Disclaimer: I own Hitmonlee, the Kicking Fiend! And nothing else but the Sugar Happy Bears(which couldn’t be a more obvious rip off of the Care Bears…)

Rating: PG-13. Nothing makes this one “unaired” except for the fact that everyone swears like bandits.

Other: Titles are hard. Clay and Allison are now Zelda’s official over-used creations! Tune in next time when Clay and Allison will get hepped up on rare candy while watching Réawor! Violent protests go here

Ash had officially caught Réawor fever. Instead of training for his match against the Pokémon League, he’d decided that it would be far more beneficial to watch the Réawor marathon for six hours. By the seventh hour he’d probably be willing to start training. Maybe.

Misty and Brock stood in the doorway, glaring at him. “Ash, when are you actually going to get off your butt and do something?”

“Shh!” hissed Ash. “Team Mafia’s on!”

“Who?” asked Brock and Misty.

Ash rolled his eyes. “Only the coolest characters on the show,” he said. “Now be quiet. They’re going to say the Team Mafia oath.”

In a painfully embarrassing moment, Ash recited the oath along with the TV.

“To secure illegal arms for devastation,”

“To smuggle drugs into every nation,”

“To commit crimes with impunity”

“To secure the family’s unity,”

“Jeremy!”

“Jane!”

“Team Mafia, yield to all of our wishes,”

“Or tomorrow you’ll sleep with the fishes!”

Ash turned to his friends, half crazed with giddy delight. “Aren’t they so cool?”

Misty and Brock leaned closer. “Why is the other girl named Jeremy?” she asked.

“That’s a guy,” said Ash.

“He’s got…” Misty flushed.

“Gigantic ta-tas,” said Brock.

Ash shrugged. “That’s just a costume,” he said. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Besides, Jeremy and Jane are the perfect couple.”

“Yeah, sure, Ash,” said Brock. “Women really go for transvestites.”

“Maybe you should try it,” Misty suggested sweetly. A few more clandestine meetings with Gary Oak had taken care of her awkward crush on Brock.

Brock shook his head. “Sorry, Misty. From now on, I only follow the Team Rocket Babe Magnent Method.”

“Hasn’t that gotten you yelled at, beaten up, and arrested by four different Joys?”

Brock looked off into the distance with a look of stony determination. “So what?” he asked. “Tomorrow is another day!”

“Look at them!” said Ash, still trying to argue his case. “They’re all over each other!” When Misty shook his head, Ash went over to a nearby shelf. “Here, I’ll show you.”

“You’ve got this junk on tape?” asked Misty.

“How?” asked Brock. “We’ll been living in the woods for months!”

“My mom,” said Ash, popping the video into the VCR. He pressed pause and used the freeze frame button. “See? Notice how Jeremy has his arm around Jane’s waist while they’re posing?”

“So what?” asked Misty.

“All right, all right,” Ash said, fast forwarding, then doing the same thing again. “Now this one has to make you see it.”

“What?”

“They’re holding hands!”

Misty shrugged. “Jeremy just seems like a total fem-boy.”

Brock nodded. “She’s probably just his straight female friend.”

“What? No!” said Ash. “Look at them! The chemistry!”

Misty whacked him with a mallet. “Cartoons don’t have chemistry!!”

“Ash, straight women love hanging out with gay guys,” explained Brock. “They go shopping, talk about men, flirt…junk like that.”

“Jane looks kind of butch to me,” said Misty.

Ash leaned over to Brock. “I think Misty’s homoparanoid,” he said in a loud whisper.

“I am not!”

It was another bright beautiful morning in the make shift residence that had been established in the Viridian City gym. James was celebrating the morning the same way he always did: at noon and by waiting for Jesse to get out of the shower. He had started knocking every fifteen minutes. He checked his watch. Still a few minutes left. Suddenly, there was a scream from inside the bathroom. The door swung open. Jesse emerged, dripping wet, in a towel, and with her shampoo coated hair completely vertical. “Who’s running the dishwasher?” she yelled.

James looked at her. “We have a dishwasher?”

Jesse rolled her eyes. “Of course! We couldn’t just keep bringing the dishes that smelled too bad back to Headquarters!”

“I thought it was a good idea…”

“It was. But people were starting to notice. Now go tell that stupid cat to turn off the dishwasher!!”

Meowth entered. “Dishwasher’s not on,” he said. “You’re probably just out of hot water because you’ve been in the shower for an hour and a half!”

“Hour and fifty three minutes,” James corrected him.

“Besides, I’d really appreciate it if you both took a nice, long cold shower,” said Meowth, smiling brightly.

His teammates glared at him. “Cold showers are for psychos,” said Jesse, turning back into the bathroom.

Meowth snickered. “You’re right, Jesse.” He held up that day’s copy of the newspaper. “You’re normal. Not like this girl on page two of the personals who, and I’m paraphrasing here, enjoys petty theft and whose turn-ons include drag queens and pokémon roleplaying…in that way.”

Jesse snatched the paper from him. “Give me that!” she snapped. She quickly read the ad. “Meowth,” she said scornfully, “it says ‘transvestites.’”

James peered over her shoulder. “What’s her number?” he asked. Jesse hit him with the newspaper.

“Yeah, Jesse,” said Meowth. He took the paper back. “Wait a minute…” he said. “You didn’t write dis?”

“Of course not,” said Jesse. “Personals are for trash.”

“How many other girls can there be with red hair, blue eyes, and disgusting interests?” asked Meowth, staring at the ad in shock.

“Just tell me her number!” whined James. Jesse glared at him. “What? It’s not like I’m seeing anyone!”

Jesse held up her fist. “You’re going to be seeing stars if you don’t shut up!”

“Dis doesn’t make any sense…” said Meowth. “Dis girl’s exactly like Jesse…only her phone number’s wrong…”

“That’s nothing like me,” said Jesse, getting ready to stomp on Meowth’s head. James started sneaking into the bathroom.

Meowth rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. Dis chick even put down her name as ‘J,’” Meowth sighed. “So unless James is taking dis cross dressing thing a bit farther than we thought…”

They both jumped as the bathroom door slammed shut. “James, open the door or I’m going to kill you!” screamed Jesse, starting to pound on the door.

“Jesse, I have to wash my hair!”

“That’s it! I’m cutting your lines in today’s plan!” she said before stomping off towards the kitchen sink to wash the shampoo out of her hair.

Meowth sat down on the floor, still utterly confused.

“Who’s that?” asked Misty.

“That’s Megan, Adam’s girlfriend,” explained Ash.

Misty snorted. “She is so too good for him.”

“I hate Adam,” agreed Ash. “He’s such a moron. But after Jeremy and Jane finally hook up…” Ash sighed happily before continuing, “they’ll kick the crap out of him…”

“What exactly are they trying to do?” asked Brock.

“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Ash.

“No,” said Brock and Misty.

“I know they’re in some kind of international crime ring…but…” Misty shrugged. “It doesn’t make any sense. They don’t steal pokémon or anything.”

“Misty, they don’t have pokémon in Réaworland!” said Ash. “Duh!”

“Chharrbok,” said Arbok.

“Whee-zing,” added Wheezing.

Meowth looked up, glaring at them. “I don’t know how you got out of your pokéballs, but I don’t want to hear dis,” he snapped. “Get a room!” Arbok and Wheezing slithered and hovered away. “I still can’t figure this out…” He turned towards Jesse who was standing in front of the bathroom door, frying pan held over her head. “Do you have any evil clones?”

“James, I’ve got donuts,” Jesse said sweetly.

“Real donuts, or rice balls?”

“Umm…real ones!” said Jesse.

“I can’t, I’m naked!”

“Then put some clothes on and get out here!”

“Why?”

“Because…we need to…come up with a plan to capture Pikachu!”

“Remember, our special effects budget’s been cut,” said Meowth.

“What?” asked James, emerging in a bathrobe.

Jesse clobbered him. “And that’s my bathrobe!” she added, giving him another good whack.

“You want it back?”

“No!” screamed Meowth, covering his eyes. “Hasn’t my morning already been bad enough?”

“Ash, remember a little thing called training for the Pokémon League?” asked Misty, looking extremely peeved.

“Misty…I’ve only seen this episode twice!” whined Ash. “And Team Rocket’s out there!”

“Does Team Rocket make you feel bad, Ash?”

Ash nodded. “Now you’re starting to understand!”

“Well, imagine how much worse you’re going to feel when the Elite Four kick the crap out of you!!” Misty, screamed.

“I think we should just screw Pikachu—“

“Your kind of thing huh?” asked Meowth, nudging Jesse.

After punching him into the ceiling, Jesse continued. “As I was saying,” she said. “I think we should scre—forget about Pikachu and start selling counterfeit leaf stones again.”

“Ooo! That’s a good idea!” said James. “We didn’t even have to pay what’s her face back!”

“Most of our profits did go into medical bills though,” muttered Jesse.

“What about your actual assignment?” asked Meowth from above them.

Jesse shrugged. “It’s a job resources supplement. If it’ll make you feel better, we can tell the Boss we slept in.”

“We did sleep in.”

“Whatever.”

“Hello?” called a voice from the actual fighting area of the gym. “Is the gym open?”

Jesse and James sighed. “I thought we were out of Pallet Town brats,” said Jesse.

“Let’s just suck miserably and get it over with…” sighed James.

“Aren’t you a little old to be earning badges?” asked Jesse once they were facing the challengers.

The boy and girl turned to each other and smirked. “You’re right,” said the girl, tossing her purple hair over her shoulder.

“We’re here to earn something else,” added the boy.

They quickly ripped off their street clothes, revealing black Team Rocket uniforms. “Cold hard cash!” they finished in unison.

“Do we know you?” asked Jesse.

“Christmas party last year,” said the girl. “I think we ran into you over by the bar.”

“You were really wasted,” added the guy.

“His fault,” said Jesse and James, to Meowth.

“But allow us to re-introduce ourselves,” the girl continued.

“Clay!”

“Allison!”

“You call that a pose?” asked Jesse, wrinkling her nose at them.

Allison glared at her, putting her hands on her hips. “Well, while you two were busy writing a motto and working on your dance steps, we actually caught pokémon.”

“Hi, James,” said Clay, winking.

“Umm…hi,” James said, starting to feel confused.

Allison nudged her partner. “Not now, we’ve got work to do!”

Jesse smiled at Clay and Allison. “Look, I’m sure you can just tell the Boss that we’re very, very close to capturing—“

“Oh, Giovanni didn’t send us,” said Allison.

“Den what’re you doing here?” asked Meowth.

Clay and Allison exchanged a glance, smiling. Then they both pulled out their official Team Rocket issue whips. “We needed some extra money,” said Allison. “You can understand that.”

“Of course,” said Jesse, as she and James hugged each other and waited to die.

“I’m really sorry,” said Clay, looking at James. “You won’t hold this against me, will you?” he added as he and Allison cracked their whips.

“Probably!” snapped James as Allison’s whip wrapped around him and Jesse.

Clay pouted as his whip captured Meowth. He made a cat noise.

Allison rolled her eyes. “Come on, we’ve got work to do!”

“Good thing Arbok and Wheezing are loose,” Jesse said to James.

“Oh good! Maybe when they faint they’ll fall on Clay and Allison!” James replied.

“I don’t think dey want to be disturbed right now,” said Meowth.

“What?” asked Jesse and James.

“Your pokémon seem to be getting along quite well…”

“How?” asked Jesse. “Arbok is a snake and Wheezing is…ummm…round…”

“Ohhh, it’s the one where the Godfather gets really mad and has Jeremy and Jane put in cement shoes and they think they’re going to die and…” Ash sighed happily. “It’s so romantic!”

“How touching,” said Misty. “If you need us, we’ll be practicing.”

“Have fun,” said Ash. “Besides, Team Rocket’s bound to come in and shoot out the TV or something.”

Jesse, James, and Meowth soon found themselves in the back of an ugly grey van. Clay and Allison stood in front of them, smirking. “Actually, we are from the Boss,” said Allison.

“You’ve been permanently reassigned,” said Clay.

Jesse and James looked at each other(which wasn’t hard since they were still tied up facing each other) Before any confessions could start, Allison added, “To Team Rocket’s genetic engineering labs…as the experiments!”

“We have genetic engineering labs?!” screamed Jesse and James, holding each other even tighter.

Clay and Allison started laughing. “No, we just like to tell people that,” laughed Allison. “If you could see the looks on your faces right now!”

“I’m sorry, babe, but it is funny,” said Clay with a limp wristed wave of his hand.

“But seriously,” said Allison, “we were actually sent here to seduce you…then kill you!”

“Aaaah!!”

“Kidding!” said Clay. He and Allison started laughing again. “We’re really working under a private employer right now.”

“Who? Dr. Kevorkian?” snapped Jesse.

“No, we’re being completely serious,” said Allison. “We have no idea what’s going to happen to you after we drop you off.”

“But don’t worry,” said Clay, placing one hand over his heart. “She’s just the sweetest thing. Very polite.”

“Always gracious.”

“A bit old school…”

James looked at his partner. “We’re dead,” he announced, starting to laugh hysterically.

“This employer of theirs sounds like a pushover,” said Jesse. Had she been able to move her arms she would’ve cracked her knuckles.

“Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead…”

Allison and Clay pulled out three blindfolds. “But just to keep things interesting,” said Allison.

“I’ll do it,” offered Clay, giving James another wink.

Jesse, James, and Meowth soon found themselves being dragged up a flight of stairs. After a conversation between Clay and Allison and their employer, their blindfolds were removed. “Have fun,” said Allison, taking back her whip.

“Call me,” said Clay, taking back his. “I’m in the directory.”

“Let’s go,” said Allison, dragging him back to the van.

“Ah’m so glad you could make it, sugah,”

James started screaming. Jesse and Meowth looked up. “Of course,” sighed Jesse, standing up. “You’d better prepare for trouble, bimbo.”

Jessebelle snapped her fan shut. “Actually, Ah was hoping that Ah could have a word with you before any nasty bickering takes place. Shall we?” asked Jessebelle, nodding towards the next room.

Jesse started to follow, but James grabbed her arm. “Be careful,” he said.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “She’s not that tough. Besides, I still have Lickitung.”

Jesse left, leaving James and Meowth alone in the room. “Dis is like the Patty Duke show gone horribly, horribly wrong,” said Meowth.

“So, what exactly is your secret, sugah?” asked Jessebelle, sitting down.

Jesse sat down directly across from her. “My secret?” she asked.

“Ah just decided that it was time to find out why my fiancé decided to come with you when the only major difference between us is that Ah have money.”

Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you’re an uptight, selfish, lazy, idiotic bi—“

“And what exactly does that make you?”

“I’m not uptight, lazy, or idiotic.” As if running into Cassidy again wasn’t bad enough…thought Jesse. All I need now is Giselle and that stupid ghost, and it’ll be a pleasant rival party. Something suddenly occurred to her, and she leapt to her feet. “Why did you want me out of the other room? This is a distraction, isn’t it?”

Jessebelle yawned. “Don’t be so over dramatic,” she said. “James’ parents aren’t here right now.”

“Dead again?”

“Well, what now?” asked Allison.

“Any other odd jobs we could pick up?” asked Clay.

Allison shook her head. “We were lucky to get that one.”

“Do you think James is the type to hold a grudge?”

“Give it up, Clay,” Allison sighed.

“I’ve decided that this is all Jesse’s fault,” said James.

“How? It’s your psycho family!” snapped Meowth.

“Jesse was the one who dragged me here the last time,” explained James, “otherwise she wouldn’t have known I was still alive.” He looked at Meowth. “But you helped, so it’s your fault too.”

“Well, if you hadn’t joined Team Rocket, the rest of us wouldn’t be involved in this mess,” said Meowth.

“If you hadn’t joined Team Rocket, Jesse might not have been able to drag me here,” said James.

“I’m a pokémon! I didn’t exactly have a choice!”

James rolled his eyes. “Oh, please! You could’ve left anytime you wanted to! Do you even have a pokéball?”

“None of your business! And why did you join, genius?” James was silent for a moment. “The parties? Because that was the best Jesse could come up with.”

“What language is this in?” asked Misty.

“I had it imported,” said Ash. “They didn’t show this one here because Team Mafia shoot a bunch of people.”

“Wonderful.”

“It’s really cool!”

“Ash, I’m really disappointed in you,” said Brock. “You wasted what, 30 bucks, just for some cheap gratuitous violence? You should’ve used that money for something good, like…”

“The episode where Jane and Megan enter a stripping contest?” asked Ash.

“Exactly!”

“I thought this was a lame kids show,” said Misty.

“It is,” said Ash.

“Now,” Jessebelle was saying, “what is it you want more than anything else in the world?”

Jesse bit her tongue before she could say the first thing that came to her mind. After an obvious hesitation, she answered, “Money.”

Jessebelle started laughing. “We both know you’re lying, but still…how would you like to switch places?”

“No,” Jesse said, getting up again. “I wasn’t born yesterday.”

“Then why on earth did you agree to come in here?” Jessebelle asked sweetly. “Vileplume, stun spore!”

“I’m sure you’ve already figured it out,” said James.

“No, I’m clueless,” said Meowth. “You two are more suited to McDonald’s or something.”

“We’d make it to assistant manager, then Ash would start eating there and we’d end up in the fry cooker every other day,” muttered James. “Our manager would probably have told us to steal his Happy Meal toys or something.”

“You’re stalling.” Meowth thought about his earlier comment. “I guess you guys could’ve made it at Target too.” He snickered. “Customer service, blast off at the speed of light…”

“Shop here because the price is right.”

“Nice. But quit stallin’!”

Jesse watched as Jessebelle pulled a duplicate of her uniform out of a closet. “You are sick,” she spat.

“Just determined,” Jessebelle answered. She laid the uniform on a chair and started brushing her hair straight back. “You and James aren’t the only ones who’d like to get their hands on that money…and this,” she said as she picked up a curling iron, “looks like the only way Ah’m going to get it.” She took out her earrings and replaced them with large green ones. “Ah’m afraid Ah underestimated you, Jenny.”

“It’s Jesse.”

“Whatever. But when Ah saw you here, Ah noticed how you treat my fiancé.” Jessebelle’s eyes narrowed. “Hitting, insults…and yet he chose you over more money than you could ever imagine.”

“I have a good imagination,” said Jesse through clenched teeth. Unfortunately, her good imagination was proving to be no help at getting out of her current situation. Throwing a pokéball, hitting Jessebelle over the head, digging a hole, and using a net all required movement. “You’re not going to get away with this!”

Jessebelle laughed. “Ah already have.”

Jesse sighed. “God, that sounded stupid…and you won’t be able to imitate me well enough. There’s no way you could know some of the things I do…”

“You honestly think Ah’ll have to prove Ah’m you?” asked Jessebelle. “If Ah go out there looking and acting like you, who would question me?”

“C’mon, tell me,” said Meowth. “You two could probably have—“

“You wanted to know why I joined, right?” asked James.

“Yeah…”

“You keep saying ‘you two’.”

Meowth threw up his paws in disgust. “You can’t expect me to think of you two as separate people all the time!" he said.

“How’re you going to capture Pikachu?” asked Jesse.

“Rubber gloves and a good distraction,” Jessebelle replied.

“That won’t work,” said Jesse. “Eventually you’re going to have to fight for it. How are you going to do that?”

Jessebelle leaned forward and took the one pokéball Jesse had with her. “Arbok, isn’t it?” Jessebelle asked. She picked up the uniform and went into the adjacent bathroom to change.

Jesse took a deep breath. The stun spore was starting wear off, but she could still only move her fingers. The way things were going, she’d probably be trapped until Jessebelle sent out Lickintung. Jesse snickered. That would be a moment worth seeing…

“Ash, how’s it going in there?”

“Fine, Mom!” said Ash, quickly changing the channel to something educational.

“Is that program helping?”

“Uh-huh.”

“That’s good. If you need me I’ll be in the garden!”

Ash let out a sigh of relief and quickly changed the channel.

“If you must know, I joined because Jesse wanted to,” James finally admitted.

Meowth snickered. “You joined a terrorist group for a girl you won’t even admit to being interested in?”

James glared at him. “And what about you? How many times have you been shot down again?”

“You’re just lucky that you don’t have an evolved form,” muttered Meowth.

“You could just evolve…”

“I told you, dere’s nothing wrong with what I am!” screeched Meowth, scratching James across the face.

“Prepare for trouble,” said Jessebelle as she reentered.

Jesse tried not to stare at her. It was like looking into a very smug and triumphant mirror. “You don’t look a thing like me,” she said. “And how are you going to explain why Jessebelle doesn’t come back out?”

Jessebelle held up a smoke bomb. “Barely escaped,” she said. “You might be able to walk again by the time the maid comes in. If you can’t, you’ll probably have a great deal of explaining to do. Now, before I have to use any of Vileplume’s other attacks, why don’t you give me a refresher course on a few things?”

“Like what?”

“We’ll start with the motto.”

Meowth looked away for a moment, trying to regain his composure. “And do you know what it’s like to have your heart ripped out of your chest? Again? For a Persian?”

“No…not really…” said James. “Especially not the Persian part…”

“The thing dat really gets me is the apathy,” Meowth continued.

“I hate the apathy!” He paused. “It’s awfully quiet in there…”

Meowth shrugged. “Jesse can take care of herself,” he said. “She doesn’t know what real pain is…”

“Is real pain waking up in the morning and realizing that not only did you get a strange tattoo while drunk but there’s lipstick on your pillow that isn’t yours and that you’ve also got several hickeys from god knows where? And with hair that’s about a foot shorter.”

Meowth thought for a moment. “It’s pretty close,” he said.

“She knows.”

Jesse repressed a smile as feeling returned to her arms. She just needed to stall a bit longer…Fortunately the motto learning process had been hindered a great deal by “accidentally” telling Jessebelle the wrong lines…

“Which is it?” asked Jessebelle, her hands on her hips. “Denounce the goodness or denounce the evils?”

“Evils,” said Jesse. “Now say it again.”

“To infect the world with—“

“Wrong.”

“You just told me it was…” Jessebelle took a deep breath. Her poise and reserve were starting to wear thin. Right now all she really wanted was to break several Ming vases over Jesse’s head.

“Was dat the time Jesse woke up with hair like yours?” asked Meowth. James nodded. “Dat was da funniest week of my entire life.” James hugged himself and started shuddering. “My favorite part was when you first saw her and just started screaming.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I wake up with the mother of all hangovers and find myself next to my partner the living mirror…why would that bother me?”

“Exactly,” said Meowth. “I see meowths dat look like me all the time. What’s the big deal?” He paused to think about this. “Were dose hickeys from you?”

“Yes.”

“Before or after the—“

“I don’t remember.”

Meowth nodded. “Now I can see how it would be weird.”

“Perfect,” said Jesse. She moved one of her legs slightly. “Anything else?”

Jessebelle nodded. “Arbok’s moves?”

“You really haven’t done that much research, have you?”

“Ah think coming up with a complete white Team Rocket uniform makes up for not knowing about your pathetic pokémon.”

Jesse sighed. “All right, I’ll give you that much…how did you get it?”

“For a bit of extra money I had Clay and Allison break into your room at Rocket Headquarters.”

Note to self thought Jesse when this is over, find Clay and Allison and beat them senseless.

“So what’s da tattoo of?” asked Meowth, quickly changing the topic.

“Half an R,” said James.

“Where’s the other…never mind.” Meowth gave his teammate an odd look. “Please tell me it’s on the arm.” James shook his head. “Ankle?”

James shook his head. “Do you really want to know?”

“Not anymore I don’t.” Meowth shuddered.

Ash stood up for his mid-episode stretch break. Misty and Brock entered, looking seriously freaked out. “Team Rocket ever show up?” he asked.

Misty shook her head. “It was just…weird. We saw two people who might have been them…”

“And?”

“They kind of ran away when Brock tried to rip the hair off of one of them…”

“I thought she was a man!” said Brock.

“Can I ask you something?” asked Jesse, holding a smoke bomb tightly in one hand.

“What?”

“How fast can you run?”

Jessebelle’s eyes narrowed. They both threw down their smoke bombs and hauled ass towards the door.

James and Meowth looked at the smoke spilling out of the door. “Think we’ll be able to run away without a pokémon battle?” asked James. They both stood up.

Meowth snorted. “Think we’ll ever catch Pikachu?”

“You know I don’t have any of my pokémon with me, right?”

“Wait, what about that Growlithe of yours?”

“The one they keep locked up?”

Meowth swore loudly. “At least Jesse’s still got Lickitung…”

The door opened, and two figures ran out, looked at each other, and froze in place.

James and Meowth stared open mouthed at the two Jesses. “I’m in big trouble…” James said to Meowth.

“Why? Because if you choose the wrong one you’ll end up tied up in your basement?” asked Meowth.

“No, because Jesse’ll kill me if she finds out I can’t tell them apart…”

Meowth looked closely at the two Jesses, both of whom were glaring at each other. “Any guesses?”

“Ummm...no.”

“Just ask something only I would know!” snapped the Jesses.

“Dere’s always dat tattoo…” suggested Meowth.

“No!” shouted James and both Jesses.

“Just where exactly is it?” asked Meowth. “Perverts.”

“It’s nice outside,” said Misty.

“Unngh…” Ash replied.

“It’s sunny, but there’s a nice breeze too,” added Brock.

“Guys, can you just wait until a commercial to tell me all this junk?” asked Ash. “I’m missing important plot information!”

“What plot?” asked Misty. “Team Mafia tries to mess up Adam’s life, Adam gets rid of them, group hug, everyone goes home happy. It’s crap!”

“For your information, I can relate to it.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. For example, I’m cool person who’s frequently thwarted by mindless idiots who get lucky.”

Misty, Brock, and Pikachu sighed. “Ash, you wouldn’t know thwarted if it bit you on the ass,” said Misty.

“And aren’t you the one who’s always strangely lucky?” asked Brock.

“That’s it,” said Ash. “I want you both out of my house!”

James was looking at his partner and her duplicate. “You know, in retrospect, we probably shouldn’t have told so many things to those brats,” he said to Meowth.

“Hindsight.”

“Yeah.”

“But there has to be something that only the three of us would know…”

“I’ve got it!” James turned to the Jesses. “Spell your name.”

“J-e-s-s-e.”

“J-e-s-s-i-e.”

“So which one is it?” Meowth asked James.

James shrugged. “I don’t have a clue. I was just curious.”

Meowth resisted the urge to scratch him. “Then maybe you should ask something else!” He thought for a moment. “Something embarrassing.”

“Because no one else would know?”

“Because I’m starting to get bored.”

After stomping on Meowth several times, James back to the Jesses. “What’s the best way to catch a nidoking?” he asked. Both of them started blushing.

Meowth stared, feeling extremely weirded out. “You player!” he said to James, extending his claws. “This is even sicker than the other stuff!”

The Jesse on the left pulled a frying pan out of thin air. “You have thirty seconds to explain how she knows about that,” she said.

“Jesse!” James exclaimed, holding his arms wide open. “And I have no idea!”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” said the Jesse on the right, pulling out a pokéball. “How about a battle?”

Meowth and James looked at the Jesse on the left. “She stole my pokémon,” she said.

“Don’t believe her,” said the Jesse on the right. She threw the pokéball. “Go, Arbok!”

“Arbok?” asked James and Meowth.

Lickitung emerged. “Arbok’s at home,” said the Jesse on the left, snatching the pokéball from the other’s hand. “Lickitung, get her!”

While Lickitung was giving Jessebelle a stern thrashing, Jesse walked over to her partner. “How does she know about…that?” she asked.

“Tattoo check!” said Meowth.

“No,” said Jesse, stomping on his head with James.

“Later?” asked James.

“If you can’t tell me how she knows—“

“I really don’t know!”

Jessebelle kicked Lickitung away and managed to get to her feet. “Vileplume!” The little plant pokémon hopped in.

Jesse and James instinctively grabbed each other. “Are you sure you don’t have any idea?” asked Jesse.

“None, I swear!”

“Before you attack, could you at least tell us how you know about dat nidoking deal?” asked Meowth.

“Ah had a brief liason with the gardener. Now, Vileplume, stun spore!”

“Before you leave,” said Ash, “I want to show you something that proves I’m right about Jane and Jeremy.” He stood up and walked over to his computer. “I downloaded this from this great Mafiamore site I found on the web.”

“Mafia what?” asked Misty.

“It’s a combinaiton of Mafia and amore, which means love,” said Ash as he opened the file. “This is a clip of every Mafiamore moment from last season. It’s about two and a half hours long(If anyone knows about a real life equivalent, please tell me!--Zelda).”

“And how long did this take to download?”

“Three days. But it was worth it!” He pushed pause. “See! Look at this!”

Misty looked. “If I was about to be shot by all those gang members, I’d probably need a hug too,” she said.

“But notice how Jane’s hands and arms are pressed against Jeremy’s chest, showing that he’s holding her,” said Ash, pointing at the computer screen. “You can’t tell me that’s just fear!”

Vileplume was a bit confused. Since its master looked exactly like one of the people it was supposed to stun spore, it decided to compromise. That was why Jessebelle was currently paralyzed along with Team Rocket and delicately chastising her pokémon. “Vileplume, you’re a sweet little thing, but bless your heart, you really screwed up this time.”

“You know,” Meowth said to Jesse and James, “when I asked her dat question, we were supposed to run away before things got any worse!”

“But we wanted to know,” said James.

“Besides, what can happen?” asked Jesse. “None of us can move.”

“What about the fact that we’re sort of on enemy territory?” screamed Meowth. “Now pretend I just scratched you.”

“And pretend that we just punched you into the ceiling,” said Jesse.

“But, Jesse, we already did that today,” said James.

“Fine. Pretend we just stomped on you.”

Jessebelle glared at them. “It’s a good thing Ah’ve built up an immunity…” she said. “And once Ah’m able to move again…” Her brow furrowed. “You two could at least pretend to struggle!”

Meowth rolled his eyes. “Oh, day are, dey’re just too paralyzed for you to see them twitching,” he said sarcastically.

“This one, the full body hug in which both Jeremy and Jane have their arms around each other, is generally used in situations of pure terror,” said Ash.

“Ash, no one should put this much thought into a cartoon,” said Misty.

“Misty, it’s more than just a cartoon!” said Ash. “It’s a way of life, just like The Lion King and, to a lesser extent, Zubatman the Animated Series.”

Misty sighed. “I’m going to go over to Gary’s,” she announced. “He said he wanted to see my Pokédex.”

Ash’s fists clenched. “He what?”

“Ash, what’s wrong with you? He just wants to know what pokémon I have!” Misty rolled her eyes as she left. “He’s going to snap any day now,” she said to herself.

“Stun spore’s an amazing thing,” said Jesse. “Before, it wore off in almost no time. But now…”

“How’s the immunity coming?” James asked Jessebelle.

Jessebelle glared at him. “James, darling, once I can move again, you are going to regret that.”

“How long do you think we’re going to be stuck like this?” asked Jesse. Neither she nor James were showing the standard signs of someone struggling to fight off stun spore, i. e. twitching slightly.

“Until whoever wrote dis lousy episode realizes dat it’s not funny anymore,” said Meowth, using his uncanny ability to realize that they were in a cartoon.

The four frozen life forms pondered this for a moment. “What are we going to do until then?” asked James.

“Where’s that wretched butler?” hissed Jessebelle. “He should have come in here to conveniently rescue me by now!”

James snorted. “If I know him, he’s probably passed out in a pool of his own vomit in front of the liquor cabinet.”

Jessebelle sighed. “Good help is so hard to find,” she said.

“I know!”

“James,” Jesse said through clenched teeth, “you’re supposed to be on our side…”

“I am! I’m just bitching about the help!”

Jesse’s arm quivered slightly as she attempted to slap James. “I just hit you,” she finally told him.

“With what?”

“Hmmm…frying pan.”

“Direct hit across the face or does it kind of graze the top of my head?”

Jesse had to think for a moment about that one. “Grazes.”

James nodded. “All right…my eyes just turned into spirals and I’ve half fallen to the ground.”

“There’s a set protocol for this?” Jessebelle asked.

“Team Rocket takes getting a beating very seriously,” said Meowth.

The humans stared at him. “Is he being sarcastic?” asked Jessebelle.

Jesse and James looked at each other, which was hard since they had been paralyzed while staring at Jessebelle in fearful anticipation. “I can’t tell,” said Jesse. In a whisper she added, “If anyone in your family comes home, act like I captured you.”

“Uhh, Jess…”

They both looked down as much as they could. Jesse’s hands were pressed against James’ chest. “Act like it anyways!” Jesse snapped. “We just have to make them think I’m her!”

“Oh, baby,” sighed Brock. “Ash, I was wrong. This is some high quality television.”

Ash nodded. “Kaaa,” said Pikachu, drooling slightly. They were watching the episode of Réawor where Jane and Megan enter a stripping contest. It was all in a foreign language, so no one could understand a word of it, but the characters were now speaking a universal language, one understood by testosterone riddled males every where.

“The only way this could be any better is if we actually knew what was going on,” said Ash.

“Who cares what’s going on?” asked Brock.

Just then Misty stomped in. “Gary Oak is a disgusting pervert, and I never want to speak to him again,” she announced.

“I told you so,” said Ash.

Misty picked up the video box and hit him in the back of the head with it. “At least he doesn’t watch garbage like this!”

“Allison,” said Clay, looking up from that week’s Crime Can Pay. “I’m feeling kind of guilty about this…”

Allison rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to lose money over your stupid crush,” she said. "Besides, everything should work out..."

“Oh, I didn’t say anything about giving our new employer her money back…”

Allison sighed. “Fine. But this is the last time…”

“I think I can move!” said Meowth. “Wait…no…just wishful thinking.”

“We should probably start carrying potions,” said Jesse.

“Not that we could reach them now,” sighed James.

“Shouldn’t those pests have wandered in here by now?” asked Jesse. Her foot felt like it was asleep.

“Pests?” asked a voice.

“I’m hurt,” added another.

Team Rocket sighed. “Wonderful,” said Jesse as Clay and Allison appeared. “Who’s paying you to ruin our lives now?”

“We decided to do a good deed,” said Allison, giving Clay a significant look.

“For once,” added Clay, smiling at James.

There was an awkward silence. “We can’t move, ya morons!” screeched Meowth.

“We’re not just standing here for fun,” snapped Jesse. “Now throw some paralyze heal on us or something!”

Allison pulled Clay aside. “See that?” she asked him, pointing to Jesse and James. “Now are you still going to insist on playing the hero?”

Clay pulled out a vial of paralyze heal. “Might as well,” he said, sighing. “We did come all the way back here…”

“Ash, something’s bothering me…” said Brock.

“Jeremy’s outfit?” asked Misty.

“No…but speaking of cross-dressers, where’s Team Rocket?”

Ash shrugged. “Who cares?” he asked.

“Don’t you want to stop them?” Misty asked.

“Misty, hello! Réawor marathon!”

“As much as we’d love to thank you for rescuing us,” said Jesse as she, James, and Meowth stretched.

“You were the ones who got us into this in the first place,” James finished.

“So what should we do with her?” asked Meowth, pointing to Jessebelle.

“Just leave her there,” said Jesse. “If she’s lucky, she’ll be able to move before the maid comes in.”

Jessebelle glared at her rival. “You’re going to pay for this,” she threatened. “Ah’m going to get all four of you…”

“I just hope you’re good at digging,” said Jesse as she and the other members of Team Rocket headed towards the window. She suddenly reached up and rumbled her hair until it was hanging around her shoulders. “Vileplume,” she said. “Teach that nasty rocket girl a lesson about respect.”

“That was just mean,” said James once they were on the ground and running back towards the gym. They looked at each other and started laughing.

“Besides,” Ash continued, “if they were doing something evil, I’d probably have stumbled into them…as usual. And been obligated to waste my time with a bunch of spunky hero crap…”

“Oh, yeah, like you don’t enjoy it?” asked Misty.

“Oh, what the hell!” said Jesse once they were on the same old nondescript road sans Clay and Allison. “Let’s break into a Pokécenter!”

“Haven’t we suffered enough today?” asked James.

“Might as well give it a shot,” sighed Meowth. “We all know da worst dat can happen.”

“You are so spineless,” said Allison, briefly turning her attention away from the road to glare at her partner’s dazed expression.

“I think underneath all that bitterness and grudge holding they really appreciated it,” said Clay, sighing happily. “I can tell that James is the sweet sensitive type…”

Allison shook her head. “Did you notice the complete and total lack of space between him and Jesse?”

“I’m sure that was just a nasty effect of stun spore.”

“You have to be in a certain position to be paralyzed in it.” Clay started pouting.

Several hours later, Giovanni was interrupted from his afternoon massage by a phone call. “Who is it and what do they want?” he snarled at the generic Rocket secretary.

“It’s Jesse and James, sir.”

“Wonderful,” said Giovanni, walking towards the phone. His persian followed. “Let me guess…you were this close to doing something right for a change when this Ash Ketchum boy appeared by an astonishing coincidence and kicked your asses…and for some reason, you both seem to be very happy about this.”

“Not quite,” said Jesse, holding up a dratini while James held up a porygon.

Giovanni’s jaw dropped. He quickly regained his composure. “Excellent work. Transfer them via PC to me as soon as…”

“Do you want the rest?” asked Jesse as she, James, and Meowth each held up an armful of pokéballs.

“Meowth meow me,” said Meowth, smiling at Persian.

“Perrr!”

Giovanni nodded, then quickly hung up. Persian continued scowling at the blank screen.

“What was that?” Jesse asked Meowth as James started transferring the pokémon to Giovanni.

“Roughly translated, ‘your mother was a grimer and your father smelled of elderberries,” Meowth said, still smiling.

“And what did he say?”

“Something extremely inappropriate.”

The next morning Misty approached Ash’s bed carrying the morning newspaper. She hit him square in the head with it. “Wha?” asked Ash, staring at her in confusion. Misty held the paper in front of him.

“See this?” she asked, pointing to the headline.

“’Viridian City Pokémon Center Robbed; Team Rocket Suspected,’” Ash read.

“And the pictures of the alleged theives?”

Ash looked and saw a picture he hadn’t seen since his pokémon journey began: a blue haired man with a rose and a red headed woman, both of them with obscurred faces. “Maybe it’s…different people,” he said. “Evil clones.”

Misty rolled up the paper and hit him again. “Do you know how many rare pokémon were stolen because of you? Why wasn’t your spunky hero sense…tingling or whatever?”

“Misty, cartoons are far more important than doing the right thing!” Ash received another blow to the head.

Jesse and James were sitting next to each other on their new couch, staring blankly at the TV. James, for a reason no one would be able to explain later, had his arm casually around Jesse. “So this is what victory’s like,” sighed Jesse. “Furniture and a big screen TV!”

James sighed, but for completely different reasons. “Yeah,” he said. Just get used to it he told himself.

To his surprise, Jesse snuggled closer to him. “Give me the remote,” she said. James reluctantly handed it to her. She yawned as she started to flip through the channels. The only reason why they were awake before noon was because of the all night shopping spree/binge that had been held in honor of doing something right for the first time in about a year. “This okay?” asked Jesse, stopping on an insipid animated 30 minute commercial. James nodded. By the valuable message at message at the end in which the Sugar Happy Bears told how nice it was to have found their new best friends and toy possibilities the Sugar Happy Kittens, Jesse and James were half asleep. They were both jolted awake by the cheery shriek of “Ring, ring, ring! Ring, ring, ring! Phone call! Phone call!”

“Should we get it?” asked James.

“Let the machine get it,” said Jesse, closing her eyes and leaning on him.

After three more rings the machine picked up. It was Giovanni. “Excellent work yesterday. So I expect you should have no problem capturing Pikachu today. I want a report by 3 o’clock.”

Jesse and James groaned. “Don’t we at least deserve a day off?” asked Jesse.

“So what’s the plan?” James asked.

They didn’t move. “We sleep until noon, then…throw something together at the last minute, fail, and hope those pokémon we stole yesterday will be enough to keep us from serious harm,” said Jesse.

“Good plan,” James replied, sliding his arm around Jesse again.

Well, I think we’ve all learned something today: cartoons rot your mind! Maybe next time Ash will think twice about spending the day inside…

To be continued…