"Are you sure this is going to work?" asked James once they were at the Viva Las Celadon Elviserrific Wedding Chapel. He straightened his partner's veil and was just about to pull it over her face when he caught her eyes and froze.

"Did you really steal my underwear again?" Jesse asked softly. James nodded. She leaned forward and brushed her lips against his, more like a soft invitation than a kiss. He naturally accepted.

"Ya know," said Meowth, who had been stuffed into both the role and the dress of the flower girl, "It's bad luck to be caught making out with your maid of honor ten minutes before your wedding!"

"It's my special day," Jesse haughtily replied.

"Besides, I think dat stuff's starting to wear off on da groom," said Meowth.

"Give him some more," said James.

"We still have some last minute preparations to attend to," said Jesse. Since he's not supposed to be the one wearing 'something borrowed'…

Meowth sighed. "It's a Celadon wedding. Da priest is an Elvis impersonator. You could've worn Team Rocket uniforms and no one would have cared."

"Just go drug the groom!" snapped Jesse.

Meowth began to catch on to why more time needed to be bought. "You two have no respect for da sanctity of a sham marriage!" he screeched. He looked out the door. "Uhm, we have a problem…"

"What kind of problem?" asked Jesse.

Meowth looked again. "A red head in black leather pants kind of problem."

"Ooo! Let me see!" squealed James, leaning out the door. A vein started to throb on Jesse's forehead. Then James screamed and jumped into her arms, completely ruining her punching angle. "How did she find us?" he whined, throwing his arms around Jesse's neck.

"What?" snapped Jesse. She was getting so damn tired of being the man.

"Dat's Jessebelle?" asked Meowth.

"Yes," James said pitifully. Jesse was seriously considering dropping him, only she was afraid that might cause him to inadvertently strange her.

"Da one in da black leather?" James nodded. "And da big hair?"

Jesse dropped her partner, stepped over him, and leaned out the door. "What is she doing to my sham husband?"

"She seems to be dragging him in the slot machine direction," said Meowth.

"Don't let her get me!" James whimpered, hugging Jesse's knees.

"James, she just led Professor Oak off," said Meowth.

"Why does that dumb bitch always have to ruin my wedding plans?" Jesse said, snarling slightly.

"What other wedding plans has she ruined?"

"My plan to get James married for money!"

"You mean she's not after me?" asked James, pouting. "Why else would she be here?"

"Gambling and lap dances from da look of her clothes," said Meowth.

James started sulking. "So you want her to clamp you down and dominate you?" Jesse asked, sounding bitter.

"No. I just want her to try to," James replied.

"Allison?"

"Yes, Capone?"

"I'm man enough for you, aren't I?"

Allison smiled at him. "Well, you don't feel threatened by Clay…" she said. "And of course you're the best I've ever had." Except for a few vague, hazy memories from rare candy…and junior year at Pokemon Tech…god, I loved being a cheerleader… A different sort of smile started to spread across her face. "Come on. I read something in Cosmo other day that I'm dying to try…"

"Is sex all you think about?" asked Capone as she started kissing his neck. "Remember when we first got together, how we used to talk?"

Allison tried, but couldn't. Especially since they'd first gotten together in a Holodeck…"Well, yeah. Because we had so much to catch up on," said Allison. Must keep a straight face…must keep a straight face… "And I didn't want you to think less of me. I didn't want you to think I was the kind of girl who used her large…uhm, talents to cruelly exploit men…" Allison bit her lip in what she hoped looked like an angsty pose as opposed to a near futile attempt to keep from laughing. "Because I just hate girls like that and if anyone ever accused me of being that kind of girl…"

He took her hands and looked her in the eyes. "Allison, if anyone ever does, I'll kick their ass!"

"Oh, god, you're such a stud!" Allison lunged again, nearly knocking them both off the bed.

Capone was definitely starting to wonder if he should feel grateful or inadequate.

"You know," said Jessebelle, "Ah have always relied on the kindness of strangers."

"Oh," said Professor Oak. "Is that where you got the rope?"

"Be prepared is mah motto," the well mannered damsel replied as she tied his left ankle to the final bedpost, leaving the pokemon professor spread eagled on his hotel bed. She was already starting to feel better…

"I see," said Professor Oak. This was quite an experience. He'd slept with half the women he'd met, but none of them had tied them up. Being the player professor as well as the pokemon professor, he decided that he'd need to jot this experience down in his little black book, along with the other notes he'd taken. Just as soon as his hands were free…which hopefully wouldn't be anytime soon.

Jesse was not in a good mood. This was due to the fact that James was still distraught over being rejected by someone he was deathly afraid of. "Didn't you reject her first?" she snapped. The subtext of this question was essentially Dammit, everyone else is having a cheap tawdry affair… Jesse was choosing to ignore the fact that every other day she was off in a dark corner or a closet and that until this little incident there had been near constant attempts to get to the dark corner. Still, the fact that her sham groom had been abducted wasn't helping her pride. She popped several soma tablets and suddenly found herself not caring.

"Jesse," said James, starting to look nervous. He was also well aware of the fact that everyone else seemed to be getting some. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you…"

"You're really a woman?" gasped Meowth, who was also painfully aware of the fact that he was alone and unloved. "I knew it! It's just like dat movie…" He trailed off, visions of James turning out to be a beautiful human woman with a penchant for Meowths or at least frolicking buck naked around the chapel they were still sitting dejectedly in. Fortunately, it wasn't too hard to picture James either frolicking or with breasts.

"What movie?" asked James, killing Meowth's more than slightly twisted reverie.

Meowth sighed. "I wish Clay and Allison were here," he said. "Dey'd remember. And dey'd have Vaporeon, with her sleek, sexy, streamlined body, and…" Meowth started blushing. "And if she knew I was tellin' you guys dis, she'd probably take dat tail of hers and…uhm…I hafta go take care of a few things…"

"Is that so?" asked Jesse.

As he left, Meowth was torn: he could either accept the fact that there was no one to be found and amuse himself, or he could trek to Team Rocket headquarters in the hopes of finding something there. Meowth decided the trek would be worth it.

James looked at his partner who was currently staring blankly ahead. "Jesse, can you help me see if I'm really a woman like in that movie?" he asked innocently. Well, with as much innocence as a plea for being felt up could have.

"What movie?" asked Jesse. She was starting to sound a bit like Professor Ivy, the pot professor.

"I don't know…Boys Don't Get Shot in Nebraska or something. I bet Clay and Allison know," James said. Noticing that Jesse hadn't been screaming at him for wishing Jessebelle was still trying to ruin his life, James decided that he needed to do something drastic to get her attention. "I wish Clay were here instead of taking one for the team with Giovanni," he added with a sigh. "He's just so hunky…"

"Is that so?" Jesse asked.

James pouted. If she was going to be mad at him and practically refuse to talk, couldn't she just scream at him?

Meowth had finally made it back to Rocket headquarters and found to his dismay that the occupants of most rooms definitely didn't want anyone to come a knockin'. He sighed, suspecting with his usual paranoia that all the things he would find attractive within a 15 mile radius were probably all with persians. "Life just isn't fair…nothin' ever goes right for poor Meowth…" Still, it just didn't make sense. Normally, members of his team were the first ones to get some action.

"Eeeon?"("What's wrong?")

He turned to see Luneon. "How do you keep getting out?" he asked.

"Neeee," she explained. ("Psychic energy to my pokeball.") "Loooo?"("Where are Jesse and James?")

"If I know dem, Jesse's 'consoling' James since Jessebelle wasn't interested in him today."

"Lune?"("Consoling?")

Meowth shook his head in disgust. "I don't get you…For one thing, you went from being an eevee stolen from da lab in Celadon to Allison's starter pokemon, and either way you're supposedly over a decade old, so how come you don't know anything?"

Luneon managed to smirk at him. "Luneeeonn," she said. ("I'm both. Allison has a time machine.")

"What does…oh. So, you're saying she stole you, den gave you to herself?" Luneon nodded. "So you could be even older!" Dis is da James of eevees, Meowth said to himself.

"Neee neeeon."("No. Why would Allison give her young self an old eevee?")

"Whatever," Meowth muttered. "Do you know where Vaporeon is?"

"Nee," Luneon said quickly. ("No.") She looked at the floor, trying to think of a way to get out of this potentially awkward situation.

"Aren't you always following her around?"

"Neeooonnn," Luneon replied. ("She doesn't like me.") She noticed the look Meowth was giving her and added, "Luneon on."("You'd better not be mean to me or I'll tell Allison and she doesn't like you.")

The cat blinked several times. "She doesn't?" He wasn't quite sure why this bothered or surprised him.

Luneon shook her head. "Neee."("She's always been afraid of you.")

Meowth looked carefully at the other pokemon. "Always?" he asked. "In da childhood trauma sense?" Luneon continued to avoid looking at him. She had a feeling she'd said something that was going to get her in trouble. "But I didn't even meet her until now! How would I…" Things were very slowly starting to add up in Meowth's head. "Me specifically?" he asked. "Or just meowths in general?"

"Neeon."("Persians.")

"Oh, den…nevermind." Meowth was now seriously starting to suspect that Luneon had been used as a test subject.

James was now poking Jesse in the arm to see if that at least would get her to swat at him. She continued to smile peacefully. He decided it was time to try drastic measures. Fortunately, the short lavender "bridesmaid's dress" made such measures much easier. "Jesse, do you want your thong back?" he asked. He stood in front of her and started to hike up his skirt.

The Elvis clad preacher lowered his sunglasses to watch this scene from the next room. "Thank you, thank you very much," he muttered to himself. The skirt went up a little further and the Elvis impersonator paled.

"Jes-see!" whined James. "Aren't you going to yell at me?"

Jesse looked up. "James…"

"Yes, Jesse?"

"Let's go back to the hotel. I've got to teach you a lesson."

"Yay!"

As they scampered out, the Elvis impersonator gave them an odd look. "What's your problem?" Jesse snapped.

"My problem?" he replied. "What's her problem?" he asked, pointing to James.

"What's wrong with you, loser?" asked Gary.

Ash was slowly rocking back and forth outside of Team Rocket headquarters. "Giovanni's my dad and I just saw something really weird and it's like Tracey's dirty pictures only worse and I don't know where Pikachu is but uhm…" Ash suddenly realized that his goal was to get Gary to respect him, not find out how near dementia he really was. "Have you seen my Orange Island badges? I've already got my sea ruby badge!"

Gary snorted. "Please! The Orange League is for pathetic wimps who can't cut it in a real league. And I've already gotten all of their badges."

Ash looked up, realizing there was no annoying chant to follow this accomplishment. "Really? Wow! Hey, where did your cheerleaders go?"

Gary shrugged. "They said they had things to take care of."

Elsewhere, in yet another unrelated plot line that could conceivably become extremely important much later, a fan fiction writer had been awake for far too long. As she squinted at the computer screen that now seemed to be a random jumble of letters-half of which didn't even spell real words-she decided it was time for a Reawor break. It may have been 4 AM, but that's what videotape was for, nevermind the fact that the Reawor Xmas special had been on around that time. She quickly fast forwarded through Adam and his cruddy exposition. When she pushed play, two figures in grey pinstriped suits were talking. "Dammit, Carl and Alexandra, shut up," the bitter little writer muttered, wondering if she should just wait it out until the decent members of Team Mafia appeared. "First Sailor Moon stops having plot lines about the cool Sailors and now this…"

"We've got something to tell you, Valerie," Alexandra was telling their magical talking goldfish.

"We're not from around here," added Carl.

Cheesy music began playing. "Why talk when you can sing?" the writer muttered. "Do you two ever shut up?" Carl and Alexandra began to sing a happy song about being from the distant future. The writer smiled an evil smile. "Shylock, I just got a brilliant idea…Carl, Alexandra, and that fat bastard Timothy!"

Shylock yawned. "Perrrrow."("Get some sleep, you hack.")

"But Gary, I thought you were in Celadon," said Ash.

Gary shrugged. "I got bored. And my cheerleaders won't come out of the hotel room…so I figured I'd go for a walk."

Ash was starting to wish his geography was a bit better so he could tell if this was actually possible. "It must have been an awfully long walk," he said.

Gary smirked at him. "You know, Ash, maybe if you ask nicely enough I'll show you the real way to catch a pokemon!"

"Really?" asked Ash. "I mean…I don't need your help!"

Gary sighed. "Wow, Ashy-boy, you're even dumber than I thought…"

Ash's fists clenched. "I already know how to catch a pokemon, Gary Oak! I've caught…uhm…a lot! And I bet I could learn your stupid method anyway!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah! Teach me!"

Gary was suddenly very glad he'd given his cheerleaders the day off again…

"Well, it was a stupid plan anyway," Jesse muttered as they entered their hotel room. "Especially since it's all your fault that it went wrong!"

"My fault?" asked James. "How is it my fault?"

"Your stupid girlfriend stole my groom!" Jesse snapped. As she started to remember this, all thoughts of how the hotel sheets were far too orderly and in need of being wrinkled left her head.

"She's not my girlfriend," James said, pouting. "She's just my fiancee!"

Jesse sighed. "Only in your family could you have a fiancee who's not your girlfriend!"

"Don't remind me…"

Meowth had decided that it was time to give up and turn to the lonely person's source for love: the internet. But none of that chatroom crap. If he wanted to talk dirty to some perverted middle aged man, he could just talk to Giovanni. Meowth sighed. Actually, he did want to talk dirty to Giovanni…if only his trainer knew how he really felt. Although if his trainer knew how he really felt, he'd probably be even more distant than he already was. Though you never could tell with perverts.

Thoughts of Giovanni told Meowth that there was only one thing that could console him now: Team Mafia yuri. He happily went to one of his favorite sites and began skimming past the usual fare. "Jeremy and Adam, Jeremy and Bobby, Jeremy and da Godfather consensual, Jeremy and da Godfather non-consensual, Jeremy and all da male characters, Jeremy and Adam and Bobby, Jeremy and Bobby who's in Team Mafia not Adam's blind friend…" Meowth paused. "I never realized how confusing dat is before…Adam and Garth, Adam and Bobby, Adam and da Godfather…ooo! Jane and Cindy…" Meowth clicked the link and happily began reading.

Giovanni leaned back in his chair, thinking over the events of the day. Exciting as a willing participant had been, he wished he'd chosen one who didn't compare him to a woman the willing participant claimed he wasn't sleeping with unless mind-altering drugs were involved. Although that was just bizarre and sick enough to be the kind of thing Giovanni enjoyed. Because he had needs, dammit! And at the moment, he needed to watch something nice and steamy. He smiled an evil smile. "Clay," he said, "how badly do you want that phone message?"

"Badly enough to sleep with James!" Clay eagerly said.

Giovanni thought for a moment. No, that idea didn't appeal to him. He personally didn't think Clay and James would look all that good together. James and Butch, on the other hand, was a completely different story. Giovanni's overactive loins informed him that that sounded like a wonderful idea and he'd have to use it the next time the two men were out of money. "What if I surprise you?"

"With a man, right?"

"Of course." Since Allison said she wouldn't be back for awhile… There was something about those two that appealed to Giovanni. It was probably just the joy of the morning afters, when their eyes would open and hope appeared as each one thought that he or she had finally, finally had a legitimate affair. Then they'd look up and scream. Besides, knowing what he knew, Giovanni felt it was almost his civic duty to get them in bed together…

"Sure!" Clay happily agreed. I'm going to have sex with another man, I'm going to have sex with another man! he chanted to himself.

"Gary," said Ash, once they were in an abandoned toolshed. "What does this have to do with catching pokemon?"

"Ash, who has the most pokemon?"

"You."

"Who's destined for a life of greatness and who will probably end up rotting in Pallet Town?"

"Uhm…"

"You. At least for the second one. Of course, if you want me to stop…"

"Well, if this'll help me be the best pokemon master in the world…"

Despite managing to fondle various parts of Ash's anatomy, Gary was still feeling a bit frustrated. For one thing, if Ash didn't catch on soon, he might actually have to explain in detail what was occurring. Which was, now that he thought about it, an intriguing possibility…

"Come on, pick up!" Meowth hissed at the phone.

"Hello, Clay and Allison aren't here and I'm busy," said Vaporeon.

"Hey, Pory," said Meowth in his suavest voice. "It's me, your love kitten…"

"Meowth, I've had it. You only talk to me when you want something. And we all…know what that something is." For some reason, Vaporeon seemed to be breathing heavily. She was also leaning on the video phone console and seemed to be standing on her hind legs longer than she normally did.

Meowth did his best to look sad and hurt. "But, Pory, it's the highest expression of love!"

"No, it's the highest expression of your-oh!-need to procreate."

"You okay?" Meowth asked with a raised eyebrow. "Dere's no persians dere, are dere?"

Vaporeon rolled her eyes. "Yes, Meowth. Mr. Kitty is orally pleasuring me as we…speak."

"I knew it!" Meowth screeched. "I knew your sick lust for persians would lead to nothing good! You harlot!"

Her eyes narrowed. "And what about your human fetish?"

"Dat's…dat's different…"

"I knew it!" Vaporeon screamed at him. "That's why you always wanted to make love to me from behind!"

"I thought it was because we're pokemon…" Meowth said in a small voice.

"You wanted to pretend I was Giovanni!"

"How could I pretend you're Giovanni! You've got a great big, blue tail!" Realizing that this wasn't the best way to plead his case, Meowth quickly added, "And because I love you?"

"Who do you love more, Meowth?"

"Don't make me choose!"

Vaporeon looked away. "Pika-pika," said a muffled voice from off screen.

"Pikachu says you don't deserve me," said Vaporeon.

"What's da Pikachu doing dere?" Meowth asked suspiciously.

"I…captured him for you," said Vaporeon, looking as hurt as she could, all things and positions considered. "But now…"

Meowth's eyes began to fill with tears. "Dat's da nicest thing anyone's ever done for me! I'm sorry, Vaporeon! We can rebuild, can't we? Let's talk about our problems like civilized adults."

"I'll meet you there in…half an hour," said Vaporeon.

After she hung up, Meowth began to wonder if Pikachu had been captured, why didn't she want to show a bound and gagged electric mouse to him? And why did it…the pieces slowly began to come together for Meowth. "While da cat's away," he muttered. "But I think I know a way to beat her at her own game…"

Butch was in a very good mood. He'd smoked a pack of cigarettes, had sex, smoked three cigarettes after having sex, and now this. Things were going quite well for him. He whistled to himself as he walked down the hallway. Getting that call and being told to come over as soon as he could would probably lead him to the most fun he'd have all day…

"You sick bastard!" screamed Clay. "Is this a joke?"

Giovanni only smirked at him. "Do you want that phone message or not?"

Clay sighed and looked back at who Giovanni had summoned. "Uhm…did it sound important?" he asked.

"I suppose."

"How important?"

"Oh, Allison made it seem very urgent."

Clay bit his lip. "So…I can have her kill me for ignoring her phone messages or have her treat me like a moral leper…"

Giovanni tried to stroke Clay's hair in a condescending manner, but quickly withdrew his hand for fear of injury or taint. "Who says you have to tell her?"

Yeah, right. I do it with a guy after this last dry spell and not tell Allison? What else do I have to lord over her? Decent pokemon? No. High self-esteem? No. Nice hair? No… "Isn't there someone else?" he asked in a half whine, giving Mondo another disparaging glance.

"I don't think Butch is doing anything this-"

"Mondo! On the desk! Let the Dance of Shame begin!"

Something just wasn't right. Jesse and James were alone, in a hotel room, James was in drag, and nothing gratuitous was happening. Probably because now that Jesse's soma haze had worn off she was starting to remember why she'd taken it in the first place. "It is such a shame," she said bitterly. "I mean, if Jessebelle had gone after you like you wanted, I would still have Professor Oak to fake a wedding with and we could both be rich!"

James did his best to look meek and remorseful. It wasn't too hard since he hated having Jesse this mad at him. Whenever they fought like this, everything seemed to be out of synch. Their plans didn't work and nothing seemed to go right. It was just like a normal day only they weren't on speaking terms. "Would it make you feel better if you hit me?"

She glared at him, then hit him with her veil. "You'd probably like it, you sick little…" It occurred to Jesse that she'd hit him anyway. She slapped him upside the head for tricking her.

Butch leaned suavely against the doorway, grinning and leering at the same time. "I'm here," he said.

"Good," Cassidy snapped. She was currently wearing only a towel and a shower cap. She'd managed to cram her hair in it, but it was still trying to stick out at odd angles anyway. "There's a spider in the bathtub. Kill it."

Meowth wasn't quite sure he wanted to do this, but he did need revenge. Even though he'd probably hate himself for screwing up the one relationship that hadn't ended in persians. At least not yet…

"Neee on?" barked an impatient lavender pokemon.("You again?")

"You know, has anyone every told you dat you're da best eevee evolution of dem all?" Meowth asked.

"Nee."("Yes.")

Meowth sighed. This was going to be difficult…he'd never seemed to have much success with pokemon who had doting to the point of obsession trainers. "You know, I believe I was just in your home town...and now dat I've seen you and da city of your birth, I must say dat your beauty outshines even da sequined showgoils!"

"Neee?"("Meowth?")

"Yes?"

"Neeeon luneee."("I know you think I'm stupid, but that's the worst pick-up line I've ever heard.")

Meowth decided that Luneon was, despite being the James of pokemon or perhaps because of it, a fine lady who wouldn't be swayed by showy words. He fell to his knees and pleaded, "Please help me get back at Vaporeon! She's having an affair with Pikachu!"

Luneon's eyes widened. "Onnn?" she asked.("Really?") Meowth nodded bitterly. "Eee looo…"("I wonder if it's true what they say about pikachus…")

As Luneon's eyes started to glaze over, the cat pokemon suddenly found himself wishing he knew what they said about pikachus.

Butch leered at his partner. "Hey, Cassie, you know what killing spiders makes me think of?"

Cassidy sighed. "I can't imagine, Butch. Is it dead?"

"Yup. Killed by your great big, sexy stud muffin!" Butch sighed as he realized his declaration of sexy stud muffinliness had been given to the closed and locked bathroom door.

"Jesse, don't be mad," James pleaded.

"I'm not mad at you, James."

"Really?" James brightened. He readied himself for the standard "end of bitter fighting" hug. "I'm glad you're-"

"I'm pissed off!"

"Oh."

Finding Luneon to be a revenge sex dead-end, Meowth was now thinking deep thoughts, most of them involving petty revenge. "Hmmm…my enemy should be my on again, off again girlfriend's enemy too…so all I have to do is sleep with my enemy!" Meowth concluded before happily scampering off.

"Dammit, Mondo! Put some feeling into it!" Clay snapped. "You have to feel the silent rhythm of the dance!

Mondo frowned. "You didn't care if James felt the silent rhythm of the dance," he said in a small voice.

"That's because James has such a great body that thinking about his hair makes me hard," Clay callously replied.

Mondo smirked. "James does have such nice hair," he said. "It's no wonder you're jealous…"

"I'm not jealous, you little brat! There's nothing wrong with my hair!" Clay turned to Giovanni, a pleading look in his big, brown eyes. "You like my hair, don't you, Gio?"

It's like Cassidy's only far more nightmarish and inexplicable Giovanni thought. Aloud he said, "It's wonderful. Can you two get on with it?"

"I'm sorry, Jesse," James said sniffling loudly.

Jesse glanced over him. He was probably crying just to manipulate her-not that it would work. Or he was just crying because his two main emotional states were giddy and weepy, with varying stages of either. She stood up, deciding that despite the fact that he was apologizing, she was still going to have to be the one to make a grand noble gesture. "Let's go get something to eat," she snapped.

Cassidy was starting to wish she had a radio in the shower. "Cassidy," Butch called from outside, "you accidentally locked the door…"

As she washed her hair, Cassidy decided that this was the last time she dated a man…well, unless it was James. He wasn't as cute as Butch, but he was definitely androgynous enough to suit her purposes.

Outside the bathroom door, Butch decided that it was time to try a new tactic. "Can you at least tell me what you're doing?" he asked.

"Fingering myself while I fantasize about Jesse's mom. Now go away!"

"Can I watch?"

"No!"

"But Jesse, don't we need money for food?" asked James.

"Not if we leave without paying," his partner replied. "Do you want to quit Team Rocket?" she suddenly asked.

James thought about this for a moment. "Why? We get free room and board at headquarters, and any other employer would have fired us six months ago. And we're practically celebrities!"

"The notorious Team Rocket!" added Jesse. They posed triumphantly.

"Why did you ask?"

Jesse shrugged. "Well, since the sexual harassment policy keeps getting stricter…the Boss could technically sue you for that…fund raising project."

"We could probably settle out of court." James grinned. "Especially since he told me I'm the best he's ever had!"

Jesse barely resisted the urge to smack him.

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