Disclaimer: Through a lucrative business deal, I am now the owner of Hitmonlee, the Kicking Fiend. Other than that, I own nothing.

Rating: Why, PG-13 again! One of the morals of the story is that “Ash Ketchum is a filthy whore.”

Etc.: Remember all of those juicy facts we learned in the last episode? Well, you don’t get any more details. Sorry, kids. All complaints, compliments, or royalties for the use of Hitmonlee, the Kicking Fiend should be sent to Zelda, c/o lovely_zelda@hotmail.com

After a long, tedious search, Ash had a painful and embarrassing epiphany. "Hey! There's no such thing as the Middle of Nowhere Gym!"

"Duh," said Misty.

Brock took the map from Ash, trying to keep a straight face. "The next town is--"

"We're going back to Pallet Town," said Ash bitterly.

"Pallet Town?" asked Misty. "Why would we want to go there?"

"Do they even have a Pokécenter?" Brock asked.

Ash didn't answer right away. The magic had gone out of his Pokémon journey. Several nights ago, Brock had spent hours talking to James about girls and Misty and Jesse had given Pikachu a make-over. The catalyst, a naked picture of Jesse that Todd had taken for Ash, had been stolen by James. The whole thing had taught Ash a valuable lesson: his friends got along a bit too well with Team Rocket, especially Pikachu, and Team Rocket was willing to steal more than just Pokémon. As if learning the grisly details of Jesse and James' relationship hadn't been bad enough, two days ago the yellow traitor that was Pikachu had nearly gone with Team Rocket, who were for some reason Jesse and Cassidy when the day before it'd been Jesse with Butch and James with Cassidy. Pikachu had been willing to leave Ash for ketchup and girl Pikachus, but had decided to stay with Ash after Jesse had said that she wouldn't leave her idiot best friend for food and babes. Ash still felt insulted by the comparison. He also had the sinking feeling that Jesse would probably be tempted by something a bit more substantial than ketchup. But how could he explain all of this to Brock and Misty? Brock had been the one to hand Pikachu over to Team Rocket in the first place! "I'm homesick," Ash finally said.

Brock and Misty had utterly no comprehension of the term "homesick." They gave him a blank look.

"And I want to show Professor Oak my Pokémon," Ash continued.

"Ok," Brock agreed. "But how are we going to get there?"

"Ummm..."

"So where'd we land this time?" asked James, sitting up in his sleeping bag. They'd gone to sleep the night before without checking their location.

"And why doesn't it have any buildings?" added Meowth.

"Is it that awful forest again?" Jesse asked with a yawn.

"No, there's some buildings," said James.

"Yeah, maybe four of 'em," Meowth muttered.

After dressing and breakfast, Jesse investigated a nearby road sign. "We're in Pallet Town," she said unhappily.

"Where?" James asked, looking over her shoulder.

"A piddly little nothing town where Professor Oak lives," explained Meowth.

"Professor Oak?" asked Jesse. "He must have thousands of rare Pokémon!"

"Just waiting for us to take them!" added James.

Meowth soon found himself climbing through a window. "Are you sure about dis?"

"Meowth, we're masters of subtlety," Jesse said, laughing confidently. "No one will ever know we were here!"

Suddenly, the lights were turned on. "Oh, hello!" said Professor Oak. "Was the front door locked?"

James looked questioningly at Jesse. This was completely unexpected.

"Prepare for trouble," said Jesse.

"Make it double," James added.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Professor Oak.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Meowth.

"Is there food?" asked James.

As Professor Oak led them down the hall, Jesse sighed to herself. "Do you two ever stop eating?"

Meowth eyed Professor Oak's Krabby and licked his lips. "Mmm...seafood..."

Ash entered Professor Oak's lab. He'd finally remembered that he had a Pidgeotto which could fly them to Pallet Town. Brock and Misty followed with expressions of awe and wonder on their faces. "Professor Oak?" Ash called, opening a door. "Professor Oak! Team Rocket's stealing your tea!"

Team Rocket glared at him. "Don't worry, Ash, I invited them!" Professor Oak reassured him.

Meowth stuffed another handful of cucumber sandwiches into his mouth. "Dis is great!"

"But...they steal Pokémon and...they're evil!" whined Ash.

Brock and Misty sat down at the table. "I'm sure Professor Oak knows what he's doing," said Misty.

"But..."

Professor Oak laughed. "It's all right, Ash. After all, I used to be a member of Team Rocket!"

Jesse and James spit out their tea in unison while Meowth started choking. "What?" gasped Ash, now completely disillusioned.

"Uh-oh, Zubat got burnt," said Brock. "I'd better take him to the--"

Misty pushed Brock back down to a sitting position. "Zubat's fine."

Professor Oak got a dreamy smile on his face. "I remember it like it was yesterday..."

*A younger Professor Oak with slicked back green hair and a standard Team Rocket uniform stood pressed against a wall next to his partner. Sirens could be heard in the background. "I can't believe our plan didn't work!" whined the younger Professor Oak. Before his partner could reply, Officer Jenny appeared. "Freeze! You're under arrest for attempted Pokémon snatching!" They started running. "Hurry up, Oakly!" Professor Oak tripped and fell. "Annie, I don't think I can make it..." He stretched out his hand, reaching for her, but it was too late...*

"...and after my rehabilitation I graduated from Pokemon Tech and devoted my life to the study of Pokemon," finished Professor Oak. "But I never saw Annie again. She was the only woman I ever loved..."

Krabby rubbed its eyes with its claw. "Bee," it whimpered.

"Why does Officer Jenny have to be so cruel?" asked Ash, blinking back tears.

"Nurse Joy would never stand in the way of true love!" Brock added, crying buckets.

Meowth sniffled loudly. "Dat's so sad," he said.

Jesse nodded, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. "It's almost as sad as the time James died!"

Misty resisted the urge to strangle everyone in the room. "James isn't dead, and Professor Oak, aren't you a grandfather?"

"Oh yes!" said Professor Oak. "I guess I did love another woman...but not as much as Annie."

Ash found himself perking up. "Hey, I'll bet Gary doesn't know you were in Team Rocket!"

"Well, Ash, Gary is my grandson," said Professor Oak. "He's probably heard the story before."

James squirmed slightly. He didn't like the way Jesse was looking at him. The last time she'd looked at him like that he'd been dragged back home, kicking and gagged. Of course, there could be a few side benefits to being a renowned Pokémon expert...

*James was seated at his desk when his red headed aide approached him. Her lab coat seemed a bit short, but he didn't mind. "Oh, Professor," she breathed, "I've been looking over your Pokédex, and I think you deserve a TM..." She sat down in his lap and moved her face very close to his. "How does 'Lovely Kiss' sound?"

"Teach it to me," he murmured....*

Jesse's eyes narrowed. James had an expression on his face that made her positive that he wasn't thinking about either money or work. She elbowed him in the ribs.

As James was cruelly brought back to the real world, Ash asked the semi-rhetorical question, "What's the deal with Team Rocket partners?"

"Ash, you're older now," began Brock, "Old enough to understand that--"

"Aughh! Not again!" screamed Ash, covering his ears.

"A man has certain needs," Brock continued.

"Yeah, food and pantyhose," muttered Jesse.

"I have manly needs!" whined James.

Professor Oak found himself drifting off towards another flashback. "I used to fight with Annie all the time..."

Jesse's eyes began to waver again. "We have to find someway to get them back together!" she whispered to her partner.

"I don't know if I'm manly enough to help you."

"James..."

He sighed. "All right." He pulled out a yellow legal pad and a pen. "What did Annie look like?" he asked Professor Oak.

"Let's see...her hair did this weird thing....I'm not really sure how to describe it..."

"Uh-huh..."

"And she always wore these big, ugly earrings..."

"Uh-huh..."

"And she had a nasty temper."

James nodded. "Got it," he said, smiling.

Jesse looked at what he had written: "Any woman in Team Rocket." She snatched the legal pad and hit him over the head with it.

"One day she said I was like a big sister to her," Professor Oak said dreamily.

Ash shook his head. "I still don't get it..."

"Think about it, Ash," said Misty. "Two people with limited social skills--"

"Hey!" exclaimed Jesse and James.

"--spending every moment of the day alone together? Come on!"

"Well, I spend every moment of my days with you, Brock, and Pikachu," said Ash, "but I don't...you know..."

"That reminds me," Brock said, "I need to try out the Team Rocket Babe Magnet Method on Nurse Joy!" At the mention of the Team Rocket Babe Magnet Method, Jesse gave James another good blow to the head.

"There's no Pokecenter here," said Ash. "There's just my mom."

Brock's face lit up. "Your mom is Nurse Joy?" he asked. "Will we be staying at your house?"

"You leave my mom alone," snapped Ash.

While Brock went to "take care of some stuff," Ash and Misty walked towards Ash's house. "Does your mother know we're coming?" asked Misty.

Ash shook his head. "She won't mind."

They walked in silence for a moment. Then Misty asked, "Ash, can I tell you a secret?"

Ash smirked. He could guess what it was. Ever since the day Misty had come after him for her bike, he'd known that she had a secret crush on a certain somebody.

"I think I like Brock," Misty announced.

"I kn--what?" choked Ash, utterly stunned. "Like him like him?"

Misty nodded. "You won't tell him, will you?"

"No...of course not," Ash said, feeling a little disappointed.

Thinking that he was laughing at her, Misty snapped, "It's better than your crush on Jesse!"

Ash turned bright red. "I don't have a crush on Jesse!"

"What about that picture?"

Meanwhile, at the Viridian City Pokecenter…

"Can I help you?" asked Nurse Joy.

"Yes," said Brock. "I was wondering if you needed an intern." ***

"Aren't you one of the Cerulean City Gym Leaders?" asked Ash's mom.

Misty nodded. "My sisters do most of it, but I'm a certified Gym Leader."

Ash glared at her as he continued to shovel rice into his mouth. His mother seemed to be a bit fond of Misty. Before he could brag to her about all the badges he'd earned, there was a knock at the door. It was Brock.

"I don't understand it!" he said, plopping down at the table. "Hello, Mrs. Ketchum. I did exactly what James told me to do, and it didn't work!"

"What happened?" asked Ash. Misty was staring at her rice.

"A really sick Pokémon came in, so I pretended to be scared and...well, she slapped me!" said Brock. "Then she told me she was going to warn her entire family about me!" He gave Ash's mom a suave smile. "Which means I'm available..."

Ash's Mom smiled in her usual, maternal way. "Aren't you that Gym Leader from Pewter City?" she asked. Brock nodded, blushing furiously. "I've heard that you really suck!"

"Mom!" groaned Ash.

"It's really not his fault," said Misty. "Most of the people who fight Brock have only their starting Pokemon, so two out of three people have either a water Pokémon or a plant Pokémon, and rock Pokémon are weak against both of those."

"A starting Pokémon also gets a lot of training early on because it's the only Pokémon its owner has to fight with," Brock added.

Ash buried his face in his hands. They were at his house talking to his mother, and he was the one being ignored...

Professor Oak offered Team Rocket a place to spend the night, which they eagerly accepted. Despite the fact that she had real bed for the first time in months, Jesse couldn't sleep. No one else seemed to have that problem. Meowth was curled up at her feet, snoring slightly. She wasn't quite sure if James was asleep, but he seemed too quiet to be awake.

She sighed and continued to stare at the ceiling. She couldn't believe that Professor Oak's former partner had never tried to rescue or even find him. Sure, she'd been willing to dump James for cash before, but the plan had always been to make a break for it together once he had the money. Sure she'd even thought about evolving Growlie into an Arcanine and giving him to the Boss. But actually leaving him... Jesse didn't think she could run faster than he could for one thing. She sighed again. As much as she hated to admit it, if James was arrested and she escaped, she'd probably turn herself in so they could dig out of prison together.

"Jesse?"

She sat up slightly, leaning on one elbow. "You can't sleep either?"

"No."

"I can't stop thinking about--"

"--Annie and Oakly." He sighed. "Do you think we could end up like that?"

Jesse laughed. "Of course not!" she assured him with standard Team Rocket haughtiness. "We're unstoppable!"

They clasped hands and were leaning across the space between the beds with obvious intent, when, of course, Meowth intervened with, "Wonderful. You're going to be together forever. Now will you two shut up so I can get some sleep?" Balance and mood completely shredded, both Jesse and James fell out of bed.

"Well, maybe not unstoppable, " Jesse amended as they stood up. She turned back to her bed and found Meowth lying in the exact center of it. "I hate cats."

"If you'd waited until morning for your little rendez-vous, you wouldn't be in dis mess," Meowth muttered. "I ain't movin'."

She turned to James. "Get out or scoot over," she said. He rolled over, moving towards the wall. As she climbed in, she wondered why she'd been so worried. How could they ever be separated? They even fell out of bed in unison...

Ash was also lying awake. His Pokémon didn't respect him, his mentor was a former member of Team Rocket, his mom liked his friends more than she liked him, Misty had a crush on Brock, and he just knew that his journey to be a Pokémon master was going to be interrupted because Jesse and James would want to find Professor Oak's long lost partner and of course Misty and Brock would want to help them. Ash hoped that maybe Jesse and James would get split up while on this wild goose chase. That would make his life a bit easier.

It didn't make any sense. Somehow, ever since he'd arrived in Viridian City with his injured Pikachu, he'd had nothing but double trouble. He was now afraid to even go into public bathrooms for the fear that at least James would be there.

Inspiration struck him. What if he found a way to separate Team Rocket? Then they'd be half as effective! Well, one third as effective since he tended to count Meowth as a member. Ash very quickly decided that he was going to lock James in a closet somewhere. Sure, Jesse by herself might be able to steal Pikachu, but maybe without James...not that he thought she was cute.

He didn't feel very guilty about his wicked thoughts. He assumed that they'd be happier apart. He'd never believed all that crap Misty kept gushing about. When they'd first met Jesse and James, they'd been somewhat intimidating, dull, and completely unattached. Now they were a normal part of his day and a bit grabby, but they still bored the hell out of him and the grabbiness was probably just because they were a bit..."special." Wouldn't two people who bickered constantly and smacked each other around(Jesse and Meowth did most of the smacking, but still...)be thrilled to get away from each other? Part of the reason why he didn't feel guilty because he didn't think his plan was possible. He couldn't remember ever seeing Jesse without James or vice versa. Ash rubbed his temple as a headache started to form. This was going to be harder than he thought...

Meowth was, despite speech and the ability to walk upright, a cat. That was why he found himself wide awake at 3 in the morning and ready to plan the day. His partners, on the other hand, were very much human. He'd managed to get them to lean against each other in a sitting position for discussion purposes. "Now, I assume you two are going to want to find this Annie chick, right?"

"Need beauty sleep," said Jesse.

"Nghh," said James.

"And we are, for some reason beyond my comprehension, going to team up with those brats. I've decided that we need a car."

"Sleep," Jesse mumbled again. James slumped against her shoulder.

"Because there is no way I'm gonna be airborne with those bad luck charms," Meowth continued. "Have you noticed that our lives have gone down the toilet ever since we got that assignment?"

James jerked back to semi-alertness, then squinted at Jesse. He grinned and her and said blearily, "You're my sexy raichu."

"That's nice," she said, yawning. "Car, raichu...s'great. Can I go back to bed now?"

"Maybe if we could get rid of that little twerp and nab his Pikachu while you two are playing Cupid," Meowth suggested to himself since no one else was coherent. "Then he won't be able to screw up everything we do!"

Jesse had drifted off into a strange dream. She was in a wedding dress with a red "R" on the front, and James was in his uniform and the priest had just asked James, "Do you take this woman to be your sexy raichu?" and James had said "I do," and then the priest had said, "If there are any here who do not approve of this union, speak now or forever hold your peace." That was when Ash burst through the door, Pikachu on his shoulder, and screamed, "I'll never let you have Pikachu!" Then...

Jesse shook her head. Meowth had just said something. "Huh?" she asked.

Meowth shook his head in disgust. "Forget it," he said. "I'll tell you about it in the morning."

Morning came and Jesse felt especially tired. "Good morning, sexy raichu!" Meowth called to her with a smirk.

"What?" Jesse asked, pulling out her mallet.

"The three of us had a lovely chat last night during which you agreed to be James' 'sexy raichu,' " Meowth explained.

James sat up. "Who's my sexy raichu?" he asked.

"Jesse is," Meowth said sweetly. "She was thrilled about it last night."

"Really?" James asked, looking hopefully at Jesse. "And do you know what he's talking about?"

Jesse shook her head. "I think he tried to have another midnight planning session..."

"We're taking the car today," Meowth announced.

"What car?" asked James, trying to climb past Jesse to get out of bed.

"Don't worry, I got us a good deal on one," Meowth said just as there was a knock on the door. Jesse and James changed into their uniforms with amazing speed. Meowth opened the door. Ash was there with a large scowl on his face with Misty and Brock behind him. Pikachu was at his feet.

"We want to help you find Professor Oak's missing partner," he muttered, keeping his eyes on the floor.

The car was a good deal because the demand for DeLoreans had greatly decreased. "I'm driving," Meowth announced.

"How come you get to drive?" asked Jesse.

"You can't even reach the pedals!" complained James.

"I'm drivin' because I've got more brains in my charm than you idiots combined!" Meowth snapped.

"Shotgun," Jesse and James called simultaneously.

After four unsuccessful rounds of rock paper scissors(they both chose paper the first time, scissors the second and fourth time, and rock the third time)and three coin tosses where the coin landed on the edge, it was decided by Meowth that the two could "share the freakin' seat and quit whining about it." The doors were opened with a minimum of damage although Ash was hit in the face, and the search party was ready to roll. Pikachu and Misty had both claimed the window seats, forcing Ash and Brock to be crammed in the middle. For a mouse, Pikachu took up a lot of space.

"You'd better not hit anything," Jesse warned Meowth. She was sitting on James' lap.

James looked out the window and continued to silently repeat his new mantra: Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts...

"Do we have any idea where we're going?" asked Ash.

"Yeah, 7-11," answered Meowth. "We need searching snacks."

A quick stop later, everyone was equipped with Slurpees and a box of donuts was lying between the two front seats. "Do we have any idea where we're going now?" Ash asked.

"Team Rocket's nursing home," said Jesse. "Unless she quit, she's probably there."

"Kaa!" Pikachu squealed as they drove by a tauros pasture.

Misty sighed unhappily as she looked out the window. "Can we play a game or something?"

"Pika pi ka chu!" suggested Pikachu.

"What'd he say?" asked Brock.

"I'm going to Victory Road," Meowth translated.

"I'll start," said Jesse. "I'm going to Victory Road and I'm bringing Arbok."

"I'm going to Victory Road and I'm bringing Arbok and...babes!" said Brock.

Misty sighed. "I'm going to Victory Road and I'm bringing Arbok, babes, and...a clefariy."

"I'm going to Victory Road and I'm brining Arbok, babes, a clefairy, and donuts," said James.

"I'm going to Victory Road and I'm bringing Arbok, babes, a clefairy, donuts, and...enemies," Ash said, thinking of his current situation. He was already extremely bored. Then he remembered the two or three pieces of rare candy he had in his pocket and their...interesting effect on Brock. He quickly slipped them into the donuts.

A few turns later, Misty was saying, "I'm going to Victory Road, and I'm bringing Arbok, babes, a clefairy, donuts, enemies, fear toxin, a ghastly to beat the living hell out of," Misty paused to give Jesse a look, "hotties, an igloo, Jesse," she paused again to nudge Ash who still didn't think that meant anything while James looked out the window and Jesse stared at the ceiling, "a kangaskhan, leech seeds, money, there's no way I'm saying 'n' again Brock..."

"There's nothing wrong with it!" Brock protested. "You probably just can't remember it!"

"How could we forget?!" Misty cleared her throat. "Brock's pervert thing, and an...omastar."

Ash rolled his eyes. "Are we there yet?" he whined.

"Be quiet," said Misty. "It's not your turn."

"Is there something else we can do?" asked Ash. "This is so boring!"

"I think we're lost," Meowth announced.

Misty, Brock, and Pikachu glared at Ash. "I'm not driving!"

"You're directional bad luck," said Brock.

"What letter are we on?" asked James

"Meowth wants to have a sing-a-long!" said Meowth.

Amidst the off key singing of "151 Pokemon on the Wall," James looked at Jesse. She'd been unusually quiet. "Is everything ok?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?"

He shrugged.

"You capture one and store it via PC, 149 Pokemon on the wall..."

"You just seem...uhh..." He tried to think of something more tactful than "Less violent." "Thoughtful!"

Jesse reached for the donuts. She pulled out one and handed it to James. "Want to split it?" she asked.

"...149 Pokemon on the wall, you capture one..."

James' face lit up. "Sure!"

Ash laughed viciously to himself. Naturally Jesse had picked up one of the drugged donuts...

Jesse smiled. Food always put an end to awkward questions. As she took a bite out of the donut, she tried to stop asking herself why he'd said her name so quickly during "I'm Going to Victory Road."

Another hour passed and they not only lost, but the backseat had completely lost any and all enthusiasm for any moronic road trip games as well as most of the songs created to piss off drivers.

Jesse and James were completely hepped up on rare candy. Somehow Jesse had been able to find all three drugged donuts and share them with James. She was now giggling uncontrollably.

Meowth kept eyeing them nervously. "I'm going to stop to ask for directions," he said.

"Huh?" asked Ash, Misty and Brock.

"It's what you do when you're lost."

"Hey, we should try that someday!" said Misty.

"How come I'm only a Nidorina if you're my Nidoking of love?" asked Jesse, giggling.

"Not this again," groaned Misty.

Ash was starting to seriously rethink his rare candy prank.

"Because I've got the moon stones," James answered. They both started giggling.

Misty, Ash, and Meowth shuddered. Pikachu looked confused. Brock started taking notes. Meowth shuddered again when he noticed the speed bump. Maybe they won't pretend to be scared, he thought hopefully. He drove as slowly as possible, but Jesse screamed and hugged her partner for dear life anyways. James did the same.

"How come the Team Rocket Babe Magnet Method didn't work for me?" asked Brock, noticing that since Jesse was on James' lap it wasn't your standard fear hug.

"Jesse, I can't breathe..."

"I wuv you," Jesse announced, moving back and pressing her face against his.

"Someone find me a place to stop!" screeched Meowth. "I have to get out of this awful car!"

Misty gave Ash a smug look. "I told you so," she said.

"Is this...typical?" asked Brock.

Meowth shook his head. "No, they're usually obvious about it in a more...subtle way." He glared at them. "Meowth doesn't like putting up with this crap!"

"I wuv you too," said James, giggling again.

"'I wuv you' isn't supposed to be in the Team Rocket vocabulary," Meowth added.

"Am I your Nidorina?" Jesse asked. James nodded, continuing to grin like an idiot. "And you," she continued, poking him in the chest, "are my Nidoking?"

"Of love," he agreed.

"Evolve me," Jesse said, giving him a sly look. She started to take off her jacket.

Meowth quickly pulled over. "Brock, you're driving," he said, opening the door. "Jesse, you're going to sit in the back."

"Backseat," said James, nudging Jesse and winking.

"Not you, lover boy," said Meowth. "You're sitting with me."

Jesse turned to Ash. "You want to hear a secret?" she asked him.

"Uhmm..."

"I'm wearing a thong," she whispered.

Ash sweatdropped. "Oh," he said. Interesting as that tidbit was, he was desperately wishing that he hadn't drugged those donuts.

James turned around. "Secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone," he chanted teasingly.

"I'm wearing a thong," she repeated.

The car swerved violently. "Ratatta," Brock lied, wiping the sweat off his brow.

Meowth looked at the clock, then at the map. "We're still lost," he muttered. "Dis trip is never gonna end..."

"Can I see?" asked James.

"Later," said Jesse, winking.

"Why not now?" James whined. Jesse leaned over and whispered something to him. Then they both started laughing again. "Guess what."

"What?" Jesse asked.

"You're my little grimer."

Meowth slapped him. "Will you cut it out? What the hell's wrong with you?"

Ash's guilty conscience continued to scream at him until finally, he blurted out, "They're whacked out on rare candy."

"Oh no, they've grown a level," Misty said sarcastically.

"Uhh...rare candy does weird things to people," said Ash.

Meowth snickered in spite of himself. "Yeah, like when Squinty over there had a few too many pieces..."

"I don't remember that," said Brock.

"You started hitting on James," said Ash. Misty burst out laughing.

"Who wouldn't?" asked Jesse, playing with her partner's hair.

"Of course, Brock never brought up the subject of 'wuv,' " Ash added.

When no one in the DeLorean could stand another awful, moronic Pokémon petname, Brock pulled into the parking lot of a Motel 6. Unfortunately, both parking spaces next to the car were occupied, so the doors caused a bit of damage, taking off two side view mirrors and a door handle.

The room had two beds and a sleep sofa. "...and since you three are a team..." said Ash.

Meowth shook his head. Jesse and James were already seated dangerously close together on the hide-a-bed. Their jackets and boots were already on the floor. "There is no way," Meowth said.

"I'll sleep on the floor," Brock volunteered, taking the bedspreads from the two beds.

"Prepare for trouble," Jesse told James in a sultry voice.

"Make it double," he replied.

Ash and co. exchanged a glance. "There's a door we can close, right?" Misty asked.

"Please don't do this to me," Meowth pleaded.

"To protect the world from devastation,"

"To unite all peoples within our nation,"

"I'll help you guys," Meowth continued. "I can be your translator!"

"To de--oh, screw the motto!" said Jesse. "Let's make love!"

"At least let me sleep in the bathtub!" The door was quickly slammed in Meowth's face.

The first thing James noticed when he woke up was the bar digging into his back. The second and third things he noticed were that he was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and that Jesse's head was on his chest. Even early in the morning James could figure out what this probably meant. Unfortunately he couldn't remember a thing from the day before...

Jesse opened her eyes and realized that not only was she lying on top of James, but she was only wearing his shirt and a thong. She started to close her eyes and think how nice it would be to finally have confessed their secret desires to each other and were finally a real couple. Then she realized she couldn't remember anything after the third donut and "106 Pokémon on the Wall."

They sat up and looked at each other. James started to ask Jesse what had happened, but quickly realized that whatever it was, it wouldn't happen again if he screwed up like that. Jesse noticed Meowth warily looking at them from the foot of the bed. She crawled over to him. James' eyes widened. "Meowth, could you tell me something?" He handed her a sheet of paper. "What's this?"

"Well, Princess Electrode, those are all the terms of endearment your Precious Metapod called you yesterday," Meowth explained.

Jesse grabbed him by the neck. "Just tell me if we did it!" she snapped.

"You don't remember either?" asked James, half relieved and half disappointed.

"No, thankfully you two passed out before it got too nauseating," Meowth said. "But on the good side I won't be needing a cold shower for quite some time..."

"Did you get us drunk again?" asked Jesse.

"The twerp slipped you some rare candy."

Jesse rolled her eyes. “Oh, gee, did we learn any new attacks?” She gave Meowth another good shake. “Don’t lie to me you little…”

James was starting to think about the scenario presented to him. Having seen the power of the rare candy before and knowing the situation he’d awoken too, he came to a quick and depressing conclusion. “Are you sure we didn’t do it?” he asked Meowth.

“James,” Jesse said in her sweet “shut up or I’ll smack you into the next town/day” voice, “let me handle this.”

“Would you leave me alone if I said yes?” Meowth asked.

“It’s not important,” Jesse said through clenched teeth.

“I think it’s important,” said James.

“It’s more important to know if that wretched cat was—“

“Jesse, what are the chances of us…hooking up under the current, normal circumstances?”

“1 in 7,481,009.” She’d done the math on an extremely dull and tedious day of waiting in the bushes.

“Making…” He stopped, looking at her carefully. “It’s that bad?” She nodded. “What would they be without the little idiots?”

“Hey!” Ash yelled from the other room.

Jesse and James froze. Meowth continued to turn blue. “How thin are the walls?” Jesse asked.

“Very!” Ash called back.

There was another silence. “Did we do it?” James asked them.

“Shouldn’t you know?” asked Misty.

“Anyway,” said Jesse, returning to the matter at hand. “Get my calculator.”

James hopped off the bed and started to look through her things. Hairbrush, hair spray, mousse, bobby pins, hair clips, hair gel, comb… “Do you really have a calculator?” he asked.

“Yes, it’s right under the…maybe I should look.”

“No, I can find it.”

“James, I really think you should let me look,” Jesse said in a strained voice.

“Why?” He grinned. “Afraid I’m going to read your diary?”

“Hey, dat’s my job!” said Meowth. Jesse tightened her grip around his throat. “What? He’s in most of—oof!”

“Ummm…” Jesse looked at the floor.

“Is it that time of the month or something?”

“When isn’t it?” asked Meowth. Jesse whacked him.

James rolled his eyes. “Jesse, I think I can handle finding a few—whoa!”

Jesse bit her lip. “Yeah.”

“When was this taken?”

“Pokemon Tech kegger.”

The door opened. “All right,” Brock said. “I’m coming in.” He entered with a hand over his eyes. He fumbled into a wall.

“Does Ash have any more dirty pictures?” Misty asked.

James gave Jesse a strange look. “But we’re in uniform,” he said, holding up a picture of the two of them with their first theft.

“Oh, that one,” Jesse said with a sigh of relief.

“ ‘That one’?” James and Meowth asked in unison.

“Just let me look for the damn calculator!” Jesse shouted.

Ash and Misty entered with Pikachu following. “Let’s get going,” Misty suggested.

“Where?” Jesse and James asked.

“To find what’s her face,” Ash snapped. “C’mon, let’s get it over with…”

Misty glared at him. “Ash, we could’ve been there already if not for your stupid rare candy trick!”

Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “Oh,” Jesse said, blushing. She dropped Meowth.

“Please tell me we did it!” James whined at Meowth.

“What exactly does rare candy do?” asked Jesse.

Ash and Misty shuddered. “You really don’t remember anything?” asked Meowth.

“No!” Jesse and James snapped.

“Does the phrase ‘I wuv you’ ring a bell?”

“Look, I’m sorry! Can we just keep going now? I’ve got badges to earn!” Ash yelled, roughly turning his hat backwards.

“Pika chu,” Pikachu sighed.

Meowth looked at his team members. They were looking at him, arms folded across their chests, clearly waiting for an answer. “I’ll tell you in the car,” he said.

As the DeLorean continued down the road, Brock smiled happily. “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

Meowth glared at Jesse and James. “You disgust me,” he said.

“We’re dressed, we’re in the car, now we want answers!” said James.

“I still don’t think the strip tease was necessary,” Meowth added, looking at Jesse.

“I liked it,” said James.

“Me too!” added Brock.

Ash bit his tongue just in time. A frying pan flew into the backseat, hitting Brock square in the face. Jesse raised a second frying pan, ready to slam James in the head.

“Wait, did you mean that?” she asked him.

“Ummm…”

CLANG!

“And it wasn’t a strip tease,” Jesse said haughtily to Meowth. “It was getting dressed.”

“Are we there yet?” whined James.

Meowth spread the map out over the steering wheel. “If nothing goes wrong, we should be there in under an hour.”

Everyone in the car turned to look at Ash. “What?” he asked. “I never got lost until I met Misty!”

“And we didn’t suck until we met you!” Jesse, James, Meowth, Misty, and Brock snapped in unison.

Pikachu’s eyes widened. “Kachuuu….” (“Whoa…”)

Ash looked at Team Rocket. “But…you’ve always sucked!”

“If we’ve always sucked, why do you get a badge just for defeating us?” snapped Jesse. She sighed. “Remember when we captured that little girl’s articuno?” she asked, looking at James with teary eye-nostalgia.

“Remember how she was so scared that she just gave it to us?” James asked.

“Remember how you screamed like a girl when Jesse dropped the pokéball and it came out?” Meowth asked, quickly returning his attention to the road before they took out another stop sign.

James’ eyes narrowed. “She screamed like a girl too!”

Misty rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Ash, Team Rocket likes to hire losers and send them out on obviously important missions. That’s why they’re an wide reaching terrorist group.”

“Well, what about you?” Ash asked her.

“I’m a certified gym leader!” Misty screamed, hitting him with a mallet. “A gym leader! That means I have Pokémon League status!”

“So why are we following a smart-ass kid around?” asked Brock.

“I don’t know!”

Ash turned to Pikachu. “Hey, at least I got you out of Professor Oak’s pokéball, right?” A paper fan and a rose hit him in the face. “What was that for?”

“You stole that pikachu?” James asked.

“That poor, poor man,” Jesse said, wiping her eyes with her handkerchief.

“He gave it to me! And you don’t have a problem with stealing him from me!” Ash snapped.

“That’s because we don’t like you,” explained James.

“And you don’t know what it’s like to lose your one true love,” Jesse sighed. “Not that I do either.”

“How long have we been in this death trap for?” Meowth snapped. The stress of seven people who didn’t like each other to begin with being in a car meant to seat five was causing tempers to flare.

Brock looked at his watch. “Eight minutes.”

“James, something just occurred to me,” Jesse said.

“What?”

“How’re we going to get them into Team Rocket’s nursing home?”

“How do we even know she’s there?” Ash asked bitterly.

Jesse and James threw their heads back and laughed. “We’re got keen reflexes and intuition,” James said.

“Besides, we could always find you twerps,” added Jesse.

“Even when we didn’t want to,” muttered Meowth. “Do we have any food left?”

On the way out of the Stop N Go parking lot, Meowth noticed something ominous in the road ahead. “All right,” he said slowly. “There’s a speed bump up ahead…it’s poifectly normal…we’re just going to—“

“AAAAAHHH!!”

Ash buried his face in his hands. “Why did I agree to this?”

Several hours later…

“We’re going in circles, aren’t we?” Ash asked, recognizing all the familiar warning signs.

“Mmm,” Misty said absently. She was, like the rest of the car, happily ensconced in a dream sequence. She shook her head, realizing that she didn’t have decent hair, a chest, or Brock waiting on her hand and foot. “What?

“We’re going in circles, aren’t we?” Ash asked again.

Misty looked over at Brock who had an especially big smile on his face due to the visions of Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny dancing in his head. “Pervert,” she muttered.

Up in the front seat, Jesse and James seemed to be having the standard daydream as well…

“Aww…” sighed Misty. “Maybe I’ll join Team Rocket…”

“Pika pi!” exclaimed Pikachu. (“I’ll come with you!”)

Ash scowled. Why didn’t he feel like the protagonist anymore? He barely noticed when the car pulled to a stop.

“We’re here,” Meowth said. Jesse and James didn’t respond. “Fury swipes!”

“My face!” James whined.

“Who cares about your face; what about mine?” wailed Jesse, looking at the damage in her mirror.

“Just open the stupid door!” screamed Misty.

Once in the parking lot, having utterly destroyed two Buicks, Jesse, James, and Meowth looked over their companions. “Dis is never going to work,” Meowth sighed.

“You always say that,” said Jesse.

“And I’m always right.”

After Meowth had been thoroughly stomped, the brainstorming began again. “Are there any three person teams?” asked James.

“Aren’t we…oh, that’s right. Meowth,” said Jesse.

“One of them could be a pokémon…”

Ash suddenly felt very worried, especially when Team Rocket looked at him with sinister smiles that would’ve done the Grinch proud. “Can I at least be something cool?” he asked.

“Jesse, what are we thinking? Pikachu can be their pokémon!” said James.

“And Ash can wait in the car!” added Misty.

“No!” Ash shouted, realizing that his plan was in danger. “I could…be…visiting my grandmother.”

Team Rocket considered this. “We could all be visiting our grandmother,” said Jesse.

“And we’d get to wear costumes!” added James.

A quick costume change later, Team Rocket was ready to go undercover. “Lime green with purple?” asked James, looking over Jesse’s outfit.

“I know what I’m doing,” said Jesse. “And an orange scarf with blue pants?”

“We all look bad,” said Misty, utterly disgusted by her dumpy orange sweater and red pleated skirt. “Let’s just get this over with.”

They entered Team Rocket’s nursing home. “Ugh,” said Ash.

“Shouldn’t there be a special old people uniform?” asked Misty.

The Team Rocket mini-skirt really lost its appeal when worn by a 60+ woman with knee-high stockings. The short jacket wasn’t too great with a beer belly either.

“All right, gang, let’s split up,” said Brock. “Jesse and Misty, you’re with me. Ash, you, James and Pikachu go look on the first floor.”

“I don’t like this,” whined James.

“What? If we split up—“

“I know what you’re doing! I’ve watched Scooby-Doo!”

“I think it’s a good idea,” said Ash.. Brock had just given him the perfect circumstances for his plan…

James pouted. He had a feeling the absolutely no good would come of this.

“Come on, let’s go look in the basement!” Ash said, running down the hall. “Maybe there’s food there!” James found himself reluctantly following.

Brock looked down at Meowth. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to keep the rest of you from acting like idiots,” the cat explained. “Now, we can either wander this place until something happens, or we can actually ask if Annie is here and, if so, what room she’s in.”

“I was just about to say that,” Jesse said.

Meowth waited for several minutes. No one moved. “Maybe someone should go up there and ask,” he suggested.

Jesse walked up to the counter, followed by the other three. “We’re looking for our grandmother,” she said. “Her name is Annie.”

Nurse Joy typed the name into her computer. “Do you know her partner’s name?”

“Oakly,” said Misty.

“But they were separated years ago,” Jesse added.

Brock began stammering and blushing.

“Room 207,” said Nurse Joy, smiling warmly.

Misty and Jesse nodded. Brock finally managed to choke out a coherent sentence: “I’m going to be a pokémon breeder!”

Misty and Jesse managed to drag him to the elevator. Once inside, Jesse waited for James to whine about wanting to push the button. Naturally it was a surprise to both her and Meowth when the door opened on the second floor. “Shouldn’t we tell James? And Ash and Pikachu, of course,” she asked.

Down in the basement, Ash was looking for a suitable object to stick his romantic rival into. But he was confidant that a nice broom closet with a lock would show up soon. Meanwhile, Pikachu was merrily scampering about, looking into dusty boxes and dark corners. James, however, was sulking several feet behind. He was also wondering why they were looking in the basement…

“Hey, James,” called Ash. “Can you come check this out?”

James walked over to the door. “What?”

“Maybe she’s in here.”

“It’s a closet.”

Ash looked nervously at Pikachu who was now pawing through an open trunk. “Can you just look?”

Sighing, James entered. “Well, if they killed her, this isn’t where they hid her body,” he said. Just as he started to turn around, the door slammed shut. “Hey!”

Ash leaned against the door, fumbling with the keys that had been conveniently left in the lock.(sometimes it was good to be the hero)Finally he locked the door. He could still hear James banging on the door and swearing at him. “Hey, Pikachu, do you know what happened to James?” Pikachu shook his head. “Well, let’s keep looking then.” He continued making his uninterested search until he heard footsteps.

“Ash, we know what room she’s in,” said Misty. She looked around. “Where’s James?”

Ash shrugged. “I don’t know. I just looked up, and he was gone.” Misty looked at him in a way that said she didn’t quite believe him, but she didn’t say anything. “He probably just went back upstairs to find you guys.”

Misty nodded. “You’re probably right.”

Jesse, Meowth, and Brock were waiting outside of Room 207. Brock had a mysterious bump on the head, and Jesse kept glaring at him. “Where’s James?” she asked Ash almost immediately after seeing him.

“I don’t know. I thought he might be with you,” Ash replied.

“He’ll toin up,” said Meowth.

Jesse folded her arms across her chest. “I want to wait,” she said.

Ash bit his lip. This idea threatened to blow up in his face just like the rare candy prank…

Forty-five minutes later, Ash’s already strained patience had reached its limits. “Can we just get this over with?” he asked. “I’ve got a pokémon journey to complete!”

“Maybe we should go look for James,” suggested Meowth. He looked nervously at Jesse. “He could just be at the cafeteria.”

Jesse managed a weak smile. She quickly caught herself, and scowled. “I’ll get him for this,” she threatened half-heartedly.

“Ash, when did you last see him?” Misty asked softly.

“Look, Jesse, you’re your own person,” said Ash. “You don’t need anyone else to go in and talk to some old lady. Just suck it up and go in there!” Then he used his “Misty teasing expression.” “Unless your entire sense of self worth depends on one whiny transvestite.”

Glaring at him, Jesse marched through the door of 207. “Are you Annie?” she asked the elderly woman seated on the edge of the bed. Her hair was styled at an odd angle, and her ugly orange earrings caused her earlobes to sag slightly. She was wearing a black Team Rocket uniform.

“Yes,” the woman replied, looking up from that month’s issue of Crime Can Pay, popular reading amongst Rockets.

“Then prepare for trouble,” Jesse said, quickly tearing off her disguise. It was then that she noticed a man about the same age as Annie sitting in a nearby chair. “Who are you?”

“I’m Aido, her partner,” he said.

Jesse blinked several times. “Her…but what about your other partner, Oakly?”

Annie shrugged. “That was years ago.”

“Oakly?” Aido asked. “You never mentioned him!”

“It was a long time ago, dear. He’s not even a member now.”

“I think in twenty years you might’ve found time to bring it up…”

Meowth, Misty, Ash, and Brock watched from the doorway. They all had the sense to stay away from Jesse who was obviously getting very, very angry.

“You don’t even miss him?” she asked Annie.

“Oh, I used to, but we never really got along very well,” Annie explained. “You see, young lady, back in my day, our primary concern was capturing pokémon. It was a team, not a dating service.”

“How dare you…” Jesse began, clenching her fists. “Dating service? And how could you abandon your partner?”

Annie shook her head. “Listen, girlie, we’re both much happier than we would’ve been. I’m sure at the time we both thought that there was some potential but…well, I was always slapping him and he tended to get on my nerves a lot. It would never have worked out.” She nodded thoughtfully. “After all, once you’re past a certain age, a good whack in the head doesn’t mean that you like someone.”

“Ah-ha!” exclaimed Ash, pulling down his lower eyelid at Misty. “I told you so!”

James had given up on trying to scream for Jesse. Instead, he was seated on the floor of the basement attempting to contact her telepathically. After a few seconds he was forced to give up on that due to the fact that he might accidentally send her the violent thoughts he was thinking about Ash…

“But I know how you kids are today,” Annie was saying. “You and your partner are probably an item, and it’s nothing but love and sunshine.”

“I bet they’ve done it,” added Aido.

Jesse looked at the floor. “Love and sunshine” wasn’t the phrase she would have used. The reality was closer to “pain and storm clouds.” She sighed.

“Don’t be obscene,” snapped Annie. “There are children present!”

“It’s okay,” said Misty. “Ash slipped them rare candy yesterday.” Meowth shuddered.

“Yes sir,” Annie continued as if she hadn’t heard Misty, which she probably didn’t since hearing is one of the first things to go, “there’s nothing worse than an abusive relationship. Consarn it, Oakly was probably overjoyed to get away from me! Can’t even count the number of times I insulted him…oh, sometimes he’d try to come onto me, but I’d just swat that down with a casual remark or something like that so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea.” She pulled her reading glasses out of her purse and used them to look closely at Jesse. “Hmm…last time I talked to Giovanni I heard good things about someone who sounded a bit like you, girlie.”

“Must’ve been somebody else,” muttered Meowth.

“Course that was a good many years ago,” Annie admitted. “But you’re got spirit! I’ll just give you one piece of advice, some words from an old lady—losing a partner who doesn’t stand up to you much and who seems a tad…” She paused, looking for the right words.

“Effeminate?” suggested Ash.

“Wussy?” suggested Brock.

“Eccentric,” said Jesse, glaring at both of them.

“That’s the one! Anyhoo, losing a partner like that is a blessing in disguise. You see, sometimes we all have a streak of bad luck, but sometimes it seems to be caused by one person. What you got to do is remove that person from your life, and then you’ll be better off. And,” she said, lowering your voice, “don’t be surprised if it’s your partner.”

Ash squirmed. Jesse’s look did not seem especially friendly. “Oh, I think I know who that person is,” she said. “Let’s go.”

She stomped back to the elevator. “We’re going to the cafeteria,” she said.

“Yay! Colorless mush!” exclaimed Meowth.

“Because I’m hungry,” she added.

Ash, Misty, and Brock walked on ahead. Jesse and Meowth followed slightly behind. “Idiot,” she muttered. “Of course I’m my own person!”

“So whadda we do if he’s not dere?” Meowth asked.

Jesse shrugged. “We look for him. Just so we’ll be able to give the boss a full report.”

James leaned against the back wall of the closet. It was quiet, peaceful, slightly claustrophobic, weird smelling…well, it was okay for a broom closet. And he didn’t want to ever think about what Meowth would say once they found him. Sighing, he pulled out his Gameboy and started playing the new game everyone was talking about. The main character was a ten year old boy who had to go to school and get into a good college to increase his chances of getting a high paying job with high job security. He’d just made it to High School Town the other day. “Where do they get these names?” he asked. “Probably lost something in the translation…”

“Mmm, gruel,” said Misty, wrinkling her nose at it.

Ash, Brock, and Meowth were happily wolfing it down. “This is the best gruel I’ve ever tasted!” said Ash.

“That’s just because you haven’t tried mine,” said Brock. “It’s my own special recipe.”

Pikachu began licking the ketchup bottle. Jesse poked absently at her gruel. “How can they stand to eat this slop?”

Misty looked at Ash and Brock. “They’ll eat anything.” Both girls pushed their bowls away.

“Sure you don’t want this?” asked Ash, Brock, and Meowth as they dragged the food away. As there were three of them and only two bowls, a nasty fight soon broke out.

“What now?” asked Misty.

“Aahh! Quit it!” yelled Brock.

“We might as well leave,” said Jesse. She kept glancing towards the cafeteria door. “He obviously isn’t coming back.”

Meowth paused mid-scratch. “He could be at the car,” he said, noticing the odd expression on Jesse’s face. She looked pissed off, which he was used to, but she also seemed…sad about it. “Don’t worry about it. James knows what he’s doing….Sometimes.”

“He wouldn’t just disappear, would he?” Ash asked innocently.

Jesse stood up. “I’m going to the basement,” she announced.

“Do you have a plan?” Meowth asked. Jesse opened her mouth. “Dat doesn’t involve digging a hole, a net, or anything else that would usually take two of you?” Jesse closed her mouth.

“Let’s have a pokémon battle,” suggested Ash as he stood up.

“Why?” Jesse asked.

“Because…we haven’t had one yet,” said Ash, smiling. “And we’re supposed to.”

Jesse and Meowth exchanged a disgusted look. “He’s right ya know,” sighed Meowth.

“Fine,” said Jesse. “Arbok, go!”

“Chharrbok-a!” hissed Arbok.

“Go, Bulbasaur!” Ash shouted.

“Bulbasar!”

Arbok turned to Jesse. “Just fight,” she snapped.

“Bulbasaur, vine whip!”

“Arbok, bind,” Jesse said half-heartedly. “Just try not to get too injured…”

“Bulbasaur, leech seed!”

Jesse crouched next to Meowth. “I’m leaving. Retrieve Arbok for me after he faints,” she whispered, then slipped out the door.

Ash was too caught up in the heady thrill of pokémon battle to notice. “That’s it Bulbasaur!” he cried, raising his fist high in the air.

Suddenly, Arbok turned away from Bulbasaur and grabbed Meowth in his coils. “Chhharbok!” he hissed.

“I don’t know what’s going on either!” Meowth protested.

“Charrrbok!” (“Listen, you little punk, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but—“)

“I like you! I like you!”

“Chharrbok-a! Bok, charrr!” ( “I’m sick of this crap! I want a normal battle!”)

“You want a beating?” Meowth was starting to turn blue, something he didn’t enjoy doing twice in one day. “Because…I’d be happy ta give you—ow! Please stop…”

Ash looked at Misty and Brock who shrugged. “I guess it’s a draw,” he sighed.

“Where’s Jesse?” asked Misty.

“James!” Jesse yelled, kicking through another cardboard box of priceless heirlooms whose owner had met with an unfortunate “accident.”(nursing home or not, it’s still a place of pure evil) “James, this isn’t funny anymore!” She thought about that. “Not that it was to begin with…” she added through clenched teeth. She slumped against the wall. “Well, fine. I don’t care! I’ll just go back, call the Boss, and tell him that I need a new partner. Sound good? Great. Great. Because I’m just fine with this!” She covered her face with her hand. “Blessing in disguise,” she said softly. “I’m perfectly fine…” Jesse took a deep breath.

“Jesse?”

Jesse leapt up. “Meowth!” she exclaimed. “What’re you doing here?”

“Your mascara’s running,” he said bluntly. “Any luck yet?”

Jesse shook her head. “I don’t think we’re going to find him,” she said sadly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do…”

“Look, we just won’t tell da Boss for a few days and once you’re comfortable with being solo…” he shrugged. “I mean, we’re most of da team by ourselves, right?”

“Right…” Jesse said weakly.

“So we’re going to go up dose stairs, and capture that Pikachu!” Meowth cheered.

“Where’s Arbok?” asked Jesse without much interest.

“Well…he’s kind of a bit…loose right now.”

“What?” Jesse asked, clenching her fists.

“It’s not my fault he doesn’t like me!” Meowth looked cautiously up at Jesse. “Now let’s go capture Pikachu!”

Jesse managed a feeble maniacal laugh. “That little twerp had better prepare for trouble!” She paused, listening intently. “Did you hear something?”

“The sound of your mind finally snapping?”

“Damn.”

With typical cruel irony, the wall Jesse had been leaning against was the door to a mostly empty broom closet…

After running out of interesting things to do while trapped in a closet, James had managed to find an air duct to crawl through. He was currently listening to Annie blather on about the good old days.

“And you know what a good digging shovel cost? 25 yen, 25!” Annie said, shaking her head with disgust. “Can’t even get a net for that now. And people respected their elders back then! And did their missions like they were supposed to or they’d be off working at PokéBurger! I hear there’s this one team…what was their name again?”

“J something…” said Aido. “Jenny and…Jake?”

“No, that wasn’t it…” Annie said. “Jerry and Jane?”

“I think I know who you’re talking about,” James said quickly.

“What a pair of idiots!” Annie continued. Aido nodded. “Honestly, how hard is it to take a overgrown rat from a ten year old boy? Kids today. It’s the ‘love power’ crap I heard about the other day. And these days, what you look like is more important than how you do your job! In my day, it was black or nothing! I was just with one of those little hippies, Je-whatever. She used to have a lot of promise until this latest assignment. Now it’s just cheap feels and impressive failure. You know either one of these kids?”

“I think I’ve seen them before…” James said, looking at the door. This was turning out to be worse than the closet…

“Well, if you run into them again, tell them that they’ve got to get off their keisters and start getting serious!”

Ash had just learned something new: the stain on the lobby ceiling looked a lot like a nidoran. Misty was reading a magazine that had gone out of business in the 1970’s. Brock was staring at Nurse Joy with obvious intent. Pikachu was asleep in Ash’s lap. “What’s taking so long?” asked Ash.

Misty started coughing. “Where did that smoke machine come from?” she asked.

“I think I hear music…” said Brock, now distracted from Nurse Joy.

“Are you sure this will work?” Jesse asked Meowth in a whisper.

“Just get out there!”

“Prepare for trouble!” said Jesse, leaping out into full view. She made a mental note to start saying that phrase fewer than three times a day when there was little to no chance that someone would actually say the next line.

“Can we go yet?” whined Ash. Jesse ignored him. She walked up to him. “What’re you doing?”

“What I should’ve done a long time ago!” Jesse grabbed Pikachu off Ash’s lap. “Now what?” she asked Meowth.

“Run!”

As Jesse and Meowth ran towards the parking lot, Ash and friends sat in a state of mild shock. “That was unexpected,” said Brock.

“Can they do that?” asked Ash.

Misty was the first to realize something even more important. “Do they still have the car keys?”

The trio leapt to their feet and hurried towards the car.

It was raining heavily outside. Jesse’s hair was mostly vertical now. “Do you have any other pockets to check?” Meowth asked, holding the squirming Pikachu.

“I don’t have them,” she sighed. “Do you know how to hotwire a car?”

“Do I know how to hotwire a car!” Meowth laughed. “Of course not, you numbskull! I don’t even have opposable thumbs!”

Jesse looked thoughtfully at the car. She knew she was supposed to be thinking of a plan, but somehow that part of her brain just wasn’t working right. Probably the humidity she said to herself.

“Hold it right there!” yelled Ash. “I’m never going to let you take my Pikachu! Pikachu, thun—“

“Do you have the car keys?” asked Meowth.

“What? Why would we have them?”

“Ash, can we hurry this up?” asked Misty. “It’s cold out here!”

“We might as well go back inside,” said Brock. “Since none of us can leave…”

Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “I’m staying here.”

“And I’m not going back inside without my Pikachu!” Ash announced.

“Later,” said Misty as she and Brock turned back towards the nursing home.

“But…wait! Aren’t you guys going to stay here and support me?” whined Ash.

“Ash, it’s freezing out here!” said Misty.

“As much as I’d love to help you, I don’t feel like getting sick,” said Brock.

Ash watched as his friends ran back inside. “Pikachu, thunder—“

“Are you insane?” screamed Meowth, scratching Ash’s face. “There’s water everywhere!”

Ash was starting to feel very discouraged. On days like this, there was nothing that made him feel better than giving someone a massive thundershock to the body. Health risks or not, it just felt good. Well, it felt good when it didn’t end up being directed at Ash. Next time he was in Pallet Town he was going to have to ask him mom what she’d meant about saving all that money on electro-shock therapy… “Well, what pokémon would you like me to use?” he asked sarcastically.

“All right, after we blast off,” Jesse said quietly, “start building time machine to go back in time and select the pikachu before the twerp’s even awake…three of us, we can each get a—“

“There’s two of us,” Meowth reminded her.

“Oh. Well, umm…you made me lose my train of thought!” snapped Jesse, stomping on Meowth.

Meowth sighed. This didn’t look good… “Maybe we’ll make it this time,” he said.

“We can’t even get into the getaway car!”

“Pikachu, thundershock!” Ash yelled.

“Chu!” snapped Pikachu. He was cold, wet, and very unhappy about it.

“If you defeat them, we can go back inside.” Pikachu stuck out his tongue at Ash. “Pikachu!”

“You tell him, Pikachu!” said Meowth. “His kind have oppressed our people for far too long!”

“Pika pikachu!” Pikachu twisted around to glare at his captor.

“I only talk like dis to lull them into—“

“Ka chu!”

“Meeowth! Yow!”

“Pika pi!”

Jesse looked at Ash. “Do you know what they’re saying?”

“I can only understand Pikachu,” Ash admitted. He wasn’t going to be sleeping well for a few days. Underneath the cuddly yellow exterior was a lot of bitterness…

“Now, 1957 was the year they discovered dratini, the 147th Pokémon,” Annie was saying. “So naturally, Aido and I were sent after it. Now, Aido couldn’t come up with a plan if it was starin’ him in the face—“

“Hey!”

“Back then I think we had a…shoot, Aido, what was it?”

“A cubone, I think it was.”

“That’s right. Nothin’ better than a cubone. They say that the cats, the meowths and the persians are smart, but who cares if it won’t listen to a word you say? Now, there was this one boy who had a dratini, don’t know how he caught it, but we were told to nab it.”

“Took us two, three years.”

Annie whacked him with her rolled up magazine. “Simple assignment like that? You’ve gone daft!”

“In fact, I don’t think we ever caught it…”

“Yes, we did. One good bone throw from Cubone and—“

“That was that rare Butterfree. The one that could actually fight worth a darn.”

“It was the dratini!”

James looked at his watch. This felt painfully familiar.

“So, we had this great plan. We were gonna build a gigantic drill,” Annie continued.

“It was a tank,” said Aido.

“It was a gigantic drill!” Annie gave Aido another whack. “Can’t dig a hole with a tank!”

“Maybe it was a tank with a gigantic drill attached…”

“Anyways, I think our pokémon were cubone and…what did you have, Aido?”

“A rattatta. Wait, no, that died back in 1953…”

“Doesn’t matter. So we come up to this little boy and we say our motto. Now how did it go?”

“Get ready for…”

“I think it might have been ‘prepare to die’ or something like that.” Annie nodded. “Yep. That was it.”

“Make it…err…”

“Doesn’t matter. So we say it and then there’s the pokémon battle, and he brings out the dratini—“

“Always had to fight with that dratini.”

“So we fight and then…”

“He slaughtered us!”

Annie hit her partner with an orthopedic shoe. “You’ll have to excuse him,” she said to James. “Mind’s completely gone.”

“We were the most pathetic members in all of Team Rocket history!” Aido reached into the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. “All because of that wretched little what’s his name and his dratini!”

“Do you need me to beat some sense into you?”

“Oww!”

“Now,” Annie said, having taken care of things, “I think it was in the 1970’s that the whole organization went to pot…”

“Bunch of hippies…”

“But you look like a fine young man,” said Annie, putting on her reading glasses to look at James. “I can tell you’ve got a fine career ahead of you.”

James forced a smile. That reminds me, it’s almost time to send the Boss his monthly gift basket and plea for mercy he thought.