Disclaimer: Oh, come on! We all know what I’m going to say here.

Rating: PG-13. Even I’m kind of grossed out by the pokémon petname thing in this one…eww! Pokésex!

Other: My mother was Catholic, and I’m part Irish. So I should be just as offended as anyone else is by the whole nun thing. And isn’t this “two-parter” thing amazing? One half is longer than average and the other half is piddly in comparison. Do you have any thoughts on the matter? And BTW, Meowth only chewed out Jesse and James for their lack of romantic continuity because I suddenly realized that I’d stopped making sense. What else did I screw up? Write to Lovely_Zelda@hotmail.com and tell me!

Jesse and James had made a wonderful discovery. Not only did Cassidy and Butch’s hotel room have a hot tub, but it had cable too! They were lounging in the hot tub, watching 80’s cartoons, and eating the Nintendo Breakfast System when Meowth walked in.

“Aren’t you supposed to be defending our honor?” he asked.

“Which is more important,” asked Jesse, “our reputation or premium channels?”

“Premium channels!” cheered James. “Besides, we wasted ten minutes of our time off trying to catch Pikachu.”

“And how long have you been here?” asked Meowth.

“Three hours,” said Jesse.

Meowth looked at the TV and sighed. “And why exactly are you watching My Little Pony?” he asked.

“S/he wanted to,” Jesse and James said, pointing to each other.

“Besides, after Lady Lovelylocks ended, we didn’t feel like changing the channel,” said Jesse.

“Let me guess,” said Meowth. “You’re going to send your pixie-tails after Pikachu, then use the My Little Pony stare—“

“Don’t be an idiot,” said Jesse.

“It’s the Care Bear stare,” added James.

“What do the My Little Ponies do again?” asked Meowth. “Other than make me want to retch…”

“The unicorns have telekinetic powers,” explained Jesse.

“Not that you would know, of course,” said Meowth.

“Just leave us to our nostalgia or I’ll splash you!” shouted Jesse.

Meowth sighed again. “What’s on next?”

“Thundercats,” said James.

Meowth sat down at the edge of the hot tub. “Do we get room service?” he asked.

Jesse nodded and handed him the phone. “Don’t worry, it’s on Butch and Cassidy’s bill,” she said.

“I hate this,” Cassidy announced. “How are we supposed to capture that stupid Pikachu if we’re sleeping on the ground?”

“We only have to put up with this for a day, right?” asked Butch, looking disdainfully at the sleeping bags.

“Hmm…” said Cassidy, noticing a backpack lying next to the tent. “Looks like they forgot something…” She started riffling through it.

“Are you sure—“

“Butch, do you know what they’re doing right now? If I know the selfish piece of crap that is Jesse, she’s probably ordering room service and watching pay-per-view. This is just making us even.” She pulled out a picture, then quickly stuffed it back in the bag.

“Whose is it?” asked Butch.

“Hopefully James’,” muttered Cassidy.

“That’s it,” said Meowth, snatching the remote from Jesse. “I’m going to see what’s on TV back in this decade.”

“What is this?” asked Jesse, wrinkling her nose.

“Réawor,” said Meowth.

“I hate that game!” James snapped. “I can’t get out of freaking High School Town!”

“Give me the remote,” said Jesse.

“No!” said Meowth, stepping into the other room. “I wanna see if Adam can beat the senior prom without Team Mafia ruining everything!”

Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “You know I hate anime,” she hissed.

Butch and Cassidy were eating M&M’s and reviewing the highlights of what they’d found in the backpack. “Nothing too interesting,” Cassidy sighed.

“Unless you count that picture of Jesse,” said Butch. They both started laughing.

“I wonder when we should go after that Pikachu kid,” said Cassidy.

“How much food do we have left?”

“Another package of Double-Stuff oreos and some more M&M’s.” Cassidy leaned back, peering inside the tent. “We could rummage through their stuff some more and keep eating their food.”

Ash sighed. “Where are they?” he asked Brock. “Why isn’t anyone annoying me yet?”

Brock shrugged. “Come on, Ash. You hate Team Rocket!”

“But this is a different Team Rocket…” Ash’s face suddenly lit up. “Hey, Jesse and James have probably gotten their butts kicked by Gary now…but since they showed up, I win!”

“Pika?” asked Pikachu, looking at Brock for help. Brock only shook his head.

“Come on, Team Mafia!” cheered Meowth.

Jesse and James rolled their eyes. “How can you watch this junk?” asked Jesse.

“Look at those idiots!” added James.

“Leave Jane and Jeremy alone!” screeched Meowth, scratching James. “You’re just upset because you’re not half as cool as they are!” Jesse and James started laughing. “I think this is the episode where they think they’re going to die and confess their love to each other…”

Jesse snorted. “Jeremy is so gay,” she said.

Meowth scratched her. “They’re meant to be together!” he screamed.

“Yeah, if Jane is secretly a man,” added James. He and Jesse started laughing again.

“She probably is,” said Jesse.

Meowth replied by scratching both of them. Before there could be any more arguing, there was a close-up on the flashing discoball. Team Rocket immediately collapsed into seizures.

“Anything to drink?” asked Butch.

Cassidy dumped the entire contents of the bag on the ground. “Crystal Pepsi?”

“You have to be kidding me…what were we supposed to be doing again?”

Cassidy laughed. “Who cares! Stealing Jesse’s food is far more important.”

Butch looked at the ground. “How is taking food from her partner—“

“Butch, I’m making up for years of emotional damage. Now shut up and pass me the Pixy Stix.”

“That’s why I hate anime,” Jesse told Meowth once they’d managed to recover.

“I didn’t think dey translated dat one!” said Meowth.

James sat up. “Come on, Jesse, we have to get to the nearest store and catch all of those great products,” he said, smiling strangely.

Jesse slapped him several times. “James! Snap out of it!” she said. “Most of those great products are available on their terrific website!” She managed to pull her credit cards out a mysterious pocket in her bikini. “Who wants cheap T-shirts and stuffed animals?

Meowth watched in horror as Jesse and James scrambled out of the hot tub and headed towards the computer. “I should’ve known they’d be susceptible to the subliminal messages,” he said, reluctantly following them.

“Ooo! Team Mafia slippers!” exclaimed Jesse.

“I hate Team Mafia,” said James.

“Me too, so we should only get three pairs each.”

Meowth lunged for the modem cord. “Aren’t we supposed to be doing something productive?” he asked them.

“We’re supporting the economy,” said Jesse.

“I want you both to hit each other as hard as you can,” said Meowth. They looked at him skeptically. “Do it for Adam and all of his collectable friends and foes.”

Gary and Misty were sitting on a park bench, waiting for Team Rocket. “They don’t normally take this long,” said Misty.

“It’s okay, there’s no rush,” said Gary.

“Where are your cheerleaders?”

Gary yawned and stretched, subtly placing an arm around Misty’s shoulders. “I gave them the day off.”

Misty gave him a strange look. “What are you—“

“Shh. Just don’t tell your boyfriend.”

“Who? Ash?” Misty started laughing. “You think I’d go out with someone who attacks a rock pokémon with an electric pokémon?” Misty let herself relax against Gary.

“It is better than the time he forced us to watch the Super Seizure Fighting Robots,” said Jesse.

“My head hurts,” whined James.

They were lying on separate beds, staring at the ceiling. Meowth was scribbling something on a yellow legal pad. “Now, we have to think of a plan to steal dat gyarados,” he said. James screamed and covered his face with a pillow. “Do you lamebrains have any ideas?”

“If we’d watched He-Man like we’d wanted to, we’d be fine,” said Jesse.

“Our honor is at stake!” Meowth reminded her. “Now one of you had better come up with a plan!”

“We’ll dress up as…” Jesse paused, her mind drawing a blank. “James, give me a noun.”

“No.”

Jesse threw a pillow at him. “Give me a noun!”

“Ow!”

“Fine,” said Meowth. “You’re going to build a gigantic—“ Jesse threw her other pillow at him, hitting him in the face. “Fine. You’re going to be nuns.”

Jesse and James sat up to glare at him. “Nuns?” they asked.

“You two couldn’t think of anything better.”

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” said Cassidy. “We’ll just go up to the kid and tell him to give us the pikachu or else.”

“Or else what?” asked Butch.

“Or else we’ll…” Cassidy looked around to see what was left. “We’ll force him to drink Crystal Pepsi. Then tomorrow we’ll start working out again.”

Butch nodded. “What if he likes Crystal Pepsi?”

“Nobody likes Crystal Pepsi.” She got to her feet. “We probably should’ve gone easier on the snack food…”

“But, Cassidy, you had years of emotional damage to work through.”

“Damn right I did!” said Cassidy clenching her fists. “Now let’s go find that stupid pikachu!”

Jesse scowled as she pulled the habit over her head. “You can’t even see my hair,” she complained. “I think we should give Meowth a serious beat-down with our rosaries.”

“At least we got some time off,” said James. And all we did was drink coffee and watch cartoons from 1988 he added to himself.

“True,” Jesse agreed. Another potentially interesting six hours completely wasted she said to herself, sighing. “You think we can keep the room tonight?”

“I don’t think Butch and Cassidy’ll be able to walk after blasting off.”

They looked at each other. “Do you have any balls of yarn with you?” Jesse asked.

James nodded. “I always bring one in case of emergencies.” They both started grinning.

“Now remember,” said Meowth, breaking up the disturbing exchange of dialogue, “you’re sweet, lovable nuns, who’ve just finished teaching your class at St. Bridget’s and have come to the park to feed the pidgeons. Once you’ve lulled Gary into a false sense of security—“

“We whack him with our rulers,” said Jesse. “We know.”

“And don’t screw it up dis time!” Meowth shouted as Jesse and James entered the park.

As they approached the bench that Gary and Misty were sitting on, Jesse and James stopped for contemplation. “Please tell me I’m not seeing that,” said Jesse.

“I sure wish I wasn’t,” said James.

Jesse cleared her throat before saying in a loud Irish accent, “Well, Sister Mary Clarence, have you ever seen such a disgustin’ display?”

“Sweet Mary, no!” said James as they sat down between a very embarrassed Gary and Misty. “Have you, Sister Mary Katherine Gallagher?”

“Never! We come here to feed the birds, and this is what we see!” Jesse continued. “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves!”

“Look, we were just waiting—“ Gary began.

“Just waitin’ for the Devil to carry you off!” Jesse finished, hitting him with a ruler.

“Gary, there’s something suspicious about these two nuns,” Misty whispered.

“I said, give us the pikachu!” Cassidy shouted.

“If you want him, you’re going to have to fight for him!” said Ash. “Go, Pikachu!”

“Go, Raticate!” shouted Cassidy.

“Pika!” said Pikachu, clenching his little fists.

“Aww, he’s kind of cute,” said Butch, turning his head to one side to look at Pikachu.

“Butch!” snapped Cassidy. “We have a battle to win!”

“Wait a minute,” said Misty, leaping to her feet. “Sister Mary Clarence was the nun from Sister Act! And Mary Katherine Gallagher’s a Saturday Night Live character! You’re not nuns at all!”

Gary gave her a strange look. “What else would they be?” he asked.

Jesse and James started laughing. “Prepare for trouble,” said Jesse.

“Make it double,” added James. They both pulled off their habits, revealing their Team Rocket uniforms.

“To protect the world from devastation,”

“To unite all peoples within our nation,”

“To denounce the evils of truth and love,”

“To extend our reach to the stars above,”

“Jesse!”

“James!”

“Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!”

“Surrender now, or prepare to fight!”

“Meowth! Dat’s right!” Meowth finished, leaping out of the bushes.

Gary cracked his knuckles, laughing to himself. “Ready to battle?” he asked.

“Why are you still here?” Ash yelled at Butch and Cassidy, who were lying on the ground with Raticate, twitching slightly. Ash turned to Brock. “Brock, I don’t get it! Why haven’t they blasted off?”

Brock looked thoughtfully down at Team Rocket. “Let’s see…we’ve done thunder-shock, fire-spin, water-gun, rock throw…hmm, what’s left?”

Ash’s face lit up. “We could try vine whip!” he suggested.

“Please…make it stop,” said Cassidy. “Here’s half of our money…”

“I don’t want your money!” said Ash. “I want you gone until either tomorrow or next week or whenever!”

“We could try kicking them really hard,” suggested Brock.

“That’s a great idea!” said Ash.

“Gyarados, hyperbeam!” Gary shouted.

Jesse, James, and Meowth closed their eyes and waited to be blasted to oblivion. “Jesse, why are we still on the ground?” asked James.

“I…I don’t know!” said Jesse. They were still clutching each other tightly.

“All right, next pokémon!” said Gary.

Jesse and James stared at him. Meowth sighed and stepped forward. “Jesse, now would be an excellent time for you to send out Lickitung.”

“Oh, that’s right…” said Jesse. “Lickitung, go!”

“Lickitung!”

Meowth looked up at the gyarados. “We are so dead…”

“Hmmm, that didn’t work either,” said Ash.

“Something must be wrong,” added Brock.

“Pika ka chu!” said Pikachu.

“I don’t understand it!” said Ash. “Team Rocket always blasts off!”

Cassidy looked at Butch. “I don’t think I believe in love power anymore,” she said.

“Why haven’t we blacked out yet?” asked Butch.

“Maybe we could throw them off something,” Ash suggested. “Do you know where a cliff is?”

Brock shook his head. “We have to think of something…we’ve seen Jesse and James do it enough times…”

Jesse and James found themselves lying outside of a PokéCenter. “Where are we?” asked Jesse.

“I don’t know,” said James. “I think we blacked out…”

Meowth sat up. “Hey, I feel fighting fit!” he announced.

“I think we just woke up in front of a PokéCenter with half our money gone,” said Jesse. “We’ll make that little twerp pay for this!”

“Which one?” asked James.

“Whichever one we find first!”

“Wow, Gary, your gyarados is amazing!” exclaimed Misty, looking dreamily up at him.

Gary shrugged and started counting his money. “He’s one of my better pokémon,” he said.

“How many do you have?” asked Misty.

“About 80,” said Gary.

“Wow,” sighed Misty. “That’s a lot…”

“I think it’s about average,” he said. “You want to get something to eat?”

“I’d love to!”

“All right,” said Ash, holding up a crude drawing. “We build this catapult, put them on it, and send them…where ever it is Team Rocket blasts off to.”

“How’re we supposed to build a catapult?” asked Brock.

Ash rolled his eyes. “Duh, with wood,” Ash replied.

“Chuu,” said Pikachu, sweatdropping.

“Ash, neither one of us has any mechanical skills what-so-ever,” Brock added.

Ash sighed. “Brock, ladies love a man who’s good with a hammer…” he said. “It’s probably part of the Team Rocket Babe Magnent Method…”

Brock shook his head. “You can’t fool me, Ash. I’ve got the method memorized. First, work closely with the babe in question. Second, anything scares you, cling to her like a flaming wuss.”

“Flaming being the operative word,” muttered Ash.

“Pika,”nodded Pikachu.

“And someday, it’s going to work for me!” Brock declared, a look of determination in his face.

In a nearby clearing…

“All right,” said Jesse, holding up a crude drawing. “We build this gigantic crushing machine, find Ash and Gary, and grind their bones into a fine powder, easily straining the money that the second little wretch took from us.”

“This is them being crushed in the machine,” said James, holding up an equally crude drawing.

“And dis,” said Meowth, holding up an especially pathetic drawing of what looked like a massive eplosion, “is what will really happen.”

“What’s that?” asked James, pointing to the upper left hand corner.

“That’s us flying towards a very painful landing.”

Jesse and James glared at him. “Meowth, you are such a pessimist,” said Jesse.

“And you can’t draw either,” added James.

“Let’s just start buldin’ dis massive failure,” sighed Meowth.

Gary and Misty were in one of the back booths of Friendly’s. “Now, Articuno was almost impossible to catch,” said Gary. “But I finally got it.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Misty. “You really caught an Articuno?”

Gary nodded. “I named him Artie.”

Misty raised an eyebrow. “Named him…?”

“How hard is it to build a catapult?” asked Ash.

“Ash, do you know what I got in wood shop?” Brock asked.

“What?”

“Nothing, because I never took it!”

Ash sighed. “Brock, if Team Rocket can build a gigantic drill in fifteen minutes, I think we can build a catapult.”

Brock folded his arms across his chest. “How do we know they didn’t just steal the drill?” he asked.

“Because they couldn’t steal their way out of a paper bag! Now, Pikachu…” Pikachu’s ears perked up, expecting a battle command, “Find wood!”

Pikachu scowled. “Ka,” he said, trudging off towards the woods.

Cassidy made a feeble reach for his tail and received another nasty thunder-shock.

“Now, what are we going to make it out of?” asked Jesse. “I think we should go with metal.”

“We could steal one,” said James.

“You two couldn’t steal your way out of a paper bag,” said Meowth. “We’ll just use metal.”

“Great,” said Jesse. “Then it’s settled. You two will build it, and I’ll supervise.”

Pikachu returned, carrying a tiny armful of twigs. “That’s a good start,” said Ash, “But we’re going to need some more! Bulbasaur, I choose you!”

“Bulbasaur!” cried Bulbasaur, leaping out of his pokéball.

“Bulbasaur, Pikachu, find some more wood!” shouted Ash.

“Saur,” said Bulbasaur, grimacing.

“Ka,” added Pikachu.

“Why can’t you be a man?” asked Meowth while they were welding. “Stand up to your woman.”

“But she’s not my woman,” said James.

Meowth rolled his eyes. “Oh, I see. Then whose woman is she?”

“She’s not mine…”

“Respect her too much?” Meowth smirked at him.

“I’ll weld your mouth shut, you stupid cat!”

“You know, Misty told me the most interesting thing yesterday…”

James lowered his makeshift weapon. “What?”

Two paper fans hit them both in the head. “Less talking and more welding!” called Jesse from her beach chair.

“I think I know who Jesse and Cassidy’s dream guy was.” To Meowth’s surprise, James darted forward and grabbed him by the neck.

“Tell me, you wretched flea bag!”

Jesse lowered her sunglasses and looked over at them. “Meowth, what’ve you done now?” she asked.

“What’ve I done?” Meowth asked. “I’m the one being strangled!”

“Well, whatever it is, quit it,” said Jesse. She pushed her sunglasses back on and continued reading Seventeen. “I’ve got a quiz to take.”

“Give it to me when you’re done,” said James. He then turned back to Meowth. “Tell me!”

Ash looked at the moderate pile of twigs. He nodded. “This should be enough!” he said.

Butch and Cassidy had managed to get to their feet. “Do you think they have a chance of building that catapult?” whispered Cassidy. Butch shook his head. “Me neither. Let’s get out of here.”

As Butch and Cassidy ran back to their campsite, Ash began tying sticks together. “Brock, you wanna give me a hand with this?”

Jesse looked down at the magazine. On the “Is Your Hottie Hot For You?” quiz she’d scored –12. Since a negative score was impossible, she’d taken the quiz again and gotten 35 out of 30. “Stupid quiz,” she said, tossing her magazine to the ground. “How’s my gigantic crushing machine coming?”

“James is slowing the building process,” said Meowth, “by trying to crush my windpipe!”

“Meowth, I told you to stop…whatever you’re doing,” said Jesse. “All right, James, question #1—“

“Hold on a sec, Jesse,” said James. “Tell me right now!” he hissed at Meowth.

“It’s you, you numbskull!” screeched Meowth scratching him.

James stomped on him. “Enough of your mind games!” After a few good stomps, he smiled at Jesse. “Ready.”

“So if I don’t make master status, I figure I can always get a job with my grandfather,” said Gary. “I’ll be happy as long as I’m working with pokémon.”

“That’s so wonderful,” said Misty. “Most people just want to be pokémon masters and nothing else.”

Gary looked her in the eyes. “There’s more to life than being a pokémon master. I mean, you as a gym leader obviously know that pokémon job opportunities are extremely diverse.”

Misty nodded. “I don’t really do that much gym leading…”

“Well, someday,” Gary assured her. “You know, after I’ve earned all my badges, I’m thinking of interning at the Viridian City gym.”

“I didn’t know it was open,” said Misty.

“All right, question four,” said Jesse. “ ‘You and your crush have just finished work and have the rest of the afternoon off. Do you a) suggest going to a secluded cabin and confessing your long pent up feelings for each other, b)see a movie as an attempt to cop a feel but with your pokémon so it’s okay, or c)get coffee?”

James thought for a moment. “Realistically or best possible scenario?”

“Realistically.”

“B or C.”

Jesse jotted down his answer. “ ‘Question five. You and your crush are on a school picnic together when a rhydon attacks. Do you a)hide behind him, b)stand in front of him so the rhydon will attack you, or c)run like hell.’”

“That’s all the options?”

Jesse nodded. “I…umm..made up a d.”

“Which is?”

She blushed. “Hug him and wait for certain death.”

“D.” He squinted suspiciously at her as she wrote the answer down. “Who did you say your hottie was again?”

“I’m only telling you if you tell me.”

“Give me a break,” said Meowth as he put the finishing touches on the gigantic crushing machine.

“What’s question six?” asked James.

Jesse sighed. “ ‘It’s raining and you see your crush walking home without an umbrella. You a)loan him an umbrella and your phone number so he can “return it”, b)let him come in your house and give him some dry clothing to wear, or c)let him freeze. It’s his own damn fault if he doesn’t want to stop by your house.’” Jesse stopped. “Or d) let him in since he lives with you anyway.”

“D.”

“I would’ve said c,” said Meowth.

“You’re not taking the quiz,” said Jesse.

“What did you put?”

Jesse blushed, looking down at the magazine. “Uhmm, c,” she lied. “After all, a beautiful woman shouldn’t have to make the first move,” she added, glaring at James.

“A beautiful woman should also be able to tell when a move’s been made,” muttered James.

Jesse threw the magazine at him. “These things are stupid anyways,” she said.

“What did you get?”

“Negative 12 the first time and 35 the second time.”

“Dat’s impossible,” said Meowth. “What was dat letter you added worth?”

“Well,” said Jesse, giving James another significant glance, “based on my experience, negative three points.” Their eyes met.

“I think I lost a contact,” said James. “Back at the hotel.”

He and Jesse both stood up. “I’ll help you look,” said Jesse.

“You don’t wear contacts,” said Meowth.

“Yes, he does,” said Jesse, throwing a handful of coins at Meowth.

“You thought this was my natural eye color?” asked James, tossing a ball of yarn just for good measure. They both started running.

“How long do you think this will hold him?” asked Jesse.

“Negative three points?”

Jesse blushed. “I made it four the second time.”

“There!” said Ash, looking proudly at a pile of sticks. “Now, where’s Team Rocket?”

“They left,” said Brock without looking up from a magazine he was reading. He turned it over to look at the centerfold. “Nice…”

“You let them get away?” whined Ash.

“They uhh…must’ve blasted off,” said Brock.

“Oh. Good,” said Ash, looking smugly at the horizon. “Because I beat them!”

“Ooo, yes!” said Brock, probably not in reference to Ash’s bold declaration.

“So,” said Jesse, “Meowth’s not here…”

“Yeah,” said James, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. “We don’t have to put up with him…speaking…anymore…”

“You know,” said Jesse, “I think it’s time to add a new pokémon to my collection…I’ve always wanted a nidoking…” They both started giggling.

Ash, Brock, and Pikachu had started looking for Misty. All they managed to find was Meowth, playing with a coin next to a strange metallic object. “Have you seen Misty?” asked Ash.

“Shiny,” sighed Meowth.

“Stupid cat,” said Ash, snatching the coin. Meowth picked up one of the others and returned to his hypnotic state.

“Forget it, Ash,” said Brock. “She’s probably somewhere nearby.”

“I can’t sleep here tonight,” announced Cassidy. “We’re better than this.”

“What are we going to do then?” asked Butch. “We don’t have a key.”

Cassidy tossed her hair over her shoulder. “We’ll just kick Jesse and James out,” she said confidently.

“What if they’re…you know…” said Butch, grimacing at the thought.

“Ha! Those two?” She snorted. “They can’t even steal a Pikachu!”

Noticing his partner’s strange anger over this, he asked, “Excited about the awards?”

“At least I won’t be getting Worst Employee of the Year,” she said.

“Who are you going to vote for for best couple?”

“Us, of course. Aren’t you?” she glared at him.

“Ooo, a wild nidoking,” said Jesse, holding out her Pokédex. “I hope it doesn’t attack.” James leapt at her from behind the TV, knocking them both onto the bed. “Uh-oh, the wild nidoking attacked…which pokémon should I use?”

“Jynx,” said James.

Jesse smiled up at him. “Jynx, lovely kiss…”

“You’re voting for who?” snapped Cassidy.

Butch shrugged. “They just look so cute together,” he said.

Cassidy stood up, scowling. “We’re going back to the hotel right now,” she announced.

Butch sighed. “I don’t think I can move.”

“Don’t be such a wuss.”

“Cassidy, we took more of a beating than we ever have! I’m not moving.”

Cassidy sat back down, glaring at him. “Fine. But I’m not happy about this.”

Butch started scowling. He knew what that meant…

“Nidoking is paralyzed,” announced James, looking up at Jesse.

“What pokémon should I send out now?” asked Jesse. During the “battle,” their boots, gloves and jackets had ended up on the floor.

“How about the sexy raichu?”

Jesse giggled. “Ready to be thunder-shocked?”

As Meowth lay on his back, swatting at a ball of yarn, he started to notice that he was alone. He looked at the shiny coins and the ball of yarn. On the one hand, here he had shiny coins and a ball of yarn. If he started wondering where Jesse and James were, he’d have to look for them and not only leave the shiny coins and ball of yarn, but he didn’t think he’d be getting any more anytime soon. In the back of his mind he had a feeling that the humans were up to no good, but having to look at that wasn’t as nice as looking at balls of yarn and shiny coins. As he returned his full attention to the ball of yarn, he decided that being a pokémon could have its advantages. As a human, he might have been actually obligated to look for his teammates…

“Jesse, wait,” said James. “Something's not right…”

They both sat up. They were still mostly clothed. “You’re right,” said Jesse. She looked around. “How’d we end up on the floor?”

“I dunno.”

Jesse shrugged it off and looked at the door. “Meowth should’ve come in here and ruined things by now...Maybe something happened to him…”

“Maybe…”

They were silent for a few moments, thinking about the right thing to do. Since Meowth’s normal pattern of ruining their sex lives was broken, that meant that something could easily be wrong. On the other hand, this was a rare opportunity. Jesse and James whipped off their shirts in unison. “Prepared for trouble?” asked Jesse.

“Make it double, sexy raichu.”

“How can you think they’re cuter than we are?” asked Cassidy.

“I don’t know,” said Butch. “We just aren’t cute.”

Cassidy glared at him. “Well, if we’re not cute, it’s your fault!”

“My fault?”

“Listen to you! You sound like three forks stuck in a blender that’s been shoved in a garbage disposal!”

“At least I have decent hair.”

“I told you, that’s Jesse’s fault!”

Butch shook his head. “Everything’s Jesse’s fault, isn’t it, Cassie?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

When Meowth returned to the hotel he found Jesse and James watching TV on one of the beds, fortunately mostly clothed. As he tripped over James’ jacket, he shuddered. “Bzzzap,” said Jesse, poking James in the arm. They both started laughing.

Meowth shuddered again. “Do I even want to know what happened here?” he asked.

“None of your business,” said Jesse.

“James, what base?” asked Meowth.

“Second.” Jesse kicked him. “I mean…we weren’t doing anything.”

Meowth took a deep breath. “All right, I wanna know what the deal is,” he said. “When we found that picture of Jesse, you started with that nidoking crap, making it seem as though you two have been fooling around for quite some time. Then there was that disturbing little stunt you two pulled while he was dressed up like Cassidy in which it was mentioned that you two’ve only done that three times, right?”

Jesse and James were by this point blushing like there was no tomorrow. “What are you implying?” asked Jesse.

“Let me finish!” screeched Meowth. “So then after that little rare candy prank, you,” he said, looking at Jesse, “announced the terrible odds of you two hooking up, indicating a lack of any physical intimacy, despite previous remarks that would indicate such. Then, at da movies, you two were apparently afraid of Yoda, R2-D2, Jar Jar Binks, Jabba the Hutt, Anakin Skywalker, and Darth Maul despite the fact that you cheered every time Darth Sidious appeared.”

“Weren’t you afraid of Jar Jar Binks?” asked James innocently.

“Are you kidding? I was terrified! But has been previously remarked, I’m not trying to cop a feel with anyone on this team!” Meowth took another deep breath, trying to calm down. “All right, after dat was Halloween…now, hopefully, most of dat was cursed costume voodoo despite the fact that you made the costumes yourselves…” Jesse and James chose to look at everything except Meowth when he said that. “But dat little ‘brain-storming session’?” He shook his head in disgust. “Which brings us to the present, where you two apparently went out for coffee together…alone…”

“And did nothing,” said Jesse.

“Den when I get here, you two’re sitting pretty close in the hot tub…and later, that quiz…”

“What about it?” asked Jesse. “I got a negative score!”

“The first time,” muttered Meowth. “And now, I come back here, where you two have obviously been up to no good, despite earlier protests that you have not now nor will you ever hook-up!”

His teammates stared at him for a moment. “What’s your point?” asked Jesse.

“I just want your little romantic fumblings to have some continuity! Now,” he said rubbing his hands together, “let’s go crush those little brats!”

Jesse and James exchanged a glance. “What did you do with the machine?” asked Jesse.

Meowth shrugged. “Hid it out in the woods somewhere.”

Ash and Brock had managed to find Misty and were now dragging her back towards their campsite. “You make me sick,” said Ash.

“What?” asked Misty. “We were just talking!”

“You know Gary’s my rival!”

Misty rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Ash, he’s your pokémon rival. Am I pokémon?”

“No…”

Brock looked dejectedly as the ground. “I thought you liked me,” he said.

“Well, you made it quite clear that you had no interest in me and…” Misty shrugged. “Gary’s very sweet.”

Ash stared at her, before saying, “Gary Oak is the devil!”

“You two were getting along quite well before.”

“That was different. That was over potentially mutual enemies. Which we apparently don’t have…”

The ground started rumbling and shaking. “Speaking of enemies,” said Brock as they fell to the ground.

Team Rocket appeared, riding atop their giant crushing machine. “This is for trading us to your crappy rival!” announced Jesse.

“Who not only beat us, he took half of our money too!” whined James.

“One question,” said Meowth. “How do we get them into the gigantic crushing machine?”

Jesse blushed. “I guess I hadn’t thought of that…”

Pikachu, ever resourceful, had already scampered over to the latest Team Rocket weapon of destruction and was looking for a way to blow it up. He, of course, found the bright red, painfully obvious self-destruct button because he seemed to have a knack for finding the extremely coincidental flaw on most of Team Rocket’s gadgets.

“Could you lie down right in there?” asked Jesse.

“There’s an earth badge for you,” added James.

“Wow! An earth badge!” exclaimed Ash, running towards the crushing machine. Fortunately for him, Pikachu chose that moment to push the large red self-destruct button. The gigantic crushing machine naturally exploded, hurling Team Rocket skyward.

As they were flying towards another extremely painful landing, Jesse began giving both of her teammates a serious beat down. “Which one of you two idiots built the self-destruct button?” she screamed.

“I did it, all right?” snapped Meowth.

Jesse and James glared at him. “Don’t tell me you have a thing for Pikachu,” said James.

“It’s probably Misty,” said Jesse. “You know how he is about humans.”

“I’m just trying to speed up the inevitable!” screamed Meowth, scratching them both.

“We don’t need your help!” said Jesse.

“Yeah! We screw up just fine on our own!” added James.

As Ash watched his antagonists disappear, he turned to his friends. “Well, gang, I guess we really learned something today…”

“You’re a paranoid idiot who can’t admit when someone is better than you?” asked Misty before stopping to clasp her hands together and sigh, “Gary Oak…”

“We need to find more babes?” asked Brock.

Ash sighed. “No, we learned a valuable lesson about team work!”

His friends looked at him. “How does Pikachu doing your dirty work teach us any of that?” asked Misty.

Ash shrugged. “I just felt we should learn something from this…since we kind of didn’t any actual productive pokémon journey stuff…”

Misty rolled her eyes and Brock made his best possible effort. “Ash, we don’t have to learn something,” said Misty. “I mean, we’re all just here for the cute animals, right?”

Brock nodded. “It’s not like we’re fighting to save the universe from destruction or something. Then we should probably be learning something.”

Ash sighed, turning slightly blue. “Well, you learned something, right, Pikachu?”

Pikachu shook his head. “Pika chu pika pika pi,” he said. (“Only that I’m the only useful one here.”)

“Thanks, Pikachu. That’s really sweet,” snapped Ash, sitting down and starting to do some serious pouting.

Meanwhile, Cassidy was opening up some old emotional baggage. “And then she acts as if she’s so much better than I am,” Cassidy said, wiping her eyes with her hand. “Well, she’s not! I’m happy! I’m successful! I’m not sleeping in a ditch with a derranged transvestite!”

“Don’t worry, Cassidy,” said Butch. “It’s only a matter of time before Giovanni fires them anyway.”

“Actually,” said Cassidy, sniffling, “he told me the other day that he’s thinking of promoting them! And that’s not fair!”

Butch held his partner tightly, letting her cry on his shoulder. “Promoted to what? They don’t make half of what we do, but they’re already higher ranking…”

“Don’t remind me!” snapped Cassidy. “If we ever get that promotion, we are not wearing white.”

Back at the hotel room, Jesse and James were sitting together on one of the beds, talking softly. “It’s too bad I didn’t catch that nidoking,” said Jesse.

“You came really close,” said James.

“True.” Jesse started grinning. “But next time I’ll be sure to bring an ultra ball…”

James gave her a strange look. “I have no idea what that means.”

“Me neither. But it sounded good.”

“The lovely nidorina might be able to catch the nidoking though…”

“Well, I definitely learned something today,” said Meowth from the other bed. “You two are poké-perverts!”

“We thought you were asleep!” said Jesse, blushing.

“Oh, like dat makes it any better?” he picked up a pillow and started walking towards the bathroom. “I don’t think I want to be in the same room with such emotionally confused sexual miscreants.”

Jesse and James watched him leave. “Emotionally confused,” said Jesse. “We know exactly where we stand.”

“Right,” said James. “Where exactly is it?”

“I don’t have the slightest clue.”

James rubbed the back of his head with one hand. Now would probably be a good time to bring a few things out into the open. “Billy’s not real, is he?” he asked. That was not one of the things he’d had in mind.

“Of course he’s real,” snapped Jesse. “I have a picture of him, don’t I?”

“But he didn’t go to Pokémon Tech.”

“No,” Jesse reluctantly sighed.

“So why do you and Cassidy really hate each other?”

Jesse took a deep breath. “Well, there was this guy she really liked there, and he…never really noticed her—“

“What does that have to—“

Jesse whacked him with a pillow. “Will you let me finish? Anyway, she was just jealous because…” He’s just been my best friend since registration, I kissed him right in front of her, the year after that we lied on our roommate request sheets so we could room together, I’m currently spending every moment of the day with him…As usual, Jesse’s thoughts lost a significant something in the translation to speech. “Because I could get any guy I wanted, and she couldn’t.” Well, almost any guy. At least in the cheap thrills department she added to herself.

James raised an eyebrow at that. “Did you ever date anyone at Pokémon Tech?” he asked.

“Did you?”

“Umm…no.”

Jesse put her hands on her hips. “What’s your excuse?”

“What’s yours?”

“My standards were just too high,” Jesse said haughtily.

“Oh,” said James, his head drooping.

“What’s yours?”

He shrugged. “Well, for awhile I really liked this one girl, but then I started noticing someone else and she…really didn’t seem very interested in me.”

Acting on impulse, Jesse hugged him tightly. “Spider,” she lied.

Now that things are back to normal, will Ash be able to really get that Earth Badge? Will Jesse and Cassidy ever work things out between them? And what about that mysterious promotion that Cassidy mentioned? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Pokémon!

To be continued…