by Zelda
Disclaimer: Don't own anyting...any ripping off of any other Christmas specials was, duh, probably intentional.
Rating: PG-13. And all for the question "Do the elves ever grope Santa?"
Other: Yes, it’s the Christmas special they didn’t want you to see…why? One word: mistletoe. Zelda knows some fun facts about mistletoe…if you’re old enough to handle them, she can send ‘em to you! Just write to your Sicko Santa and at least pretend you’re old enough to be horribly corrupted and disillusioned.(just swear a lot. That’s a good sign of being corrupted!)
It was that time of year again…Christmas was only a few days away and the pathetic hand turkeys that had lined the walls of Team Rocket Headquarters were at least being covered with pictures of Santa Claus. Giovanni sighed as he passed another doorway. Just like every other year, some smart ass had hung mistletoe in almost every doorway. And the last thing that Team Rocket, an organization that would be doing much better if it dealt in sexual repression, tension, and frustration instead of pokemon, needed was mistletoe. In this particular doorway were Henry and Starr. Giovanni cleared his throat.
“Mistletoe!” Henry and Starr quickly said, pointing desperately upwards.
“Get back to work!” Giovanni growled. “And when you leave this building, I want you to leave through a window, understand?” Giovanni sighed as Starr started combing her curly pink hair back into a state of normalcy and Henry looked as if he wanted to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment. The leader of Team Rocket kept walking. This hall seemed to be the worst off in terms of mistletoe. Which was probably a good thing, since Giovanni was trying to find Jesse and James. The next afflicted doorway, however, contained Butch and Cassidy.
“Mistletoe!”
“I noticed. Now, I thought you two were going to be cleaning up after that little breeding center fiasco…”
“We just got caught up in the holiday spirit,” said Cassidy.
“Mmm.”
After stumbling across Joaquin and Murieta, Print and Olive, and Henry and Starr again, Giovanni stopped, stared thoughtfully at a left over hand turkey. His persian rubbed against his legs. Maybe they’re actually doing their job…maybe they’ve even caught that rare Pikachu…Giovanni burst out laughing.
Jesse was in her headquarters room, staring at the ceiling. As she looked around her room, she couldn’t help thinking that she was forgetting something. Except for three or four years worth of hand turkeys taped to the wall next to a two year old calender, everything seemed normal.
“Mistletoe in the closet?”
Jesse looked down and saw Meowth. “Hanging it on the door is so cliched,” she replied.
“And doesn’t give you enough selection…” Meowth then looked at the door. “And dere’s mistletoe dere too…”
“Just tell me what happened to that castle we had last year!”
“Some castle…” muttered Meowth. “It had one bed…and it probably exploded, just like all of our other nice things.” Meowth sighed, then asked, “Should we try to rob Santa Claus again this year?”
Jesse shook her head. “We’re going to dress up as mall Santas and hope the Pikachu brat shows up.” She thought for a moment. “Did I forget the costumes?”
“You done your Christmas shopping yet?”
Jesse froze. “Oh no!” Jesse exclaimed. “That’s what I forgot!”
“And only two shopping days left,” Meowth reminded her.
“Meowth, can I get some money from you?”
“What?”
“Pay day this chair.”
“No!”
Jesse glared at him. “Just do it, or I’m going to give you a trip to the hospital for Christmas!”
Meowth sighed. “I’ve got a better idea,” he said, pulling out a dreidl.
“Meowth, we’re not Jewish.”
“So?”
“So we have no idea how to play…whatever the dreidl game’s called!”
Meowth shrugged. “It’s simple,” he said. “You spin the dreidl and then it lands on a side and…if it lands on…uhm…we can figure it out!”
“Does pay day really take that much effort?” asked Jesse, reluctantly sitting on the floor across from him.
“Dis is much more fun…”
When James entered fifteen minutes later, his first question was, “What’re you doing?”
“Playing dreidl,” said Meowth.
“Who’s winning?”
“We don’t have a clue,” said Jesse. “This was Meowth’s idiotic idea.”
“She was gonna make me use pay day,” Meowth added. “Just because she forgot—“
Jesse quickly clapped a hand over Meowth’s mouth. “I just need some extra cash,” Jesse said, giving her partner an innocent smile. “And we need to get the Boss something for Christmas.” As well as a few other people… she thought to herself.
It was at that moment that James realized he’d, in the midst of the post-Thanksgiving fun of massive failure, forgotten to do any of his Christmas shopping either. He also, in this same moment, realized that he had zero chance of living until December 26th unless this problem was quickly remedied. “Well, while we’re trying to capture Pikachu, we should probably do some shopping…”
Jesse nodded. “You want to see the costumes I got for us?” she asked.
James looked at the closet. “Of course…”
Meowth turned away, covered his ears, and began singing “The Dreidl Song” to try to block out the Christmas cheer that was starting to go on behind him.
“This isn’t fraternization, is it?” James asked during an air break.
“Of course not,” said Jesse. “We’re just…celebrating the holidays!”
“Oh, dreidl, dreidl, dreidl, I made you out of clay,” Meowth sang. He took a pointy-toed shoe to the head. “Anti-Semites,” he muttered.
“You’re not Jewish,” Jesse and James mumbled at him.
“I’m expanding my horizons,” Meowth said. “Now stop that before I call the Boss.”
“No need,” said Giovanni from the doorway.
“Mistletoe!” screamed Jesse and James, pointing at the mistletoe and not helping their case by clinging to each other in fear.
“There?” Giovanni sighed. “Not that I’m surprised to see either one of you in the closet…”
Meowth snickered. “Is there anything we can do for you, Boss?” asked Jesse, stepping away from her partner and trying to control her fist of death.
“Actually, I’ve decided to give you three the rest of the week off.”
Jesse, James, and Meowth stared at him. “Is this a trick?” asked Jesse.
“Or is it a new way of telling us we’re fired?” asked James.
“Who are you and what’ve you done with our real boss?” screeched Meowth.
Giovanni smirked. “Oh, no, I’m completely serious. It’s my way of thanking you for never asking for worker’s comp.” He laughed. “You’ve saved me millions of dollars…”
Once Giovanni had left, Jesse, James, and Meowth sighed. “We should’ve filed for worker’s comp,” said Jesse.
“Then we would’ve been able to retire,” added James.
“Do you realize what would happen if we were able to capture Pikachu?” asked Jesse, her eyes brightening.
“Oh no…” groaned James.
“And on our time off?”
“Hell would freeze over?”
“No,” said Jesse, whacking him with the pointy toed shoe she’d thrown at Meowth. “We might actually get a Christmas bonus this year!” would mean more money to buy presents with she added.
“But, Jesse, the Boss gave us a bonus last year,” James reminded her.
“Yes, but it’s a bit hard to divide a quarter two ways…”
James shrugged. “We got gum…and this year, I want it first!”
“Ash, if you’re going to make us sit through another god awful Reawor show, you’re not going to make it to the next millenium,” said Misty as they entered the mall.
“Relax, Misty,” said Ash. “I’m just going to visit Santa! And the next millenium assuming it starts in the year 2000 or the next millenium assuming it starts in 2001?”
“It doesn’t matter! You’d be dead today!”
“Oh…”
“Do you think I could get Togepi’s picture taken with Santa?” Misty wondered aloud, holding up her pokemon.
“Togii, togii!” squealed Togepi, very happy that he was remembered this time.
Over in Santa’s village, one of Santa’s elf helpers was examining her nails and resisting the urge to whack the next small child with a candy cane. Yes, the elf was of course Jesse, who was ready to scream the next time she heard the phrase, “I wanna pony.”
James was also starting to suffer from intense boredom. “I want a bicycle,” said the child on his lap.
“Jet Moto? Great, uh-huh, here’s a candy cane, next!”
“No, a bicycle,” said the child.
“Twisted Metal? Super. Next!”
“I want a bicycle!”
“Come on, Timmy,” said the child’s mother. “I’m sure there’s a nicer Santa at Macy’s.”
“Next,” said James. He then leaned closer to Jesse. “Jesse, how much longer are we going to do this for?”
Jesse smiled. “Not much longer,” she said as Ash and Pikachu leapt onto James’ lap.
“Ooof!”
“Hi, Santa! I’m Ash Ketcham, from Pallet Town!” announced Ash.
“We’re still in Pallet Town,” muttered Misty.
Brock, meanwhile, was staring at Jesse. “Wow,” he said to Misty. “She can jingle my bells any time!”
“And this is Pikachu, my pikachu!” Ash continued.
“Oh, what a nice pikachu!” said Jesse.
“And what would you and Pikachu like for Christmas?” asked James.
“Well, I want to be a pokemon master!”
Misty sighed. “I don’t think Santa can give you that, Ash,” she said. “Being a pokemon master comes from within, right, Brock? Brock?”
“Hmmm, that elf seems really familiar,” said Misty.
“And so does her attitude,” added Ash.
“You’re going to blow our cover!” Meowth hissed at Jesse.
Pikachu pulled out a list of poorly scribbled “pika’s”. “Pika pi pikachu ka pika pi,” he said, handing James the list.
“He says dat he’s been very good this year,” Meowth translated.
“Oh really?” asked James. “You haven’t been thunder-shocking beautiful, defenseless people?”
“Defenseless?” asked Jesse.
"Beautiful?" asked Meowth.
“Pi…pikachu,” said Pikachu, his ears drooping.
“He says only Team Rocket,” said Meowth.
“Ka chu pika pikachu pika pi!”
“But he’s only deliberately shocked his trainer a few times.”
“You’ve deliberately shocked me?” Ash cried.
“Ka pikachu pika pika chu pika!” Pikachu added proudly.
“And he wants you to know that he always tries his hardest and loves everyone,” Meowth translated.
James raised an eyebrow. “Everyone?”
“Piii…” Pikachu looked away. “Chu pika pika…”
“Not Team Rocket,” Meowth elaborated.
“Big surprise,” muttered Ash.
James stood up, knocking both Ash and Pikachu to the floor. “Santa needs to have a little talk with his elves,” he said, dragging his teammates back into the small shed labeled “Santa’s Workshop”.
“James, what’re you doing?” Jesse hissed. “We need to catch it, not yell at it!” She thought for a moment. “Well…we can yell at it after we catch it!”
“Jesse, this plan sucks,” James said, tearing off his fake beard. “I can’t take anymore of those awful children! I wanna trade places!”
“No,” Jesse snapped. She adjusted her little elf hat and looked at Meowth. “Meowth, make sure the brats don’t leave. I think Santa needs a lesson in the true meaning of Christmas…”
Meowth smirked at James. “You’re in for it now!” he laughed, then hurried back outside to Ash and friends.
Jesse quickly shut the door behind him. She very slowly turned towards her partner and pulled a small object out of her pocket. “You’re going to poison me, aren’t you?” James asked.
“Not quite,” said Jesse, holding a sprig of mistletoe over her head. “I just wanted to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas…”
“Peace on earth and everyone else’s presents?”
“Not quite,” said Jesse, grabbing him by his fake fur collar.
Ash and Pikachu were on their third candy canes when they started to get impatient. “Where’s Santa?” Ash asked.
“I told you, Santa’s talking with his elves about some very important matters!” Meowth snapped. “But feel free to tell me what you want for Christmas, and I’ll tell Santa.”
Ash, Misty, and Brock looked suspiciously at him. “Are you an important elf?” asked Ash.
“Yes,” Meowth replied. “I’m da top ca—elf!”
“Really?” asked Misty.
“Yes,” said Meowth.
“Pika-pika pikachu,” said Pikachu, reading from his list. (“First, I’d like some booty,”)
“Wouldn’t we all,” muttered Meowth.
“Then why isn’t Santa talking to you now?” asked Ash.
“Because he needed me to take care of such an important matter,” Meowth replied. “Here, have some more candy canes!” Noticing that the children waiting in line behind Ash were starting to get rowdy, Meowth threw a few candy canes in their direction as well. He then walked back over to “Santa’s Worshop” and banged on the door. “How’s dat lesson in da true meaning of Christmas coming?” He then made the mistake of opening the door. Jesse and James looked up and gave him their standard, “oh crap, we’re caught” deer in headlights stare. Meowth immediately slammed the door shut again, but the damage was already done.
“Ahhh!! What’s Jesse trying to do to Santa Claus now?” screamed Ash.
“Ash, that’s not Santa Claus,it’s James, and how dumb are you?” asked Misty. She and Brock started dragging Ash in the food court direction. “Excuse us,” Misty said to Meowth. “We’ll be back for the epic battle in just a few minutes.”
Meowth opened the door again and found basically the same scene. “I think it’s time you two learned what Christmas is all about,” he said.
Over in the food court…
“Ash, I think it’s time you learned what love is all about,” Brock began.
“You see, Ash, when two people love each other very much,” Misty began.
“Misty, does that really apply here?” asked Brock.
“I don’t know…does it?”
Brock shrugged. “I dunno.”
“Fine,” said Misty. “When two people are in the same area day after day and one of them wears a really trampy outfit, eventually they decide to start…showing their…being in the same area day after dayness.”
“Christmas isn’t about making out in a small shed in a mall Christmas display,” Meowth was saying. “It’s about peace on earth and Santa Claus and presents…”
“What about—“
Jesse quickly clapped a hand over her partner’s mouth. “James, the rest of us would like to have a commercially successful, secular Christmas.” James gave her a look. Jesse’s expression suddenly got very interesting.
Meowth glared at them. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but if you don’t stop, I’m going to sing.”
Jesse jerked her hand away. She and James both sighed. “We’ll behave,” James agreed.
“Until later,” Jesse muttered.
“Let me put it this way, Ash,” Brock was saying. “You know how whenever Jesse and James are scared, they hug each other?”
“Uh-huh?”
“Well…the ultimate expression of being in the same area day after dayness is sort of like a…special hug.”
Ash squinted. “I think I understand…so…people can only do that when they’re afraid of something!”
Misty slapped her forehead with her hand. “Ash, you dummy! You’re ten years old! How can you be so clueless?!”
“I come from a sheltered home?”
“But what we saw is what could be called ‘foreplay,’” Brock continued.
Misty sighed. “I’m never trusting a mall Santa again,” she announced.
“Hey, Brock, did you learn all this stuff from studying to be a pokemon breeder?”
“Well, Ash, the relationship between a man and woman is much more complex than that between a female pokemon and a male pokemon,” said Brock. “But basically, yeah.”
“Now, people decorate Christmas trees because Christmas trees are pretty,” Meowth was saying. “And mistletoe, despite what Team Rocket Headquarters would have you think, is not meant to inspire orgies!”
“It wasn’t an orgy!” snapped Jesse.
“You need at least six people for an orgy,” added James.
“And we give presents because people like presents,” Meowth continued. “And if you don’t want to give someone a present, you give them a card, hint hint, late shoppers.”
“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Jesse and James told each other in unison. Then their eyes narrowed. “Do you?”
Meowth sighed. Dey should just do what I do: homemade gifts… he thought. “Any also, Santa does not grope his elves! He uses them as cheap, sweatshop labor.” James raised his hand. “Yes, James?”
“Do the elves ever grope Santa?”
“No! And neither does Mrs. Claus.”
“Even though they’re married?” asked Jesse.
“They took vows of celibacy.”
Jesse and James looked at him skeptically. “I don’t remember that being a part of Christmas,” said Jesse.
“Well, Jess, you are the one who thought Santa Claus was a jynx…” James said.
Jesse whacked him with a candy cane. “Anyone could’ve made that mistake!”
Meowth and James exchanged a glance. “Anyone who’s a retard,” Meowth snickered.
“Meowth, I believe the correct term is ‘differently abled,’” said James.
“I poisonally prefer ‘mentally challenged,’” said Meowth.
“You two are the ones who are mentally challenged!” screamed Jesse, whacking both of them with paper fans.
“Dat is another example of what Christmas is not about,” said Meowth, rubbing his head. “Christmas is about presents and Christmas trees and peace on earth and love—“
“So what’s your problem?” asked James as he and Jesse folded their arms across their chests.
“Not dat kind of love! Warm, happy, let’s go visit Grandma and put up with crazy Uncle David and avoid derranged Great-Aunt Griselda like the plague love!” Noticing their confused glances, he added, "Family love, not backseat love."
Jesse and James looked at each other. “Team Rocket is like a little family…” said Jesse.
“A little vicious backstabbing family,” said James. He thought for a moment. “Just like my real family…” he sighed sadly.
Meowth gave Jesse a significant look. “Pretty accurate actually,” he said.
“Yes, just like a little family!” said Jesse. “Now get the hell out.”
“Well, I’m sick of your incest!” Meowth screeched at her. “Now fix yourselves up and get back out there! I’m going to go get the brats.”
Jesse and James watched him leave. Still looking straight ahead, Jesse asked her partner, “Do you really think of Team Rocket as a family?”
“No.”
“Good. Me neither.”
“Pikachu pikaaa?” asked Pikachu.
“Yes, I’m taking you to see Santa,” said Meowth.
“Kaa!” cheered Pikachu.
“I’m so confused,” said Ash.
“I think we should let his mom explain the rest of this crap to him,” said Misty.
Brock nodded. “Or there’s always instructional videos. They’re free at Blockbuster.”
“Now, here we are, outside Santa’s Workshop,” Meowth said loudly. “I’m going to open the—didn’t I tell you two to stop that?”
Jesse and James turned to give him their same blank stare again. Jesse’s arms remained around her partner’s neck, and one of James’ hands remained on Jesse’s waist. The other hand didn’t move either.
“Pikaa!” screamed Pikachu, covering his eyes.
“Traditionally, Santa would be making toys in his workshop,” said Meowth.
“Could you close the door?” asked Jesse.
Meowth pulled out a dictionary. “One more thing first. ‘Denounce. A verb meaning to –“
“We know what it means,” said Jesse and James.
“Uh-huh,” said Meowth. “Are you sure? Because I can use it in a sentence…for example, ‘Our goal is to denounce the evils of truth and love,’”
“I don’t think they’re listening,” said Misty, starting to blush.
“Remember when we discussed the meaning of Christmas?” asked Meowth.
“Mmm…”
“I’ll take dat as a yes,” said Meowth.
“Oh, James…”
Meowth cleared his throat. “Anyways, what did we agree the meaning of Christmas was?”
“Something about crazy Uncle Griselda,” said Jesse.
“And peace on earth and candy canes,” added James.
“Now get out.”
Meowth deretracted his claws. “I don’t think so,” he said.
The next thing he knew, he, Ash, Misty, Brock, Pikachu, and Togepi found themselves outside Santa’s Workshop, facing a mob of angry children and their parents. “The door’s locked,” said Meowth. “Open da door!”
“No!” called Jesse.
“Remember all that time we bought from you?” called James.
Meowth sighed. That had, in retrospect, been a bad idea, despite all the income it had gotten him. “Yes…”
“How much do we have left?” asked Jesse.
“A year and a half.” He could practically hear them grinning idiotically.
“We’d like…” Jesse paused. Meowth heard whispering and what sounded like James being hit upside the head. “A day.”
Ash and his friends glared at Meowth. “Dis isn’t Meowth’s fault,” Meowth said, backing away.
Pikachu wiped a few tears from his eyes. “Pii kaa!” he wailed.
“I know you wanted to see Santa Claus,” Ash said, hugging his pokemon. Tears were starting to come to his eyes. “But it looks like Team Rocket’s ruined Christmas and now no one’s going to have a happy holiday!” He looked over at Santa’s Workshop. “Well…maybe not no one…”
Later…James was leaning against the wall, now dressed in his Team Rocket uniform. Jesse, wearing her uniform, was sitting next to him. “You ever wonder what if would be like to go home for Christmas?” James asked.
“James, you know we can’t go back,” Jesse said, taking his hand. “Especially not after the cards we sent our parents last year…”
James giggled. “That was great…even though I signed your name instead of mine.” He quickly shielded his face. “Uhm, Jesse, why aren’t you hitting me?”
“Because I did the exact same thing.”
“Oh. So instead of vicious revenge,”
“We just confused the hell out of them.”
“Maybe we can get our vicious revenge this year this year...”
The next night, Meowth was putting ice on the bruises he’d received from the mob of angry children and their mothers are well as the ones he’d received from Ash and friends when he saw a shadow slinking towards the door. “Where are you going?” he asked.
“Shh!” Jesse hissed at him. “James thinks I’m asleep!” As she reached for the doorknob, her hand brushed against something. Jesse and James both screamed.
“I thought you were asleep!” they both yelled.
“I…just…uhm…”
“I remembered that…”
“I need to buy pokeballs!” said James.
“I need…girl stuff!” Jesse said.
As his teammates continued smiling desperately and scurried out the door, Meowth sighed and pulled out some clay and glitter. “Dey’ve got to remember sooner next year,” he sighed to himself. “Otherwise I’ll kill them.”
Since it was about ten o’clock on Christmas Eve, Walmart was the only store open. Jesse sighed as she looked around. She had never seen so much crap in her life. “I might as well be shopping at the dollar store,” she muttered as she picked up the latest from the Kathy Lee Gifford Collection.
“I can’t believe you forgot to buy your mom a Christmas present!”
At the sound of Misty’s familiar nagging, Jesse leapt behind a Christmas display.
“Ka chu,” sniffled Pikachu, rubbing his eyes.
“Oh, I know you wanted to see Santa Claus, Pikachu. But don’t worry! We’ll make sure Team Rocket pays for this!”
Pikachu looked up, his eyes all wobbly. “Pika pika?”
“I promise!”
Jesse snickered to herself. “Capturing that Pikachu would be the best Christmas present ever,” she said. Hearing what sounded like another voice saying it with her, she turned to her left and saw James staring back at her.
Meanwhile, Brock was walking slightly behind his younger friends, singing to himself. “Oh, MIB, oh, MIB, please don’t you neuralize me…”
“Brock!” Ash and Misty yelled at him.
“Sorry.”
“Now…what should I get my mom…?” Ash wondered aloud. “I know! I bet she wants to be a pokemon master!”
“Ash, that’s you,” said Brock.
“Well, let’s see…your mom likes to cook!” said Misty.
“Yeah!” said Ash. “Uhm…so…”
“We get her a blender or something,” said Misty, starting to drag him towards the appliance section.
Team Rocket’s Pikachu stealing plot had been severely delayed by a trip through the electronics section. They were currently looking quizzically at an animated Christmas special. “It’s not such a bad little tree—“
“Yes it is,” said Jesse and James.
“It just needed a little love!”
“Next!” said Jesse, changing the channel.
“…but since reindeer were scare, there was none to be found,”
“What’s a…reindeer?” asked James.
“Who cares?” asked Jesse, changing it again.
“Spirits are high, so I can tell, it’s Christmas time in hell!”
Jesse and James watched the construction paper cut out men dance around and sing. “Well…it’s got violence…” said James.
“Still…” Jesse changed the channel again.
“Wow, Musa-chan! Look at all the things Annual Gift Giving Man brought us!”
“Hai!”
Jesse and James raised an eyebrow. “Well…it’s…different,” said Jesse.
“Hai. I mean, yeah,” said James. “What was wrong with the hairy green blob again?”
“Let’s go back to that little bald kid and his crappy tree,” said Jesse.
“Okay, Musa-chan!” James said cheerfully, giving her a peace sign.
Jesse whacked him with the remote. “Don’t call me that! Now, what were we supposed to be doing?”
“Shopping for—uh, capturing Pikachu!”
They looked at each other. “Well, since you still have to get pokeballs…” Jesse began.
“And you’ve got to buy…stuff…” James added.
“Maybe we should just put off capturing Pikachu…”
“Maybe we should…”
They both nodded and were about to slink back towards their respective last minute shopping excursions when Ash shouted, “Hey, it’s Team Rocket!”
“Crap,” sighed Jesse and James, taking out their pokeballs.
Three minutes later, one of Walmart’s friendly employees approached the small battling group. “Excuse me,” she said. “But I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“They started it,” said Jesse and James, pointing towards Ash and friends.
The Walmart lady squinted at Jesse and James. “Aren’t those Team Rocket uniforms?” she asked.
Jesse and James looked at each other and sighed. “We’ll leave,” Jesse agreed.
As they started trudging back home, Jesse violently kicked a can that was lying in the road. “Those brats are going to pay for this,” she said. “Is anywhere else still open?”
“7-11.”
Jesse grimaced at the thought and the flashback it brought with it… “Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like air fresheners!” She shuddered.
“Cold?” James asked her.
“Hmm…no, just…is there another WalMart nearby?”
Meanwhile, Ash and friends, who through the magic of not wearing big, red, obvious “R’s” on their chests had not been kicked out of WalMart, were still happily shopping. “I’m tired,” said Ash. “Maybe we should go home and sleep on it…”
“Ash, you dummy!” snapped Misty. “You can’t go home and sleep on it! Tomorrow is Christmas!”
“Oh yeah…but it’ll still be another day until Kwanzaa!”
Misty sighed. “But you’re not going to be celebrating Kwanzaa; you’re going to be celebrating Christmas, which is tomorrow!”
Ash picked up a blender. “How about this?”
Brock looked at his watch. “Well…since we’ve been here for about two hours…”
“It’s perfect,” said Misty. “After all, it’s the thought that counts!”
“Guys, don’t you remember what Christmas is all about?” said Ash. He was ready to go for the ultra-Christmas special moment, complete with snow and quiet music and peaceful holiday dignity. Unfortunately, there was no snow, “Grandma Got Run Over By a Rapidash” was blaring through the speakers, and he was in WalMart. “It’s about peace on earth and Santa Claus and…well…that’s not the true Judeo-Christian meaning of Christmas, but we have to keep this secular and…uhm…God bless us everyone!” Ash concluded, holding out his arms. Pikachu leapt into them, hugging his master as fake snow started falling.
“Uhm, Ash?” Misty began.
“Christmas isn’t Judeo-Christian,” said Brock.
“And you’re really not supposed to use ‘secular’ and ‘God bless us everyone’ in the same monologue,” added Misty.
“Come on, Pikachu,” said Ash. “Let’s get my mom a real Christmas gift!”
“Pika-pi!”
“Besides…I think we already have a blender…”
Brock nodded. “A blender is more of a third anniversary gift,” he said.
Jesse returned home at about four in the morning to the sounds of perky, disgusting theme music. To her disgust, Meowth had fallen alseep while watching god awful Christmas specials.
“Gee, Megan,” Adam was saying as Santa Claus visited the Reawor gang. Through the magic of late dubbing jobs, he was eleven again. “I’m sure glad Team Mafia didn’t kill Santa Claus.”
“Me too,” agreed Megan.
“Hey, let’s open our presents!” suggested Bob, their blind friend.
“Yeah!” cheered Adam.
The special then cut to Team Mafia. Jane and Jeremy where in the same bed with their talking dog Murphy. All three of them were holding shotguns. “Now when Santa Claus comes, we’ll blow his head off!” said Jane.
“Then I’ll be alpha wolf again!” cheered Murphy.
“But, Jane, why would Santa Claus come here after we tried to bump him off?” asked Jeremy.
Jane hit him with a pillow. “One word, Jeremy…”
“Cookies?”
“No, idiot! Revenge!”
“Why is this on at 4 AM?” Jesse asked.
Meowth opened his eyes. “I haven’t missed the special Christmas Rea-Aria, have I?”
Jesse sighed. “And you complain about me and James not being evil enough?”
“No…I complain about you two groping each other,” he said. “And being pansy wusses.” Jesse kicked him. “Hey! Santa Claus won’t give you any presents!”
“He can’t anyways. I’ve been awake. And fighting the redneck scum of the universe.”
“Ahh…WalMart. When you care enough to wait until the last minute!” Meowth stood up and tried to look into the bag. “More hair dye?”(see Unaired #8)
Jesse swapped him away. “Do we have any wrapping paper?”
“Does newspaper count?”
“No.”
“No. But we have newspaper…”
Jesse thought for a moment. “Do we have any really old newspaper so it won’t look like I waited until the last minute?”
Meowth nodded. “Under the couch.” He saw movement out of the corner of his eye. “James is trying to sneak in through the window. I’d suggest hiding somewhere else.” As Jesse hauled ass into their bedroom and locked the door, Meowth snickered. Sometimes there was nothing more amusing than two people who hadn’t managed to even buy presents until 4 AM on Christmas morning.
“Meowth—“ Meowth handed him some old newspaper. James shook his head. “No, I bought wrapping paper.”
“Wow…”
“Do we have any gift tags?”
“Do old business cards I swiped from da Boss count?”
James started to shake his head, but he then remembered the last three Christmases he’d celebrated in Team Rocket. “Yes. Give me one. Do we have any white-out?”
“Does—“
“Yes!” James was handed a business card and a bottle of white nail polish. “Jesse owns white nail polish?” he asked, wrinkling his nose.
“It gives my claws strength and shine!” snapped Meowth. “Now shut up or I’ll take it back! If you wanted high quality, you would’ve done your shopping on December 22nd or something!” He shook his head as he watched the pathetic use of white nail polish as white-out. “All I can say is you and Jesse better have gotten me something nice…”
James stopped, slowly put down the nail polish and business card, and hurried over to the bedroom. He knocked on the door. “Jesse, I think I dropped my lift key outside…help me look.”
Jesse opened the door a crack. “Oh my god…did we forget to buy Meowth a present again?” she whispered. James nodded. She hurried out the door, slamming it behind her, and started dragging James back in the WalMart direction. “You know what? It’s just not Christmas without…uhm…”
“Pez,” James whispered to her.
Having nothing better to say, Jesse continued, “No, it’s not Christmas, without Pez! Which we’re out of…”
“So we have to go buy some,” said James.
Meowth sighed. “You forgot da Boss' present?” he asked.
Jesse and James looked at each other, then nodded. “What should we get him?” asked James.
“A way to de-evolve dat crappy persian!”
Once they were out the door and running, James asked, “Do they sell guns at WalMart?”
Jesse hit him with a paper fan. “We are not getting him a gun! I’m too gorgeous to die!”
“Jesse, I’m sure that deep, down inside Meowth cares about us…”
“I’m still too pretty to be wounded.”
“Well…what do you get a small, talking pokemon with the desire to be his own master and to kill all of his evolved form?”
Jesse thought for a moment, something she rarely had time for while running like hell. “Bondage gear? And how does he keep from evolving?”
James shrugged. “What are we really going to get him?”
“Bondage gear?”
“Jesse!”
“Sorry…I stumbled across Meowth’s hentai collection last night…” Jesse shuddered. “Do you know what kind of sick crap he’s reading?”
“You’re going to tell me, aren’t you?” James asked in a scared little voice.
“The worst was the one about the threeway between Adam and Team Mafia…” Jesse was quiet for a moment. “James—“
“No!”
“I was going to suggest Mondo!”
“It’s still no!”
Jesse bit her lip. “Brock?”
“Maybe.” James then realized what he just agreed to and quickly said, “No!”
“Butch?”
“Only if we gag him. And still no…” He gave her a look. “Jesse, this isn’t very Christmasy…”
Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “And neither was your use of the term ‘stocking stuffer’ yesterday…”
“But…Mondo?”
“You’d prefer Brock?”
James stared at her. “I don’t even want to talk about this!” They both stopped running. “Why are we even outside in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve?”
“Because we forgot to buy Meowth a Christmas present again this year…”
James sighed. “Next year we’re doing Secret Santas,” he said.
Jesse put her hands on her hips. “We tried that, remember?” she asked. “I picked you, you picked me, and Meowth picked himself.”
“True…but that was also the one year Meowth was happy with what he got…” James sighed. “And it’s probably a bit late to assign Secret Santas now…”
“Probably…so what are we going to get him?”
They both thought for a moment. “A girlfriend?” asked James.
“What?”
“He’s obviously lonely…”
“James, you can’t get someone a girlfriend for Christmas. At least not through any legal means…”
“Jesse, we’re Team Rocket! When was the last time we did anything through legal means?” James asked. Seeing that his partner was briefly struck with a case of morals, he added, “Jesse, yesterday we made out in a mall Santa display, probably causing hundreds of children to become just as disillusioned as we were—“
“Those kids will never have as much emotional angst as I had!” said Jesse, starting to pout. “Santa Claus stole my doll!”
“Jesse, did you see how traumatized the twerp was? And he’s ten!”
Jesse laughed snidely. “He’s led a sheltered life…”
“Jesse, no matter how old I am, if I ever see Santa underneath one of his elves, I’m going to need some serious counseling.”
“James, you’re already a candidate for electroshock therapy. Now let’s just…ahhhh!!” Jesse started to collapse, her fists pressing against her temples.
“Mental image?” asked James, catching her my the elbows before she fell.
Jesse nodded. “Let’s just freaking find a meowth!”
“This could get painful,” said James as they started walking around in a patch of tall grass. “I mean…we can’t check to see if it’s female until we catch it.”
“Why bother?”
“Because Meowth is usually attracted to human females?”
Jesse gave him a flat look. “I read his erotica stash. Trust me, he’s not picky.” As they continued walking in a circle in the tall grass, she started blushing. “Are you sure you wouldn’t—“
“Yes! And if you got me a dog collar—“
“I didn’t…”
“Good. Or handcuffs—“
“James, I’ve known you long enough to know that only you know what sort of fetishy items to buy you.” She paused. "And I already own handcuffs."
"What?!"
Three hours later, while excited children all over the world in this time zone leapt up excitedly, jumped on their parents’ beds, and screeched about their presents, Team Rocket was dead to the world. Meowth, motivated by greed and the fact that he’d gotten a decent night’s sleep, was currently poking his teammates with a stick. “Wake up,” he said. “I wanna open my presents!”
Jesse mumbled what sounded like a very vulgar statement. “Jesse, ‘s Christmas,” mumbled James from beside her.
Meowth gave them both an especially hard jab. “Just watch me open my presents then you can go back to bed,” he said.
“Nnngh,” said Jesse and James as they staggered to their feet. They were both still in uniform, boots and all.
Meowth cheerfully picked up the circular object wrapped in newspaper with his name on it. “Oh, look, it’s for Meowth!” he said. “A pokeball? Is dis some sort of a sick joke?”
“We got you a chick,” said James.
“At least we think it’s a chick,” said Jesse.
“Wow…” Meowth squinted at them. “Is dis legal?”
“Meowth, we’re Team Rocket,” said Jesse.
“We made out in Santa’s Workshop,” added James.
“I read your hentai collection…”
“What was your favorite?” asked Meowth. “I like the one where Jeremy’s Jane’s dominatrix…”
Jesse shuddered. “Just open your stupid present.”
“Uhm…you’d better be a chick, go!”
A very pissed off female meowth emerged. “Meeeowth?”
Meowth nodded. His present lunged and started scratching him.
“Now this is what Christmas is all about,” said James, putting an arm around Jesse.
Jesse nodded. “We’re still just as close to being fired as we ever were, none of us have decent personal lives, and our tree cost ninety-nine cents and is half a foot tall…”
James snickered. “I can’t believe Meowth is getting beaten up by a girl…” Jesse whacked him with her stocking. “Oww!!”
“What’re you saying about girls?”
“Nothing,” said James, rubbing the growing bump on his head. “Did you fill it with quarters again?”
“No,” said Jesse. “Santa must have brought us something!” She and James squealed and hugged each other.
“What’d you get?”
Jesse reached into her stocking. “Coal. You?”
James reached into his stocking. “Coal.”
They both sighed. “Well…we did steal all the presents last year after plotting to capture Santa Claus,” said Jesse.
“And we are members of an international crime ring,” said James.
Jesse’s eyes flashed with anger. “It’s not like we killed anyone! We deserve something better than coal!”
“Jesse! James! Help!” screeched Meowth.
“Just evolve,” said Jesse.
“No! James, what should I do? You’re used to this!”
James thought for a moment. “Pretend to pass out,” he suggested. “And try to convince yourself that it’s misguided affection.” Jesse and James winced as Meowth’s new friend delivered what looked like an especially painful scratch. “Although misguided affection rarely causes that much blood…”
“Or leaves scars…” added Jesse.
“It probably won’t scar,” said James. “It’s probably going to hurt like hell for a few days…”
“Aaack!”
“So will that,” said Jesse. She sighed happily. “It just isn’t Christmas without bloodshed…I mean snow.”
James nodded. “Yeah…I think the best part of Christmas is sitting in the emergency room…uhm…I mean, making snow angels!”
“Well…since we’re close enough to Pallet Town for it to be a tropical climate, we’ll only get to do one of those things…” Jesse sighed.
“Don’t worry, Jesse. I’m sure we’ll be able to make snow angels someday,” said James. “And the emergency room should be fun…especially since it won’t be me this year!”
Meowth managed to crawl over to his teammates. “Ohh…it hurts…please…get her…aaaaahh!!” Meowth’s present started clawing the crap out of him again.
“I can’t believe him,” said Jesse.
“He didn’t even say thank you,” added James.
“Coal?!” Ash yelled, pulling out the contents of his stocking. “But I’ve been good all year!”
“Ash, you slacked off in your Pokemon League training, forgot to buy your mom a present, neglecting your pokemon even though you only have about six, .” Misty explained. “And then there was that lawsuit from Jesse and James…”
“They sued me first!” said Ash.
“Yes, but you were the one who was held in contempt of court for petty name calling!”
“Then why did I get coal?” asked Brock.
“Because you’re a slut,” said Misty. “What I don’t understand is why I got coal…”
“Pokemon abuse,” said Ash and Brock.
Pikachu turned his stocking upside down and squealed happily as candy, apples, and little toys fell out. “Piiikaa!” he laughed, then ran to the sink to fill up his new vaporeon water gun.
Ash, Misty, and Brock glared at him. “How come Santa Claus brought him presents?” asked Brock.
“He’s even meaner to Team Rocket than I am!” said Ash. “Aughh!!” Ash screamed as Pikachu sprayed water on him and giggled.
“Aww, he’s so cute,” sighed Misty.
“Let’s give him all of our presents,” suggested Brock.
“Togii! Togii!” said Togepi.
“Aww,” sighed Misty.
Pikachu’s eyes narrowed with the familiar gleam of the jealous older child. He reached into his stocking, starting to hope the older sibling’s hope that Santa had given him a real gun…
Ash being an only child, was completely obvious. Brock and Misty, however…Misty, seeing the familiar look that meant “wrath,” hugged Togepi tightly to her chest. Brock, after having to take care of screaming brats, started smiling evilly.
“Pika, pika pika chu!” snapped Pikachu. (“You’re going down, you sickening blob!”)
“Toge-brrii!” said Togepi. (“I love you!”)
“Pika-pi ka chu!”
“Breee-eee!”(“Will you be my friend?”)
“Uh, what’s happening?” asked Ash.
“Sibling rivalry,” said Brock. “You see, after the territory of the older sibling is invaded by—“
“Brock, you’ve got it all wrong,” said Misty. “The cruel, evil, selfish older siblings exist only to—“
“Misty, you may be an expert on water, but I’m an expert on—“
“Do you want to take this outside?” Misty screamed, now oblivious to the fact that Pikachu was thunder-shocking Togepi.
Jesse and James looked down at Meowth. His present was sitting on the couch, licking her paw. “Are you okay?” asked Jesse.
“Nnnghh…”
“Do you think we should take him to the emergency room now?” asked James.
Jesse and James looked from their teammate to the presents still under the tree, then back to Meowth. Jesse looked at her partner. “James, we’ve spent our entire lives being greedy and selfish. I can’t remember the last time I thought about anything other than ourselves, and where has it gotten us?”
“So…should we become better people or continue being greedy and selfish?”
“James, it’s Christmas!” Jesse said, swatting him.
“Jesse, it’s us!”
“Of course we’re just going to open our presents!” said Jesse, handing him one of the many packages wrapped in old newspaper. “These are from Meowth.” They both checked the newspaper date before unwrapping them. “Awww, another ashtray!”
“We’d hug you, but you’re all bloody,” said James.
“Nnnnghh…medical attention…” groaned Meowth.
“Oh, James, we can always wash our clothes,” said Jesse.
Meowth screamed in pain as Jesse and James hugged him. “Merry Christmas!” they exclaimed.
Meowth’s Christmas present looked at them disdainfully. “Meowth,” she snapped.
“So’s your mother,” Meowth managed to gasp.
Jesse and James screamed and quickly moved away from Meowth as Meowth’s Christmas present lunged, claws out. “Maybe we should help him,” said James.
“James, we agreed to continue being our greedy, selfish selves,” said Jesse.
James folded his arms across his chest. “You’re afraid of her, aren’t you?”
“Aren’t you?”
“Yes…extremely…” They mutely handed each other their gifts. “Do we have any repel?” asked James.
Jesse shook her head. “We might have a big stick…” She watched James start to open his gift and immediately assumed one of her standard self-confidence poses. “Don’t get too excited…it’s nothing special…” She then looked down at the present in her hands. Damn, he used real wrapping paper...there's even a bow on it...
“Oh, Jesse, it’s perfect! Open your present!”
Jesse did. Tears started coming to her eyes. “James, how did you know?” she asked, hugging a stuffed pikachu with a noose around its neck.
A few minutes later, Meowth lay on the floor, feeling the life slowly drain out of him. His teammates, on the other hand, were attacking a batch of cookies shaped and decorated like Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu. James was wearing the red sweater Jesse had gotten him. The stuffed Pikachu was hanging from a light fixture. “And then after we shoot them,” said Jesse, biting off Misty's head.
“And take all their pokemon,” said James.
“Except Misty’s,”
“Because they suck,”
“We quit Team Rocket,”
“Take over!”
“Even better…we take over Team Rocket,”
“We’ll be rich!”
“Who should we fire first?”
“Can’t you two write your New Year’s Resolutions?” asked Meowth. “Or at least help me fend off dat—aaaaaahhh!!” Meowth was suddenly feeling the fury of his Christmas present again.
“How cute,” said Jesse, pausing before she ripped a cookie Ash's little arms off.
“They really seem to be getting along,” said James.
“I don’t think Meowth’s getting enough oxygen to his brain though,” said Jesse. “What do we need to change?”
“Well, we could resolve to stop being such failures…”
Jesse stared with mild feelings of fear as a Brock-cookie had its head ripped off. “It’s not our fault,” said Jesse. “It’s those stupid brats! Still, we need to do something glamorous for New Year’s Eve. It is the last New Year’s Eve of the millenium…”
“Doesn’t the millenium technically start in 2001?” asked James.
“It won’t matter if we all die because our computers crash and the porygons break loose and give us seizures,” said Jesse. “For one thing…I need a date…”
Meowth shuddered. Another painful tradition seemed to be continuing here…
Jesse looked at her partner. “You know, Jesse, you’re right,” said James. “I need a date too.”
Jesse resisted the urge to scream. Idiot, that was supposed to be…you were supposed to ask…well, I might as well see what he comes up with…
“I wish I was dead,” said Meowth.
“Meeeeow!” snapped his Christmas present.
Meowth sighed and attempted to look at his teammates who seemed to be having another one of their little romantic stand-offs. “Why did you have to catch me a bitchy one?” he asked.
New Year’s Eve, 10:59 PM.
Jesse and James were both in uniform and slumped in front of the couch binging on potato chips. “How much longer until they drop that stupid discoball?” asked Jesse.
“You couldn’t find anyone either, could you?” asked James.
“No one good enough for me,” said Jesse.
Not that I looked they both managed to think in unison.
“Do we have any stored food, just in case?” asked Jesse. James held up the bag of chips. “Close enough.”
After a brief silence, James said, “You know, Jesse, if all the power does go out, it would be a perfect time to steal a lot of pokemon…”
Jesse looked at him for a moment. Close enough she thought. In a whisper she asked, “We don’t need to disturb Meowth, do we?”
“Help! She’s trying to kill me again!” Meowth was heard screaming.
James shook his head. “Of course not,” he said.
Meanwhile, in the corner where Meowth was being clawed to pieces again… “Why do you hate me again?”
“Meow meowth,” said Meowth’s Christmas present. (“I refuse to be owned by a two legged freak!”)
"Dat's it! Back in your poke-ba---aaaaahhh!!" Meowth's Christmas present held up a very broken spherical object that looked like it might have been a poke-ball once.
Once up in the Meowth balloon, Jesse looked at her partner. “Well, we’ve still got an half an hour,” she said.
James nodded. “So, did you make any New Year’s Resolutions this year?”
Jesse shrugged. “Just one or two. When you’re as perfect as I am, there’s little room for improvement…”
“Oh, are you finally going to stop killing the o-zone layer?”
Jesse glared at him, then sighed and pulled out a piece of notebook paper and a pen. “I’ll add it,” she said. “But only because I’ll have broken all of them by January 3rd…”
“Don’t change your hair,” he said, starting to reach out to touch it. He quickly stopped himself and tried to make a grab for her resolutions. “Let me see what you wrote…”
Jesse shrieked and tried to push him back with one hand. “James…”
“Oh, come on, Jesse!” He grinned at her. “You can let me look…”
A sudden gust of wind caused the basket to shake. They both stumbled, but managed to catch themselves. While most people would probably have grabbed onto the side of the basket, Jesse and James, being who they were, grabbed onto each other. New Year's Resolutions still clutched tightly in one hand, Jesse looked up at her partner, who had clutched her to his chest. “James…” she began. “What time is it?” Dammit! She sighed. There was one resolution broken before the year had even started…
“11:58,” he said, deciding to take advantage of the town clock they were flying past instead of moving to check his watch.
“Not much longer,” said Jesse. “You think we’re all going to die?”
“Don’t worry, Jess,” James said, stepping back so he could take her hands. “The power’ll just go out down there, and we’ll be able to get all the rare pokemon we’ve always wanted!”
“Do you have any resolutions?” she asked, still looking up at him.
“A few…” Much to his disappointment, “be able to clearly define relationship with Jesse, feelings for Jesse, and Jesse’s feelings for you before October” was near the top of the list.
“11:59…” They both turned to face the clock, still holding hands. “We might make it through New Year’s Lay-Off’s,” said Jesse.
“If we don’t, we can always try to overthrow Team Rocket,” James suggested.
Below they could hear the faint chant of “10, 9, 8…” By “6”, Jesse and James were starting to lean towards each other. At “3” their lips met. Things would have gotten much more interesting then, if the lights hadn’t gone out shortly after “1.” “Whoa!” Jesse and James both exclaimed, leaning over the side of the balloon at what looked like pitch black panic. They both pulled out binoculars.
“Maybe we should just stay up here for awhile,” said Jesse.
James nodded. “Some of those looters look pretty vicious…”
“Not that we don’t have bigger guns that those guys in camouflage…”
“We can just wait until they’re out of ammo…”
They put their binoculars away and turned to each other. “Happy New Year, Jess,” said James.
“Happy New Year, Jimmy,” Jesse replied.
“Jimmy?” He smiled. “You haven’t called me that in years…”
Jesse shrugged. “Only because you hated it…”
“I still do…” He held out his hand. “Once all the looters who’re bigger and have better guns than us are gone, it’ll be double trouble time, right?”
“We’ll show those twerps and the boss who’s the best in this millenium,” said Jesse, taking his hand.
“Jesse, I told you, it’s still the same millenium because there’s no year zero. You see, the ancient Greeks and Romans had no concept of the number zero and so—“
“Wait a minute,” Jesse said, interrupting him. “We left Meowth at home, right?” James nodded. “Then who the hell cares about work?” They grinned at each other. Jesse pulled out a sprig of mistletoe. "Happy New year, James..."