by Zelda
Disclaimer: Well...I own myself...
Rating: PG-13, just so I can swear as much as I damn please! Damn, damn, damn!
Other: Now, normally I would prefer not to get involved with those stories where the writer sticks themselves and any of their friends into the story as Jesse and James' new recruit(s)...but then I said to myself, "Zelda, this is a golden opportunity to make fun of...well, lots of stuff. Besides, the adoring fans demand more(thanks to you two, BTW!)." So enjoy it in all of its illogical glory! And bitch about it @Zelda's e-mail
It was another bright, beautiful morning in Pokeland. Which was why Team Rocket was still asleep until they were awakened by a loud and desperate sounding knock. "James, get the door," Jesse mumbled.
"Meowth, get the door," James mumbled.
"No," Meowth snapped. "I already got the phone..."
The knocking grew louder, until finally whoever it was opened the door and marched in. "James, fend off the burglars," Jesse mumbled.
"Jesse, I'm tired," whined James.
"James, just fend them off before they kill and rape us."
Meowth snorted. "Why would anyone want to rape you two?"
Cassidy kicked Jesse. "Wake up, you lazy bimbo," she snapped. "Butch and I have a present for you."
Jesse rolled over and squinted up at her rival. "Suicide or brain transplant?"
"This," snapped Cassidy. She and Butch stepped aside, revealing a girl about their height with red(normal red) hair, green eyes, and the standard recruit uniform: jeans and a black T-shirt with a big red "R" on it.
"We can't stand her anymore!" said Butch.
"Please, just take her," said Cassidy. "We'll make it worth your while..."
"Money?" asked Jesse, James, and Meowth.
Cassidy's eyes narrowed. "Don't be stupid. Just take her off your hands and we won't tell the Boss why your last plan completely failed.
Jesse, James, and Meowth suddenly went pale, complete with blue shadows. There was a group flashback involving six flareons, a Wendy's Super Bar, and a massive explosion. Jesse and James turned to each other in an "I Love Lucy" moment and said, "Ewwgh.."
"Exactly," said Cassidy. "Enjoy your new recruit." She and Butch immediatly broke into a run.
The remaining Team Rocket members looked at their new recruit, who smiled with typical anime girl glee. "Hi, I'm Zelda!"
"Zelda?" James asked.
"What's your real name?" asked Jesse.
"Zelda." Zelda replied.
Jesse and James exchanged a glance. "I think we can handle stupidity," said James.
"I'm used to it," muttered Jesse. "And at least she's not prettier than us."
James nodded. "It would've been a shame if we'd had to kill another one..."
Zelda rolled her eyes. "You haven't killed anyone," she said. Then she stopped to think for a moment. "And that was completely out of character..."
"Huh?" asked Team Rocket.
"Nevermind."
Jesse sighed. "We'd better get going," she said. "Celadon's a long walk."
"We're going to Celadon?" exclaimed Zelda. "Let's stop in the gigantic mart! I need to waste money!"
As James started to feel very depressed, Jesse's expression brightened. "I think I'm going to like this one..."
Ash and friends were currently in the mart, loading their shopping baskets up with evolution stones. "Ash, what do you need all those thunder stones for?" asked Misty. "You've only got one electric pokemon!"
"And that little bugger's going to evolve if it's the last thing I do!" Ash declared.
"Pika?" asking Pikachu, hiding behind a display and looking very worried. Ash laughed maniacally.
"Jesse, I'm going to the men's department so I can hang myself with the ties," James announced.
"I'll come with you," said Meowth.
"James, I need you here so you can hold the things I've already bought," said Jesse. "Now quit your whining."
"God, I look so fat," whined Zelda, looking at herself in the mirror. She looked out the window at the buildings outside. "Oh, shoot...I left my key card in my computer...I'll be right back!"
"Can we go now?" asked James.
"No," said Jesse. "We have to wait for Zelda to come back so we can show her the true glory of Team Rocket!"
"You weren't too thrilled about the glory of Team Rocket yesterday," said Meowth.
"That's because you two morons left six very agitated Flareons in a sack for two hours!"
"It was Meowth's fault we were out of pokeballs," said James.
"You had nothing against playing 'Tag Team Battle Ball' yesterday," said Meowth.
"Because we slaughtered you!" James said. He and Jesse high fived.
"Only because you captured me in one of the pokeballs! After we agreed that that was illegal!"
"Meowth don't be such a wuss," said Jesse. "It's not our fault you're weak enough to be captured."
"Besides, you tried to capture us!" snapped James.
Meowth narrowed his eyes. "And I would've done it too...if you two hadn't hugged each other..." He looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. "I just need a pokeball powerful enough to capture two human sized beings..."
"Don't be stupid, Meowth. You can only get master balls at the Silph company," said Jesse, looking over a dress.
"I left my...coin case in my computer," said Meowth. "I'll be back soon..."
Several hours later..."Shouldn't they be back by now?" asked James.
"James, I've still got some shopping to--"
"Jesse, we've been out of money for at least half an hour."
"Oh." Jesse sighed. "Well, we might as well go look for them then."
At the Celadon Gaming Center, Zelda was lounging by the counter. "Another 50 game coins?" asked the little man.
Zelda nodded. She then reached into her pockets. "Oh...crap...I'm...temporarily out of money," she said, using her most charming smile.
"Get the hell out."
"Dammit..." Zelda muttered as she stomped out of the gaming center. "Now how am I going to win that porygon?" That was when she noticed the little lake nearby. She whipped out her super rod. When she caught something, she pulled it out. "Hmmm...it's a polywhirl, a commonly seen pokemon that I've heard of...better use my pokedex." She then laughed and pulled out a pokeball. "Go, Shylock!"
"Persian!" snapped Shylock.
"I don't care if you were sleeping! Just pay day this damn thing into oblivion." Shylock curled up in a little ball and went to sleep. "You lazy piece of crap! I've got 8 badges! You have to obey me!"
"Persian."("And I've got nine.")
"This is mutiny!" Shylock shrugged. "I won't make you go in your pokeball anymore..."
Shylock sighed, stood up, and proceeded to pay day the polywhirl into oblivion. As Zelda picked up the coins, she said, "Maybe if that little twerp had heard of bargaining he wouldn't have ended up in the burn ward so many times."
"Perrr," said Shylock, rubbing against his master's leg.
"You're not fooling anyone. Now come on, Mommy has to lose some more money."
Jesse and James eventually found her in front of the slot machine next to the broken one. "Whoo-hoo! Fifteen coins!" Zelda cheered. "Good news, Shylock! The porygon is only 9,978 coins away!" Shylock rolled his eyes.
"We're supposed to be capturing rare and unusual pokemon," said Jesse, glaring at their new recruit.
"Porygons are rare and unusual," said Zelda. "And if you're not nice to me, I'm going to use mine to give you seizures." She smiled smugly. "Then I'm going to pop your inflatable boobs."
"Persian sian," said Shylock.("You think you're so smart.")Zelda stuck her tongue out at her pokemon.
"The machines are all rigged," said Jesse.
"By Team Rocket," added James.
"Let me live my dream," said Zelda. "Where's Meowth?"
Jesse shrugged. "He said something about forgetting his coin case," she said.
"Where would Meowth carry a coin case?" asked James.
Jesse turned to her partner. "What did he say before he left?"
"Something about a pokeball that could catch..."
Jesse and James hugged each other and screamed, "He's going to capture us!"
"This is all your fault!" Jesse snapped at Zelda.
"If you hadn't been out gambling...Meowth probably still would have left!" snapped James.
Zelda rolled her eyes. "What do you want me to do?" she asked. "Whip up a nice tidy deus ex machina? I'm a Team Rocket recruit, not Euripedes!"
"Eur-what?" asked Jesse.
"Day-us?" asked James.
"Illiterate hornballs," muttered Zelda.
"We are not illiterate!"
Jesse glared at their charge. "Now, how can we get out of this?"
"How tall is a persian?" asked James.
"Who...cares..." said Jesse, suddenly smiling wickedly.
"You can't be serious..." said Zelda. She scooped Shylock into her arms. "My pokemon are not your paper dolls! I'm not letting you use him or Dewdrop or Mr. Magic or...Abby...or...oh...pain..." Zelda collasped, Shylock on top of her. The cat started kneading her with its claws. "Ow! Aww...what a sweet--ow!"
Jesse looked at James. "What?" he asked. "I'm a dog person!"
"True. But I figured you'd be able to explain this idiocy."
"I just want to know why anyone would be so protective of a magikarp."
Zelda smiled smugly and tried to escape from under her massive cat. "He's a gyarados now," she said.
Jesse leaned over and whispered to her partner, "I bet she kicked it."
"For your information, I dropped him off at a day care center," Zelda snapped. "Now get my stupid persian off me before I use my psychic powers on you!"
Jesse and James looked at her sleptically. "You don't have psychic powers," said Jesse.
"I have two Tarot decks," said Zelda.
"Oohh, Jesse, I hope she doesn't throw the Death card at us!" said James, giggling.
"Hello," Meowth said to the first Silph scientist he saw. "I'd like a master ball, please." He thought for a moment. "And a lapras."
"Shorts are cool and comfortable," said the scientist, pulling out a pokeball.
Wonderful thought Meowth. The place is run by psychos.
"This is like Scooby-Doo for retards," said Zelda. She was currently dressed in one of Jesse's extra uniforms and duct taped to a pole outside of the Celadon Pokemart. "And hasn't that been a bit overused? I'm surprised you haven't gotten oil and an abandoned mine cart..." She looked at her persian, who was wearing a blue wig and duct taped next to her. "And you! I raised you from a Meowth! I gave you nothing but love! And this is how you repay me?"
"Persian," snapped Shylock.
"Would one stupid fury swipe take that much energy?"
"James, I believe we forgot one crucial element!" Jesse said cheerfully.
"Clothes for the persian?" asked James.
"His name is Shylock," said Zelda, scowling.
"Not quite," Jesse replied, holding up a roll of duct tape. She quickly put a piece over Zelda's mouth.
"Mmmph!! Mmm mmmfff!" Zelda ineffectually screamed.
Jesse and James threw back their heads and laughed. "Come on, James," said Jesse. "There's a secret switch behind the poster in the gaming center. There's bound to be lots of rare pokemon in a Team Rocket owned, heavily guarded basement!"
Zelda's eyes narrowed as Jesse and James left for what was probably going to lead to no good. "Mmm-mmmph, mm mmmfff mmm!"
A pokeball rolled free and Abby the Kadabra popped out. ::What do you want?:: she telepathically asked.
"Mmmph mmm mmm mff mmmph."("I need you to take pictures of Jesse and James having wild primeape sex.")
::No. I have more cutlery to bend.:: Abby squinted at her master.
"Mmmmm, mmmph mmmm mmmff mmm mmmph mmm!!"(I'll shove that stupid spoon up your ass if you don't help me!!")
::Oh, and I think I'd like to evolve soon. Please trade me.::
"Mmmphh mmm mmm mmh," Zelda muttered.("You just want to be traded.")
The scientest looked down, his eyes starting to go wobbly. "My voltorb..." he said sadly.
Meowth retracted his claws, looking very satisfied with himself. "My lapras and master ball, please..."
The scientist glared at him. "Fine. Stupid meowth..."
"Yes, yes, yes!"
"Jesse, keep your voice down...if someone hears us..."
"I am now the battle ball master!" Jesse declared. "Yes!"
James glared at her. "You were cheating," he said. "You're not allowed to use the...whatever they're called tiles!"
"All's fair in love,war, and battle ball," said Jesse.
"I demand a rematch!"
Jesse sighed. "Fine. But we're going to have to find some more pokeballs..."
"We can't have already lost 15 pokeballs..."
"Here's one!" said Jesse, scooping it up off the ground and chucking it at his head.
James caught it and got ready to throw it back. "No fair! You're cheating again!"
Meowth approached the mart. "I've wanted to do this for a long--hey! You're not Jesse and James."
"Mmhh." said Zelda, rolling her eyes.
Meowth looked over the situation. "I suppose the ethical thing to do would be to untie you," he said, leaping up and ripping the duct tape off Zelda's mouth.
"AAAAHH!!"Zelda screamed.
"Now for the..." Meowth's eyes suddenly narrowed. "Is dat a persian?"
"Uhm...no...it's a...it's a...shylock!" she said proudly. "It's a...uhm..."
"It's a persian!"
Zelda looked at Shylock. Wow...I've had Shylock for a long time...He's one of my best pokemon and I couldn't have made it this far without him...Of course, I do have a wigglytuff, a kadabra, a vaporeon, a gyarados, an articuno, a zapdos..."How 'bout if you just untie me?" Zelda suggested.
"Perrr!" snarled Shylock.
"All right," said Meowth.
"Don't worry, Shylock, I'll rescue you once I'm free," Zelda whispered.
::She's lying:: Abby said telepathically.
"What'd I say about the spoon?"
::I'll call the SPCA.:: Abby said, a beam of psychic energy starting to form at her forehead.
The lighting darkened. "Do you remember what happened to Margeurite?" Zelda asked.
::Who?::
"Margeurite. My weepinbell. She made one fatal mistake..."
::She tried to kill you, as I will do as soon as I can override the power and slavery that your eight badges give you?::
"No! She just sucked too much!"
Meowth put a hand on Zelda's leg, mostly just because he couldn't reach her shoulder. "Zelda, sometimes pokemon just suck. And dere's nothing you can do about it, right?"
Zelda sighed sadly. "Right."
"Wrong!" said Meowth. "When your pokemon turn their backs on you, you turn your back on your pokemon!"
"That's not what I was taught," said Zelda. "And what does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, maybe you need a new lesson! I've got three words that'll solve all your problems."
Zelda thought for a moment. "Joto purupuru aina?" she asked.
"What?" asked Meowth. "No,I was going to--"
"Joto purupuru aina," said Zelda. "What a wonderful phrase!/Joto purupuru aina...ain't no passin' craze!"
::Please save me,:: Abby said to Meowth. ::I can pay you quite well.::
"It means hot gay sex--"
"Am I da only one on this team who isn't a pervert?" asked Meowth. "My three words were 'Double Trouble Hotline!'"
"Oh," said Zelda, starting to blush. "Sorry."
"I wonder what happens to all the rare pokemon we steal," said James. He and Jesse were out of pokeballs again.
"The ones we steal are still happily with their original owners," Jesse said bitterly. They were lounging about in the massive labryinth that was the area under the game corner. "The ones everyone else steals probably go to Game Corner prizes."
"But there are 150 pokemon," said James. "And six different pokemon game prizes..." His eyes took on a blank stare. "150 pokemon...Jesse?"
"Yes, James?"
"We have to collect all 150 pokemon," he said, taking her hands. "If we get thirty a day, it'll only take us five days!"
Jesse slapped him. "James, did you read the posters in the electronics department?" she asked.
"Red and blue, they're both pokemon!"
"You're not making any sense!" Jesse shook her partner. "Besides, there are over 150 pokemon."
"And we gotta catch them all to defeat the supreme power!" James whined.
Before anymore disturbing subliminal messages could be said, Meowth appeared, dragging Zelda and her multiple surly pokemon behind him. "You are a disgrace to that uniform!" Meowth informed Zelda.
"You're just jealous of my superior language skills!" Zelda said haughtily.
Meowth sighed. "Did you know dat our new recruit can say 'hot gay sex' in Swahili?"
Zelda took a form out of her pocket. "Speaking of hot sex, does the person I put on my partner request form have to be in Team Rocket? Like, if I put down Wes Bently or..." Zelda sighed dreamily, "Mark Paul Gosselar, my first love, would they kidnap him and force him to..." Zelda stopped and looked at Jesse and James who were staring at her. "Oh wait...man, did I choose the wrong people to ask about this one..." Zelda sighed. "Well, Wes'll be my first choice..."
"Who da hell is Mark Paul Gosselar?" asked Meowth.
"Zach! From Saved By The Bell!"
"Ha!" said Jesse. "As if Zach would have anything to do with you..."
"At least my first love is better looking than--" Zelda looked at her watch. "Eek! I'm missing Reawor!"
Meowth's eyes went all wobbly. "You're a Reawor fan?" he asked.
"Are you kidding?" asked Zelda. "I totally believe in Mafia-amore!"
"Let's find a TV and go watch it!"
Jesse and James watched as Meowth and Zelda ran off, then looked at the kadabra and persian who were lounging nearby. Then they exchanged a glance. "I'll hold her down if you put her in the straight jacket," said James.
::I can paralyze her:: offered Abby.
"Or that'll work too," said Jesse, pulling out a straight jacket. She then threw it over James and started tying the sleeves.
"Jesse, what're you doing?" James asked.
"James, it's just to keep you from hurting yourself and others until the electronics store's subliminal messages wear off," Jesse replied.
"But why would I hurt myself? I have you to do that for me!"
"Exactly," said Jesse, starting to drag him in the direction Meowth and Zelda had gone. "And don't you forget it."
Zelda and Meowth were gleefully sitting in front of a TV, idiotic grins on their faces. "Dis is a great one," said Meowth.
"Do they finally confess their love to each other?" asked Zelda, starting to go wobbly eyed.
"What love?" asked Jesse.
"Aren't they brother and sister?" asked James. Jesse started untying the straight jacket.
"Ewww!" screamed Zelda and Meowth.
"After we restrain her, I vote we mail her back to Headquarters," Jesse whispered.
"I vote we mail her to the Neon City Asylum," whispered James. "She's probably dangerous..."
Jesse nodded. "We'd be doing Team Rocket a favor..."
They started moving towards the oblivious Team Rocket recruit, when suddenly...
"Hey, there really is a switch behind this poster!" Ash exclaimed. He and his friends appeared. "It's Team Rocket!" Then he noticed the TV. "And Reawor's on!" Ash immediatly sat down next to Meowth and Zelda. "Aww...Jane's hiding behind Jeremy..."
"Mafia-amore all the way!" cheered Zelda.
Misty and Brock ran over to Team Rocket. "You wouldn't happen to have an extra straight jacket, would you?" asked Misty. Jesse nodded and handed her one. "Thanks!"
"Oh, Zelda," said Jesse. "We've got some important Team Mafia information for you..."
"Really??" asked Zelda. As she turned around, Jesse and James jumped on her.
As the punching, kicking, and hair pulling began to stir up dust clouds, Jesse said, "To protect your brain from devastation!"
"To clue you in with the rest of our nation," added James.
"To announce the truth: Jeremy's gay!"
"To keep from watching this damn show every day!"
"Jesse!" Jesse forced Zelda to the ground, slamming her head slightly on the floor.
"James!" James held out the straight jacket.
"Mafia-amore, the whole thing's a pile of crap!"
"Now quit struggling you little sap!"
"Well, this is nice and ironic," said Zelda, managing to pull out one of her pokeballs. "Go, Buttercup!"
"Wigglytuff!" chirped Buttercup.
"Buttercup, sing!" shouted Zelda.
While Buttercup sang, the Team Rocket struggle continued. Meowth and Ash remained focused on the TV, unaware of the fact that Misty and Brock were going to try to restrain Ash as well. "I wish we had a gag," said Misty, quickly covering her hands with her ears.
"For Ash or the wigglytuff?" asked Brock.
"Both," said Misty, yawning.
As her eyelids started drooping, Zelda started to realize her mistake. "Buttercup, stop singing and use...uhm...mega punch!"
Buttercup glared at her trainer. "Tuff!"
"You can finish your crappy song later, okay?" Zelda grimaced as Buttercup started hopping towards her, permanent marker in hand.
"You won't get a chance to finish anything," said Jesse.
"Because we're going to finish you," said James.
While this was going on, on TV, Jane had just pumped Officer Janet full of lead for flirting with Jeremy. "You really do care!" sighed Jeremy.
Jane backhanded him into a wall. "Don't be stupid," she snapped. "I've just been waiting for an excuse to kill that stupid cop!"
"Awww," sighed Ash, Zelda, and Meowth.
"Dat's so romantic," said Meowth.
"I hope I have a relationship just like Jeremy and Jane's!" squealed Zelda.
Everyone else stared in shock. "She just back handed him into a wall," said Misty.
"That's not usually considered a sign of a healthy relationship," added Brock.
"This is a perfect example of Mafiamore!" said Ash.
Pikachu's ears drooped. "Pika pi ka," he sighed.
"The little twerp's right," said Zelda, standing up. "Jeremy and Jane are obviously an established couple!" When Jesse and James started going after her with the straight jacket again, Zelda held up a hand in protest. "Wait, I can explain," Zelda continued. "Jane, due to obvious emotional trauma in her youth, has trouble showing affection. And of course it would look bad if she made it obvious to that little putz Adam that they were fooling around, right? So when Jeremy slips up, she has to cover for it..."
Team Rocket exchanged a glance. "It...sort of makes sense," said Jesse.
"Jesse, she's a total wacko!" said James. "Let's just tie her up and leave her here!"
"So you don't understand it?"
"No!"
There was a long and awkward silence. It was finally broken by Zelda sighing and tossing her hands into the air. "Oh, good," she muttered under her breath. "I've wasted my life!"
Meowth had used the long and awkward to think about something. "James, I think you need to explain something to Meowth then..."
"Yeah, I want an explanation too," said Zelda.
"So do I," said Brock.
"Me too," added Misty.
"Pika chu," agreed Pikachu.
"Shhh! Team Mafia oath!" said Ash.
"An explanation for what?" asked James.
Zelda and Meowth looked at each other and sighed. "Well," said Zelda, cracking her knuckles, "Maybe...all right, I don't have a clue..."
"There's only one way to solve Team Rocket's problems," said Ash. "A pokemon battle!"
Misty glared at him. "They don't need a battle! They need counseling!" she snapped.
"Unfortunately we can't afford counseling," sighed James.
"I don't need counseling," said Jesse.
"I've got some Polaroids dat say you're lying," said Meowth.
Jesse started blushing. "How much?" she asked.
"Hey, today on Jerry Springer this guys going to tell his girlfriend he's been cheating on her! Wow! And on TV too!" exclaimed Ash.
"Ash, it's Jerry Springer," said Brock.
"Has there ever been a show where that didn't happen?" asked Misty. "It's like Team Rocket ruining our day!" she added, just as Jesse said, "It's like you brats ruining our plans!"
Misty, Brock, Ash, and Pikachu all turned to look at the TV. "No," said Zelda. "Absolutely not. We are not taking them on Jerry Springer! Everyone goes on Jerry Springer these days!"
"How about Ricki Lake?" asked Misty.
Zelda nodded slowly. "Ricki Lake's okay."
Backstage, Team Rocket were set up in the most strategic spot: the free food table! As Jesse, James, and Meowth stuffed donuts(real ones), donuts(rice balls), and other such pastries and non-pastries, Zelda scowled at them. "I can't believe I'm doing this," she said.
"I've never seen so many weaves and tube tops in my life," said Jesse.
"Don't these people have any shame?" asked James.
"If dey had shame, dey wouldn't be on Jerry Springer," muttered Meowth.
"Ricki Lake," said Zelda.
"I say we take over this pathetic show," said Jesse. "Then we can get rid of all this trailer tra---aaaah!!" Jesse screamed as Zelda leapt onto her back and clapped a hand over her mouth.
"Oh, no," said Zelda. "Oh, no. It's bad enough that we're on a sleazy talk show, but we don't need any more lawsuits!"
"Jess, are you going to be okay?" asked James, noticing the familiar signs of supporting something that weighs far too much for your body to handle for any length of time.
"We have about thirty seconds before her spine folds in half," Zelda said. "But you are not taking over the show! And if, god help us, you do take over the show, probably just to spite me, at least have some creativity with the...ohh crap,this is going to hurt," said Zelda as Jesse began to collapse.
"Ow! Meowth, I think one of your whiskers scratched me!" snapped Jesse.
"I 'hink I 'hipped a toof," said Zelda, rubbing her jaw.
"Jesse, are you okay?" asked James, kneeling beside his partner.
Zelda looked down at her hand. "Blood...blood's not good..."
"Who cares about her?" snapped Meowth from beneath the two female Rockets. "I just had three hundred pounds of bimbo fall on me!"
"Most of it hers from the feel of things," muttered Jesse.
"I 'hink I haf to go to a hoffpi'al," said Zelda, staggering slightly as she got to her feet. "Do you promiff not to take oer the show?"
"Just don't crush me again," said Jesse as James helped her stand up.
"I think every bone in my body is broken," groaned Meowth.
"Where are your pokemon?" asked Nurse Joy.
"Look, I'm a tad short on cash," said Zelda. "Can you just weaken me a bit more, catch me in a pokeball, then put me on that little machine thingie that heals stuff?"
"No!"
"Please?" asked Zelda. "Why not?"
"For one thing, you're not a pokemon. For another, you're in Team Rocket!"
Zelda looked down at her obvious T-shirt. "No, I'm not," she said. "It's...a band!"
"Now, James, you have known Jesse for how long now...?" asked Ricki Lake.
James looked at Jesse. "Uhm..."
"If we met at Pokemon Tech..."
"And we were..."
After some more such thinking, finger counting, whispering, and other desperate attempts at math, James gave Jesse a final look and nod, then turned to Ricki and said, "I have no idea."
Ricki covered her face with her free hand, let the microphone droop, and started wishing she'd gotten a real job. She was also starting to wish that Jesse and James were the standard, white trash, chair chucking, could remember when their relationship started, actually knew what their relationship was guests. "Jesse, during the...the time that you've known James, has he ever been...unfaithful to you?" Ricki was finally able to ask.
Jesse blinked several times. "I don't think I understand the question..."
"Fine, we'll start simple," snapped Ricki.
"What a bitch," James whispered to his partner.
"I knew we should've gone on Jerry Springer," Jesse whispered back.
"What about looking at other women?" Ricki Lake asked, quickly adding, "Gettothefighting..."
Jesse and James glared at each other and each pulled out a notebook. Then they looked at each other and asked, "You've been keeping track?!"
"Jesse, let's start with you," said Ricki, starting to feel a headache coming on.
"Giselle," said Jesse, glaring at James.
"Dr. Procter," said James, glaring at Jesse.
"The Ghost of Maiden's Peak,"
Just then, the doorbell rang. "Uh-oh," said Ricki Lake. "Looks like we have a surprise guest!"
In the audience, Ash was started to wish for death. "This is so boring," he groaned. "When can I start training again?"
"More trailer trash sluts!" shouted Brock. Misty quickly dragged him back into his seat.
"Not in front of Togepi!" snapped Misty.
"How 'bout a bribe?" asked Zelda.
"I think you should leave," said Nurse Joy.
"I give you...whatever I find in my pockets, you treat me," said Zelda. "It's a win-win situation!"
"I'm going to call Officer Jenny if you're not out of here by the count of three!"
Zelda dropped down to her knees. "Please?"
"One..."
"It's just one little favor!"
"Two..."
Suddenly, Zelda's eye caught a wanted poster on the wall. She leapt to her feet. "I can tell you where those two members of Team Rocket are!"
Nurse Joy sighed and turned on the all-purpose healing machine.
"Prepare for trouble and make it double!" hissed Jessebelle, stepping onto the stage. "You've been messing with my man!"
Jesse jumped out of her chair, frying pan appearing in her hand. "He is not your man!"
Jessebelle held out her gloved left hand. "This ring seems to disagree with you."
Jesse spun around and glared at her partner, who instinctively shielded his head with his hands. "You gave her a ring?"
"I was eight! I didn't give her anything!"
Jessebelle smirked. "That's not exactly true, darlin'."
"Ooooo!" said the audience.
Jesse picked up a chair. "She's lying!" said James.
"Now, James, it says here that you and your fiancee Jessebelle used to go down to her..." Ricki squinted at the cue card, "kinky dungeon of kinkiness?" Jesse, James, Jessebelle, and the two trailer trash cousins who'd been sleeping with the same man stared at her. "Sorry, wrong cue card...I meant to say torture chamber of kinkiness."
Jesse got ready to hurl the chair at Jessebelle. "You slut!"
"You were perfectly happy to go down there last time," Jessebelle replied, picking up a chair of her own.
"Oooo!" said the audience.
"Maybe we should've hired some security guards," Ricki said to herself as two of her guests started beating the hell out of each other.
"You can take her, Jesse!" cheered James, wisely hiding behind a chair.
"Rip each other's clothes off!" shouted Brock from the audience.
Misty elbowed him. "Brock! It's Jesse and...other Jesse!"
"It's still naked chicks," said Brock. "Whooooo!"
Butch and Cassidy were sitting in Cassidy's room at TRHQ. The latter was staring at the ceiling and the former was trying to balance a pen on his nose. "Were we supposed to be doing something?" asked Butch.
Cassidy shrugged. "Clay wanted me to tape Ricki Lake for him today."
"I meant work related."
"I'm just not motivated any more."
After a brief pause in conversation, Butch asked, "Are we at least taping Ricki Lake?"
"I refuse to pollute my VCR with such crap."
There was a slight pause in conversation. "First time I've ever seen anyone get caught while at the mall," said Butch.
"In street clothes," added Cassidy. "After not trying to steal anything for two weeks..."
Butch shrugged. "Someone probably ratted on them."
"But who would know exactly where Clay and Allison were?"
"The same person who knows exactly where you're going to be in half an hour," said Zelda from the door way.
Cassidy sighed. "How much?" asked Butch.
"Month's salary," said Zelda.
"What do you have against us?" asked Cassidy as she reached for her purse.
Zelda shrugged. "I just don't like you." She noticed the clock on the wall. "Crap...any idea what's happening on Ricki Lake?"
"Now, since our final surprise guest didn't show up, let's move on to audience questions," said Ricki Lake. "Yes?"
"This is for Tammy, Lolita, Loquisha, Erma Mae, and to a lesser extent, those psycho red heads," said Brock. "Will you go out with me?"
"No," said Tammy.
"No," said Lolita.
"No," said Loquisha.
"Maybe," said Erma Mae.
"No," said Jessebelle.
Jesse picked up another chair. "You could at least remember my name, you eyeless little..." James barely managed to hold his parnter back.
"Yeah, this is for the blue haired guy who's restraining one of the psycho red heads," said another audience member. "You need to start respectin' yourself...cuz I got three girls here who know how to treat you right!"
Jesse dropped the chair and pulled out a bazooka. "Jesse, you're going to blow our cover!" James whispered.
"What cover?" asked Meowth. "You're in uniform!"
"So it won't matter if I kill them," said Jesse, starting to laugh maniacally. She looked down at James, who was still holding her back by clutching her waist and Meowth who looked mildly disgusted. "Because no one that fat should be allowed to wear a tube top outside in broad daylight." She then noticed Zelda standing backstage holding a large stack of cash and looking very smug. Jesse quickly zipped backstage. "What're you so happy about?" she asked.
"I'm fighting fit, and I got all this cash from Butch and Cassidy so I wouldn't turn them into the cops, and all this cash from Officer Jenny for turning Clay and Allison and Butch and Cassidy into the cops, and all this cash from--" Zelda soon found Jesse's hands dangerously close to her throat. "Ad banners."
"If I see an Officer Jenny anywhere near this studio, you are dead," said Jesse through clenched teeth.
"Do you know what kind of reward is being offered for you two?" Zelda said. "I'm weak! I need money!"
Jesse raised an eyebrow. "How much money?" Zelda told her. "How much for one of us?"
"Which one?" asked Zelda. She was starting to turn blue.
"I don't care! Whoever's worth more!" Her eyes narrowed. "I am worth more, aren't I?"
"You're worth the same, moron!" Zelda snapped, then sighed. "I wouldn't be surprised if you two had the same Social Security Nu-kkhhhhk!"
Jesse tightened her grip. "Just tell me how much James is worth, then."
"Kkkhhhh!"
"What do you mean I can't?" Jesse snapped, dropping Zelda to the floor and pulling out a mallet.
Zelda stuck out her tongue at Jesse. "You just can't," she said.
"Why the hell not?"
Zelda gave her one of those evil smiles that Team Rocket is just so darn good at. After feeling obligated to shippy up every other nasty thing you've ever done, Jesse, there is no way in hell I'm letting you turn your partner in Zelda thought. Aloud she said, "Because Meowth is worth so much more...in ransom..."
The next thing James and Meowth knew, they'd been dragged backstage. "We're going to ransom Meowth," said Jesse.
"Who would pay to get Meowth back?" asked James.
"Uhm...aren't you supposed to be out there?" asked a security man. He promptly received four middle fingers. "Nevermind..."
"Da Boss would want me back!" said Meowth, scratching James.
"Exactly!" said Jesse. "We'll just disguise our voices and it'll work perfectly!" Jesse thought for a moment...if we can find a phone that isn't a freaking video phone..."
"Not necessarily!" said Zelda, starting to pull her shirt over her head. Jesse, James, and Meowth watched the struggle with fabric for about fifteen minutes until Zelda had finally taken off her uniform to reveal a wonderfully detailed Misty costume. "Look, I haven't taken Quick Changes 101 yet, okay?" she snapped as she pulled her wig on. She then cleared her throat and said in a fairly decent spunky gym trainer voice, "I think we should drown him, because water is my specialty!"
In one fluid motion, Jesse tossed her uniform in the air, revealing her standard Ash get up. "Misty, if we drown him, will never get our money!"
Both girls looked expectantly at James. "But I'm used to being Misty!" he whined.
Jesse rolled her eyes. "You're just going to have to be Brock," she snapped, lowering her voice changer so she could yell at him in her own voice.
"Give me the voice changer."
"No."
"Jesse!"
"No!"
Meowth sighed as he watched the pathetic struggle.
"You know, that show really made me think," said Ash.
"Wow, that's a surprise," Misty said sincerely.
"I don't think we'll be hearing those words again for a long time," added Brock.
"Pika pi!" laughed Pikachu.
Ash sighed. "It made me realize that we're far more dysfunctional than Team Rocket!"
"What?" asked Misty and Brock, staring at him.
"Guys, Jesse and James treat each other much better than you treat me!"
"What?!"
"Owww!" Ash screamed as Misty whacked him upside the head again.
"At least we're not evil!" Misty screamed.
"At least we don't use your pokemon!" added Brock.
"Pikachu, thunder-shock Ash for being so stupid!"
"Piiikaaachuu!!"
"Augghh!"
"See, Ash? We only try to whip you into shape because we're your friends!" said Misty smiling sweetly.
"Ash, I thought you didn't believe in that whole couple thing," said Brock.
"He doesn't, because he's stupid, immature, and owes me a bike," said Misty.
"I don't," said Ash, still twitching slightly. "But underneath all the sarcasm and insults and daily beatings, there's an obvious bond of--aughh!!" Ash was thunder-shocked again. "I mean there is--auughh!! Okay, okay! I hate Team Rocket! They're shallow, stupid bimbos and all they do is cause pain!!"
Misty and Brock nodded. "And don't you forget it," said Misty.
"Although they've been following us for awhile.." Brock started blushing. "Maybe Jesse likes me!" Noticing Misty's glare, Brock turned to Misty. "Which would leave James available..."
Ash glared as his friends threw their hands into the air and yelled, "We're finally going to get some!"
"I thought Team Rocket was evil," Ash muttered.
"You'll understand when you're older," Misty and Brock said in unison.
"How old are you, Misty?" asked Ash. "I know you're not much older than I am..."
"Girls mature faster than boys," Misty replied.
Ash sighed. "Can't you just download porn or something Brock?" he asked.
"Good thing we made these fake backstage passes," said Misty.
Brock nodded. "Got the net?"
Misty nodded. "And the shovels, in case we need them..."
"You guys are total hypochondriacs!" snapped Ash.
Misty and Brock promptly got sweatdrops too large to be caused by the term "hypochondriac"(such is the land of dubs, kids!)"Ash, that's hypocrites!" said Brock.
"Oh, right," said Ash, looking equally embarrassed. "And you are!"
"Are we sure we want to listen to that little psycho?" James whispered to Jesse. "Her own pokemon won't even listen to her!"
"You're just jealous because she likes me better," Jesse whispered back. "And look who's talking!"
"I say we steal her rare pokemon, then leave her in a ditch somewhere!" said Meowth.
Jesse nodded. "It shouldn't be too hard to hack into her pokemon storage system."
"Let's get her to call the Boss so we can start now!" suggested James.
Team Rocket started cackling, then slinked off towards a conveniently located computer. "All right, trainer name, Zelda," said Jesse, quickly typing.
"Does she have a last name?" asked James.
"Does anyone besides that little Pallet freak? Now help me guess her password!"
James leaned over and pushed a button. "Access granted!" chirped the computer.
Jesse and Meowth looked nervously at James, then continued hacking. "There seem to be two different storage systems here," said Jesse.
"The pokemon in the blue one are better!" called Zelda.
"Thanks!"
Hmmm...that sounded a bit too cheerful... Zelda thought, looking suspiciously at the older Team Rocket members. She pulled out a pokeball.
"Let's check the stats on...Crabby..." said Jesse. "What kind of moron names a parasect 'Crabby'?"
"It had pincher thingies!"
"Moron," muttered Jesse, James, and Meowth.
"Let's steal it," said Jesse.
"And tell the Boss it's a kingler," added James.
"Try Boo-Buddy," said Meowth. "Ooo, a Haunter!"
"Aaaahh!" screamed Jesse.
"Don't laugh," said James.
Jesse stuck out her tongue at him as she clicked the withdraw button. "Now, what else?"
"Now you can prepare for trouble," said Misty.
"And make it double," said Brock.
"Guys, can we go one week without saying the Team Rocket motto?" whined Ash.
"To protect our hormones from devastation!"
"To check out babes from nation to nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To--Misty!"
"Oh, yeah...uhm...to...god, this is hard!"
"Let's just get to the Rocket stealing."
"Right," said Misty, nodding. She and Brock tossed their net over Team Rocket.
At the sight of the two people currently in charge of her recruit evalution being captured by two sucky Gym Leaders, Zelda buried her face in her hands. "What was I thinking?" she wailed. "And did I ever retrieve Shylock, Abby, and Buttercup?"
"Who cares!" said Misty. Brock started to laugh maniacally. Everyone stared at him.
"What?" asked Brock.
"Nothing," Misty, Jesse, and Meowth said quickly.
"You just sounded a lot like--" Ash began.
"He did not!" snapped James, cutting him off.
Zelda took out one of her three remaining pokeballs(the rest of her pokemon had been misplaced, somehow...) "Mr. Magic! Start having this make sense again!" she shouted, throwing the pokeball. Mr. Magic the gyarados appeared and promptly started taking up almost all of the backstage area.
"Zelda, could you maybe get something smaller?"
Zelda sighed and walked over to the conveniently located computer. "All right...Zelda's PC...bring up WinAmp player..."
"What?!"
"I need some music," said Zelda. "If I don't listen to 'Video Killed the Radio Star' at least three times a day, I'll die."
"No you won't!" snapped Jesse.
"This is why your roommate threatened to kill you!" said James.
"Wha...how...my roommate loves me!" protested Zelda, starting to flip through the various songs on her WinAmp. "No...no...why did I download this again?"
"She says she's spent the entire training session waiting for the perfect opportunity to kill you in your sleep," said Jesse.
"What do you mean 'waiting'?" asked Zelda. "And if she really wanted to kill me in my sleep, she would've done it by now...it's not like I never sleep.."
"Hey, you were the little brat who kept skipping our poses and mottos class!" snapped Meowth.
Zelda laughed nervously. "Well...it was at 8 o'clock...and it's not like Team Rocket's about mottos and poses and cool backgrounds anyway!"
"Name a Team Rocket member," said Jesse.
"Other than us," added James.
Zelda stuck out her tongue. "I can name two. Butch and Cassidy. Now shut the hell up, crack whore, or I'll play 'Everybody Hurts.'" Zelda looked back at the computer. "I was supposed to be doing something, wasn't I?"
"Besides writing your ten page paper on the importance of a motto?" asked James.
"Yeah...oh, that's right! Pokemon Storage System...uhm, decent pokemon?"
"Yes!" snapped Jesse.
"Ones that can save us," said James.
"Well, there's always...hey!"
"Hmm...maybe we shouldn't have stolen half her pokemon," said Jesse.
Zelda glared at the rest of Team Rocket. "Which one of you smartasses left me with a level 15 butterfree?"
"We forgot the butterfree?" asked Jesse and James. "Crap!"
Zelda withdrew a pokemon. "Go, Bruce! Suck the life out of them!"
Team Rocket cringed as a golbat appeared. "We should've stolen that," said Jesse, hiding behind James.
"Most likely," said James.
"Mr. Magic, return! Bruce, confuse ray!"
"Gol!"
"James, maybe we should try talking rationally about this," Jesse suggested that.
"I'm so confused..." said James. He slapped himself. "Ow!"
"Bruce, leech life! Leech life! Leech life!" shouted Zelda.
"Meowth, do something!" screamed Jesse and James as Bruce flapped around the edges of the net.
"Why me? You've got pokemon!" Meowth snapped from behind them.
"Bruce, I thought I told you to kick some ass!" said Zelda. "Do you want to end up like Mr. Bee and Vinny? Or Mr. Bug?"
"Bat!" whimpered Bruce.
"Then leech life them, damn you!"
"Maybe if you didn't threaten your pokemon so much, they'd listen to you," said Brock.
"Yeah, I love my pokemon!" said Ash. "That's why they try their best for me."
"You wanna battle?" asked Zelda. "You think you can take me, punk?"
"Don't do it!" hissed Jesse.
"He's got bizarre hero powers!" added James.
Zelda laughed. Her missing pokemon mysteriously(and conveniently)reappeared in their pokeballs. "Yeah, but I evolved my pokemon!"
Team Rocket stood up, still under the net, and walked over to her. "Yes, but half of them are water pokemon!" said Jesse.
"And he has that pikachu!" added James.
"Face it, kid, dis is a bad idea," said Meowth.
"I've got a plan," said Zelda. "After all, I'm the protagonist now!"
"But you're evil!" said Ash.
"All right, pest, we'll have an English lesson after the battle," said Zelda.
"I'll beat you in that too!" said Ash. He turned his hat backwards. "Charizard! I choose you!"
"Ash...didn't you happen to hear Team Rocket mention that half of Zelda's pokemon are water pokemon?" said Misty.
"Yeah, but I've seen your water pokemon..." said Ash, laughing. "Do your worst!"
"Go, Dewdrop!" shouted Zelda, tossing a pokeball.
"Why are we watching this little nobody fight the other little nobody again?" asked James as he and Jesse cut open the net.
"Just think of it as a distraction," said Jesse.
"This'll teach her to miss our class!" said Meowth. The three of them started laughing evily.
"Por!" said Dewdrop.
"Dewdrop, surf!"
"Charizard...um...run!" said Ash as water started spraying everywhere. Several thousand dollars of electronic equipement started getting destroyed.
"There's no running away from trainer battles," said Zelda. "Now quit your whining. Next!" She called back Dewdrop and brought out Buttercup, her wigglytuff.
"Bulbasaur, I choose you!" said Ash. "Ha! I know that water pokemon are weak against plant pokemon!"
"So...why'd you bring him out when I brought out my freaking wigglytuff?" asked Zelda. "Buttercup, sing!" she said, covering her ears.
When Ash uncovered his ears and opened his eyes he saw Bulbasaur lying there asleep. "Bulbasaur return! Pikachu, I'm sick of wasting time! Thundershock the cuddly pink thing!"
Pikachu nodded. "Pika!" he said. "Piiikaaachuuu!!"
"Buttercup, mega punch!" said Zelda. She then noticed that her wigglytuff was staggering around. "What?! You have, what, 130 something hit points? One crappy thunder-shock can't--" Buttercup fainted. Zelda glared at Ash. "Now it's personal...Princess R, go!"
"Rai!" said Princess R.
Pikachu glared at her. "Pika! Pika pi!"
"Rai...rai chu!"
"Pi..." Pikachu's expression suddenly soften. "Pika pi pika pikacu?"
Princess R nodded. Everyone looked at Meowth for translation. "Let me put it dis way," he said. "Our little Pikachu's starting to become a man."
"Awww," sighed Jesse, James, Misty, and Brock.
"Wonderful," said Zelda. "Now, Princess R, sometimes we hurt the ones we love..."
"Rai?" asked Princess R.
"Basically, I'm saying...hurt him!" Zelda smirked at her opponent. "Now, normally I'd think that an electric pokemon would absorb most of the damage from an electric attack, but since battles against Ash cause all logic to go to hell...Princess R, thunder!"
"Raaiiichu!" screamed Princess R.
"Aughh!" screamed Ash as Princess R missed and electrocuted him. "Pikachu...help..."
Pikachu shook his head. "Ka, pika pika!"
"He says no because he loves her," Meowth translated.
"Princess R, before I call you back because I'm such a nice girl, pay day the twerp!"
"Pay day?" asked everyone else.
Zelda shrugged. "I got the TM, so I figured I might as well teach it to my then pikachu..."
"Ow!" said Ash. Coins scattered everwhere.
Pikachu, seeing that his best friend was taking quite a beating, decided that there were some things more important than love and thundershocked Princess R, who fainted.
"This doesn't make any sense..." said Zelda. "Stupid Ash...go, Mr. Magic! Mr. Magic, dragon rage!"
"Pikachu, thundershock!"
"How is he faster than Mr. Magic?!" screamed Zelda after the inevitable frying of her gyarados. "And dragon rage is supposed to be a devastating, terrifying, ultimate attack...Go, Dewdrop! Defend our honor!" Dewdrop was, of course, thundershocked. "Crap!"
"Ready to give up?" asked Ash.
"No! You're cheating!" snapped Zelda. "Thunder-shock can't possibly be that powerful!"
"Yes, it can," said Jesse, James, and Meowth.
Zelda muttered something highly innappropriate. "Go, Abby!"
::I've been doing some research:: Abby announced. ::An you can't control me without a mind-link.::
"I don't care. Just vulcan mind meld that crappy Pikachu."
Abby sighed, then Vulcan mind melded Pikachu. Naturally, it went horribly wrong. "Piiikaaa!" screamed Pikachu. ::Zelda, you idiot! Now I'm trapped in this crappy ineffective body!::
"Mm...really, Abby? Well, then...thunder-shock!"
Abby naturally fainted. "Huh?" asked Ash.
"Our pokemon switched bodies," said Zelda.
"Well, no matter who's mind he has, Pikachu is still mine!" said Ash. "So I'm still winning!"
"Jerk," muttered Zelda. "Go, Shylock! Shylock, just pay day him til he's dead."
Shylock started pay daying Pikachu. ::Zelda!::
"Oh, relax, Abby," said Zelda. "Since you've got the body of Ash's Pikachu, you should be invulnerable to any Rocket type attacks!"
"Come on, twerp, you can do it!" shouted Meowth. "Slaughter that persian!"
"This one's for you, Meowth!" said Ash. "Pikachu, thunder-shock!"
"Ack! No!" said Zelda. "Abby, this is Zelda, remember? The one who raised you from an abra? The one who bought you at the game corner?"
::What? Oh, I guess our mind link isn't working right...::
"Abby! Look at the good that's in my heart!"
::Ha ha ha!:: "Piiikaaachuuu!!"
"Damn it!" said Zelda. "Bad kadabra! The second you're back in your original body, you're going into storage!" Zelda sighed. "Uhm...Jesse, James, a little help here?"
"We told you so," said James.
"Yeah...but I thought I believed in myself more than this!" whined Zelda.
"Don't worry," said Jesse. "We'll give you the help you need so badly..."
"Wow, Jesse," said Zelda, smiling. "That's why you're my favorite Rocket!"
"Arbok, bind!"
"Arbok, I think you're supposed to be attacking Pikachu," said Zelda as the massive cobra wrapped around her.
"Oh, no, he's doing the right thing," said Jesse.
"Wheezing, sludge attack," said James. "And aim for the mouth."
"Well, that shut her up," said Jesse a few seconds later.
"Kill me..." said Zelda.
"Wow...Team Rocket really is vicious and backstabbing," said Ash.
"Actually, can you really blame them for this?" asked Misty.
"I think your stupid Arbok broke my ribs," said Zelda in a quiet, "I'm in some severe pain" voice.
"Let's frame her for stealing that guy's diglett," suggested James.
Jesse shook her head. "Let's leave her in rock tunnel."
"No!" Zelda screamed. "Please...I can't take anymore of those awful stupid, stupid mazes!!"
"Or we could put her in the Silph building," suggested Jesse. "And break the elevator."
"Noo!!"
"That sounds like a good idea, Jesse," said James. "But in Rock Tunnel it'd be awfully dark without that raichu..."
"I've got an idea," said Meowth. "If she ever makes it out of Rock Tunnel, den we can leave her in Silph!"
"I hate you guys," Zelda muttered Cartman style.
"There's the Sea Foam islands too," Meowth added.
Zelda was starting to look very panicked. Okay...I could use reverse psycology and say that I love the Seafoam Islands, but they'll put me there anyways because they know I hate it, and if I say I hate it, then they'll take me there anyways because I said I hate it unless they think I like it in which case I'll just end up in Rock Tunnel which might be worse, even though the last time I went to the Sea Foam islands I couldn't get off crappy island #1 although... "I love the Sea Foam islands," she finally said.
Jesse and James exchanged a glance. "Rock Tunnel," they said.
"After we steal the rest of her pokemon," added Jesse.
Zelda soon found herself tied up. "Why aren't my noble pokemon coming to my rescue?" said Zelda. "Mr. Magic, rescue attack now!" Nothing happened. "Buttercup, rescue attack!"
"James, how many boxes are left?" asked Jesse.
"Just the one!" James said cheerfully.
Meowth held up a bag of crap. "And we can leave before da Boss finds out dat half of 'em are level 15 and under!"
Jesse laughed evilly. "The perfect crime! Now find something that can fly us to Rock Tunnel!"
"Huh?"asked Ash, Misty, and Brock.
"HMs, you moron!" said Zelda. "You can teach your pokemon to fly you places!"
Jesse and James sighed. "Is there anyway to shut her up?" asked James.
Jesse pulled out the duct tape. "I'll be good," Zelda whimpered.
"Found one," said James. "Can we duct tape her mouth shut anyway?"
Zelda tried to squirm away from Jesse. "Don't you think I'm cute?"
"What?" asked James.
"Don't you find yourself strangely attracted to me? Come on, James! Freaking tell your partner not to do this to me! You can't resist me!"
"Jesse, she's starting to scare me..."
Jesse pulled off a strip of duct tape from the roll, then chucked the roll at Zelda. "Ow! You crack whore! You're just jealous because...uhm...James thinks I'm cute," Zelda snapped.
Jesse glared at her. "Before I duct tape your mouth shut, just because you're annoying me, of course..."
"Of course," said Zelda, Meowth, and James. Zelda and Meowth rolled their eyes while James looked a bit depressed.
"Give me one big reason why you're better looking than I am."
"I have normal hair," said Zelda, sticking her tongue out at Jesse.
"Who cares?" asked Jesse. "My boobs are bigger."
"What?! Your boobs are so not bigger!" Both girls turned to Brock. "Who has bigger breasts don'ttouchme?"
Brock started blushing and twitching. "I...uhmm...uhh-uhhh-huh huhh..." Brock collapsed from the strain.
"I can't believe I missed Reawor for dis!" said Meowth.
Zelda sighed sadly. "I'm never going to be a Reawor master," she said, tears coming to her eyes. "I hate the Exceptional Four!"
"Huh?" asked Misty and Jesse. Brock would have been puzzled as well had he not passed out.
"Da Exceptional Four are da top world leaders of Reawor," said Meowth. "To beat the game, you have to assassinate them and take over deir countries!"
"Great game," said Misty.
Before Ash, Meowth, or Zelda could say anything else, a Reawor ad flashed on a nearby TV. "Who are they?" asked Zelda at the sight of two other Team Mafia members.
"Are dey gonna replace Jeremy and Jane?" asked Meowth.
Ash pulled out his official Readex, available at finer retail stores everywhere, and held it up to the TV. "Bobby and Cindy," said the Readex. "Two lesser known members of Team Mafia."
"Can we go back to hurling her into Rock Tunnel?" asked Jesse.
"Please don't take me back to headquarters and give me all your money," said Zelda, hoping to Br'er Rabbit her way out of her current mess. "If I had friends, they'd be here helping me right--mmmph!!" Zelda found her mouth duct taped shut once again.
"Da persian stays," said Meowth.
"Meowth, you know how the Boss feels about persians," said Jesse. Jesse didn't realize that this might not be the most sensitive thing to say until after Meowth had scratched her. "Watch it, you stupid cat, or you're going to end up in Rock Tunnel too!"
"And weren't we doing something too?" asked Misty, nudging Brock with her foot.
"Mmmphh mmmmmmff mmm?" Zelda asked, giving Jesse and James a pleading look.
"No," said Jesse.
"Team Rocket doesn't need any more little wackos," added James.
Zelda turned to Ash. "No way!" said Ash. "You're in Team Rocket!" He thought for a moment. "Of course, Team Rocket is threatening to leave you wandering in the pitch blackness of Rock Tunnel..." Ash turned away from the group for some reflection. His spunky protagonist sense didn't seem to be tingling as it always did whenever he needed to butt in and solve a problem. Then again, no one deserved to be stuck in Rock Tunnel for the rest of their life. And he had sort of helped Team Rocket when they were trapped on the S. S. Anne...sure, he'd had bulbasaur withdraw its vines before Team Rocket was across and he had left them to die without water pokemon...but...Ash turned back around. "Don't worry, Zelda, I'll...oh." Team Rocket was gone. Ash shrugged. "Oh well. Let's go find a gym!"
"It sure is dark in here," said James. He and Jesse were clinging tightly to each other, forcing Meowth to drag the kicking and screaming Zelda as well as the sack of pilfered pokeballs.
"Mmmm!! Mmmphh mmmff mmmm mmm mmff!"
"Shrieky says to use Princess R's flash," said Meowth.
"How are we supposed to know which one's Princess R?" asked James.
"I say we just leave her here and get out!" said Jesse.
"Right," said Meowth and James, nodding.
"Mmmmph!"
"What?" asked Jesse, ripping the duct tape off of Zelda's mouth.
"Can you at least leave me Shylock?" Zelda asked pitifully. "It's not like he can do anything that'll help me get out..."
Jesse turned to her teammates. "Yes," said Meowth.
"We might as well," said James. "After all, you know how much the Boss loves the persian he already has..."
Jesse nodded. "Nothing could convince him to replace it," she said.
"I hate you both," snapped Meowth. He threw a pokeball at Zelda, hitting her in the face. "Here's your crappy persian!"
"Thank you," said Zelda. Team Rocket then hurried back towards the exit. "Well, Shylock," Zelda said once she had somehow managed to open the pokeball while still tied up, "looks like you're going to have to find the way out..."
Shylock yawned, licked his shoulder several times, then curled up in a ball and went to sleep.
"Shylock! You can see in the dark!" whined Zelda. Shylock started purring, then rolled over on his side to look up at his trainer. "Aww...now cut through these stupid ropes so I can pet you." Shylock yawned and rolled away from her. "Stupid cat...I should've asked them for my wigglytuff."
As they started walking back in the where they needed to be to encounter Ash the next day direction, James looked back at Rock Tunnel and sighed. "We should've kept the persian," he said.
Jesse nodded. "We wouldn't even have to fight with it," she said. "We could just keep it around as sort of a mascot..."
"Yeah..." They were both ripped away from another dream sequence involving money, nice clothes, and a persian by Meowth's claws on their faces.
"I'm not speaking to either one of you," he said.
Oh no...will Zelda and Shylock ever get out of rock tunnel? Or will they be doomed to forever stumble around in the darkness? Tune in next time to find out!