allison.

"Isn't it though?" Professor Oak asked.

"And she said the exact same thing about you!" Clay added.

"And that all you want to do is fiddle with your PokeDex," said Allison. All four members of Team Rocket burst out laughing.

"I don't see what's so funny," said Professor Oak. "My PokeDex is very important to me. And if you don't 'fiddle with it' it'll never get any bigger."

"He's right you know," said James. "It's important for your Pokedex to grow and expand..."

"Exactly," Professor Oak agreed, not noticing that the Rockets were still laughing at him.

Jesse and James abruptly stopped laughing and started realizing that they were tied together and scantily clad. Tied together with whips and duct tape, no less. "Can you untie us?" they asked Clay and Allison.

"No," said Allison.

Jesse and James looked at each other again, then shrugged, deciding to improvise. Clay and Allison just barely managed to move fast enough to hold them as apart as possible. "I told you we shouldn't have tied them up together," said Clay.

"I didn't want to have to drag them separately," said Allison.

"So once your trap is all set up," Annie was saying, "you hold up that Tony or whatever and yell, 'Hey, Carl and Alexandria! You've won this Tony for your last little nancy boy plan!' It could happen too, because all those two ever seem to be able to do is sing."

"And dance," added Aido.

"Oh really?" Annie asked. "And how do you know?"

"No use in singing if you can't dance."

"I heard those opera twits don't believing in dancing. Them people can't walk and chew gum at the same time neither.."

"Carl and Alexandra ain't exactly singing opera. And what about that show..."

"What show?"

"The one with no story."

"That's all of 'em, Aido."

"The one where they don't even pretend, you know...the animal one? Nidorans?"

"Oh yes...err...was it Ponytas?"

"Growlithes?"

"Chicolitas?"

"It's Meowths, Grandma," said Butch.

"Why anyone would pay $8 to see a bunch of fools dancing around in fur and leotards is beyond me," said Annie, shaking her head.

Butch and Cassidy stared at her. "$8?" asked Cassidy. "What have you been smoking?"

"Cassidy, don't talk to my grandmother like that," said Butch.

"What, it's more?" asked Annie. "Back in my day a Broadway show was $8...and it was still a waste of money! How much are these things now?"

"$15, Grandma," Butch lied.

"Ridiculous," Annie snorted. "When I was a little girl, my father took me to see that one with the freak and the music box...It was about this phantom that haunted an opera...I believe it was called 'Opera Ghost.'"

"Annie?" said Aido.

"What?"

"Opera Ghost didn't come out until 1989."

"Well, whatever. I must've seen that other one then...with that song 'Johnny One-Note'...good song, even if one of those Raymond and Hammersen men helped write it. Can't stand them. Perverts." Just then, two very familiar looking nurses entered. "Oh good. My grandson would like some cookies."

"We're nurses," said the blue eyed nurse.

"Yes, I noticed," Annie replied sharply. "Some pie would be nice too."

"Dammit, Jesse, I'm a Nurse Joy, not a waitress!" whined the green eyed nurse.

"Did you say Jesse?" asked Butch.

The two nurses exchanged a glance. "Might as well," said the green-eyed one.

"Since the jig is up...prepare for trouble!" shouted the blue eyed one.

"Make it double..."

"What are you two doing here?" snapped Cassidy.

"Yeah, leave my grandmother alone!" snapped Butch.

"Oh, hurrah," Annie said sarcastically. "It's Jerry and Janice. Did you have to invite your little friends, Bosco?"

"Oh, he didn't invite us," said Jesse.

"He didn't invite us either," added another female voice.

Clay and Allison both leapt out of nowhere. "Thanks for the drama queen catching instructions," Clay said with a wink.

"No more talk of drama boys," sang Allison to the tune of "All I Ask of You." "Forget those made-up fags/In drag, they're no good for you/Eventually they'll bore you..."

"Backstage he groped me," Clay sang to the tune of "Phantom of the Opera." "In the wings he came--"

"TMI," muttered Allison.

"And since he stole the lead/I ruined his good name," Clay stopped singing and sighed wistfully. "Memory...all alone in the moonlight."

"You know, I can smile at the old days," said Allison.

"I was beautiful then," said Clay.

"I remember the time I knew what happiness was..."

"Let the memory live again."

"That was just for you, Annie."

By now Jesse, James, Butch, and Cassidy were glaring at the overdramatic duo and the two ancient Rockets. "I can't believe this," said Jesse.

"Why does everything have to be about them..." said James, pouting.

"When it should be about us?" Jesse and James finished together.

“Hmm…we probably should’ve just run when they untied us,” James added.

“Why did we agree to this?” asked Jesse. “Other than the fact that we need more stage time?”

"Look, we're only here to prove that we found Oak's real true love and you guys are full of crap," Allison reminded her.

"After that, we're going fishing for drama queens!" said Clay.

"Well, after we drag you two to Agatha."

"A deal is a deal..."

"Although we do have this healthy down payment..."

"Oakley," said Annie, tears starting to come to her eyes. "I remember him now..."

"Now?" asked Aido. "You called me Oakley half an hour ago! And didn't Jebediah and Jezebel come here awhile back to remind you?"

"Quiet you," snapped Annie. "He was an eccentric little wuss...still, we did have a drunken orgy now and then..."

"Wait a minute," said Jesse. "You told me you never touched him!"

"Shut up, Jennifer. I'm old. Things get away from me now and then...but that's why after the cops caught him I realized he'd left me a little momento..."

"You mean..." said Cassidy.

"Botch's grandfather is Professor Oak," said James, smirking.

"What?!" exclaimed Butch.

"Oh, didn't I tell you?" asked Annie. She shrugged. "Must've slipped my mind."

"While we're discussing family secrets--" Clay was cut off by his partner.

"Shut up, Clay!" Allison snapped.

"But we've got such good ones!"

"Can we talk about something less depressing?" asked Jesse and James.

"Like world hunger?" Jesse suggested.

"Or nuclear winter?" suggested James.

Allison stared at them. "Didn't you have happy families?" she asked.

Jesse and James burst out laughing. "I ate snow, and my mother died looking for a gelatinous pink blob," said Jesse.

"I'm engaged to an evil Southern belle dominatrix," said James.

"Oh, Jesse's evil cousin, you loveable scamp!" laughed Clay.

"My family sucks too," said Allison. "But at least I have my luneon!" she added, hugging the pokeball with the silvery pink eevee evolution inside.

Ash-tachi, meanwhile, had decided to screw the Orange League for the moment and visit Professor Oak. Tracey was naturally bouncing up and down with glee. "Wow, I hope he remembers me!" he exclaimed.

"Hello, Ash," Professor Oak said, looking quite flushed as he opened the door.

"Hi, Professor Oak!" Ash said cheerfully.

"Hello, Misty," Professor Oak said. "And hello to you too, Togepi!"

"Briii!" squealed Togepi.

Professor Oak then knelt down to pet Pikachu. "Pikachu certainly looks healthy, Ash. It looks like you've been taking good care of him!" Professor Oak then looked up and noticed Tracey. "Brock, are you feeling all right? You look a bit pale..."

Tracey's lower lip began trembling. He then ducked behind Gary's house and began sobbing hysterically. "That's not Brock, Professor Oak,"said Ash.

"It's some pokemon watcher kid we found in the Orange Islands," Misty explained.

"Oh..." said Professor Oak. "What the hell is a 'pokemon watcher'?"

Ash, Misty, and Pikachu shrugged. Out of the corner of his eye Ash saw his mother trying to sneak out a window. "Mom, what're you doing at Professor Oak's house?" he asked.

Ash's mom immediatly turned bright red. "Nothing, honey! Just visiting your krabby!"

"She's going to get krabbies if she's not careful," muttered Misty.

"Your luneon sucks," snapped Clay. "Now let's get this old flames convention going."

Allison snickered. "You know, Clay, I thought you'd enjoy an afternoon of flaming fun!"

"You're not funny, Allison. Now how do we get out of this geriatric maze?"

"Just go straight--" Cassidy began.

"We never go straight," said Clay. Allison rolled her eyes. "Always gaily forward."

"Speak for yourself," Allison muttered.

"What's going on now?" asked Annie.

"We're going to pay a little visit to Professor Oak," said Jesse.

"Since we know you're the genuine old flame," added James.

"Now, see here, Annie," said Aido, slowly getting to his feet. "I didn't say much when that little tramp told me you had another partner--"

'Didn't say much?' Ha!" Annie laughed. "You bitched and moaned for weeks!"

"But this is going a bit too far!"

Annie glared at him. "I don't think the face of erectile disfunction who hasn't bothered to commit in the past forty years has any say in what I do!"

"We're leaving," Jesse and James announced.

"Us too," announced Clay and Allison.

Aido glared at James and Clay. "Sure, you may be young and virile now," he said.

"Well, Clay maybe," said Cassidy. "We're still not sure about 'Little Jim'..."

James buried his face in his hands. "Why do you hate me, Jesse?"

"You may be able to get any girl you want," Aido continued.

"Goody," Clay said sarcastically.

"What's he going to do with her?" asked Allison.

"Overdose on rare candy and make out in an abandoned amusement park?" suggested Jesse.

"Or a Victoria's Secret dressing room," added James.

"You want to take this outside?" asked Allison.

"Oh, Allison, stop denying it," said Clay. "I'm the best you've ever had and you know it!"

Allison's eyes lit up. "Gee golly, Clay," she said sarcastically. "How could I have been so blind? Why, you must be my studly kakuna, and I simply can't wait to feel you--"

"Ewww!" screamed Clay, covering his ears. "You sick little monkey."

Allison rolled her eyes. "I was going to say 'poison sting,' pervert."

"Kakunas don't know poison sting!"

"Weedles know it!"

"And string shot!" James helpfully supplied, causing Jesse to elbow him in the ribs.

Aido and Annie exchanged a glance. "Smoking pot," they said, nodding.

“Will you just come with us?” asked Jesse.

“We really need to win this one,” added James.

“I’ll meet you there,” said Annie.

“We’ll meet you there,” said Aido.

“How exactly are we getting to Pallet Town?” asked Jesse.

Allison happily threw a pokeball. “Luneon, go!”

“Luneon!”

“My luneon can teleport us!” she said. Clay began crying.

Three minutes later, Jesse, James, and Clay looked down at themselves. “Why are we clear?” screamed Clay. “Why couldn’t you just get a kadabra or a jigglypuff or something that works?!”

“Suck it up, Clay,” said Allison, still hugging Luneon. “We’re not that clear.”

Jesse and James were fear hugging as tears streamed down their cheeks. “She’s going to kill us!” they wailed.

“Oh, whine, whine, whine,” said Allison. “Our molecules are all in the right places, right?”

Jesse and James then looked at each other. “Uhm…not exactly…” they said.

“I’m sort of looking at myself,” said James.

“Me too,” added Jesse.

“And damn I’m sexy!” they both said.

“Feh,” said Allison. “Who cares if you two switched bodies?”

“Who’ll notice?” added Clay.

“Well, James’ll stop cross dressing…”

“But then he won’t have any skills to put on his resume!” After a good laugh, Clay and Allison both looked down at their hands. “We’re still clear…”

“Should we try again?” asked Allison.

“No!” screamed Jesse, James, and Clay.

“Do you want to be not clear?” Allison asked her partner.

“Yes…” Clay said in a tiny little voice.

“And do you want to be in your own bodies?” Allison asked Jesse and James.

Jesse glared at her partner from James’ body. “Stop touching me there,” she said.

“I’m just adjusting my jacket,” James explained from Jesse’s body.

“No you’re not! You’re copping a feel!”

“Well, it’s my body right now!” James stuck Jesse’s tongue out at Jesse.

Allison lifted up Luneon so she could look it in its perky, slightly vacant little eyes. “Luneon, can you fix everything?”

“Nee!”

Several minutes later, Clay and Allison were less clear. James reached down and swore. Jesse kicked him for still trying to take advantage of her body, even though he was no longer in it. Then something caught her eye. "Look, James, a stray pest..."

Tracey looked up and saw four members of Team Rocket looking down on him. "Wow, those are some dirty uniforms," he said commenting on how Clay and Allison were essentially dressed like Jesse and James except for the red stripes on their gloves and boots and the mostly grey color of their uniforms.

"Get a haircut," snapped Allison.

"Grey is the new black," added Clay.

"I thought white was the new black," said James.

"White was the new black," said Clay.

"Isn't pink the new black now?" asked Jesse.

Tracey, unhindered by an inability to see, was now checking out half of the Team Rocket members.

"Who cares what the new black is? Let's just steal his pokemon!" snapped Allison.

Jesse, James, and Clay nodded, the former two for some reason actually listening to Allison. "Right."

Tracey soon found himself pinned to the ground. While Jesse and Allison each held one of his arms down, Clay and James took his pokeballs. Allison was greatly hindered by the fact that she was still holding Luneon. Meanwhile, Tracey tried to keep from smiling. "Let's see what we've got," said Clay. "Survey says--venonat. Great."

Jesse and James exchanged a glance. "We were better off with the eyeless guy's pokemon," said James.

Allison meanwhile had closed her eyes and was crossing her fingers. "Dragonair, dragonair, drago--Jesse and James, if you don't stop laughing I'm going to beat you!"

"Does the survey say dragonair?" asked Clay, throwing another pokeball.

"Marril!" cooed Marril.

"Look, Jesse, it's an obese Pikachu," said James.

Team Rocket glared at Tracey. "Do you have any non-crappy pokemon?" asked Clay.

"Because I'll be damned if I have to give the Bosses the world's gayest pikachu," added Allison.

"Bosses?" asked Jesse and James.

"Oops," Allison said softly.

"She misspoke," said Clay. "Now, what's next..."

"Dragonair!" said Allison, fingers still crossed.

"Ash's Pikachu!" said Jesse and James, hugging each other.

"Survey says," Clay shouted, throwing the third pokeball. The all stared in shock at the scyther.

“It’s probably just a ditto that was told to transform into a scyther,” Allison muttered.

"I miss Tiny Eyes," said Jesse.

"Can we have the venonat?" asked James.

Clay and Allison nodded. "Go right ahead," said Allison.

Grinning like a madman, James drew back his foot and gave Venonat a good swift kick in its ugly little ass. Venonat naturally started glowing.

"James, you're a genius!" cheered Jesse as Venonat evolved into Venomoth.

Scyther, meanwhile, was starting to glare at Team Rocket. “What pisses off scythers again?” asked Clay.

Allison rolled her eyes. “God, Clay, didn’t you pay attention during Advanced Pokemon Theft?”

“You didn’t either!”

“I think I heard somewhere that the color red causes scyther to…” James trailed off.

“Oh, shit,” said Jesse, James, Clay, and Allison.

“We’re going to die,” said Allison, ducking as Scyther swung at her. “We’re all going to die…”

“Not all of us, obviously,” said Clay.

Allison glared at him. “We could die, stupid!”

After dodging for a few more minutes, Clay asked, “Why haven’t we called out our own pokemon?”

“Or we could just take off anything we’re wearing that has red on it,” said Allison, quickly pulling off her gloves.

“Well, as much as you’d like to see me naked…speaking of nudity, aren’t we missing someone?”

Jesse and James had, in lieu of stripping down, calling out their pokemon, or putting a paper bag over Jesse’s head, had simply fled into one of the three houses in Pallet Town. “James, isn’t this the little twerp’s house?” asked Jesse.

“I think so…” said James as they both looked around. “But where’s Mrs. Ketcham?”

“I don’t know…isn’t she always here?”

“So why isn’t she here offering us cookies?”

Right on cue, the door opened. “Oh, hello, Team Rocket,” said Ash’s mom.

“Hello, Mrs. Ketcham,” Jesse and James said sweetly.

“Do you mind if we hide here?” asked James.

“Tracey attacked us with his scyther,” said Jesse.

“Oh, you poor things,” said Mrs. Ketcham, leading them into the family room. The couch still hadn’t recovered from the last violent Monopoly game/Team Rocket attack. “Where’s your friend Meowth?”

“He’s training with some other pokemon,” said Jesse.

“And we decided that since it was such a nice day,” James began.

“We’d visit Professor Oak with Clay and Allison,” Jesse finished.

“Well, isn’t that sweet of you,” said Mrs. Ketcham. “Here, I’ll get you some cookies and go have a talk with Tracey.” In a lower voice she added, “I always knew that kid had a mean streak in him.”

“You’re an excellent judge of character, Mrs. Ketcham,” Jesse replied.

“I wonder what’s wrong with Tracey,” said Misty.

“Who cares?” asked Ash. “When’s Brock coming back?”

“What if he doesn’t come back?” asked Misty.

Ash started crying. Krabby re-emerged, carrying a tray of various tea items. “Cheer up, Ash,” said Professor Oak. “Professor Ivy is very talented!”

“Oh, is she?” asked a voice from the ceiling direction.

“Team Rocket…great,” said Ash, sniffling. “Why couldn’t they have stayed with Professor Ivy?”

“Because then we would’ve gotten stuck with different Team Rocket members,” said Misty.

Two slightly hunched over figures appeared, surrounded by smoke. “Prepare for…”

“Err…nanda kanda…”

“Oh, screw it,” snapped Annie, stepping out of the small cloud of smoke.

Aido, meanwhile, was looking critically at Professor Oak. “What’s he got that I don’t?” he asked.

“Oh, hello, Annie,” Professor Oak said cheerfully.

“A-ha!” laughed a voice from the doorway. “That’s a platonic greeting!”

“We win!” added another voice.

“Where are my volunteers?” asked a third.

Clay and Allison rolled their eyes as they dragged Agatha into the room with them. “They kind of escaped, okay?” said Clay.

“We’ll search the other two houses later,” said Allison. “It was hard enough for us to escape the scyther and go to Indigo Plateau to get you in the last three minutes!”

“Not even the writers know how we did it!” said Clay, winking.

“Oh, hello, Agatha,” Professor Oak said in the exact same tone he’d used for Annie.

“What’s going on?” asked Ash.

“Just a friendly competition,” said Allison.

“By the way, how did that little loser Tracey get a scyther?” asked Clay.

“Yeah, is it just a ditto?” asked Allison.

Ash and Misty exchanged a nervous glance. “We’d better start being nicer to Tracey,” said Ash.

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Ketcham,” said Tracey, staggering to his feet. Scyther, still enraged by the sight of red was slashing down random trees.

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself,” Mrs. Ketcham said, glaring at him. “Attacking poor Team Rocket like that!”

Tracey stared at her in shock. This was probably the first and only time he’d hear the phrase “poor Team Rocket.”

“Wow,” said Ash.

“Too bad Tracey isn’t here to capture this,” said Misty.

“Brock would enjoy it…”

Clay and Allison were starting to slink towards the door. “We’re responsible for an old lady cat fight,” said Allison, shuddering.

“God will probably punish us soon,” said Clay.

“How soon?”

“I dunno. Just making conversation.”

“Then stop making it sound like foreshadowing!” As Clay and Allison boldly snuck out the door, Mrs. Ketcham entered, dragging Tracey.

“Professor Oak, I hope you know what one of your pupils is doing,” said Ash’s mom.

Professor Oak looked at Tracey and sadly shook his head. “I think we should discuss this in private,” he said.

Ash’s mom nodded. “Yes, I think that’s best.”

“Those sure are some nice cookies, Jesse…” Both Jesse and James turned at the sound of a door opening, but didn’t stop eating slice and bake cookies. There was naturally an awkward moment when Clay and Allison ran in screaming, their uniforms severely torn.

“The scyther hasn’t calmed down yet,” said Allison. Both she and Clay were desperately trying to keep their tattered grey rags from completely falling off.

“Look, Al,” said Clay, watching as several grey, red, and black rags fell from his shoudlers, leaving him bare chested.

“Huuhh-wha?” asked Allison, staring at him.

“We’re nearly naked and with the white squad,” Clay continued. “We must have stumbled into a dirty, dirty lemon. Who wants me first?”

“What do you mean with the white squad?” asked Jesse.

Allison rolled her eyes. Unfortunately, the slight movement this required caused another curcial clothing scrap to fall. “Clay, where are we going to get more clothes?”

“Team Rocket Headquarters?” James suggested, glaring at them.

“Our uhm…” Clay looked nervously at his partner.

“They have to be…” Allison began.

“Special ordered,”

“Because…the grey squad’s small.”

“The word you’re looking for, Al, is elite.”

Jesse and James looked at them skeptically. “Why are there only two people in the Grey Squad?” asked Jesse.

“There’s only three in the White Squad,” Clay replied. “And since we’re in a bad lemon, it’s—“

“Lame pick-up line time!” he and Allison both cheered.

Clay moved towards James as best he could, since he was currently relying on his pathetic half a belt and several inches of fabric to keep from being naked, and pulled out a gigantic cookie tin full of condoms. “These all expire tomorrow. Want to help me use them?”

Allison, meanwhile, was leering at her partner. “I’m like a movie theater,” she said. “I give refills on large sizes.”

Jesse and James nodded. “That’s definitely some of the worst I’ve ever heard,” said Jesse.

“I’m glad Mrs. Ketcham isn’t here to hear this filth,” said James.

“And special order uniforms?” asked Jesse. “You expect us to believe that?”

“They just wash Black Squad uniforms with White Squad uniforms to get yours,” added James.

“Even though at some point Team Rocket uniforms were dry clean only,” Jesse and James said together, sighing at this painful lack of fabric care continuity.

Clay and Allison glared at them. “That’s a lot like special ordering,” said Allison.

“And can we just have wild, gratuitous, and non-important to what’s going on sex now?” asked Clay in a half-whine. “I’m lonely and I don’t even have that many clothes to take off!”

“You’re avoiding the question,” said Jesse.

“Fine. Our position here is a bit…unstable,” said Allison.

“We’re hiding out,” said Clay.

“Why?” asked Jesse and James.

Clay and Allison began smiling smugly. “We,” they said, doing a triumphant back to back pose, “are our local Queen and Queen of shoplifting!”

“Which makes Team Rocket an excellent place to hide,” Jesse muttered.

“I don’t think they can hide anywhere with that tattoo,” said James.

Clay and Allison looked down and, seeing their tattered rags at their ankles, screamed and hid behind the couch. “I feel so violated,” Clay whimpered. “Yet, somehow, strangely invigorated…”

“Nice tattoo,” said Allison.

“Don’t look at me, you harlot!”

“I’m not the one with that tattoo!”

“Hussy!”

“Tramp!”

“Slut!”

“Loose…uhm…person!”

“Jesse!”

While this argument was going on, Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “Queen and Queen of shoplifting?” asked Jesse.

“Whore! And we stole whatever we could,” said Allison.

“Strumpet! Where do you think I got all the condoms from?” asked Clay.

“You’re hiding out because of shoplifting?” asked James.

“Yes…we wanted to expand our horizons,” said Clay.

“Oh, brave new world that has such trinkets in it!” said Allison, sighing.

“Shoplifting,” said Jesse.

“Petty theft,” added James.

“Not even grand larceny!”

“Oh, what about you two?” asked Allison, glaring at them. “Why did you join Team Rocket?”

Clay was fumbling for a sofa cushion he could use to cover his essentials. “Sorry…one of you,” he said at the sound of a shriek. “And, Allison, this is pretty—“

“Where else did we have to go?” asked James.

“We don’t have families,” added Jesse.

“Yes you do,” said Clay.

“We tied you up and dragged you to them,” added Allison.

“Families we want to come into contact with,” James elaborated.

Allison rolled her eyes. “Welcome to the club,” she said. “My parents suck. They’re over controlling, boring, hypocritical—“

Clay shrugged. “Still, they are damn fine leaders. Team Rocket’s finest.”

“Clay!”

“Oops…”

Jesse and James were naturally staring at Clay and Allison. “What?” they asked.

“We’re from about thirty years in the future,” said Allison.

“Which is why Giovanni can’t tell us what to do!” added Clay.

“Because we know who kills him!” said Allison.

“Who?” asked Jesse and James.

“Is it Butch and Cassidy?” asked Jesse.

“I knew they were bad seeds!” added James.

“If we tell you, it’ll screw up—“ began Allison.

“It’s Al’s parents,” said Clay. “Don’t listen to her. They’re hella cool.”

“Clay…”

“Well, who’re your parents?” asked Jesse.

“You don’t want to know,” Clay and Allison muttered.

Allison sighed dramatically. “And it doesn’t help that time travel is against company policy in the Team Rocket of the future,” she added.

“Basically, if we go back, Al’s parents can skin us alive!” Clay said cheerfully. “Ooo, maybe your dad can take off his belt and tie me to his desk and…”

“Clay, my dad is a better sub than you can ever dream of being.”

Jesse and James hugged each other and shuddered. “How do you know that?” asked Jesse.

“I don’t even want to know!” added James.

Ash looked at a clock. “Boy, my mom and Professor Oak sure have been talking for a long time,” he said.

Misty and Tracey exchanged a glance and shook their heads. Agatha and Annie shrugged. “Isn’t it obvious, Ash?” asked Brock.

“Brock!” exclaimed Misty, her eyes lighting up.

“Brock!” exclaimed Tracey, his eyes also lighting up. “It’s an honor to—“

“What’re you doing here?” asked Misty.

“I just came because I needed to explain the goodness in Ash’s mom’s heart,” said Brock.

“Huh?” asked Ash.

“Pikaaa,” yawned Pikachu.

“Professor Oak is boinking your mom,” said Brock. “Speaking of which, it’s time for zubat to fly me back to Professor Ivy. See you later.”

“Brock, wait!” called Ash and Misty, running after him. “Don’t leave us with Tracey!” But it was too late…

Tracey sobbed loudly and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “Right now I’m capturing the way you guys completely suck!” he wailed.

“We got you to Professor Oak, didn’t we?” asked Misty.

“Allison’s quite the little Oedipus, actually,” said Clay.

“Isn’t the female version technically called an Electra complex?” asked James, suddenly knowing one of his obscure facts.

“In the 21st century we were able to acknowledge that Electra is in no way similar to Oedipus and is just dirtied up for her excessive mourning of the loss of her father,” said Allison, supplying an equally obscure fact.

“This is the 21st century,” said Jesse.

“Oedipus Rex, Oedipus Rex/How can a man be so complex?” sang Clay. “You killed your pa and you married you ma/They don’t even do that in Arkansas!”

“Shut up!” snapped Allison. “It’s all lies!”

“What about you?” asked James, looking at Clay. Well, specifically at Clay’s head which was peering over the edge of the couch.

“My parents didn’t do too well once the downsizing started,” said Clay. He shrugged. “Of course, neither did half the black squad…”

Allison sighed. “Clay, are you trying to mess up the space time continuum?”

“Yeah! Let’s see what happens!” An eerie glow went into Clay’s eyes. “Come on, Al! Let’s tell them everything we know and then go back to our time and see who’s been completely erased!”

“What if it’s us?”

“We should be so lucky,” muttered James.

Clay stuck his tongue out at Allison. “Ha, ha!” he said. “They still like me better than you!”

Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “Actually, Clay, your sudden fit of nudity has given me the perfect opportunity to rip something off and bronze it,” she said sweetly.

Clay stood up. “Don’t you find me attractive?” he asked sadly.

“Uhm…” said Jesse, James, and Allison.

“From the neck down,” said Jesse.

“Have you been doing sit ups?” asked Allison. “And hey! You’ve been using the pump I got you for Christmas!”

“Don’t look at me there,” snapped Clay. “James, you may look.”

“Just tell us,” said Jesse.

“We’ll keep it a secret,” added James.

Clay and Allison exchanged a glance. “Give us clothes first,” said Allison.

“Nice ones,” added Clay.

“None of Ash’s,” said Allison.

“I can’t wear little boy clothes,” said Clay.

“Just look for something upstairs,” said Jesse.

“Whoa…a Super Nintendo,” said Allison, staring at it.

“Al, we’re naked,” said Clay. “We’re naked, and your parents are about to find out that they’re your parents.”

Allison glared at him. “Well, it’s your fault they’re getting suspicious! Maybe I should tell them…just for petty revenge.”

“What good will that do?

"They could pity me. And start paying me more..."

"Ha! We're the only partners in Team Rocket history without equal paychecks!"

"Because yours is more!"

Clay felt his jaw drop. "Wow...Do they pay you at all?"

"Minimum wage," snapped Allison.

"Probably because we're some of the biggest screw-ups in Team Rocket history," muttered Clay.

"Well, they of all people should be able to understand that!" Allison whined.

They both turned at the sound of beeping and saw Vaporeon in the doorway, holding a silver box in her mouth. She gently put it on the ground. “What is it and should it do this?” she asked.

“Hmm…the tracer’s going off,” said Clay, picking it up.

“So, someone’s noticed us,” said Allison. Clay nodded. Allison pulled a hammer out of nowhere, an especially disturbing thought since she was all but naked. “Well, if we smash it, they might not find us…”

“But then we can never get home,” Clay finished.

They both thought about this for a minute. “Smash it?” asked Allison.

“Hell yeah,” said Clay.

“What are you talking about?” asked Vaporeon.

“That’s our time machine,” said Allison.

“And since time traveling is against Team Rocket policy, all time machines have tracers built into them,” added Clay.

“That lets our Bosses trace any time traveling activity,” said Allison. “They’re bastards, but they’re damn good at cover operations…”

“A bit too good, Al…that’s where half the money comes from.”

“Who are your Bosses?” asked Vaporeon. “Giovanni’s brats?”

“Jesse and James,” Allison replied.

“Bet you saw that one coming,” muttered Clay.

Vaporeon stared at her. “Jesse and James,” she said.

“Uh-huh,” said Allison.

“They fired my mom and dad two days after they took over!” added Clay.

“Who are?” asked Vaporeon. She wished she had fingers, mostly just so she could massage the headache she could feel herself getting.

“Butch and Cassidy,” said Clay.

“That explains the hair…” Vaporeon muttered.

“It’s not his natural color,” said Allison. “Isn’t that right, Bleachy?”

“Shut up,” snapped Clay.

“Bleachy’s hair is actually this skanky green color,” Allison continued, finally explaining why she looked like the only one to suffer through pigment blending.

“Oh, I could tell,” said Vaporeon. “Where are your clothes, by the way?”

“Scyther,” said Allison.

“Anything else we probably shouldn’t be telling you about that you want to know?” asked Clay.

“What happens to Meowth?” Vaporeon asked.

“He evolves,” Clay replied.

Allison shuddered. “No one should ever raise a child in a house with a persian,” she said.

“He evolves?” asked Vaporeon, her eyes going all sparkly.

“Love is blind,” said Allison.

“Then why do you want Clay?”

“I do not want Clay!!”

“They certainly have been gone a long time,” said Jesse.

“Yes…but we did tell them to go rummage for clothes,” said James.

“Maybe we should’ve loaned them some of ours,”

“Yeah, right. Although…”

“Starting to feel sorry for them?”

James shrugged. “I guess…”

Jesse started to smile. “Well, if you want to pity screw Clay—“

“I don’t feel sorry for him!”

“So, now we have to decide whether to smash our time machine to hell or not,” said Clay.

“Clay, something just occured to me,” said Allison.

“What?”

“When I was flirting with Butch for a moon stone, didn't you tell me you could get booty without me or candy?”

“Uh-huh…”

“And then didn't you kiss Butch?”

“Aaahhh!!” screamed Vaporeon. “Doesn’t that mean…

“With tongue?” asked Allison.

“Oh my god...” said Clay.

“You kissed your father!” Vaporeon shrieked.

“Yeah. So leave me alone,” said Allison. “You were sober and you went to first base.”

“Why did I...uhm...aaaahhhh!!!” Clay gave up on rationalizing and began screaming.

“Totally sober,” Allison repeated.

“ AAAAHHH!!! Give me your broach, I want to stab my eyes out!!”

Allison smirked. “Don’t you need you mom’s broach for this?”

“Damn your Grecian references! Get me a sharp object and some mouthwash!”

Jesse and James both looked up at the ceiling. “I wonder what their problem is,” said Jesse.

“You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals,” sang Meowth, sauntering in and looking very pleased with himself. “So let’s do it like dey do on de Discovery Channel! If you two aren’t da ones screaming, who is?”

“Clay and Allison,” said Jesse.

“They’re from the future,” added James.

“What?!” exclaimed Meowth.

“And currently naked,” added Jesse. “Which is why we sent them upstairs to rummage for clothing. Although Clay’s not that bad looking.”

“Not from the neck down, anyways,” said James.

“I’ve never seen hair that bad,” said Jesse.

“Well, Cassidy’s…”

“No, not even Cassidy’s. Cassidy’s at least has a logical explanation…” Something occurred to Jesse. “Did you just say that Clay wasn’t that bad looking?”

“Uhm…”

Naked Clay and Allison had now moved to the Ketchum upstairs bathroom. Clay was currently shrieking, brushing his teeth with someone else’s toothbrush, and scrubbing his arm with a brillo pad. “So…dirty…tainted…” he muttered.

Allison yawned. “And now you’re symbolically making out with either Ash or Ash’s Mom,” she said.

“Better than his own mom, I guess,” said Vaporeon. “Anyone else know?”

“No. We’ve already screwed up the space time continuum by telling you.”

An evil light came into Vaporeon’s eyes. “Can we tell Butch?” she asked.

“Don’t tempt me…”

“Imagine the look on his face…”

“Please don’t tempt me…he’d probably freak out enough if he knew Jesse and James’ daughter had gotten a moon stone out of him…”

“Maybe we should think of things to ask Clay and Allison,” said Meowth in a last ditch attempt to either save James’ life or keep him out of any potential threesome plans. I knew he was bi he added to himself. Jesse and James looked at each other and blushed. They were both thinking of a very obvious question. “Like if we ever become rich and famous…”

“Like if we get the Pikachu,” said Jesse with half of her normal enthusiasm for that sort of statement. Her eyes did light up about halfway.

“Exactly,” said Meowth. And it’ll make you cheer up if Clay and Allison tell you one of you gets killed in that horrible virus the Boss has been working on he added.

“We’re dressed! We’re going back downstairs!”

“But, Allison, I’m dirty!”

Jesse, James, and Meowth shuddered. “I wonder what they were doing,” said Jesse.

“What you two would’ve been doing if dis wasn’t Mrs. Ketchum’s house,” said Meowth. “And if you ever do anything disrespectful to Mrs. Ketchum…”

Clay, Allison, and Vaporeon appeared. Allison, somehow, had managed to squeeze herself into one of Ash’s black shirts and had, through strange cartoon physics, turned Ash’s jeans into capri pants. Clay, through the laws of Team Rocket, was now wearing a long sleeved t-shirt that said “World’s Greatest Mom” and a modest, ankle length skirt. “Well,” said Allison, an intact time machine under one arm, “We’d best be on our way!”

“So dirty…” muttered Clay. “But…it’s like I’m James…but so filthy and…tainted but still so…” He looked at his partner. “Wow, I’m almost horny enough to sleep with you, Al!”

“Really?” asked Allison, her eyes starting to sparkle.

“Almost.” Allison swore.

“Can we ask you something?” asked Meowth.

“Sure!” Clay and Allison said cheerfully. They both thought Hell no.

“Do we ever capture Pikachu?” asked Meowth.

“What happens to us?” asked Jesse and James. It was one of those innocent questions that given even a sliver of a wrong answer would probably send both of them to opposite corners of the room sobbing.

Clay and Allison sighed. “Wonderful,” said Clay.

“Of course you three would ask bad questions,” said Allison.

“Did I ask a bad question?” asked Vaporeon.

“Well, yes, now that I think about it…” said Clay.

“They’re not answering us,” said Meowth, starting to look worried.

“Does the R kill us?” screamed Jesse and James, hugging each other tightly.

“The what?” asked Clay.

“A deadly virus developed by Giovanni that we’re all assuming will escape and kill half the world some day,” Meowth explained.

“Oh, you mean the—“ Allison stopped as Clay clapped a hand over her mouth.

“Don’t be silly,” he said. “Just be sure to accept all the antidotes and vaccines you can, okay?”

“Can’t you just answer our vague and extremely general question?” asked James.

“No, not unless it’s specific,” said Allison. Because then we can just lie…

Meanwhile, Ash, Misty, Pikachu, and Togepi watched as a still distraught Tracey attempted to calm down his scyther. “Now, why don’t you go back in your poke—aaaahhh!!!”

“Pokeballs are red, stupid,” said Misty.

“Yeah, even I know that!” laughed Ash. “Uhm…so what?”

“Red pisses scythers off!”

“Oh!”

Clay and Allison realized that a definite tactical error. “Uhm…we didn’t mean we couldn’t tell you anything about your personal lives in a bad way,” said Allison.

“Just in a…neutral way,” added Clay.

“Very neutral,” said Allison.

Jesse and James continued to glare at each other. “We just don’t want to screw up the space time continuum,” said Clay.

“Now, since we don’t want to break any of Mrs. Ketcham’s nice things,” said Allison, leading Jesse and James outside to where Ash and friends were. Tracey had finally managed to subdue his scyther, but was now bleeding slightly.

“Well, cheer up, Jesse,” said James. “We sure do have our freedom, after all.”

Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “Still, whoever said beauty doesn’t last forever must have been talking about us…”

“Yes, we are such wonderful dressers, aren’t we?”

“Sounds like it’s double trouble time again!”

“Quite an arsenal Clay and Allison have…”

“Yes, it’s enough to make you want to go straight!”

“I doubt it. After all, I hate girls like that…always waiting around for their man…”

“Well, aren’t you the coolest girl for saying so!” After Jesse said that, James paused, trying to think of something. Jesse took advantage to the pause to add, “And I’m glad you really do like frosted mini-wheats!”

“And I’m glad you’ll always remember how much fun we had shopping together!”

“I think you should…prepare for trouble!”

“Oh, do you?”

“Yes, and I’ve got three more words for you.”

“Oh really? I’d love to hear them. And let me see if I can guess what they are…”

“Be my guest.”

“Oh, is that them? Ooo, very frightening! And now you’re probably going to hit me.”

“Am I?”

“Probably.” James glared at her. “That’s what I like about you, Jesse. You’re so predictable.”

“I’m predictable? Well, James, you know what you’re probably going to do today?”

“What?”

“Steal my clothes and or dig a hole in another doomed to failure plan to steal Pikachu!”

Clay and Allison watched, clearly impressed. “They’re good,” said Allison. “You timing this?”

Clay nodded. “They might beat our record,” he said.

“Damn!”

“Well, Jesse, since you’re the creative, original one who never does the same thing every day, why are you still here?” asked James. “Why aren’t you out doing dynamic things and earning fame and fortune?”

“If you think you’re so great, why’re you still here?” snapped Jesse.

“I asked you first!”

“Maybe I really do care,” Jesse snarled.

“Oh, is that your equivalent of ‘see ya’?” James snarled back.

“I love you, you moron!”

“Make it double, bitch!”

“About damn time,” muttered Meowth.

“Crap,” sighed Clay.

“I told you so,” said Allison. “And shouldn’t you already know that…well…”

“Al, there’s one tiny thing that separates us.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not that tiny…”

“Not that! It’s that I have hope!”

“Is that what you named it?”

Before Jesse and James actually came to blows, their last two lines of dialogue suddenly registered. “You what?!”

With traditional sci-fi bad timing, a flash of light suddenly appeared.

"Oh no," said Allison.

"Wonderful," said Clay.

Two shadows appeared as the light faded. “Well, Allison, Jesse and James aren’t going to be pleased,” said a female voice.

“You’re really screwed this time,” added a male voice.

Team Rocket and Ash and his friends stared in shock at two new Team Rocket members, these two fairly average looking and dressed in White Squad uniforms. “You might get fired,” said the man.

“We’re…” began James, staring in shock.

“The leaders of Team Rocket?” finished Jesse, her eyes lighting up.

“Idiot!” snapped the woman, glaring phasers at her partner. “Don’t you recognize them?”

“Well, if it isn’t our old friends,” said Allison with a sneer.

“Good old Flash and Gordan,” added Clay.

“Didn’t Allison say that her parents were…” James trailed off as he and Jesse started to add one and one and begin to get two.

“Very subtle, Gordan,” said Flash.

“Looks like we’ll have to kill them,” said Gordan.

“If we kill them, what happens to us?”

“We get Allison out of our hair, for one thing…”

“Moron…and isn’t it bad enough that she’s already messed up the space time continuum?”

“I haven’t messed anything up,” said Allison. “For one thing, I didn’t tell Jesse and James who they were!”

“And look at the way you’ve treated us!” said Jesse.

“You’re going to have some explaining to do once we’re your parents, young lady,” said James.

“And Clay didn’t want to come,” Allison said quickly.

“Al, you don’t have to—“ Clay was cut off by Flash’s next comment.

“Oh, they’ll only reprimand Clay,” said Flash.

“They like him so much better,” added Gordan. Since this was nothing as interesting as an appearance by their future selves, Jesse and James were now staring at each other. “Did you just…” Jesse said, blushing.

“Do you really…” said James, starting to sweatdrop.

“What exactly is this?” asked Misty.

“You know what you are in our time, pest?” asked Gordan. Clay and Allison started laughing.

“What?”

“Mrs. Pallet Town Gym Leader,” said Flash.

“You’re a housewife,” said Clay.

“With three kids,” added Allison.

“Not that anyone would know and care if not for your famous husband!” said Clay.

“Who is?” Misty asked, anger veins beginning to sprout.

“The one and only Ash Ketchum, pokemon master!” said Allison.

Misty screamed. “What about me?” asked Tracey.

“Who are you again?” asked Clay.

“Remember the pokemon photographer?” said Allison.

“No…”

“The one we read about in History class?”

“Uh-huh…vaguely…”

“He’s even lamer than that.”

“Now I remember…”

Tracey sniffled. “Why doesn’t anyone like me?” he asked.

“I don’t know, Tracey,” said Ash, amiably enough. “Maybe it’s because you’re like Brock…”

“If Brock really sucked and didn’t have any real goals!” added Misty.

“But…I’m a pokemon watcher!” whined Tracey.

Team Rocket both present and future lost all interest in the current pest conflict. “Anyways, Allison, this is illegal,” Flash continued.

“So is stealing pokemon,” Allison replied.

“Yes, Allision, but time travel is punishable by death. At least in Team Rocket.”

Clay and Allison both went pale. “You told me it was a misdemeanor!” Clay snapped at his partner.

“Won’t that screw up the space time continuum?” asked Allison.

“Won’t it screw up the space time continuum,” Clay mockingly repeated. “Well, no, not if you die in your own time!”

“But right now we haven’t been born yet…”

“That’s why they’re going to drag us back to our own time!”

“They like you better…”

“I know. Your point?”

“Start sucking up!”

“I think your parents should be able to defend you from company policy…”

“You lazy little…”

“You already said it wasn’t my idea.”

“My own parents wouldn’t kill me…would they?”

“Let’s hope they have short memories…”

Meanwhile, Jesse and James were trying to form words now that the meowth was out of the bag and the urge to kill or at least severely injure had definitely worn off. “So you…”

“I didn’t think you…”

“Did you mean…”

“Are you really…”

“Humans are so stupid,” muttered Meowth. “Can’t you two go make out in a corner somewhere so I don't have to hear dis crap?”

“Meowth, you’re not helping,” said Jesse.

“Do you need me to translate?” the cat asked sweetly.

Jesse and James looked at each other. “Yes,” they both said.

“From the beginning,” Jesse elaborated.

“I got lost,” James admitted.

“Well, let’s see if Meowth remembers correctly… da first part was mostly just pent up frustration and bitterness…”

“Uh-huh…”

Meowth gave them both a withering glance. “I think both ‘I love you, you moron’ and ‘Make it double, bitch’ are self explanatory. While the brilliant and, might I add, ballad worthy response of ‘You what?!’ indicates disbelief and denial.” Jesse and James continued to stare at him. “James, although you get points for incorporating da motto into it, you no longer qualify as the romantic one. In fact, neither one of you seems to have any interpersonal skills.”

“What?” snapped Jesse. “You mangy little…”

“I think it would be for the best if you were condemned to lives of asexual reproduction.”

“Could we be exiled?” Allison was asking.

“Exile can be even worse than death,” Clay added.

“Oh, we’re only judge and jury,” said Flash.

“Uh-oh,” said Clay and Allison. This was probably bad.

“Mummy and Daddy are executioner, Allison,” added Gordan.

“Uh-oh…” Clay and Allison repeated.

“I knew you thought I was a moron,” James muttered.

“How could you call me a bitch?” asked Jesse.

Meowth started to look for a wall to beat his head against. “Can I get traded to a more observant team?” he whimpered.

“Sure!” said Clay. “I know Allison’s got a thing for me and we’re probably all going to wander the desert for forty years, but you’re welcome to join us!”

“I do not have a thing for you!” snapped Allison.

Meowth shook his head. “No good. She’s unobservant.”

“I can’t observe something if it isn’t true!”

“She’s got her parents’ denial skills, all right,” Meowth said sadly.

“I’m not in denial!”

“Al, face it. I’m your…paras of pleasure and you can’t wait to feel my…stun spore…or something,” Clay said.

Allison sighed. “That was the best you could do?” she asked.

“I got it from your parents!” Clay protested.

“Eww…how?” asked Allison.

“Remember that birthday party of yours with that old, cruddy magician? When your parents said they had to go check on the cake?”

“Uh-huh? Melvin the magician, right?”

“Oh, who cares? Well, remember how ‘checking on the cake’ took two hours?”

“Vaguely…”

“I got to find out why.”

Allison’s eyes widened. “I knew you were bad parents!” she snapped, pointing an accusing finger at Jesse and James.

“There will be plenty of time for discussion in our time,” said Flash as Gordan began warming up the time machine.

“But…” Allison whined. “I want to stay here in the present and continue turning the past selves of my parents in for failing to be team players!”

Jesse and James upon hearing this managed to stop staring at each other in disbelief long enough to glare at Allison. “You’re our daughter?” asked Jesse.

“Duh,” said Allison.

Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “Chastity,” they said. “Vows of chastity.”

Meowth began laughing. “Dat’ll last,” he said.

Now that they’d planned to at least go a day without screwing like nidorans, Jesse and James felt the need to continue sorting things out whereas most people would have simply exchanged “I love yous”, hugged, then gone straight into the heavy petting. Yes, Jesse and James truly seemed to be milking this for all it was worth. “Jesse,” he said, taking her hands in his and looking deep into her eyes. “I really—“

“James, if this is about Frosted Mini-Wheats, I am going to write my name in Arbok acid someplace where it really hurts,” Jesse said.

This naturally didn’t seem to help James’ courage return. “I don’t know…” said Meowth. “Are you sure your name’ll fit? After all, da little Ji—“

“Would you stop mentioning that?” screamed Jesse.

James was now very tempted to inform Jesse that he not only really liked Frosted Mini-Wheats but that he was also partial to Count Chocula as well as Rice Krispies. “Jesse, I don’t think you’ve ever told me the Little Jim story,” he said.

“And you never told me the Team Rocket Babe Magnet Method,” Jesse replied.

“I didn’t need to. Brock happened to slip up…” James said, his eyes narrowing.

“Look, you’re young, you’re in love,” Meowth said to his teammates. “And you’re starting to bore me, so why don’t you make up some lame excuse and scamper off somewhere?”

“Because we just took vows of chastity,” said James.

“Because Little Jim only loves me the way he loves Frosted Mini-Wheats, freedom, and chenille,” said Jesse.

“I love you more than Frosted Mini-Wheats!” James protested. “I only said I liked those…”

“More than chenille?”

“Uhm…”

“I knew it!”

“It’s a different kind of love…” Flash and Gordan were starting to grimace. “Flash?” asked Gordan.

“Yes, Gordan?” Flash replied.

“I think I’m starting to see why it took them seven years to catch that stupid Pikachu…”

“We capture Pikachu?” Jesse and James asked, their eyes lighting up. This was naturally a welcome change from the argument about who loved who more or less than various fabric types. It didn’t last long.

“What about velour?” Jesse asked.

“Jesse, you’re in a completely different category!” James said.

“And what category is that?” Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “And if this is about any non-poetic parts of my anatomy…”

“But Jesse, they’re all poetic!” said James, with both sincerity and the hope of winning relationship bon points.

“I know, but eyes are more poetic than ass.”

“And why are you questioning me?” James asked. “You’re the abusive one!”

“Because I’m the smart, talented one who could leave if she wanted to.”

“Hey, how come you’re da smart one?” asked Meowth.

“I called it,” Jesse explained.

“I called cute one,” said James. “But you don’t want to leave?”

“Of course not. You two would wind up in a ditch somewhere, poking berries up your noses.”

“Meowth doesn’t have a nose.”

“You get my point.”

“I’m far more qualified to be the smart one!” screeched Meowth.

“What about velvet?” asked James. “Do you love me more than velvet?”

“I’m sensing a definite tendancy to overanalyze,” said Tracey.

“Kenjii?” asked Ash.

“Yes?”

“Shut up.”

“Go watch some beedrills,” added Misty.

“Guys…” protested Tracey. “I thought we were friends…”

“You’re just using us to see Professor Oak!” said Ash.

“Who didn’t even recognize you,” Misty said. Tracey started crying again before capturing the way he wanted to see Ash and Misty’s heads explode.

Jesse nodded thoughtfully. “I might love you more than velvet…”

“Velvet is nice,” added James.

“If it were socially acceptable, I would drape myself in velvet…”

“Jesse, we’re fashion pioneers! Anything we do is socially acceptable!”

Meowth rolled his eyes. “Time machine’s ready,” Gordan announced.

“Crap,” muttered Clay and Allison, visions of genetic testing dancing in their heads.

Jesse gave her partner a coy glance. “James…”

“Uh-huh?”

“I like to think of you as the human equivalent of velvet…”

“Ooo!”

“Dat is definitely not socially acceptable!” snapped Meowth.

Flash and Gordan put on sunglasses. “You’re joking, right?” asked Allison.

“We’re only going to erase their memories from when we appeared,” said Flash. “You two have done enough damage.”

“Which will cause some spill-over,” said Clay.

“Exactly!” said Allison. “Meaning that they’ll probably forget this whole romantic confession thing, forcing us to have to suffer through more romantic tension and, god help us all, the chenille argument again.” Meowth began sobbing loudly at this.

“You’re going to what?!” exclaimed everyone from the present.

Clay and Allison quickly put their sunglasses on as Gordan aimed his MIB style neuralizer at the assembled group and fired before slipping away in their time machine.

“Well, Jesse, since you’re the creative, original one who never does the same thing every day, why are you still here?” asked James. “Why aren’t you out doing dynamic things and earning fame and fortune?”

“If you think you’re so great, why’re you still here?” snapped Jesse.

“I asked you first!”

“Where are Clay and Allison?” asked Meowth.

Jesse and James stopped arguing and looked around. “It’s like they vanished,” said Jesse.

“Good,” muttered James. “I never want to see them again…”

Much, much later, a decade or three later, in fact, Misty Ketchum was dusting the various glass figurines in her Pallet Town house and watching her three kids out of the corner of her eye. Brock, meanwhile, had a few breeding projects of his own in his bachelor pad--specifically bastards one and two. And in Viridian City, the leaders of Team Rocket and the Viridian City gym were sitting in one of their very luxuorious rooms. Their persian had naturally been locked out. “What’s the surprise?” asked Jesse. Her hair was, of course, almost exactly the same as it always was, but she was naturally wearing one of the semi-ugly business suits favored by most Rocket leaders. James was smiling from the doorway, most of his hair pulled back in to a ponytail. He held out two fairly battered Team Rocket uniforms.

“Remember these?” he asked, taking off his jacket and dress shirt.

“How could I forget?” asked Jesse, doing the same.

They both pulled on their Team Rocket jackets, abstaining from shirts since it was all going to come off eventually, then put on the rest of their uniforms. “Where are we?” Jesse asked softly as she slid her arms behind his neck.

He wrapped his arms around her waist. “Somewhere on Indigo Plateau…we’ve just stolen everyone’s pokeballs after pretending to be official inspectors, and now we’re back at our campsite. Meowth’s already gone to sleep…”

“So we take our sleeping bags into the van,”

“We put the pokeballs on the front seat,” They were now leaning towards the bed.

“Then we unzip our sleeping bags and spread them out on the floor of the van.” Now they were both on the bed, laying side by side with a slight overlap. “Prepare for trouble,” Jesse said in a hungry whisper before leaning up to kiss her partner.

“Make it double,” he murmured against her lips.

There was a knock on the door. “Dammit!” they both snapped, reaching for their vocal warpers.

“What is it?” Jesse growled.

“It’s me,” said a Brooklynese voice. “Flash and Gordan brought back Allison.”

They sighed, adjusted their clothes, and unlocked the door. “At least the lights are already out,” said James, sans warper.

Jesse tapped a button, turning on the video screen. “Tell them we can talk to them,” she said in her own voice.

“Boss?” asked Flash, appearing on the screen just as a persian entered and sat between Jesse and James.

“Thank you, Flash,” Jesse said with the warper.

“You may go now,” added James.

Clay and Allison continued to give their employers their most pathetic faces. “This was all a slight misunderstanding?” said Allison.

“Technically we were only gone for five minutes,” added Clay.

“Our time,” Jesse reminded them. “What happened to your uniforms?”

“Scyther,” Clay and Allison mumbled.

“And that was the best you could find?” asked James.

Allison rolled her eyes. “Mom still wears sluttier shirts than this,” she said. “I’ve seen her.” “That’s it,” said Jesse. “You’re getting the hybrid assignment.”

“It’ll build character!” James said cheerfully.

“Buckets of fun,” muttered Allison.

“Nothing like looking for wild pokemon hybrids,” muttered Clay.

“Especially since there aren’t any…”

“You’re just not looking hard enough, Allison,” said Jesse.

“Which is why you need to build more character,” said James.

Clay and Allison grimaced, visions of nonexistant hybrids dancing through their heads.

“We could look for pokemon #561,” suggested Allison in a whisper.

“Which is?” asked Clay.

“Tyaf, a beautiful hybrid of twyg and liaf.”

“Perfect.”

“Now, if there’s nothing else,” Jesse said, reaching for the button that would kill off the video and audio link.

“We..kind of got another team member while we were gone,” said Allison, looking at the floor.

The persian suddenly looked up from grooming itself. “Vaporeon?” he asked.

Clay and Allison nodded. “Can we at least bring her back here?” Allison asked in reply.

“She’s really helpful,” Clay added. They both wanted to cringe at the smirk that appeared on the persian’s face.

Now, the persian remembered Vaporeon spending a great deal of time doing absolutely nothing, but he also remembered that once two Rockets—-he couldn’t quite remember their names—-had vanished, Vaporeon had gone back to a pokeball. She was probably still there right now, hoping that Giovanni would let her out… “Dey’ve got a point,” he said. “It might help dem look.”

A small smile had appeared on Jesse’s face. “James,” she said. “Imagine the benefits for Team Rocket if they could discover a hybrid before anyone else could…”

James stared at her. “Jesse, if they discover it, aren’t they already discovering it before anyone else can?”

Jesse sighed and rolled her eyes. Sometimes it was charming, and other times… “Yes, but what if we send them after something someone has already discovered…but before that person discovered it?” James smiled back at her. “You two have already done plenty of 20th century research. Find out what hybrids have been discovered so far and where—or any rare pokemon. Then find them and give them to us. The us wherever you are.”

Clay and Allison were now grinning. “What about the time travel?” asked Allison.

Jesse shrugged. “Consider this an undercover mission,” she said.

“We can always transfer Flash and Gordan to one of our cover operations,” said James. He and Jesse both looked at each other. “Pinkyland?”

“Just what I was thinking.” Jesse then hung up the phone and looked down at the persian. “Get out.”

“Please. Seeing you in dat outfit was bad enough,” said the persian as he strolled to the door. Jesse locked it behind him.

“Where were we?” she asked, sitting down next to James.

“I think we were just about to protect the world from devastation,” he replied.

“And unite all peoples within our nation…”

“Not to mention denounce the evils of truth and love…” Faces only inches apart, they paused and laughed.

“When was the last time we did that?” asked Jesse.

“Hey, we never said we denounced the goodness of truth or love…”