Disclaimer: Pikachu, Ash Ketchum, and all their friends and foes are the property of Nintendo, a company that I would never want to hurt, harm, or defame. Giovanni's special desk pillow is the property of at least three different hentai writers.
Rating: R. Well, duh. A few more mentions of Forbidden Unlawful Carnal Knowledge and the sexual references just keep getting less and less vague! Actually, all things considered, you should be glad it's not NC-17…just don't let your mom see you reading it, okay? And don't tell mine I wrote it.
Other: The Sweet Valley High Game is the best game ever. Especially when you make your father or grandfather play it.(My dad was Enid because her boyfriend looked like his high school pictures and my grandfather would usually choose Lila. I think I was Elizabeth…) Plus, it's everybody gets laid day! Even Pikachu gets laid! Huzzah! So if I've forgotten anyone who doesn't get laid, they'll look extra pathetic.
"Professor Oak?"
"Yes, Mrs. Ketcham?"
"I'm afraid I have some bad news."
"Bad news?" Professor Oak exclaimed. Since he'd spent the night in her bed, he was afraid what this type of bad news would be. "You're not pregnant again, are you?"
Mrs. Ketcham shook her head. "But Ash is coming home tomorrow…"
"Don't worry. I'm sure I can find an assignment for him."
"But, Professor Oak, we're running out of leagues!"
Professor Oak sighed. They were running out of leagues. The problem was, Ash kept getting badges without having to do any real work. If he wasn't so charming or whatever it was, his small collection of unevolved pokemon should have forced him to spend at least a day or two on each gym. With his pikachu, Professor Oak and Ash's mom had been hoping the boy would still be in Pewter City at the moment. "We could always find some people living nearby for him to bother," he suggested. "Or maybe Team Rocket will show up! They're always good at distracting your son!"
"I hope so," said Mrs. Ketcham. "They're such nice kids."
Professor Oak nodded. "They're like the daughters I never had!" he agreed.
Mrs. Ketcham stood up and put on her robe. "I should start baking cookies," she said. "Just in case they show up!"
"Why, that's an excellent idea! And I'll try to find a new distraction for Ash!"
In a nearby cabin, Team Rocket was busy mapping out their plan to get their grubby little hands on Professor Oak's money and pokemon. "But I don't want to be Elizabeth!" whined James.
"You can be Enid," Jesse offered.
"Enid's even worse!" James pouted. "How come you always get to be Jessica?"
"Because it's my name too."
"You don't even spell it right…"
Jesse whacked him with her scorecard. "I told you, it's a nickname and I'll spell it however I damn want!"
Meowth sighed. "Can we just play da damn game?" he asked. He was Lila.
The game in question was the Sweet Valley High game. For the unenlightened, the object was to collect all the cards your character of choice needed to go on her weekend activity, including her outfit, boy friend, chaperone and accessories, by going into various classrooms of Sweet Valley High. Jessica and Lila, fashionable girls that they were, had parties to go to. Elizabeth, Jessica's twin sister, was going biking. Enid, who was even worse than Elizabeth because she didn't even have a cute boyfriend, was at least going to the beach.
"But Bruce is so much cuter than Todd!" James continued to complain. He was of course talking about Elizabeth's steady boyfriend and not the pokemon paparazzi.
"Quit whining or I'll make you be Enid!" snapped Jesse. "Then your boyfriend will be Winston!"
James pouted, but silently took the Elizabeth playing piece and the blue scorecard.
"At least you're not Enid," said Meowth.
"And this is better than trying to catch pokemon in this humidity!" added Jesse.
James continued sulking. Even though Elizabeth was a perfect size 6-the series had been written back before anyone was a size 2, making the Wakefield twins cows by today's standards--like Jessica, she was the geeky one. It wasn't fair. He also wasn't too thrilled about the plan to acquire masses of pokemon. He kept waiting for Jesse to say that her plans for the honeymoon were to load up a suitcase full of pokeballs and whatever cash was on the premises and book it before Mrs. Jessica Oak's new husband could pop a single Viagra.
Jesse, meanwhile, was thinking of ways to get Professor Oak to make a commitment. The seduction part wouldn't be hard…in fact, it would probably be the easiest part of the plan. It would be the part of the plan where everything perfectly, just for the sole purpose of driving up their confidence and encouraging premature celebration so when the inevitable, horrible, ironic, crushing defeat arrived the next day it would feel even worse. Then, she hit upon the perfect solution: "We need to get Professor Oak drunk and to Celadon City!" she said. "That way, we'll get him to commit without him even knowing it!"
James sighed, "What about the game?" he asked. "You know that if we leave it here, Meowth will move the pieces around!"
"I won't be da only one," Meowth muttered.
"Besides, Jesse, where are we going to get enough liquor to make a man-whore like Professor Oak drunk enough to get married?"
Jesse thought for a moment. "What day is it?"
It was Friday, which was, by an astonishing coincidence, drinking night for Clay and Allison. Vaporeon naturally answered the door when Jesse and James knocked. She was, as usual, the designated non-idiot. "Yes?" she asked, sounding very tired.
"We need something that'll cause someone to take complete and total leave of his senses," said Jesse.
"So, what's on the binge drinker's menu for tonight?" asked James.
He, Jesse, and Meowth looked at Clay and Allison, who were playing the Twister drinking game. And since neither one of them could walk a straight line anymore, they were now doing penalty shots almost immediately after reaching to spin the spinner. It didn't help that the slowly dying brain cells that would normally have gone to things like balance were now being used to remember the words to "Super Trouper". It didn't seem to bother Clay and Allison that the song actually playing was "Wild, Wild West." They were past the point of letting petty details like that bother them. Vaporeon didn't look especially surprised as her teammates collapsed and began reaching for the large plastic cups and the vodka bottle. "If you want to get us anything for Christmas, I'd recommend shot glasses," she suggested. Her eyes widened as she noticed another bottle. "Have you two been doing soma again?"
"Was and will will make me ill, I take a gram and only am!" said Clay.
"Chasers!" snapped Allison.
"One cubic centimeter cures ten gloomy sentiments!" Allison shoved him aside without much remorse and grabbed the Kool-Aid pitcher.
"Soma?" asked Jesse and James.
"It's some wonder drug of the future. It makes them mellow as all hell, and they say it has no side effects," Vaporeon explained.
"How mellow?" asked Meowth.
Vaporeon turned to her teammates. "Clay, Allison's sleeping with someone who doesn't have a partner yet," she said. "And their names match."
"Is that so?" Clay replied. "Right foot..uhm…what color is that one again?"
"The round one," Allison said.
"And notice how Allison doesn't seem to care that I wasn't supposed to tell Clay about that. Their stash is under the couch. Take the soma too, or they'll be 'on vacation' for a month."
Jesse, James and Meowth all had to fight the urge to laugh maniacally. This would probably be enough to prove Professor Oak's undoing. "But Jesse," asked James as they started searching under the sofa for more booze,"how are we going to get Professor Oak to leave Pallet Town?"
"I have some wonderful news!" Professor Oak announced the next day.
"You found another league?" Mrs. Ketcham asked like the concerned parent she was. Concerned, that is, that her son would find out who she'd been keeping company with.
"No…I've won an all expenses paid trip to Celadon City, gambling capital of the world! And I don't even remember entering the contest!" He showed Mrs. Ketcham the announcement. "They're coming to pick me and a guest up this afternoon!"
"Oh, how wonderful!" Mrs. Ketcham exclaimed. "Now we don't even have to worry about finding another league for Ash!"
Professor Oak nodded grimly. "But we might have to someday…unless, of course, we could get him into Pokemon Tech…"
Mrs. Ketcham sadly shook her head. "I'm afraid not," she said with a sigh. "My Ash isn't too bright…"
As fate and irony would have it, a certain trio was already in Celadon City… "Celadon City showgirls," sighed Brock. He was already starting to drool at the thought.
"Are you guys sure there's a gym we haven't found around here?" asked Ash.
"Of course," said Misty. "We can go there right after we've gone shopping,"
"Seen the showgirls," added Brock.
"Hit the casinos," added Misty.
"Seen the showgirls!"
"And then we can look for that gym!" Misty promised. She and Brock exchanged an evil glance. Unless, of course, we think of another city to visit where there's a gym we haven't found, she thought. I wouldn't mind going back to the Big Orange…
Jessibelle decided that she had reached the low point of her life. She was depressed and lonely to the point where tying Hopkins up in the bathtub and beating him didn't cheer her up. Even the thought of going chastity belt shopping couldn't lift her spirits. She just wasn't interested in bondage anymore, and she'd been a closet dominatrix for the majority of her life. Now all she really wanted was a hug.
Sighing, she threw open her closet doors. There was only thing that would lighten her mood now: Prozac. Unfortunately, gentile Southern ladies didn't use Prozac. In the great tradition of Blanche DuBois, true belles used alcohol and gambling. After all, if James really cared about his trust fund, he wouldn't have left it unattended.
"Hi, Professor Oak! Hi, Mom!" Ash cheerfully shouted across the hotel lobby. "What are you doing in Celadon City?"
Ash's Mom and Professor Oak smiled nervously. "I'm visiting your aunt," Ash's mom lied.
"Well, I was just walking by and I thought I'd drop in," said Professor Oak.
Misty and Brock, meanwhile, kept their faces hidden and continued their underage gambling spree.
"Welcome to Celadon!" said a blue haired tour guide, appearing beside Mrs. Ketchum.
"Are you ready to see the sights?" asked a red headed tour guide, appearing beside Professor Oak.
"Hey, isn't that…" said Misty.
"Misty, if we say anything, they might mention to the casino owners that we're under eighteen," said Brock.
Misty nodded. "And I know we'll do the right thing."
"Right." That decision made, they decided it was time to move on in the hopes of finding luckier slot machines and headed towards the back.
"We'll see you later, Ash," said Professor Oak. "I think Gary's in town. Maybe you should go hang out with him…" He and Mrs. Ketchum eagerly fled.
"Gary's in Celadon City too?" asked Ash.
Misty and Brock started to move towards the door. They looked at each other and nodded. "I'm sure you two have tons to catch up on," said Brock.
"We'll meet up with you later," said Misty. "We just need to…take our winnings back to the room."
Ash looked into their casino cups. "But you didn't win anything," he said.
"Better safe than sorry, Ash," Brock replied. "After that I've got some stuff to take care of."
"Okay," said Ash. "What about you, Misty?"
"I've got some stuff to take care of too." Misty and Brock exchanged a brief, conspiratorial glance.
Ash was the sort who trusted his friends. He was also extremely naïve and oblivious. "Okay!" he agreed. "I can show Gary my new pokemon!"
"Ash, when was the last time you caught a pokemon?" asked Misty.
"Oh yeah…" Ash sighed. There had to be something he could show Gary…
"I've got a confession to make," said Vaporeon, deciding it was time to see if the soma had worn off. "I've been drugging your food in the attempt to have a Rocket hybrid." Clay and Allison stared at her, food halfway to their mouths. "And I still don't know why you're not pregnant yet!"
"Don't blame me, blame Clay's limp wristed sperm," said Allison. "And are you serious?"
"Yes."
"You've been drugging us to make us have sex? Because you want our children?"
Vaporeon nodded. Allison looked at her partner, who was about to continue eating. She swatted his spoon away. "Why aren't you upset about this?" she asked.
Clay shrugged. "Big Brother says that everyone belongs to everyone else, Al," he replied. He gave his Chicken and Stars soup a contemplative glance. "You know, I'm awfully glad I'm not a pokemon master…they work ever so much harder than we do…"
"Clay, she's been slipping us rare candy."
"So?"
"You're a gay man. I'm a woman."
"Oh, Allison, sexuality is such a 20th century concept. Besides, everyone belongs to everyone else!"
"Yes," said Allison, beginning to wonder if they had any soma left. "Clay, do you know where your little friend was the last time we ate?"
"He hasn't left has he?" Clay reached down. "Nope, still there!"
"Clay, your most prized possession was boldly going where…" Allison paused. "Well, a handful of others have gone before."
"A handful?" asked Vaporeon. "How big are your hands?"
"It's still mostly in single digits, thank you," Allison snapped. One single digit next to another single digit…
Clay's mind was starting to put two and two together. "You mean, the Sperminator…"
"I'm awfully glad I'm female," said Allison. "I just wouldn't be able to think up such a great name for my genitalia…"
"I feel so dirty," said Clay with a shudder. "Where's the Purell?"
"Your misogyny is quite impressive," said Vaporeon. "You're willing to rub Purell on an extremely sensitive organ, but the thought of coming into contact with Allison's-"
"At least I know where the Purell's been," said Clay. ]
Something occurred to Allison. "How much Purell do we have?" she asked.
"What's your problem?" Vaporeon asked.
"Do you know how many times you've made me have unprotected sex with him and his dick of a thousand asses?" Allison thought for a moment. "Or is that the other way around?"
As her teammates began searching for anything relatively non-toxic with the words "anti-bacterial" on it, Vaporeon shuddered. "Do they have sex education in the future?" she asked. "And I thought everyone belonged to everyone else."
"That's the problem," Clay and Allison muttered.
"Celadon City is so exciting!" said Mrs. Ketchum.
"It's the perfect spot for honeymooners!" said the blue haired tour guide.
Professor Oak and Mrs. Ketchum exchanged a glance and blushed. "We're…not married," said Professor Oak.
"Well, there's plenty of wedding chapels if you're interested!" said the red head.
"No, thank you!" Mrs. Ketchum said cheerfully. "I've already tried being married!"
Professor Oak looked at her. "You mean…but I thought some day we would…"
"Oh, Professor Oak, I always figured you were the bachelor type!" said Mrs. Ketchum. "Although you do have grandchildren…but let's not spoil our vacation with some silly argument!"
"Misty? Brock?" Ash entered the suite's bedroom. "What happened in here?"
"I…guess the maid never came," said Misty. Her hair was down and she was wearing a towel. Both beds looked as if they'd been slept in by a multitude of restless insomniacs. And I never will either if you don't get the hell out of here!
"Is Brock back yet?"
"No…why are you here again?"
Ash sighed. "I still can't think of anything to show Gary!" he whined.
Misty rolled her eyes and decided not to say what she was thinking. "Why do you have to show him anything?" she asked. "Can't you just say hi or something?"
"You girls just don't understand," Ash said with a scowl. "We're rivals. Rivals don't just say hi."
"Sorry, Ash."
"You used to hang out with him a lot…do you have any suggestions? I need something that will impress him…"
Misty suddenly remembered a few of those hot springs visits with painful clarity. "I think you're out of luck there, Ash. But, I will tell you this about Gary…he likes to play on both teams," she said, winking.
Ash stared blankly at her. "What kind of team?" he asked.
"He drives on both sides of the road," Misty said through clenched teeth.
"Isn't that kind of dangerous?"
Misty could feel her usually limited patience starting to wear thin. "He enjoys the company of men and women equally!" she screamed.
"Really?" said Ash, wrinkling his nose. "Girls can be okay, but sometimes…"
Misty would have punched him, but she probably would have lost her towel in the process. "He's bisexual!" she snapped.
"What does Gary have to do with your dumb bike?"
"I said bisexual, not bicycle! Not get out of here! I've got…things to take care of!" With that, Misty kicked him out the door.
"Altoid?" asked the blue haired tour guide.
"Why, yes, thank you!" said Professor Oak.
"We'll just go fix your honorary dinner," added the red headed tour guide.
They both quickly ducked into the back room and began filling the water glasses with vodka and the wine glasses with tequila. "This ought to take care of the horny old bastard," Jesse said as she stuffed soma tablets into the entrée. "Or it'll kill him…"
"Jesse," said James, "I've got another idea for a theme day…"
"James, I've already told you: no Braless Thursdays."
Meowth shuddered and began looking for a corner to vomit in.
James gave her a sly smile. "How about Cunnilingus Wednesdays?" he asked innocently.
Jesse blinked several times. "What's today?" she asked.
"Saturday!" Meowth snapped. "It's Saturday!"
"Go check on Professor Oak!" Jesse and James yelled at him.
"One of us could cook," said Clay as they stared down at their latest Vaporeon cooked meal.
"Forget it," said Allison. "I'd rather wake up naked and cum-covered than deal with your definition of edible."
"Now there was a mental image I could have lived without," Vaporeon muttered.
"Speaking of which," Allison continued, rubbing her still hung-over forehead. "I've got to go home and, uhm…it's Daddy's birthday and--"
"How are those two things related?" asked Vaporeon.
Allison sighed dramatically. "Well, when I was a little girl, we were very poor that the only thing we had to eat was-"
"Don't insult me, Al," Clay thankfully interrupted her. "I know when my sweet baboo's birthday is, and I knew you when you were a kid and you did not eat snow, rocks, roadkill, or anything else you were about to claim. So, is your secret sex toy in Team Rocket?"
"Of course. It's not like you meet decent guys in jail."
"Unlike you, Ms. High Standards, I was perfectly happy to be Big Luke's bitch."
"Sorry, Clay. Large Marge just didn't have what I was looking for."
"I told you, Al, look at a ruler. Eight inches is absurd."
"You know," Allison said, "the finest periodicals say that--"
"Cosmo is not the finest periodicals!"
Vaporeon sighed. "Why were you two in prison and when can they take you back?"
Allison pouted. "Well, there's only one thing that'll cheer me up now…"
Meowth re-entered and thankfully found out that Oral Sex Saturdays wasn't an official theme day, at least not yet. "People have to eat dat food," he said. "And no hickeys! We don't want dem getting suspicious!"
Jesse and James both pouted. "You're no fun," James complained.
"And what are you talking about?" asked Jesse. "We tripped…"
Meowth scowled. "Well, if we were all fun, we'd all be too busy screwing to get any work done!"
Jesse glared at him. "It's not like we get any work done now!" she snapped. "And since it's only a matter of time before we seriously injure ourselves, I say carpe scrotum!"
"Wha?" asked Meowth.
"Seize the--" James began to cheerfully translate.
"Dat's it! Get yer mini-skirted asses out dere with da drugged food, now! Dere'll be plenty of time for dat once we're rich! And even den you're still not allowed to!" As he followed them back to Professor Oak and Mrs. Ketchum, Meowth began to wonder if slipping Prozac and other anti-depressants into their food would do the trick…
"What's this?" asked Allison, looking at the note taped to the door.
"Well, dammit!" snapped Clay. "Now who are we going to torment?"
" 'Dear bitches,'" Allison read. "'We figured you'd be showing up to either leer at us or perform another god awful musical number. Screw you, and go find someone else to bug. We've got a sham wedding to plan! Rot in hell, Jesse, James, and Meowth.' A sham wedding?"
Clay gave her a friendly punch in the arm. "Aww, now you'll finally be able to remember their anniversary!"
Allison stared at him. "My parents aren't married, you retard."
"They're not?" asked Clay and Vaporeon.
"No…"
"Let me get this straight," said Clay. "Your parents have been living in sin since…uhm…most of their adult lives? And your dad's available? And you never told me?"
"He is not available," said Allison. "He and my mother are involved in a meaningful, life partner relationship with occasional lapses in monogamy."
Vaporeon reached up to pat Allison's hand. "No wonder you're so messed up," she said soothingly.
"Here you go!" the red headed tour guide said as she cheerfully placed a plate in front of Professor Oak.
"And we've got some fun activities for you too!" said the blue headed tour guide, leading Mrs. Ketchum to a nearby door.
"Oh, isn't this exciting, Professor Oak?" she said.
"If you'll just follow me to our…roommate/live in companion fun room," the blue haired tour guide said sweetly.
Professor Oak looked at the red headed tour guide for a moment. He then looked at the blue haired tour guide. "Uhm, miss…" he said to the red head. "You seem to..er..have some lipstick on your neck…"
"Oh!" said the red headed tour guide, starting to blush.
The smaller, feline tour guide looked up at her. "Yes, and by an astonishing, coincidence, I think I'm seen that color before…"
The blue haired quickly shoved Mrs. Ketchum into the roommate/live in companion fun room. Which was also know as a broom closet. "She" quickly locked the door, then wiped off the pale pink lipstick that was an exact match for the lipstick on the red head's neck.
Ash was now struggling to think of ways to accidentally bump into Gary. There didn't seem to be any competitions, so there was no hope of that. As Ash sat dejectedly on a park bench, he sighed. "Here I am in Celadon City," he said. "Romance capital of the world-"
"Chu?" asked Pikachu, raising an eyebrow. Even by rodent standards, casinos and cheap wedding chapels didn't sound very romantic.
"And I'm alone and I can't win any badges because Brock and Misty won't tell me where the Ultra Secret Mystery Gym is and it's not like I've accomplished anything that I can brag about to Gary!"
Pikachu jumped up to sit beside Ash. "Pika chu pika pika-pi!" he snapped.
"What's that Pikachu?" asked Ash. "You think that I should accept myself for who I am, and if that isn't enough for Gary to li-uhm, respect me, then he just sucks?"
"Chu!!" snapped Pikachu. ("No!")
"You're right!" Ash exclaimed. "I'm going to show him! Thanks, Pikachu! You're the greatest!"
Pikachu sat down on the homeless man who'd been sleeping on the bench beside Ash and sighed. What he'd actually been trying to tell Ash was that since Gary and Misty had once had something of a quasi-relationship, Ash's pathetic stirrings of male lust were probably going to get awkward. Especially with Gary's tact.
"Why shouldn't I be messed up?" Allison snapped. "I've been cheated out of the bi-curious partner everyone else has, my only female friend is some blue dog thing, and my parents are getting married to other people so I could very easily cease to exist!"
Clay snorted. "It didn't seem to matter that they weren't married before, bastard."
"Yeah, well at least my mom isn't cheating on my dad with your mom!" Allison snapped.
"Wait…" Clay thought about this for a moment. "That means your mom is cheating on your dad with my mom since my mom is cheating on my dad with your mom!" The meaning of this jumble slowly sank into Clay's mind. "My mom is sleeping with your mom?"
"Well, yeah. It was months ago though. I figured you would have noticed…since they both took business trips at the same time and my dad sulked for two weeks afterwards," Allison said.
"My parents have been living a lie!" Clay wailed, burying his face in his hands.
Allison shrugged. "You'll get used to it," she said. "After awhile, you learn to knock. Especially when Brad the pool boy's gone missing for a few days…"
"Quit your bitching," snapped Vaporeon. "My parents are test subjects."
Jesse adjusted her tour guide uniform for maximum impact. "How's dinner?" she asked sweetly.
"Fine and dandy," Professor Oak said, staring at the wall behind her with a dazed expression.
"Like rare candy!" added James.
Jesse quickly pulled her neckline back to its original place. "Did we give him any of that?" she hissed.
"No, it just rhymed," said James.
"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!" added Meowth.
They looked back at Professor Oak, who was now singing softly to himself. "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly deedly…"
"How much has he had?" asked Jesse.
"There they are a-standing in a row..bum, bum, bum…"
James glanced at the kitchen. Jesse and Meowth followed his gaze to an empty vodka bottle. "So, he should be dead by now," said Meowth.
"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head…"
"If he dies, we won't have to pay for a divorce!" Jesse gleefully exclaimed.
"Yeah, but he has ta live long enough ta get married!" Meowth reminded her.
"Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that's what the showman said!" Professor Oak triumphantly finished, raising his fork high in the air. He brought it back down and missed his mouth. "Ow!" His bad aim was a problem because in his drunken stupor the pokemon professor had forgotten to put any food on his fork before trying to eat with it.
"Can he even walk well enough to get to the chapel?" asked Jesse.
"Do they let you get married when you're this drunk?" asked James.
Meowth snorted. "James, a cheap and tawdry wedding chapel is much like a tattoo parlor. Drunken slobs who don't even know where dey are are half deir business."
Jesse pulled a phone book out of nowhere. "Let's find something before he passes out," she said. "He has to at least be able to talk…"