Disclaimer: I think we all know what I own and don’t own by now.
Rating: R, R, R! And if anyone sees this over your shoulder, just explain that it isn’t R for “Restricted”, it’s R for Rocket! Or just be thankful Mom didn’t read the stuff about Nair over your shoulder…
Other: Pokemon Snap might seem like a cute, happy game. But it’s not. “Look, kids! It’s cute, cuddly Mew! Throw apples at him to destroy his psychic bubble! Aim for the head!” And every time you hit him with an apple, he cries out in pain before frolicking away to chirp merrily. That it, until you chuck another apple at him! Poor Mew…And that random thought shows just where my little mind was wandering off to when I wrote this. Yes, kids, this story is basically a combination of all the subplots I always wanted to use, but never got a chance. So I spliced them all together. It might even work.(Ha!)
Crisis had struck Team Rocket. More specifically, crisis had struck Jesse and James. The two were in Team Rocket headquarters, preparing their meal for the week which consisted of Act II microwave popcorn and stale coffee. Disaster struck when a potentially vicious spider appeared on the counter top. Jesse and James naturally dropped the stale coffee—specifically James--, screamed, and hugged each other. A few minutes later, Butch and Cassidy entered, looking annoyed. “God, Jesse, it’s the break room, not the make out room,” Cassidy snapped. Jesse and James each managed to free a hand to numbly point at the neon purple and red poke-spider who was happily eating the microwaved popcorn. After seeing the arachnid menace, Butch and Cassidy screamed, both lunging for the sole chair in the room to stand on top of it. A scuffle broke out. Finally they were both standing on the same chair, hoping against hope that they didn’t tip over and land on the entangled Jesse and James or the spider.
As fate would have it, this noise naturally attracted Clay and Allison, proving that it was going to be one of those episodes. “Well, looks like they got to the rare candy first,” said Allison, sighing.
“Ooo! A good old fashioned Rocket-orgy!” squealed Clay. “If only I had my camera!”
Jesse, James, Butch, and Cassidy all numbly pointed to the small, eight legged terror. Allison rolled her eyes. “Oh, please,” she said. “Out of the four of you, none of you can kill a stupid bug? It’s smaller than a caterpie!”
“It’s bigger than my hand!” wailed Jesse.
“And it has poison pincers!” added James.
The Grey Squad, who had yet to actually look at the offending bug, exchanged a glance. This was obviously an excellent time to play the hero in exchange for goods and/or services. Clay cleared his throat and struck his best macho pose. “I think I can take care of that mean old spider,” he said, flexing and winking at James.
Allison, meanwhile, had sauntered towards Butch and Cassidy. “Don’t you worry about a thing, Butchiekins,” she purred. “Allie’s gonna take care of everything.” Cassidy glared at her partner, then pushed him off the chair. Allison managed to catch him, staggering slightly. “So, I’ll just squish that big, nasty…can you stand up your damn self?” she snapped as her knees began to severely tremble. Butch obeyed without hesitation. “Thank you, Butchiekins!” Allison replied with her former sweetness.
“This is nothing I can’t handle,” Clay continued, his voice having lowered for maximum macho posturing. He began striding in a manly stride towards the counter.
“Anything for my sweet Butchiekins!” said Allison, sashaying towards the counter.
“I’ve got everything under control,” they both said. Then they actually looked at their foe, shrieked, and fear hugged. Well, it wasn’t so much a fear hug as Clay practically jumping into his partner’s arms while she nervously backed away.
When Giovanni entered with his persian three minutes later, he wanted to cry. With three of his most recognizable squads clinging to each other, it looked like another orgy had broken out. “What do you think you’re doing?” he snarled. Beside him his Persian started laughing.
Jesse, James, Butch, Cassidy, and Allison all pointed at the spider. Clay, meanwhile, continued to cling to Allison and scream, “Kill it, kill it, kill it!”
The urge to cry was growing ever stronger for Giovanni. “Are you all so weak and spineless that a bug type pokemon can paralyze you?” he growled. “I think I’ve got several assignments that will toughen you six up.” He glared directly at Clay. “Especially you. I expected better.”
“From Clay?” asked Allison. “The flamiest flamer in Team Rocket?”
“Second flamiest,” snapped Clay, glaring at her.
Giovanni sadly shook his head. “I’m very disappointed in you,” he said.
“I guess I’m just the white sheep of my family,” Clay replied. Allison kicked him. “Ow! And why aren’t you disappointed in them too?”
“I am,” Giovanni replied, pausing to glare at Butch and Cassidy.
“What about Jesse and James?” asked Cassidy.
Giovanni shrugged. “Oh, we all expect this from them. It’s just part of their amusing antics…”
“Damn!” muttered Butch, Cassidy, Clay, and Allison.
“They never do anything right while dressing in drag and being afraid of their own shadows while Clay and Allison regale us with their wacky antics involving popular music,” Giovanni continued. “Even though they should have no concept of said music…”
“I told you we needed amusing antics,” muttered Butch.
“Well, it’s not like we can sing!” Cassidy snarled back at him.
“But frankly, I think Allison’s little…quirks and flaws have started rubbing off on you,” Giovanni added, returning his attention to Clay.
“I doubt it,” Clay replied. “She didn’t give me her dad’s gayness.”
Allison kicked him again. “My dad’s not gay!” she snapped.
“Want to bet?” muttered Giovanni. “Anyway, you’re all getting assignments that’re actually thinly veiled attempts to kill you.” He then turned and began walking out the door.
“Perrrr!” said Persian.(“You said that out loud again.”)
“Could you at least kill the spider?” asked James.
“No,” Giovanni coldly replied, then continued walking. There was no way he was touching something that big and icky.
“I have a plan,” Jesse announced once he was gone.
James looked at his partner in admiration. “You’re going to kill the spider?” he asked.
“No, you idiot, we’re going to run!”
James’ happy expression immediately collapsed. “But, Jesse, what about our food?”
“We can eat later. I’m not going anywhere near that death bug.”
“Should we run too?” asked Butch as his and Cassidy’s primary rivals fled.
“Ha! I can think of a much better plan than that,” Cassidy replied.
“Oh, screw this,” said Allison. “This thing’s pokemon, right?”
“Icky pokemon,” said Clay.
Allison somehow managed to pull out a pokeball and pry Clay away from her long enough to throw it. The spider-thingie looked up just in time to be captured. “Yes!” Allison cheered. “I captured some…creepy useless thing to go with my non-ugly useless pokemon…” She sighed. “Is having crappy pokemon genetic?”
“You got rid of it!” Clay exclaimed, hugging her again. “If you were a man, I could kiss you!”
“If you say that to me one more time, you’re not going to be a man anymore either,” said Allison, as she tossed the poke-arachnid into a nearby garbage can.
Meowth was halfway through Bobby/Jeremy (yaoi) part 2 when he felt two presences hovering over his shoulder. “Meowth, one question,” said James. “Why are you reading gay porn?”
“Could you scroll back up for just a second?” asked Jesse, blushing.
“Weren’t you two making popcorn?” asked Meowth.
“A big icky bug touched it,” James explained.
Meowth would have mentioned the fact that both Jesse and James wore not only boots but gloves, and that they could at least wield a rock with some accuracy. Then he remembered he was talking to people who had clung to each other and whimpered during the Orkin commercial where the fake cockroach skitters across the TV screen. He instead went back to reading. When he reached the “to be continued” at the end, his eyes narrowed. “Dammit, it was just getting good!” he screeched.
“James, I just got the most brilliant plan for capturing Pikachu,” said Jesse. She whispered something in his ear that caused the bishounen’s eyes to widen.
“Sounds like a great plan to me, Jess,” James replied. “This isn’t in some way connected to Meowth’s Reawor erotica, is it?”
Jesse sighed. “James, what shouldn’t you do to a gift rapidash?”
“Look it in the mouth?”
“Uh-huh. Now, what do you do with a gift rapidash?”
“Ride it?”
“Exactly. Now let’s go…make our costumes…”
“But, Jesse, it’s cartoon porn!” Jesse grabbed James by the hair and forced him to read a few lines. “Jesse?”
“Yes, James?”
“Let’s go ride the gift rapidash!”
Meowth shuddered. “Da hell you are!” he snapped. “You two are going to sit here and think of a real plan while I finish checking Meowth’s e-mail.”
Muttering various threats, Jesse and James sat down. They looked at each other, sly smiles spreading across their faces.
Giovanni sighed. Finding ways to kill off his agents was going to be harder than he thought. Especially since the ones he was trying to kill off were blown up on a daily basis. With absolutely no lasting damage. There was a theory going around that unless it was a particulary dramatic day or one of them had just confessed their undying love to the other you could shoot Jesse and James in the head with no adverse effects. As for Butch and Cassidy, the real test would probably come in about ten or twenty years when Butch’s lungs finally collapsed and until then Giovanni wasn’t sure how killable they were.
Unless, of course, he could get them to kill themselves…Beside him there was a hiss of sand as his persian ripped open Giovanni’s stress squeezer with its claws. Giovanni shook his head. That probably wouldn’t work either. He sighed unhappily and turned on his TV. As he flipped through the channels, inspiration suddenly came to him…
“Dat doesn’t sound like planning,” said Meowth without turning around.
There was a pause. “We’re planning,” said Jesse.
“What’s da plan den?”
“We’re going to dig a hole.”
“And when the twerps fall into it, we’ll finally nab the pikachu!” added James.
Meowth thought about this for a moment. It sounded like a lame, pathetic, half-ass, “we’ve been making out on the floor behind you” plan. Unfortunately, it also sounded like a normal plan. He decided to turn around. “Nice abs, Jimmy. Why are you topless?”
“We’re out of paper, so I was going to write the plan down on James’ chest,” said Jesse.
Meowth sighed. “I am sick and tired of dis crap,” he said through clenched teeth. “Now, would you two stay relatively in character and stop having gratuitous sex every three minutes?”
Jesse and James stared at him, trying to look innocent. “Meowth, what are you talking about?” asked Jesse.
James started pouting. “But it’s sweeps week!” he whined.
“Cartoons don’t have sweeps weeks!” screeched Meowth, scratching him.
Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “What about you? You’re a cat looking at human yaoi!”
Meowth nervously looked at his paws. “I have a human fetish, okay?”
Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “Obviously,” said Jesse.
“I mean, you already told us that you were a transspecial,” added James.
Jesse smirked. “Of course, your girlfriend probably wouldn’t have been too happy about that…”
They both started giggling like schoolgirls. Meowth began blushing. And plotting revenge. “Meowth’s got a girlfriend, Meowth’s got a girlfriend!” Jesse and James taunted him.
“Could you two go back to having gratuitous sex now?” To his digust and fear, they both blushed and stared at him as if they hadn’t been sneaking off into bushes to make out for several months.
Speaking of sweeps week, it was time to play “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” Clay and Allison, media whores that they were, were both sitting in front of their TV. “I remember this one!” said Clay.
“How can you remember it?” asked Vaporeon. “It’s a new episode.”
The phone rang. “Vaporeon, answer it,” said Clay. Vaporeon held up a thumbless paw. “But we’re going to miss fastest finger!”
“I’ve got a fast finger for you. And you just said you’ve seen this!”
“Put these Broadway musicals in the order in which they debuted,” said Regis., “going from earliest to latest.”
“Pick up the damn phone!” snapped Vaporeon.
“Shhh!” hissed Clay and Allison. This was their moment to shine. Well, shine in that leaping off the couch and screaming triumphantly in your living room way.
Vaporeon decided to try her hand at video phones. “What?” She sighed as Clay and Allison began cheering for themselves.
“This is the Boss,” said a shadowed figure petting a Persian, who probably wouldn’t be anyone else. “I need to speak to either Clay or Allison.”
“Which one?” asked Vaporeon.
“Whichever one’s more competent.”
“When’s dinner going to be ready?” asked Clay.
Vaporeon smiled and put a paw over the mouthpiece of the phone. Even though Allison hadn’t “ditched the purple wad of pure inability and crapulence”, Vaporeon seemed quite happy to cook their meals. “It’s almost ready,” she said. Cooking had become much more fun once she’d realized how easily rare candy dissolved in most substances. Even microwavable ones. There was a ding. “It’s ready!” she said cheerfully. She watched as Clay and Allison approached the microwave.
“Oww!!”
“My beautiful hands!”
“Pot holders,” Vaporeon reminded them.
“Poor Clay. He won’t be able to masturbate for a whole week.”
“Dammit, Allison, I’m the master of my own domain!”
Allison snorted. “Oh, please. You’re a human marowak.”
“Master of my own domain!”
“Wak wak wak wak wak!”
“Ewghh…Al, if you ever make that gesture again, I’m going to vomit on your boots. The nice ones.”
“Bitch.”
Vaporeon returned her attention back to Giovanni with a shudder. “Maybe you should try Jesse and James,” she suggested. “Clay and Allison don’t even understand the concept of pot holders.” She hung up before any arguing or whining could commence.
Once they were seated without any additional injuries, Clay and Allison happily ate their Spaghetti-O’s and continued watching Millionaire. “This is really good, Vaporeon,” said Clay. He glared at Allison. “Much better than someone’s last attempt.”
Allison gave him the finger. “What about your Ramen noodles? You nearly killed us!”
Vaporeon decided not to comment. While she would normally say that any idiot could make Spaghetti-O’s and Ramen noodles, it would deprive her of a large part of the joy in her life. Plus, ever since she’d figured out who Clay’s parents were and who Allison’s parents were, she’d decided that it was her duty as their pokemon chaperone to get a Rocket hybrid. She was thinking of naming the result Besse. Or Jassidy, depending on her mood at the time. Of course, even if she did comment, the humans still couldn’t cook worth a damn…Hell, they couldn’t even use pot holders. “Spaghetti-O’s aren’t that complicated,” she said.
Already half way through his Spaghetti-O’s with meatballs and rare candy, Clay said, “Yeah, but Allison can’t even push buttons.”
“Huh?” asked Vaporeon.
“Updated version of your idiotic ‘can’t boil water,’” Allison explained.
“Why would you need to boil water?” asked Clay.
Vaporeon and Allison stared at him. “You’re not allowed to call my time period primitive ever again,” said Vaporeon.
“This would explain what went wrong with your Ramen noodles,” said Allison.
Clay looked at her. “Of course, you always know just how to push my buttons,” he said. The Grey Squad promptly lost two more bowls as Clay and Allison tossed their mostly finished meals aside and lunged.
Vaporeon grinned. She didn’t even care that she’d probably have to clean up the carpet. “All right, Allison, this is for the million,” said Clay. “Where do you want to win it all? A. Here on the couch, B. On your bed, C. On the floor, or D. In the shower.”
“I’d like to use one of my lifelines,” said Allison in a sultry voice normally reserved for “shopping,” i.e. robbing Butch.
“50/50 or phone a friend?”
“Mmm, 50/50.”
“We’ve eliminated two of the wrong answers leaving B. in the bedroom or D. in the shower.”
“B.” Allison grinned. “Then D.”
Vaporeon sighed happily as her teammates eagerly scampered towards the bedroom. Then she went over to the phone. “I’ve got the TV,” she said. “Want to come over?”
Having exhausted his supply of erotica, Meowth decided to accept Vaporeon’s invitation. “I can’t stay too long,” he said when she opened the door. “What’re we watching?”
“Ranma. I’ll never be able to watch Who Wants to Be A Millionaire ever again,” she explained.
“Why not? Dat’s a great show! And where are Clay and Allison?”
“Oh, last I heard it sounded like they weren’t very far away from a million…”
Meowth gave her a strange look. “Any way, I can’t stay because I don’t trust Jesse and James alone anymore.”
They both turned at what sounded like Allison’s voice. “Ohh, is that your final answer?” she moaned.
“Did you slip ‘em rare candy again or did Allison finally get a real boyfriend?” the cat asked.
“Do you seriously think any healthy person would put up with game show based dirty talk?” asked Vaporeon.
“Better dan what I’ve heard. And you chose ta submit yourself to this?”
“First of all, it’s the only thing that’ll pry them away from the TV. Secondly—“
There was a muffled, “It’s your turn to pick a category, my charming marowak.”
“I’ll take growlie style for 500, Al.”
“There is no man alive who could maintain arousal during that little display,” Vaporeon finished. “It’s my civic duty to make sure they’re too damn tired to sleep with anyone else.”
“Wow, uhm..dat’s really…”
Vaporeon rolled her eyes. “I had to. Since Allison’s last three Holodeck visits have involved the same real person, I’ve got to make sure she’s knocked up with Clay’s bastard so I can have my Rocket hybrid!”
“Can we just watch da movie?” asked Meowth, looking and feeling queasy.
Vaporeon’s eyes took on a cold determination. “I will have a Jassidy,” she said. “It shall be mine, oh it shall be mine…”
Jesse and James found themselves alone and completely paranoid. “It’s probably just a trap,” said Jesse. “I bet that miserable hair ball’s just hiding somewhere, waiting to jump out and scare us.”
James nodded. “Let’s just play that video game he rented.”
“What is it? Bloody Deathmatch?” Jesse asked hopefully.
James looked at the box. “Reawor Snap,” he said. “Apparently you have to take blackmail pictures to buy yourself protection against Team Mafia. You throw quarters to lure them out of the bushes, then later in the game you throw rare candy.”
Jesse looked at him. “That is the stupidest thing I ever heard of.” She grabbed a controller. “And I’m going first.”
In the hopes that conversation would drown out Clay and Allison since the TV itself wasn’t enough, Meowth stumbled into a double standard of sorts. “Boy, Shampoo sure is a hot cat,” he remarked.
Vaporeon glared at him. While she considered herself free to check out whomever she wanted, including Giovanni’s Persian, she had decided that her significant other was not allowed the same liberties. Or he was at least not supposed to be dumb enough to say anything out loud. “Oh, you think she’s pretty?”
Not seeing where this was going, Meowth nodded. “Just look at dat fur and dat tail…meowth!”
Vaporeon’s eyes narrowed further. Being a water creature, her fur was naturally on the less fluffy side of the spectrum. As for her tail, it might not have been as nice as cat-Shampoo’s, but it was good for hitting things. Like stupid boyfriends who mentioned how hot Shampoo was as a cat. “And those small ears are nice too, aren’t they?” asked Vaporeon. “And those whiskers. My stars.”
Warning signals started to flash in Meowth’s brain. He thought her heard a touch of vicious sarcasm. “Well…uhm…if you like dat sort of thing, yes…”
“Do you like it, Meowth?”
Meowth was now starting to sweat. He was starting to wish she’d asked him if she looked fat.
“Jesse! Over there!” said James, pointing at the screen. “It’s the rare Team Mafia villains Calvin and Alexandra!”
Jesse glared at him. “They’re not doing anything, James,” said Jesse. “And rare? Ever since Level 4 they keep showing up! Hell, we’ve seen them more than we’ve seen Jeremy and Jane!”
James picked up the manual. “Oh, it says here that Calvin prefers the company of men…”
“So does Jeremy, but…well…” They both blushed at the thoughts of the last course.
“No, it doesn’t say that here,” said James. “I think it’s just Calvin.”
“The manual is obviously in denial.”
“Throw some rare candy at them.”
Jesse did. Their eyes both widened. “Wow,” said James.
“What’s this stupid game rated?” asked Jesse. “Maybe we should buy it…”
When Meowth limped back to check on Jesse and James, he was dismayed to find them tangled up in the Nintendo controllers while happy Reawor Snap music played. “What da hell?” he asked. He was actually just glad that they were still fully dressed.
“We were trying to think of new ways to beat the game,” said Jesse.
“Dat’s not one of them! And once you get to da secret course, you throw quarters at da Godfather’s pet cat until it falls down half dead. Den you take as many pictures as you can before you have ta run like hell.” He managed to find a controller and demonstrated.
“Awww!” squealed Jesse and James as a cute little tabby kitten frolicked around the screen, happily mewling. Then Meowth threw a quarter at it. “Mew!” the kitten whimpered.
James sniffled loudly. “Why are you hurting the fluffy little kitten?” he asked.
“Dat’s da only way you can take its picture!” Meowth explained, obviously having no remorse for the fluffy little kitten he was abusing. He pushed pause and turned to look at his teammates. Jesse was trying to comfort James, who had started sobbing. “It’s just a game! And remember da one time I let you two rent Bloody Deathmatch? You two were happy to rip out virtual spines, den!”
“But those weren’t fluffy little kittens!” wailed James.
“James is right, Meowth,” said Jesse.
“Dis game is nothing compared to what you two play! Well, besides Mario Party, but you two make dat one violent too…”
Jesse and James managed to stand up, despite the fact that they were still clinging to each other. “Let’s go think of a plan to steal Pikachu,” said Jesse, futilely attempting to brush a strand of hair out of James’ face. After the fourth try, she gave up. “You can wear some of my clothes in it…”
James managed a weak smile. “Okay, Jess,” he said.
“Mew!” cried the Godfather’s fluffy little kitten.
Shooting a death look at Meowth, Jesse quickly led James out of the room.
The next day, Ash was in a very good mood. He was happily marching down another obscure road, despite the fact that there wasn’t really anything left to do in the Indigo League. He was in a good enough mood to be torturing Misty, Brock, and Pikachu by singing. Togepi had been crying for the last mile and a half. “Chaaange into digital champions, to save the digital world!” Ash belted. “Digimon, digital monsters, digimon are the champions!”
“It’s okay, Togepi,” said Misty, futilely trying to calm the baby pokemon down. “At least Brock stopped singing Baby Got Back…”
“That’s a great song!” said Brock. “Better than what you usually sing, Misty.”
Misty blushed. “Digimon, digital monsters, digimon are the champions!” Ash continued.
“Ash, if you don’t stop singing that stupid song, I’m going to break your kneecaps off and play shuffleboard with them!” Misty screamed. Togepi stopped sobbing and started wailing.
Ash pouted. “But Misty, I need something to do before we find the next gym!”
“Ash, there aren’t any more gyms,” said Brock. “You’ve…’beaten’ them all.”
“For lack of a better word,” muttered Misty.
“But…” said Ash, his eyes starting to wobble. “I need more badges!” He began crying. Togepi stopped wailing and sniffled several times. Then it began keening.
Brock and Misty looked at each other and sighed. Misty put Togepi on the ground, officially making him Pikachu’s problem. Pikachu was very glad that he had earplugs. Not that they helped much. “I think the…Pathetic Little Whiner Gym is just up the road,” said Brock.
Ash immediately brightened. “The Pathetic Little Whiner Gym?” he happily exclaimed. “Come on, Pikachu, let’s go earn our…uhm…”
“Bastard Everyone Wants Dead,” Misty supplied.
“Let’s go earn our Bastard Everyone Wants Dead Badge!” Ash cheered before running off down the road.
Pikachu watched him go. “Pika-pika,” he muttered.(“Dumbass.”)
Togepi smiled happily and waved his little arms. “Togi, togi!” he chirped, beginning to move his hands like the funny, elephant nosed pokemon the other Team Rockets had.
“Wauughh!!” screamed Ash as a mysterious explosion occurred directly under him.
It was the damnedest thing. Metronome always seemed to produce explosions…
Team Rocket would normally been spying on them, planning another nefarious scheme to capture Pikachu. They would probably be digging a hole a few feet up the road if not for the fact that the show that had inspired Giovanni had been “Survivor.” That was how Jesse, James, and Meowth found themselves sitting on a beach with Butch, Cassidy, Clay, Allison, and Vaporeon. “I don’t see why I have to be here,” said Vaporeon.
Jesse scowled. They were allowed next to no clothing and a “luxury” item, but there was a only one crate of supplies. Knowing that she, James, and Meowth at least were binge eaters, she knew it was only a matter of time before they were testing which berries were poisonous and which weren’t the old fashioned way. “So…do we have to play any idiotic island games?” asked Jesse.
“No, I think we’ve just been left out here to die,” said Cassidy.
“Charming,” said Allison.
“I have an idea,” said Clay. “Before everything collapses into brutal, Lord of the Flies chaos, let’s share what luxury item we all brought!”
“I brought a box of condoms,” Butch said proudly. He winked at Cassidy, who looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
“I brought a toothbrush,” said Cassidy.
Jesse and James exchanged a glance and snickered. “You’ll need fresh breath so those condoms don’t go to waste!” said Jesse.
“And what did you two bring?” asked Cassidy.
“Hair spray,” said Jesse.
“And my hair brush,” said James.
The others looked expectantly at Clay and Allison. “I brought Nair,” Clay said proudly. Probably a little too proudly.
“Ugh,” said Allison with a knowing shudder.
“Any of you ladies-and James—are welcome to borrow some. In exchange for goods and services.”
“Such as?” asked Jesse.
“Knowing Clay, in about six hours he’ll be willing to trade anything for the toothbrush,” said Vaporeon.
“And the hair spray,” said Allison.
Clay glared at her. “Look who’s talking.”
“At least I don’t Nair my testicles.”
There was a group shudder. “Will someone please vote me off da island?” asked Meowth. “I don’t want to die like dis!”
“Maybe Allison brought something that can get us off this miserable island,” said Jesse.
“Actually, I brought my portable MP3 collection.”
Anger veins began appearing. “Why didn’t you bring your time machine?” screamed Jesse.
“We could probably have used it to get off this stupid island!” whined James.
“Giovanni wouldn’t let us bring it,” said Allison.
“God knows what he’s doing with it now,” added Clay.
“You didn’t lock it up?” asked Vaporeon.
“No…” her teammates replied. “But everyone belongs to everyone else…” they added in a pathetic little whine.
The water pokemon stood up. “That’s it,” she said. “I’m swimming for home.”
“But, we did smuggle some extra supplies in just to spite him!” said Clay.
“What supplies did he give us?” asked Cassidy.
Butch opened the crate and peered in. “Half a package of Oreos with the cream filling scraped out, Candyland, Risk, Monopoly and a note that says ‘See you in hell.’”
“So we do get to play stupid island games!” James squealed with a bit too much enthusiasm.
Jesse looked at him. She never knew heat stroke could set in so soon. Sighing, she stood up. “If we’re going to survive here, we’re going to have to work together,” she said. The others nodded, some of them a bit reluctantly. “James, Meowth, and I will build a shelter, and Butch and Cassidy can steal Clay and Allison’s extra supplies.”
“There’s no need for stealing,” said Clay. “I’ve got enough food pills for everyone!”
“Food pills?” asked James.
“No,” said Allison. “Absolutely not. I am not eating food pills.”
“Anyone else fleeing?” asked Vaporeon. “I’m willing to carry anyone who weighs less than 60 pounds.”
“I weigh less than 60 pounds!” announced Meowth, walking towards her. “Besides, you know how much I love ta ride you, baby,” he added with a wink that caused Vaporeon to use ice beam on a very delicate area before diving into the sea.
“Cheer up, Meowth,” said James while the cat continued to whimper faintly.
“After all, it’s heat that’s bad for those!” Jesse added cheerfully. “Now, let’s go build our shelter while we let Butch and Cassidy frisk Clay and Allison!”
Clay smirked at his partner, who was staring in horrified dismay at a triumphant looking Butch. “Look, Al! Karma at work!”
Allison punched him in the arm. “Well, Clay, I’ve decided to cooperate.” She then reached under her jacket and pulled out two three pound bags of peanut M&M’s, leaving her chest as flat as a board.
“You stuff your bra with M&M’s?” asked Clay, staring in fear at her now unimpressive chest. Which basically meant that he was going to be the only one whose rights were violated that day.
Allison nodded, pausing to wipe a tear from her eye. “Sometimes Skittles. Or good old fashioned Kleenex.” She then leaned over and added to Butch in a stage whisper, “I’m really a man.”
Butch turned pale. “Cassidy,” he said, “Can I borrow your toothbrush?”
“Really?” asked Clay, his eyes widening.
Allison nodded. “And now, since we’re done frisking me, I’m going to go skinny dipping in that peaceful babbling brook over there! Have fun, Clay!”
A few feet away, Meowth was still shivering and cursing. Jesse and James were looking at a large pile of wood as if staring it could make it shelter worthy. “We could sleep in the crate,” James suggested.
“Don’t be stupid,” snapped Jesse. “Building a shelter is no more complicated then building a gigantic pokemon magnet! You just need the right tools!”
“But, Jesse, all we have is oreos and Monopoly money! And there’s not even any cream left in the oreos that we could use as glue!”
Jesse whacked him with a fan. “Quit complaining! If those idiots on Gilligan’s Island could build an entire village and a radio out of coconuts, geniuses such as ourselves should have no trouble!”
“Yeah, but dat was just a stupid TV show,” said Meowth. “And you two make da cast of Gilligan’s Island look like members of Mensa!”
“Meowth,” Jesse said sweetly. “Have you ever seen what happens when you dunk a raquetball in liquid nitrogen and drop it?”
“Yeah, it…” Meowth’s whiskers drooped at the mere thought of what this probably meant. “I’ll be good,” he said in a small, docile little voice.
“Glad to hear it. Now help us build a shelter.”
Clay was currently trying to sneak away from Butch and Cassidy, who were discussing some “tough issues.” “So, now that she’s a guy, are you willing to threesome with her?” asked Butch, who had recovered from his shock quite well.
“No,” Cassidy snapped.
“How about with Jesse?” Butch asked.
“Absolutely not!”
Butch sighed. “Boy, Cassie, you really need to lighten up.” He nodded towards Clay, who was just one step and a lunge away from the all concealing bushes. “What about him?”
Cassidy seemed to consider it for a moment. “Yeah,” said Clay. Must not throw up, must not throw up, must…go see if Al’s really a guy. She’s probably very well endowed…I mean, if her fake breasts were any indication… The thought of his partner being a man skinny dipping had naturally had a few side effects. For example, a good deal of critical blood was taking a field trip away from the brain. “Let me just go Nair my testicles and then we can get to it!” Before anything could detract from potential naked fem boys, Clay lunged into the bushes.
“How about Jesse?” Butch suggested.
“I told you, no,” Cassidy snapped.
“I heard she’s really kinky…”
“No! And she’s not that kinky.”
Butch sighed. Life just wasn’t fair.
Jesse and James now found themselves staring at what largely resembled Eeyore’s house, only with less aesthetic appeal and less structural integrity. “Maybe a few leaves would help,” said Jesse.
“I still say we should just live in the crate,” muttered James.
“It’s a perfectly good shack!” snapped Jesse. “If you don’t like it, you don’t have to sleep in it.”
“Okay.”
Jesse glared at him. That wasn’t the response she had hoped for.
Allison sighed happily. Now this was what an island paradise was all about—swimming nude and messing with people’s heads. Sure, it had taken two hours and a roll of medical tape. It would be worth it just to see Clay’s expression. Because she knew he was a horny little hell fiend who would naturally come investigate. Which would probably keep her laughing for hours since her medical tape was now a little ball chucked into the bushes and she was relying on keeping only her head above water. I just hope he doesn’t steal my clothes out of spite…
“And where exactly are you going to sleep?” asked Jesse, glaring at her partner.
James shrugged. He had no idea, but he assumed that anywhere would be safer than a rickety pile of sticks. “Why don’t we play Candyland?” he suggested. “Since I think Butch and Cassidy let Clay and Allison escape.”
“Good riddance,” muttered Jesse. “Maybe they’ll get eaten by an alligator or something so they’ll stop inexplicably following us. And we’re playing Risk.”
James suddenly felt very, very frightened. “You’re not allowed to play Risk anymore, remember, Jess?” He gave her his most pathetic look. “Besides, I want to play Candyland.”
Jesse sighed. “Fine. We’ll play Candyland.”
“Eee heee hee!” James squealed before scampering off towards the “supply” crate.
“Hi, Al,” said Clay, grinning idiotically. “Mind if I join you?”
“Not at all,” Allison replied. She raised an eyebrow as Clay began to strip down without great enthusiasm. Wow… she thought. So this is what truth or dare would’ve been like if I’d been sober. She raised the other eyebrow when she noticed a particular detail. “Damn, Clay, I had no idea…”
“I told you that if you were a man—“
“No, I meant the zebra striped thong. It’s a bit cliched for you.”
“But I don’t want to play Candyland,” said Butch, pouting. He gave Cassidy a significant glance. “I wanted to play doctor. Or post office.”
“We’re playing Candyland,” said Cassidy.
“Then I want to be blue.” He scowled at Cassidy. “Stupid prude…”
“I already called it,” said James, sticking his tongue out at Butch.
“You have to be green,” said Jesse. “Everything else is taken.”
Ten minutes later, Clay was still thong clad, blushing, and dangling his feet in the water. Allison rolled her eyes. “Come on, Clay,” she said. “I don’t have cooties. Besides, remember our sad and sorry attempts at a pokemon journey?”
Clay thought for a moment. “We got our asses royally kicked at the Pallet Town Gym, then we tried to cheat and got our asses royally kicked again…” He brightened. “Then we went to the beach!”
“Mostly just to get that dear little Ketcham boy to give us the badges we so richly deserved…” Allison scowled. “Little prude…”
“I always found it odd that those kids are about our age,” said Clay. “All things considered.”
“Poor Misty,” sighed Allison. “It was probably a shotgun wedding.”
Something suspicious caught Clay’s eye. Since his judgement was currently impaired by the logic that if Allison looked kind of like James and if she hadn’t been lying and had really been in drag for the past decade(well, if Sailor Uranus could do it…)then she was probably the closest he was going to get to being James’ bitch. Because of these various jumbled reasons, he decided to reach down. Both of their eyes widened. “Dammit, Clay, I’m not that kind of hermaphrodite,” said Allison.
“Is this what I think it is?” asked Clay.
“Yes. Now let go.”
“So I’m touching a woman’s—“
“No, Clay, I’m a very fat ma—“ Allison very quickly managed to grab his other wrist. “Don’t be a tease. Besides, you’re not going to find anything there that’s going to cheer you up.”
An anger vein appeared on Butch’s forehead as he looked down at the card. “I have to go back to Plumby again?!” he snarled.
While Butch continued muttering bad thoughts, James took a card and sighed. “I hate gooey gumdrops,” he whined. He’d been stuck there for the past 17 turns.
“My turn!” Jesse said cheerfully. This was because she was one purple card away from winning the game. As she had been for the past four turns. All four Candyland players looked up at the sound of two shrill, terrified shrieks.
“Sounds like Allison’s a girl again,” said Cassidy, smiling a rather enigmatic smile.
“Or Clay is,” said Butch.
“Just take your damn turn, Jesse!” Cassidy added.
Jesse took a card. Her face started turning red. “What?!” she screamed. “I have to go all the way back to Grandma Nut’s house?”
James began looking for something to hide behind. When you had Jesse’s temper, even Candyland could become as violent as Bloody Deathmatch. It was only a matter of time before the little plastic gingerbread men starting flying. He nodded, knowing what he had to do: find the first convenient human shield before Jesse got really pissed off, because somehow he’d become her personal stress squeezer. And not in the good way. Well, sometimes not in the good way.
James’ prayers—at least in the human shield department—were answered when Clay appeared, very pissed off and hurriedly dressed. Allison was a few steps behind him, laughing hysterically and also hurriedly dressed. She pushed a damp strand of hair out of her face and giggled, “Want to make an honest woman out of me?”
“I’m not talking to you,” said Clay. His mood naturally improved when James ducked behind him. “James, tell Allison that this is a perfect example of karma. Those who are made to suffer are re—ow!” he screamed as the green gingerbread man hit him in the forehead.
“You weren’t suffering,” said Allison. “Besides, it’s not like I have cooties.”
“James, hold me tighter. And tell Allison she gave me cooties! Very dirty cooties!”
“You were the one who touched me there!”
“Whoa,” said Butch, Cassidy and James. James took a nervous step away from Clay while still keeping the other Rocket in an optimum human shield position.
Jesse rolled her eyes. “Yes, the maturity levels are quite high,” she said.
“Throw your own damn pieces,” said Butch.
Jesse replied by throwing the red piece at Clay. “Get away from James,” she added.
“But, Jesse, he’s my human shield!” James protested.
Jesse’s eyes narrowed further. “We’re going to play Risk,” she said. “And the team that loses the worst has to vote someone off the island.”
“We have teams?” asked James, blinking several times.
“Yes, James,” Jesse explained very slowly. “You, me, and Meowth are a team, Butch and Cassidy are a team, and Clay and Allison are a team.” She smiled. “I call red.”
“I call blue!” said James.
“Yellow,” said Cassidy, yawning. “And Jesse, I don’t think it’s quite fair that your team is bigger than ours…especially since you’re going to lose.”
“I call pink,” said Clay.
“Figures,” muttered Butch, despite the testimony that Clay had apparently touched Allison “there”. “Black.”
As Allison bitterly took the green pieces, she smirked at her partner. “Do you think you still qualify?” she asked. “After all, you did make the first move…”
“Shut up! It was your stupid mind games!”
Allison made a face at him while Jesse started dealing out the cards. “So? Just because you were dumb enough to believe that I was really a man who stuffed his bra with candy doesn’t mean you needed to molest me!”
Jesse grinned. All was going according to plan…
For the truly viciously competitive, there are various rules for playing Risk that have developed over the years. For example, one goes around the table each putting an army down after each country has one army. And if there is a dispute, the attacker gets the red dice. Also, if one acquires Indonesia, one is required to announce that he or she holds the “gateway to Australia” in a voice that means he or she plans to put at least half their extra armies in Indonesia out of spite.
Speaking of spite, for a group such as Team Rocket, there are two ways to plan an attack: the logical way, or the spiteful way. As Clay put 2/3rds of his armies onto Indonesia and announced that he now held the gateway to Australia, there was a flicker in Allison’s artificially green eyes that told what her strategy would be, especially since she had both Siam and Western Australia. James and Cassidy, the other two owners of bits of Australia, exchanged a glance, sighed, and built up their armies elsewhere. A spite-war was obviously brewing.
Jesse, having noticed this, began planning to crush either Clay or Allison, depending who was most crippled by spite. She glanced at James, then nodded towards Clay. He nodded, then looked at Allison. They both smiled. Nothing like early diplomacy. Nevermind the fact that Jesse planned to later crush James like a bug. At least they weren’t getting voted off the island…
One epic spite-war later, Clay was staring down at his two remaining troops who were stationed in the Congo, which was dead center of Cassidy's plans to take over Africa, and Ukraine, which was currently being accused of being weak by Butch. “Ukraine is weak,” growled Butch. He had the right to say this due to the 16 armies he had in Ural, which seemed intent on sweeping through Europe. Clay was currently a speedbump in those plans. “Just like you, Pretty Boy.” Butch rolled two fours and a three. Clay rolled a one.
Allison would normally have snickered at this, but the majority of her force was stranded on Indonesia with nowhere to go to conquer. She sighed. “Can we play Candyland?” she asked as Butch moved on to one of her sad and sorry outposts in Scandinavia.
“Prepare to die!” Butch said, laughing maniacally as best he could. After dying in three rolls, Allison glared at him.
“You,” she said, “Are a horrendous, perverted little sleaze with a dick that works better than your brain, and regardless of what I said last night—“
“Last night?!” exclaimed Clay and Cassidy, the former more frightened and the latter pissed off as all hell.
“Your voice,” Allison said, lowering her voice to a harsh growl that still wasn’t as painful as Butch’s, “sounds awful. You, froggo, are a hideous freak of nature, much like the elephant man, and as such should be forever alone and reviled! So when you need a new lung, don’t come crawling to me!” Allison then sat back and began sulking.
Butch snorted. “At least I don’t look like James, she-male.”
From where he was still thawing, Meowth laughed. “Ha! Dat’s a compliment! Jesse’s da mannish one!”
Jesse threw a handful of her pieces at him. “Since Clay and Allison are going to lose—“
“We could make a come-back,” the Grey Squad said quietly.
“Let’s make them vote one of them off the island,” Jesse finished, pulling pens and paper out of nowhere.
Naturally, Clay and Allison each voted the other one off the island. “You bitch!” they snapped.
“What now?” asked James.
Jesse thought for a moment. “We could throw both of them off,” she suggested.
“Good,” said Butch, sniffling. Being told you were the verbal elephant man hurt.
“Now…where’s a cliff?” asked Jesse.
“You’re going to literally throw us off?” asked Clay.
Allison was starting to wish she’d just called Butch a perverted little sleaze instead of going ahead and saying the thing about his voice. Despite the fact that it was true and that she couldn’t be the only one thinking it. She wasn’t, in fact. Something similar went through Cassidy’s head every time her partner talked about what a sexy stud muffin he was.
“But…I’ve got food pills,” said Clay. “They could feed you for weeks!”
“It’s probably just rare candy,” said Jesse.
Jesse, James, Butch, and Cassidy all burst out laughing. “Yeah, right,” said Butch.
“If it was rare candy, they’d be whacked out on it right now!” added Cassidy.
“Maybe they used it all up earlier,” said James with an especially devilish grin. “Didn’t Allison say Clay touched her…there?”
Meowth started laughing too. “Da whole gay thing is probably just a cover-up!” the cat added.
Allison buried her face in her hands. “Can you please just throw us off the island?” she asked.
“Ooo! They’re denying it!” squealed Jesse.
“And you know what that means!” giggled James.
They suddenly themselves facing raised eyebrows from Meowth, Butch, and Cassidy. Meowth then shrugged, deciding to save accusations against Jesse and James for later and to focus now on the current defenseless subjects of ridicule. “Dey’re loveboids all right!” he agreed, winking at Clay and Allison.
“You know, I always thought they’d look good together,” said Cassidy.
Jesse nodded. Clay and Allison exchanged a glance. Even with the Back to the Future theory of time travel, this did not bode well. “Why, it’s a match made in heaven!” Jesse added.
“You know, I read somewhere that everyone is inherently bisexual,” said James.
“Well, that takes care of any little problems here,” Butch agreed.
“And we already know dey’re good togetha in bed too!” said Meowth. “Even if dey can’t remember it!”
“Al, please tell me you have cyanide,” said Clay.
“Clay, let’s smash our time machine,” said Allison.
Jesse laughed. “Oh, I’m sure your parents will agree with us!” she said.
“How could they not?” muttered Clay.
“How about this,” suggested Allison. “If neither one of us has a real spouse and/or life partner by thirty, we’ll get married.”
“Thirty?” Clay whispered to her. “Why not fifty?”
“Now, let’s just get back to chucking us into the sea and leaving us to fend for ourselves in the—hopefully—shark infested waters.”
Jesse and James looked at each other, their expressions filling with pure, unadulterated girlish glee. “Let’s plan their wedding!” they squealed.
“Now, we all know that Allison can’t wear white,” said Jesse. “So…there’s always hussy white.”
“Or grey,” suggested James.
Butch and Cassidy looked critically at them. “Maybe Clay should marry James,” suggested Butch.
“Is that legal?” asked Cassidy.
“That would be appropriate,” said Jesse, most likely referring to dress color.
“Or we could build a boat so we could all leave this treacherous hell hole,” said Clay.
Jesse, James, Butch, and Cassidy all gave him a knowing smile. “Sounds like someone’s got the pre-wedding jitters!” said James.
“As do I,” said Allison. “Gee, maybe this is a bad idea!”
“Seriously,” said Clay. “Al’s not a virgin and her dowry sucks!”
“Yes, but we could say the same thing about you,” said Jesse.
Back on the mainland…“Is there really a Pathetic Little Whiner Gym?” asked Ash.
“Yes,” said Misty.
“It’s right next to the Middle of Nowhere Gym,” added Brock.
“Hey, there is no Middle of Nowhere Gym!” shouted Ash. Then something caught his eye. “Hey, look! It’s Senior Citizen Bingo Night! Let’s go!”
In that moment, Misty and Brock knew what terror was. “Of course there’s a Middle of Nowhere Gym, Ash,” said Misty. “We’re just not looking hard enough!”
“Yes,” added Brock. “Come on, Ash. There’s no need to beat up the elderly when you’ve got badges to earn!”
They both shuddered as Ash and Pikachu ran into the Bingo hall. Even from outside they could hear the smug shout of, “I am Ash Ketcham, from Pallet Town, and I am going to be the best pokemon bingo master you old biddies ever saw!”
Now that the Grey Squad had been scared into running off into the wilderness screaming, Jesse and James decided it was time to do what they needed to do to live long enough for the rescue plane to show up: get good tans. “What about that sorry excuse for a shelter?” asked Cassidy.
“If you don’t like it, you can build another one out of coconuts or something,” said Jesse. Somehow she and James had found beach chairs to lie on. Meowth had managed to find one too and was almost completely thawed.
“You know, Jess, pairing up Clay and Allison isn’t that bad an idea,” said James. “For one thing, it’ll keep their dirty little hands off me!”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Jesse muttered. “Remind me to think of a plan to get them married when we get home.”
“Vaporeon says dat she’s trying ta breed dem,” Meowth said helpfully. “Maybe dat’ll work!”
Cassidy sighed. “Come on, Butch. Let’s go look for coconuts. The sooner we build a better shelter, the sooner we can get back to the matchmaking.”
Misty turned bright red and tried to hide as Ash leapt to his feet again. “Bingo!” Ash cheered. “In your face, Widow Crawford!”
The Widow Crawford, who had only entered the game in the hopes of winning enough money to keep the house she and Mr. Crawford and lived in for fifty years and had raised their children in, began to weep.
“Don’t mind him,” said Brock to the 60 year old woman sitting next to him. “He’s insane.”
“What a nice young boy you are,” the 60 year old woman replied. Brock grinned. This was the farthest he’d ever gotten. She looked him up and down. “A very nice boy…tell me, Brock…how would you like to come back to my house after this next round for some sugar cookies?”
“Okay!” Brock was very happy. This was practically a date. “That would be great, Mrs…uhm…”
“Desmond.”
“Mrs. Desmond! Is there a Mr. Desmond?” asked Brock.
Mrs. Desmond shook her head. “Sadly, no. He passed away years ago.”
Yes! thought Brock. I’ve got a chance!
A very wild eyed Clay and Allison looked around them. “Did they follow us? Are we safe?” asked Allison.
“I wouldn’t be that bad of a husband, Al,” Clay muttered.
“Dammit, Clay, I want my freedom! I don’t want to be forced into this crap! I want to be a bumblebee without a nose!” she screamed, grabbing him by the collar.
“You really don’t take the heat well, do you, Al?”
“Do I have a right to be manipulated? No! I’m supposed to manipulate others! That’s why god gave me big knockers!”
“And here I always thought that was your plastic surgeon’s doing…And what’re they going to do? Vaguely remember how they wanted Clay and Allison--gee, what nice names those are ha, ha, irony—to get married? So what! They hate each other! We’re safe!”
“Yes, Clay,” Allison replied, looking very serious. “But who do they hate more?”
“But that’s just right now,” said Clay. “I think…” He considered the situation for a moment. “We could kill ourselves the old fashioned way!”
“No. Blood is thicker than fear of commitment.”
“There’s nothing to commit to! Well, at least not in a consummating sense. Even though we kind of already did that…”
Something had occurred to Jesse. “This island would be much nicer if we got rid of Butch and Cassidy,” she said.
James and Meowth nodded. “But how?” asked James.
“We’re just going to have to make a giant robot that will literally throw them off the island,” said Jesse.
“How? You two couldn’t even make a decent lean to,” said Meowth.
“Just because we’re brilliant doesn’t mean we have any practical skills!” snapped James.
“Let’s go look for coconuts,” suggested Jesse.
“You can’t build a giant robot out of coconuts!” screeched Meowth.
Jesse and James both glared at him. “Well, Meowth, since you’re the expert on throwing people off islands with giant robots--” Jesse began. Meowth laughed nervously. “Why don’t you build one?”
“Dat came with bein’ da meowth god,” Meowth said quietly.
James grinning at his partner. “Hey, Jess, let’s try to teach Meowth pay day!”
“I’m goin’ ta look for da coconuts,” Meowth bravely volunteered. Mostly just to get away from whatever sicko plan it was this time.
Jesse and James high fived and went back to working on their tans.
“You know, Butch, this island would be a lot better if we got rid of Jesse and James,” said Cassidy. They were killing time before admitting that while they could hook a pokemon up to a satellite dish, they had absolutely no idea how to build a crude shelter out of sticks.
“We could kill them,” Butch suggested.
Cassidy nodded. She was a bit stunned, actually. They were alone, in the jungle, and Butch hadn’t made a single move.
“Cassidy,” he suddenly asked, “is my voice really that bad?”
As a supportive partner, Cassidy knew what she was supposed to say, especially since Butch had not only been horribly insulted, but was probably also on the border of nicotine withdrawal. She was supposed to say that Allison was a stupid bimbo and that maybe when she was older she’d be able to appreciate a voice that was as sexy as Butch’s. Cassidy didn’t think that even she could lie that much.
“Well, Brock, would you like to go back to my house now?” asked Mrs. Desmond.
“Sure!” said Brock. Maybe she’s even got a beautiful granddaughter…
“Ash, this is senior citizen bingo night, not the pokemon league,” said Misty.
Ash pulled down his lower eyelid. “You’re just jealous because I won again! So screw you!” he said to the lady sitting across from him. Both she and the six young men who had been cheering her on glared at him.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing, you loser?”
Ash turned, blinking several times. “Gary? What’re you doing here?”
“I came to walk my Nana home from Bingo,” said Gary. “Good thing I came when I did! Nana, how could you let this little loser insult you?”
Gary’s Nana only chuckled. “Oh, now, Gary, I can tell you don’t think that little loser is really all that bad. Even if he is just as stupid as he is pathetic.”
Gary nodded. “You’re right, Nana,” he said. “He is pathetic!”
“But you don’t think I’m all that bad?” asked Ash, sounding hopeful.
“Well, I can’t say you’re all that good either!”
“Very astute, Gary,” said Gary’s Nana. “Now, why don’t you tell me about your day?” They left, cheerleader entourages following. This allowed Brock and Mrs. Desmond to slip out unseen.
Back on the island, Allison was continued her tirade. “And I’m not going to sit back and wait for my dream stud to rescue me from this little mess—which is all your fault! I’m getting out of this myself!” Allison stopped to sigh dejectedly. “Mostly because no one loves me…”
“I love you,” Clay said, pouting.
“Clay, you know the rule. ‘Don’t say unless you want to lay.’ What if someone heard you?”
Clay rolled his eyes. “Sorry, Allison.”
“It’s not my rule! And don’t blame me if everyone decides you’re straight because of that.”
He stuck his tongue out at her. “Now I really don’t want to marry you, ice queen!”
“Jigglypuff!” chirped a happy little voice.
The two Rockets looked down. “Dammit,” they muttered.
“Are dey back yet?” asked Meowth, depositing an armful of coconuts in front of Jesse and James.
“Not yet,” said Jesse.
“They’re probably doing it,” added James.
“So…how does one make a giant robot out of coconuts?” asked Meowth.
Jesse rolled her eyes. “Don’t you know anything?” she asked.
“Apparently not. So…you two can’t build a shelter and you probably can’t build a boat either but…” He sighed. “I’m not really all dat surprised, actually.”
“Ooo! Jesse! Won’t the Boss be impressed if we not only manage to escape the island he left us to die on, but if we also find some rare pokemon?” said James.
“That’s brilliant!” said Jesse. They victory hugged. “Now, where are we going to find some rare pokemon?”
“Maybe Butch and Cassidy have some!” said Meowth.
Jesse sighed. “Meowth, if we give the Boss that stupid raticate, it’ll only make him madder at us.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Wait a minute, Jess,” said James. “Don’t Clay and Allison have a clefairy? Those are space aliens!”
“Right,” said Jesse, nodding. “Of course, we’d have to find them.”
“And the alligators might have gotten them by now.”
“Dere’s alligators?” asked Meowth. “Can we just build a boat?”
“Wow, you sure have a nice house, Mrs. Desmond!” said Brock.
Mrs. Desmond smiled. “Wait until you see the upstairs,” she said. She nodded to her butler.
“The usual, Mrs. Desmond?” asked the butler.
“Yes, Max.”
“Very good, madam.” Max went up the elaborate staircase to ready Mrs. Desmond’s official “entertaining suite.”
Mrs. Desmond turned back to Brock. “Let me get you a sugar cookie, Brock,” she said. Brock nodded happily. “Oh, and don’t wander too far! I don’t want you getting lost…”
Brock looked out the window. “Wow! You’ve got a pool?”
“Yes, but…I wouldn’t get too close. It hasn’t been cleaned in quite some time…” Looking at him a second time, she smiled. She probably wouldn’t even have to use the sugar cookies with bits of rare candy in them on this one…
Clay pulled out a pale blue book with a unicorn on the front and a metallic purple pen. “Dear Diary, the week started out normally enough. Now for some idiot reason, we’re trapped on an island with Jigglypuff and we’re also betrothed. I think.,” he said as he wrote.
Allison pulled out a pokeball. “Well, I’m going to capture it—and I know just how to weaken it!” She also pulled out her portable MP3 player and began laughing maniacally.
“Puff?” asked Jigglypuff, looking confused.
“I think the heat has gotten to Allison,” Clay continued. “Because she’s trying to fight a Jigglypuff with music. When Jigglypuff’s major attack is sing…”
“Fight fire with fire!” Allison replied. “As for you, Jigglypuff, let’s see how you like the story of the Hurricane, the man the authorities came to blame!”
Clay went pale. Chucking his diary over his shoulder, he pulled out a pokeball. “I’ll catch the damn thing myself, just as long as you don’t play that song.”
“Too late,” said Allison, smirking at him as she pushed play.
Large eyes narrowing, Jigglypuff pulled out her infamous microphone and began singing.
“Oh, you want to play rough?” said Allison, skipping down several tracks before pulling out a orange sharpie permanent marker. “If ‘The Hurricane’ doesn’t scare you, I’ve got something that will!”
“I wish I was dead,” muttered Clay. “It looks like it’s up to me to save us, Jigglypuff. There’s only one thing that’ll tune you out when you’re in angsty Andrew Llyod Webber mode!”
“You idiot. I’m using Les Mis, remember?”
“Quite well. ‘On My Own?” Allison nodded, causing Clay to shudder. “The last thing I need to ruin starving on this god forsaken island is your derranged warblings!” Clay pulled out a purple permanent marker and an MP3 player of his own. “Prepare for the Brittany Spears remake of ‘American Pie’!”
Jigglypuff decided to run.
Jesse and James were now looking down at a pile of coconuts that was supposed to resemble a boat. Or hopefully something that would kill alligators. “It’s hopeless,” whined James. “We’re going to die here!”
“Snap out of it, James! We can survive anything!”
“Except alligators…”
Jesse whacked him with a coconut. She then looked carefully at it. “James, why does this coconut have eyes?”
“Ditto!” the coconut chirped as it turned back into its original form.
Jesse and James looked at each other and grinned. This was the stuff lame deus ex machinas were made of. Jesse promptly scooped the pink blob up into her arms. “Now, little ditto,” she cooed. “Turn into Mew for us!”
“Then you’ll be able to fly us off the island and we’ll be able to give the world’s rarest pokemon to the boss!” added James.
“Ditto?” asked Ditto. “Ditto, ditto!”
“No! Have it turn into a Ho-oh!” shouted Meowth.
Jesse stomped on him. “Just ignore him, little ditto,” she said.
“Ditto!” said Ditto, transforming into a Mew with a Ditto’s face.
“Not another one,” sighed Jesse and James.
“Oh well,” said James. “We can always tell the Boss it’s a special Mew!”
“Just as long as it gets us out of here,” agreed Jesse.
Brock was staring up at the ceiling, a look of rapture on his face. “This is the happiest day of my life,” he sighed.
“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, dear,” said Mrs. Desmond, reaching into the bedside table and pulling out her revolver just in case.
“I should probably be getting back to my friends now…”
Mrs. Desmond nodded to herself and slid the revolver into her bathrobe pocket. Another troublesome one… “Brock, dear, how would you like to go for a swim before you leave?”
“Sounds great!” said Brock. “I’ve always wanted a pool!”
“Meet me out there.” Once Brock had scampered out of the room, Mrs. Desmond sighed. “Such a shame,” she said softly. “Max! Get the shovel!”
Max appeared in the doorway. “But, madam, this is the third one this week…”
Mrs. Desmond glared at him. “Max, what am I?”
“The greatest star of all!”
“Damn right. Now, go get the shovel.”
“Yes, madam. I shall lay out your “deranged flashback” clothing in case the police arrive.”
“Excellent.”
A few minutes later, Jesse and James had rematerialized, complete with their bootleg Mew, in front of Giovanni’s office. Meowth was still very very bitter. “What’s wrong with Ho-oh?” he asked. “It’s da ultimate pokemon!”
Jesse and James sighed. “It’s called Ho-oh, for one thing,” snapped Jesse.
“The boss will think we made it up,” added James.
“He believes in twygs and liafs…” Meowth pointed out.
“He probably just needed some fire wood,” said Jesse, knocking on the door.
“Where’s Jigglypuff?” Allison asked in a feeble rasp.
“Damned if I know,” said Clay, also on the fringes of laryngitis. “That was probably a bad idea. Is there a bug on me?”
“No,” Allison replied. She continued doodling various obscenities and insults on the back of his neck. “Is there a bug on my leg?”
“No,” Clay replied as he added the finishing touches to a crude and scantily clad stick figure that bore an uncanny resemblence to Allison. Underneath it he wrote “SLUT” in big, bold letters. “Are you sure there aren’t any bugs on me?”
“Positive.” Having run out of space on his neck, Allison was now in the process of writing “Insert Dick Here” on her partner’s ass.
Giovanni’s persian rolled onto his back. He wanted his tummy rubbed, dammit. Giovanni, however, didn’t seemed to understand this. Persian pouted for a moment, then decided to try rolling back and forth a few times. Still nothing. Apparently the pink thing hovering in between Jesse, James, and Meowth was far more interesting. Persian’s eyes narrowed. The pink thing was obviously as big a menace as the morning paper, and there was only one way to fight the morning paper…
“You two,” Giovanni was saying, “caught Mew?”
Jesse, James, and Meowth nodded proudly. They were all beaming like they’d found a cure for cancer.
“Is Mew still the world’s rarest pokemon?” Giovanni asked. Something seemed very, very wrong about this…
“Except for Ho-oh!” said Meowth. Jesse kicked him into the wall behind them.
Before Giovanni could ask another question, specifically, what the hell was a ho-oh, Persian leapt onto his desk, causing the entire frame to wobble slightly. Bootleg Mew continued to hover, basically oblivious to the world around it. “Bad Mr. Kitty!” snapped Giovanni, trying to sound commanding. It wasn’t an easy task to do considering the fact that he not only had a pet named “Mr. Kitty”, but Mr. Kitty was not a pet easily removed from desktops. More dignity was lost by the fact that Mr. Kitty was happily purring and rubbing his head against Giovanni’s shoulder.
Meowth’s eyes narrowed. “Dat dirty son of a…” he growled.
“You and your human fetish,” Jesse sighed.
“How dare dat mangy alley cat mark my trainer as his property!”
Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “Aren’t you the mangy alley cat?” asked James.
“Dat’s besides da point!”
“We’ll just leave you and your new Mew to get acquainted,” said Jesse, nervously backing away. Persian had now flopped down on his side in the hopes that this would get his tummy rubbed. Several papers had been knocked to the floor in the process.
Giovanni waved them away and continued trying to move the massive cat.
“I hope he remembers to lift with his legs and not his back,” James said once they were safely outside.
By an astonishing coincidence, Ash and Misty had stumbled across the Desmond residence. “Wow! This place is huge!” said Ash.
“Is that Brock?” asked Misty.
They both ran over to the pool, where Brock was lying. “Hi guys! This is the luckiest day of my life!”
Ash and Misty looked down at him. “Then why are you bleeding?” asked Ash.
“Oh…” Brock stared blushing. “Gee, I thought that only happened to girls after the first time…”
“Your leg, Brock,” said Misty.
“Oh…”
“Damn! I missed!” snarled Mrs. Desmond. “And I only loaded it with the usual two bullets…” She chucked the gun over her shoulder. “Well, stars such as myself don’t need guns…we have…faces! And if I could say more with my eyes than these actors today can say in an entire monologue, then I can certainly strangle this little idiot!”
“Huh?” asked Ash.
“Well, any girl who’d sleep with Brock would have to be confused,” said Misty.
“Girl? Misty, she looks like she’s three hundred years old!”
“Max!” Mrs. Desmond shouted towards the house. “Where’s that damn shovel?”
“You know, James,” said Jesse once they were back out in the middle of nowhere, hoping to finally capture Pikachu but knowing that they had a snowball’s chance in hell of actually succeeding. “I think I learned something today.”
“What’s that, Jess?”
“I learned that you should always look for the easiest way out of every problem. For example, instead of actually looking for rare pokemon on a deserted island, we just made a ditto transform.”
“But, Jesse, doesn’t ditto count as a rare pokemon?”
“Us catchin’ something is rare enough,” muttered Meowth.
Jesse sighed. “Fine. We didn’t learn anything.”
“Didn’t we agree that we’re not supposed to learn anything?” asked James. “I mean, if we were going to learn a valuable lesson from our constant, abject failure, I think we’d probably have real jobs by now.”
“I think I learned something,” said Meowth. “I learned that just when you think things have gotten far too complicated and completely off topic, dere’s always a cheap way out!”
James nodded. “And I learned that all we really needed to do to get rid of Clay and Allison was threaten to get them married!”
“Idiots,” muttered Jesse. “What are we going to do? Get them drunk?”
“Dat could work,” said Meowth.
“I hope I get to be a bridesmaid!” squealed James.
Jesse and Meowth stared at him. “I thought you hated them more than we did,” said Meowth.
“But I still want to be a bridesmaid…”
“Maybe Jesse’ll let you be one of hers,” Meowth suggested.
“A wedding is a sacred union, Meowth,” Jesse snapped. “Which means no drag queens in the wedding party!”
James was starting to look like a kicked puppy over this announcement. “But Jesse,” he whined.
“Fine, James. You can be the maid of honor.”
“Ooo! What color are the dresses going to be?”
As Jesse looked at her partner, she suddenly had the impression that not only had he planned his dream wedding as a child, but he’d also given serious consideration to what kind of wedding gown he was going to wear.
“This is really pathetic…”
Clay and Allison looked up, both of them resembling Pictish warriors from the other’s bored handiwork. “I thought you swam to safety,” said Allison.
“I was going to take the Darwinism route,” Vaporeon admitted. “Then I remembered that you two can barely survive in civilization as it is…”
“That’s just because civilization doesn’t cater to our every need,” Clay complained.
“And your mothers would kill me if anything happened to you,” Vaporeon added. “Meaning the one of you whose mother it isn’t.”
“Yes, we’ve picked up on that,” Clay and Allison said in spiteful unison.
“I’m sure that’s just because your moms know that you two try to protect the other one in case of…” Vaporeon trailed off as she noticed the various and sundry insults that were scrawled on Clay and Allison’s skin and clothing. “I personally don’t know why anyone would want either one of you. Especially if you’re going to use language like that, Allison. Although it is very poetic.”
“Thanks. I got it from porn.”
“Oh god,” said Clay, twisting around to try to see how his clothing had been defaced that day.
Vaporeon helpfully began reading it for him. “’Open wide the gate of my virgin boy—‘“
“Dammit, Allison! Couldn’t you have at least quoted good porn?”
Meanwhile, in a mainland Poke-Center. “How did this happen?” gasped Nurse Joy. “Maybe you should see a real doctor…”
“Well, I was trying to stop an international band of pokemon poachers,” Brock began, trying to sound suave and failing.
“Some old lady shot him in the leg,” said Misty.
“I guess he wasn’t very good in bed,” added Ash, for once actually aware of a sexual situation.
Pikachu nodded sagely. “Pika pika.”
“Lies, all lies!” Brock protested, naturally turning bright red. “I’m…I’m a stud! She said so!”
“Why are you so depressed, Jesse?” Meowth asked later that night. “I figured you and da maid of honor would be picking out your china pattern…”
Jesse continued to glare at the wall. The cat would pay for that remark. She just wasn’t sure how…”Meowth, you obviously don’t know anything about planning a wedding.”
“You could ask Jessebelle for some tips!”
Jesse punched him on the head, knocking him halfway through the floor. “What?” asked Meowth. “Dat dumb bitch has probably already picked out her china pattern, her silver pattern, her glassware, and her groom.”
“We know she’s picked out a groom, you lame brain.”
“Yes, but at least you’ve got a willing maid of honor…Da groom’ll probably be none too pleased dat you’ve slept with da maid of honor longer dan any potential Mr. Jesse could ever put up with you, but a willing maid of honor none da less!”
Something occurred to Jesse. “Meowth, do we still have those costumes from the nidoran scheme?”
“Yes. For some reason we needed to keep dose momentos of an ironically named disaster.”
Jesse grinned evilly. “Do we know anyone rich, single, and desperate?”
“Other dan James?”
“Yes! James may be rich, but he doesn’t have any money!”
Meowth shook his head. “Brock’s only single and desperate. Still, we should be able to find someone…”
“What about Professor Oak?” James said from the doorway. “He owns half of Pallet. Besides, I’m sure he gets royalties from those training tapes and those Pokedexes.”
“So, if I divorce him, I’ll get half of that…and can probably carry off some of his rare pokemon too,” said Jesse, starting to laugh maniacally.
James scowled. “I don’t see why you’re such a catch, Jesse. You’re a well-known felon and you’re not exactly housewife material.”
“For your information, James, the man is a slut.”
“Yeah,” added Meowth. “If he’ll do a Muk, he’s probably willin’ to marry Jesse!”
Uh-oh! It sounds like Team Rocket has another nefarious scheme brewing! But will even the fact that Professor Oak is a ho be enough to take him away from Mrs. Ketcham? And where the hell did this little twist come from?